“You may call me Guru Carl.” He gave a small bow.
“I’m Reese, and I’m going to take a nap.” I gave a small bow in return and shuffled backward. Guru Carl moved to block me.
“Young Reese, Alexander Hamilton, Bernice, Carl—welcome to The Center for Family Relaxation and Inner Healing!” Guru Carl thundered with his arms open wide. “I hope your time here does indeed bring family healing, inner healing, and relaxation.”
“Ohhhhh. So we get family healing and inner healing here? Sign me up!” Ben grinned, and I held in a giggle as Bernice pinched his elbow.
Guru Carl patted him on the head. “Your time here will be scheduled and I will lead you as I see fit. We will enjoy any number of group activities during our three days together. Pretend you are at camp, but open up your hearts. You all have demons to battle during your stay, and I am here to lead the way. I hope you, especially, Carl, will find a role model in this place.”
“Why me?” Dad asked, but Guru Carl was already floating ahead, motioning for us to follow.
That first morning Guru Carl instructed Bernice and Dad to hold hands and jump into the lake in their matching transparent shifts ten times in a row. It was my favorite memory to date.
I ran to Ernie, grabbed my camera, and took a few pictures of them bopping around in the calm blue waters before Guru Carl noticed me. He chased me, but I raced back to Ernie and locked my camera away. That was one line Guru Carl was not allowed to cross.
My least favorite memory was the lengthy moments it took Bernice and Dad to remove their bodies from the water, encased in the soaked, diaphanous garb, after each jump. “I can’t unsee that,” I muttered to Ben, who looked like he might cry. Those images, though not captured on film, would haunt me for the rest of my life.
Bernice glowed.
Literally glowed. I attributed it to all the enlightenment she received until Ben revealed that instead of dabbing a drop of peppermint oil behind her ears, as Guru Carl instructed, she had emptied the rest of the bottle on her chest and neck.
She spent the day beaming, adding suggestions to Guru Carl’s plans, and smelling minty. When he asked us to hug each other in turn, she insisted we hug each other thrice. When he wanted us to throw a rock into the lake, she dictated that we all yell a dream to go along with it.
“I want to fly to Jupiter.” I heaved my rock into the lake. I was quite enjoying myself. Now that we were here, it was better than I could have hoped, complete with a fake guru and a mandatory schedule. No one else associated the details with a cult, but by the way Guru Carl spent three hours over our first dinner explaining his heart, I’m fairly certain he was out to get new recruits. But for once, the rest of the Hamiltons had decided to be placid.
By nightfall, we sat around the circle stabbing our fire with sticks.
“Where are the marshmallows?” I was hungry. I’d always loved fires and thought I might actually enjoy the evening until Guru Carl opened his mouth.
“My children, now is not the time for sweet treats. Now is the time to listen to our hearts.” Even sitting, Guru Carl looked tall by firelight. “This is one of my favorite moments with any family. The moment of truth. The moment to dive into the unknown and make it known.” He stood and walked behind us, waving his hands over our heads.
“Geesh.” I slouched on my stump.
“I think you, young Reese, are called to go first.”
“Um, if anything I’m called to go find another sweater. Or another family. But thanks.” I didn’t even pretend to make eye contact with him.
“Reese, tell me about your family. About your family’s strengths. About your family’s weaknesses. Tell me what is within you Hamiltons.”
“Okay, first of all, this is definitely more of a whiskey conversation. Second of all, that’s definitely more Alexander’s department. Third of all, I’d still like that whiskey.”
“Oh, soul. You know the here and now is not a space to dabble with inebriation. Squire Alexander. It seems the call of truth is something with which your sister is uncomfortable. Perhaps you could speak to the sinew of the Hamiltons?”
“Well, now that you mention it, I have a few thoughts on this subject.” Ben leaned toward the fire.
“Of course you do.”
“Did you say something, Reese? I see us as a family of stallions, of elephants, of any wild beast.” Ben stuck his tongue out at me behind the guru’s back. “Our spirits are being reborn, even here, even now. And I think this is the moment to reveal our deepest darkest secret so we can move into our new creation. Reese, do you want to tell us all about the time you stole $20 from Dad’s wallet?”
“I was borrowing it, and no.”
“What about the time you streaked down our street on a dare?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“What about the time you made out with our cousin, Jonathan?”
“I didn’t. It was Marc and how did you even know about that?”
“It’s alright, Reese. This is a safe place.” He rubbed his hands together over the fire.
“At the time, I didn’t know it wasn’t okay to hook up with second cousins.”
“Now when you say ‘hook up,’ do you mean first base or third?”
“I was fourteen! I’d had a glass of wine you’d stolen from the adult table.”
“Woah, sister, woah. It’s okay. Calm down. No need to rile yourself up.”
Guru Carl cleared his throat loudly. “I believe we’re getting off topic.”
“Not necessarily. I firmly believe the sexual explorations of the young reveal so much about our inner angst.” I’d never seen Bernice look so sympathetic. “I’ve read about this in the magazines.”
“Bernice! There were no ‘sexual explorations.’”
“Bee, I really don’t have a need to talk about anything sexual with our kids.” Dad and I spoke over each other.
“Or do we need to talk about this?” Ben asked, and I glared at him. This was becoming a nightmare.
“Ben, you’re such a nob.”
“Who’s Ben?” The guru looked around.
“Use some respect when addressing my penis.”
“Gross. I’m not addressing it. I’m saying you are one.”
“You hung out with it for eight months in utero.”
“That’s true, Reese, you did. Eight months and one day. And the mere fact you bring it up while concurrently denying the need for a sexual discussion is interesting and something we should certainly explore. Those eight months were a time of—”
“A time of what, Bernice? A time when you couldn’t escape us?” We were eons past Too Far.
“Okay, okay, baby girl. I know you’re angry.”
“Let it out, young Reese.” Guru Carl looked at me with kind eyes. I wanted to punch him. “Why don’t you ask her a question and try to understand?”
“Fine,” I snarled. “Why did you leave us, why didn’t you ever once try to come back, what in God’s green earth makes you think it’s okay to waltz back into my life when you ran out of it so long ago and never once tried to see me again?” My throat went tight and ended my screams. Why did you leave me, why did you leave me? It was the only question I ever heard, always on repeat. I shoved it so far down I couldn’t see it anymore because to hold it too close would mean my heart breaking all over again. Through the wet of my eyes I could see Bernice’s shoulders slump.
“Okay, Hamiltons, I think we need to take a collective breath.” Guru Carl looked pleased. “And remember—”
“This is stupid. I’m done.” I stormed off toward the cabins, throwing my stick as I went. I heard someone, presumably Ben, hurrying after me, but I slammed the cabin door so he’d get the message.
At six the next morning, Guru Carl sounded a cowbell outside our cabin doors and herded us down to the water like cattle.
“Sit,” he commanded the four of us, indicating a circle of stumps in the sand. “You failed last night, and now we try again.
I’ve never lost a family, and I’m not about to start with you.”
I glowered at him and hugged my gray robe close. Bernice, resplendent in a silk nightgown, moved her stump next to Dad’s, where she snuggled into his side. Dad’s salt-and-pepper hair stuck out in clumps beneath his rancher hat, and Rocky settled between us.
Crickets.
“Somebody ask a question. Any question.” Guru Carl folded his arms. “No one gets their breakfast rice until we make some progress here.”
“Rice again?” Bernice squinted. We’d had rice for lunch and dinner the day before.
“Yes, the white grains have spiritual, cleansing powers,” Guru Carl said in hushed tones. “It’s all we eat here. Now somebody ask a question.”
Bernice stroked Dad’s face, I looked away, Rocky barked at something in the middle of the water.
“Fine. Where are the other families, the other people?” I waved my hands toward the otherwise empty campground. “I’ve counted a total of seven cabins and five humans. Besides us, there isn’t another living soul.”
“I only take one family at a time so I can give them the whole of my attention. Unless I decide to allow in two or three families. It depends on how much attention family number one needs.” He gave me a pointed look.
“But how do you know—”
“Shh,” he said and glided away to stand by Dad. “We’re going to look into each other’s eyes and think nice thoughts. Alexander and Reese, partner up first. Carl and Bernice, you do the same.”
I sat across from Ben. This is dumb, this is dumb. This is dumb. He crossed his eyes.
“Good, good,” Guru Carl murmured beside me. “I feel your energy, Reese. It’s beautiful.”
“Isn’t it though? And thank you, Reese,” Ben said.
“Huh?”
“For telling me how much you admire me and want to invest all your savings into my dreams. You won’t regret it.”
“I—”
“Okay, now we switch.” Guru Carl clapped. “Ladies, pair up and look into each other’s eyes. Men, you too. Ask each other a question from your heart, with your heart.”
“Should we hold hands too?” Bernice peered anxiously at me.
“I don’t think—”
“Yes,” Guru Carl said as Dad shot me a look. She grabbed my hands, and I looked at my feet.
“Look into her eyes,” Guru Carl instructed, and I dragged my eyes to her face. Guru Carl moved to stand beside Ben and stared at Dad. I felt a laugh in my stomach. Bernice made a face at me and the laugh inside me grew. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched the guru inch his face closer and closer to my father’s.
“Well, don’t kiss him, he’s mine!” Bernice jumped up and raced to the men and my laugh seeped out, slow and sweet and didn’t stop for a long, long time.
Time with Guru Carl was equivalent to dancing on the moon or living in southern California—it simply didn’t add up to the reality in which the rest of the planet existed.
I stayed all three days at The Center for Family Relaxation and Inner Healing with a resignation I didn’t recognize. I hated it at first. The forced talks, the push to resolve. And yet, in some seemingly horrific parallel universe, when I let myself relax, our time in the woods—our weird, freakish, overpriced time in the woods—was more wonderful than I could have ever imagined.
I grew to love the simplicity of living in the moment with no distractions. I enjoyed the days without external pressures and lingering through each hour.
We continued doing the dumbest things with Guru Carl—painting by numbers, sitting in the lake for an hour straight, going for walks while holding hands. I suspected he made up his curriculum as he went along and experimented with how nonsensical his commands could become before we revolted.
We didn’t revolt.
“Guru Carl and Bernice together have broken me,” I whispered to Ben as we sat beside the lake watching the clouds as per the guru’s instructions.
“Yep, it’s too much to resist them both at once.” Ben nodded and sketched a cloud onto the paper Guru Carl had given him for that particular purpose. “We will never speak of this again.”
“What will we tell Blake when he asks about our time?”
“We’ll tell him it was fun and change the subject.”
“And if he pushes us for details? It would be great material for one of his books.”
“If he wants more information, we tie him up and leave him in the badlands of South Dakota,” Ben said. “It’s as simple as that. This,” he waved his hands, “can never be common knowledge.”
“Guru Carl is simply The Best. How is the world lucky enough to have two strong Carls in it?” Bernice batted her eyes and sighed contently. She’d insisted we take some girl time in the lake as our last activity, and while I wasn’t keen on the idea, my options were limited to having lake time with my mother or helping Guru Carl paint cabin four—an activity he called “bonding.” We’d been luxuriating in the cold pond water for the hour.
“Uh, I think the whole ‘my name is Carl’ thing is all for show.”
“What?”
“He probably names himself after one of his guests each go-around.” Our self-proclaimed guru never answered when I called out “Carl” and I could certainly see him as the type of wackjob who imagined Dad would feel a kinship with a teacher who bore his name. It was a theory I was perfecting, but I knew I was headed in the right direction. “I found multiple name tags shoved in a shoebox in the common room, but no Carls. Interesting, isn’t it?”
“He’s so wise, so grounded.” Bernice ignored me. “I’ve never before seen a young man who overflows with so much enlightenment. Being around him makes my spirit come alive like nothing before.” My mother’s hair floated about her smile.
“Right.” I really didn’t have the energy. When she looked crushed, I added, “Your spirit does look lively.” I wondered how the guys were doing with the painting.
“This was exactly what we needed as a family. I have been watching the light come back into everyone’s eyes, and I like it.” The beam she offered could have filled the lake. “I have waited for moments like this with my family for so long, and I am happy to be the one who made it happen,” she simpered and floated closer to me.
“Well…” I bobbed away.
“I really thought we got somewhere this morning during the Family Love session, when we went around saying something nice about each person. I liked it when you said, ‘Bernice taught me if I can’t say something nice, to not say it at all.’ I did teach you that. You remember, don’t you?”
“I said I did.”
“But you don’t have to call me Bernice. You can call me Mom.” Her eyes were shiny, full of hope.
I splashed her. “Okay, Bernice.”
“You are far too big for your britches these days, but I see the ice cracking.” She tilted her head, grin growing. “Crack, crack, crack.”
“Time to go, girls,” Ben called from the shore, and I swam out fast. We packed up and before we piled into Ernie, I threw my arms around Guru Carl’s neck for a hug and a quick selfie with him before he could say no.
As we pulled away from the retreat center I watched GC, as we now affectionately called him, wave, and turn to go.
“Dad, stop!” Suddenly, I was certain we’d left something behind. Ernie screeched to a stop and, panicking, I jumped out with the others trailing behind.
“What did you leave, Reese?”
“I don’t know.”
“Reese, think. We don’t have all day. Blake is waiting for us.”
Ben and Bernice circled me, growing louder and more insistent with their questions. The cabins turned up empty, and when I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what we were leaving, what we’d miss if we didn’t stay, they boarded Ernie and pulled me in after them.
As Dad sped off, GC faded smaller and smaller into the distance, and I tried to convince myself it would all be okay. But I couldn’t shake the chills on the top of my
head, at my spine. We had left something that mattered there, and I wasn’t sure we could ever get it back.
14
Reese
We picked up Blake—who looked as cute as he ever had—from a coffee shop where he was working.
He looked between us. “How was—”
“How was writing?” I jumped in.
“I’m struggling,” he admitted. “I know I want to write, but every time I sit down, the words remain elusive.”
After that, we all fell quiet and managed to drive an hour west before Bernice decided she was hungry.
“Rice was probably a good diet for some people,” she looked at me, “but Mama needs a steak. We can call today Bernice’s Day.”
“I thought every day was Bernice’s Day,” Blake said mildly.
“Nowhere, South Dakota looks as good a place as any to stop,” Dad said as we pulled off at the next exit. “I’m sure we can rustle up a steak somewhere.”
After dinner, we all piled into one hotel room, trying to find something to watch, because even after the long day of activities, no one except Dad was sleepy. But after three full days of nature’s silence, the commotion of the television jarred.
“Can’t you picture me as Santa?” Ben said, shutting off the television. Bernice and Ben had spent the greater part of dinner weighing the pros and cons of throwing a Christmas-in-July party on the road and were apparently re-opening their dialogue. “I’m a natural.” Ben flapped his hands while Bernice laughed and walked in circles with him as if they were in a parade.
Blake looked intrigued, and when he started asking them questions, my hasty departure went unnoticed.
When we were little Mom and Ben had 364 days of the year to enjoy their special bond, but Christmas had always been my day with her. From October onward, Mom and I geared up for our celebration. We baked cookies, lavished the house with tinsel, played Christmas music on repeat for weeks on end. We bought matching Christmas sweaters and visited Santa in the mall to get our photo taken, year after year. She’d sit me down for twenty minutes under the harsh lights of her bathroom and transfer upon me the ritual I’d watched from afar over the years. A dusting of blush, a swipe of mascara. We even spritzed on the Chanel for such an occasion. The year I was twelve, mere months before her exodus, I refused to go with her, and she went alone. We’d argued, and I was angry at her, wouldn’t indulge in her merriment. I had never been able to remember why.
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