“I’m learning how to close, but come by my lodge at seven,” she said.
After dinner, I grabbed a flashlight and a blanket, and headed over to her lodge. She was waiting on the front porch in a pair of jean shorts and a black t-shirt, and I was quickly learning that her chucks were the only shoes she wore outside of work. I thought back to the day I met her. When I called her a girly-girl. I could laugh. She had to be the furthest thing from that. But the way her hair fell around her face in those messy blonde waves, and the way her blue eyes lit up when I smiled at her, I guess she had me fooled.
My heart raced the closer I got, every part of our kiss coming back to mind. But I had to keep it straight with her. We weren’t official yet.
“You ready?” I asked, as she came down the steps to join me.
She nodded, walking close enough that her arm brushed mine. I wanted to hold her hand. I wanted to do more than that honestly, but again, keeping everything in line was key. I lifted up a silent prayer for help with that part.
“How was your day?” I asked, as we travelled the main road downhill. “The Boathouse looked busy.”
She nodded. “It was crazy. Walker stopped by to say hi.”
“My Walker?”
She nodded. “He told me basketball’s the thing he loves. I think you should talk to him. Try and get him to go out for the team in the fall. He doesn’t think he can pull the grades, but I told him about the help he can get at school. That I can help him, too, if he wants.”
“You?” I frowned. “You’re about to start college, right?” I hated saying it. I didn’t want to think about what would happen then. After summer. I wanted to think about what could happen right now. Here.
Patience.
We veered off the main road and wandered through the trails behind the Rec center. We were still somewhat in the open, and my flashlight was on.
“We can do an online hangout, or something, if he wants to,” she said. “I’m sure I can carve out a little time to help him. I mean, if that’s all he needs to feel like he can do it, I’m in.”
Dang, I liked this girl so much.
I swallowed, and slowed our pace. “You don’t have to sign up for stuff like that when you should be focusing on yourself.”
“I told you I want to help and I meant it.” She frowned and a soft sigh escaped her lips as she stopped walking. “I care about you, Tucker. And I know we’re taking our time, but I still want to be there for you guys. I mean, as weird as it is, this already feels real to me—”
I pulled her close and pressed my lips to hers because it was real. and kissing her like this had to be some little slice of heaven. She relaxed and I pulled back, studying every perfect line of her face, heart pounding out of control when she stepped closer, set her hand on my chest and stood on tiptoe to kiss me again.
I don’t know how long it took her to pull back, and when she did, her eyes were glassy, her lips curling in a tempting little grin.
“What?” I asked, my thinking clouded beyond repair.
“I forgot what falling feels like.”
Dang. Falling . . . is that what this was?
I tightened my grip on her, sighing as I rested my chin on her head. She was right. We were falling. If she was ready to go for it, to call it like we both saw it, I wanted to too. But there was something she needed to know first. I tensed a little.
I had no idea how to tell her. “Let’s go sit down.”
TWENTY-FIVE
-Emery-
Tucker scanned the space around us and led me to one of the benches tucked along the side of the trail. We sat side-by-side and he took my hand in his, tracing the creases in my palm. “Listen. Emery, there’s something you should know about me. Something I’ve been wanting to tell you, but it’s hard talking about it.”
I swallowed, trying to prepare my heart, but I wasn’t sure how. Was this the part where he told me he’d changed his mind about what he said yesterday? That he was being impulsive, that he was wrong about wanting to pursue anything aside from friendship? I mean, I got it. We’d known each other for two weeks. Friendship was good. But, we were going deep—fast—and I could see really falling for him . . . if we had more time.
He shook his head, and gnawed the inside of his cheek. “When I was younger, I was really stupid.”
I frowned when he looked at me, all kinds of fear and doubt swirling in his eyes.
“Okay?”
He sighed. “So, you know the guys you were telling me about when we first met? The guys that don’t care about rules? Never heard what being a gentleman means. All of that?”
“Yeah . . .” I hated how vulnerable he sounded. He never sounded vulnerable. Where was he going with this?
“You were talking about me, Emery.” He released my hand and threaded his fingers together between his knees.
My throat tightened.
“I was a total idiot after my mom told me that my dad wasn’t my real dad. I didn’t care about the rules anymore. Didn’t respect anyone after that. I caused so much chaos.” He swallowed, readjusting as he folded his arms across his chest. “My parents fought over it so much. Over how they should deal with me. I’m probably what drove them apart.”
“But, you’re so thoughtful, and caring.” I shook my head, setting a hand on his strong shoulder, squeezing. “You’re probably just exaggerating it all in your head.”
He tensed. “No. I was a total player. I don’t want to give you any false-hope about my past. It was bad.”
Dread was coursing through my veins.
“Okay.” I sighed. “What do you mean by total player?”
He sat there awhile, working his thumb across his palm like it was dirty, but it wasn’t. “Every move I made was to get the girls I wanted, and I had no respect for any of them.” His shoulders rose with his inhale. “I was the worst kind of guy you can imagine.”
Of all of the things he could have said, I didn’t expect him to say that. But, what was I supposed to do with it? It wasn’t like he was trying to hide it and let me find out on my own. He was being honest. And, if it was just the past we were talking about, I could deal with it, couldn’t I? It wasn’t like I didn’t have a past, too. “What changed you?” I had to know, because I wouldn’t believe for a second that’s who he was anymore. I couldn’t even imagine it’s who he’d ever been. Not the Tucker I was getting to know.
He blew a deep breath, relaxing a little. “Bridgeport. The summer after Senior year.”
“Bridgeport?”
He nodded. “Nolan invited me, said he’d pay for me to come, and my parents fought so bad all year, I decided a trip to the mountains sounded like a pretty sweet deal. Plus, I’d seen how easy innocent girls were to . . . persuade.”
Yeah. He wasn’t just a bad boy. He was exactly what he’d said. I drew a deep breath and twisted my fingers together in my lap.
He sighed, shaking his head as he glanced out at the trail, and waited for another group of staffers to pass. “Anyway. I came. And I heard the message that week. I fought it every night. It was like, every word all week was aimed right at my heart, but I didn’t want to hear it, or, I just couldn’t believe it, so I shut it out. But then, the last night they sang this song about being worthless on our own, but still worthy to a king. I had no idea what it meant, but there was something different about it. I wanted to find out. So I asked Nolan, and he explained it.”
I sat there next to him, frozen. Watching. Waiting. Aching to hear more. “And?”
“He told me everything. About God. About man. About our rejection of him every time we choose ourselves instead. But then, he told me about an unending love that spans from before time and beyond it. How God lost us once. But He made a way to restore us.” His voice cracked and he drew another breath. “How He sent His son to the cross for us. He told me how He comes after us, and how He keeps coming after us. How He won’t ever stop, and how it’s up to us to either surrender, or reject Him. I’d spent so long rejecting H
im. I knew He was real, Emery. Even when I wouldn’t admit it. I was tired of fighting. And I’d ruined my life so many times. Ruined other people’s lives. I didn’t want to do it anymore.” He swallowed, shaking his head, his eyes misting as they settled on mine. “So, I surrendered. I saw there was a better way, and I just . . . went after it. And I haven’t looked back.”
My chest tightened, my own eyes misting, too. He was so kind, and watchful, and passionate about his faith. I never would have guessed at his past.
“I wanted to tell you before you decide if you really want to take a shot at this.” He dropped his gaze, lifting a shoulder. “Now you know.”
I wasn’t sure what I should do with the information. It wasn’t the easiest thing to hear, but I cared about him. I cared about the Tucker who made me see I was worth more than Nick had to offer. The Tucker that brought his brothers here to protect them. The Tucker whose prayers pierced my heart, so genuine in his intent, it was like listening to him talk to God made God feel less distant.
I started this summer thinking he was just a beautiful jock, but there was so much more to him than I ever would have guessed, and I wanted to keep discovering him.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked, eyes flitting to mine and back to the trail.
I swallowed, lifting a shoulder. “I don’t know how it’s possible to feel this close to you when I didn’t know you a month ago, but I do.”
“You’re not thrown off by all that?”
I swallowed. “I’m not perfect either. I mean, I dated a guy that pushed my boundaries every chance he got, and I made mistakes with him I wish I could take back too. But I’m over dwelling on the past. It’s what we do with our mistakes that matters most anyway, right? And, if you already gave yours to God, then who am I to judge?”
He reached to cover my hand, shaking his head. “You’re insane.”
“Actually, there’s something I should tell you too.” I turned my hand in his, hoping he wouldn’t see me differently when I said it.
He nodded, ducking his head. “Go for it.”
I swallowed, tracing the hem on my shorts as I drew a deep breath.
He squeezed my hand. “You can’t be shy after everything I just told you.”
“So, I’m going to Biola on a full-ride scholarship.”
His eyebrows shot up, lips curling in a proud smile. “No way.”
I nodded, grinning a little because it really was amazing, but it meant I wasn’t in the place to commit to much outside of school. Which meant, he’d have to be really flexible if we were going to do this.
“That’s awesome! Why aren’t you excited?” He nudged me with his shoulder, furrowing his brows.
I frowned, shaking my head. “I am. But, it only gives us two more months to figure this out before I’m slammed.”
If I could get my coach to agree to let me stay longer . . .
He shrugged, standing, and pulling me up into a hug, the scent of his skin like fresh soap and spice. “I’m in this, if you are, Chuck. We’ll figure it out.”
I closed my eyes, wrapping my arms around his torso as he set his chin on my head, pressed a kiss to my crown.
I wanted to believe him so bad.
-Tucker-
I thought about kissing her a hundred times while we walked the rest of the trail and made plans for our communication after summer, but kissing her was dangerous. And we should make this official before it happened again. I didn’t want any part of her doubting my intentions.
“Normally, I’d say we could do video chats,” she said.
“Yeah, but I’ll be up here, so the online thing would be a beast.”
“I know. I guess I’ll just have to call in whenever I can. I’ll know my schedule better once I’m there.”
“We’ll get it down.”
We were approaching her lodge, and I was pretty sure it was getting close to co-ed curfew. I stopped with her beneath the huge sequoia, and pulled her into another hug. “I don’t think I deserve to ask a girl like you to go official with me.”
She leaned back, eyes scanning my face as she smiled. “Ask anyway.”
“Yeah?”’
She bit her lip, nodding.
I cleared my throat and released her. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
She frowned.
“What?”
“I just said to ask me anyway, and that’s your response?”
I grinned and shook my head. “If I’m asking, it’s going to be better than an afterthought, Chuck. Sorry to disappoint.”
She lifted a brow at me. “It better be.”
“Is that a threat?”
“I don’t know what kind of girls you’re used to, but this girl doesn’t make threats.”
“Oh snap. She’s drawing lines.”
She shook her head, laughing as I pulled her close again, pressing my lips to her brow.
She stilled and I studied her face. “I don’t want to rush a good thing, Emery,” I whispered. “It’s coming.”
When I got back to the cabin, Walker was there, standing beside Pastor Gregg.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
Pastor Gregg shook his head. “Go ahead and tell him, son.”
Walker, crossed his arms, shaking his head. “My counselor snitched on me.”
“What?”
Pastor Gregg lifted his brows. “Tell him what you were doing.”
My heart sank. Obviously, whatever it was, wasn’t good. I tried to prepare myself for it.
“We were barely doing anything.”
“What were you doing, Walker?” I asked, tensing up. “Tell me you weren’t being stupid.”
“Come on. You guys are such harda—”
“Your brother here decided it’d be a good idea to sneak off and go skinny dipping with one of the young ladies at camp. They’re calling home to her parents right now—”
“Which is ridiculous. We weren’t even doing anything.”
“You what?” I asked, tensing more, my stomach coiling like someone punched me straight in the gut. “Skinny Dipping? Really?”
Did he not get it? Could he not see what I was giving up to have him here?
“Come on, Tucker. Don’t act like you’re some kind of saint or something,” he said, scowling. “I saw you with a new girl every week when you were home.”
“Did you not see the damage I caused because of that, Walker?” I asked, hating the fact that he was dead-on, but he obviously didn’t know about the fallout it caused. The fights Mom and Dad got into because of it. The tension between them ever since. And now Dad was gone and Mom was in rehab.
I shook my head, grabbing him by the collar, slamming him back against the door. “You’re not doing what I did!”
“Careful, Tucker,” Pastor Gregg cautioned. “He’s already in enough trouble with me.”
I spit on the ground beside us and narrowed my eyes at Walker, but he just stared through my face. Like he wasn’t here. Like neither of us were.
“He’s on camp suspension and he has bathroom duty for the next month. He’s under your supervision, and he’s been warned that if it happens again, he’s out for good.”
I nodded, wanting to wring his neck to keep him from following in my footsteps. But I remembered the downward spiral my neck-wringing sent me on back in the day. “We’ll take care of it,” I said, eyeing Walker. “What were you thinking, man?”
“I’m not a fan of thinking anymore.”
“Come on,” I said, opening the door. “We’ll talk inside.”
I practically had to drag him in. “Take a seat.”
He frowned. “Don’t act like you actually care about me.”
“What do you think this is?” I asked, waving a hand around the cabin. “I gave up everything to come here and help Mom out. You think it was easy for me to put my whole life on hold for you guys right now? And this is how you repay me? Come on, man!”
He shrugged, collapsing on the couch, kicking his feet u
p like it was no big deal. “You were out messing around with your girl tonight. Why’s it different for me?”
Don’t let me kill him, God.
I clamped my jaw tight and waited until I could calm down to talk. “I wasn’t messing around with anybody, Walker. And messing around didn’t get me anywhere back when that was my game. It won’t get you anywhere either.”
“Nice. Well, I’m over caring, so are we done?”
I fought back the fire in my chest and clenched my fists at my sides, wishing I would have shown him another path when it counted. “Maybe you don’t get it now, but someday you will. Until then, at least try and be grateful for what I’m doing, all right?”
“Whatever, man.” He scowled and stood, storming into the bedroom and slamming the door.
I wanted to beat it down and make him understand, but I didn’t know how.
Help him see, God. I can’t make him.
TWENTY-SIX
-Emery-
Tucker came by the lodge the next morning to tell me what had happened with his brother. “Hey, I’m sorry, but I’m probably gonna be busy for the next couple days.” I didn’t miss the disappointment in his eyes.
“No worries,” I told him, cupping his cheek. “They’re your priority right now.”
His body relaxed when I said it and he pulled me in for another hug and a kiss on my crown, and I let that be enough for the rest of the day. I mean, the whole situation wasn’t ideal, but it was all a part of being there for him.
The rest of the week passed in a blazing hot blur. One thing about the Boathouse, it was always slammed.
Sunday came, and I went to church, and sat beside June again. Tucker shot me a puckered lip as he passed and slid into the row two in front of ours. I missed him, but it was also really sweet to see him sitting there with his brothers.
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