by Taylor Hale
If they came inside, Keely should be here with me. I go to the living room. The light from a digital clock illuminates the deer head in red, and I shudder away from it.
“Hey, is anyone in here?”
Silence. Goosebumps rise on my arms. The thought of moving through this dark, quiet cabin freaks me out, but there’s no way I’m sleeping alone tonight. Keely has to be around here somewhere.
Outside, the air is colder than I remember. A round moon glows blood orange through the trees, dimmed by the fog. Mesmerized, I follow the light until I’m halfway into the woods.
“Keely?” I call out. “Miles? Hello? Where are you guys?”
A twig snaps and my breath catches. I spin around, but I’m surrounded by nothing but trees. Footsteps move through the underbrush. They grow louder. Faster.
Someone—something—is charging at me.
Heart thudding, I rip through the trees. Branches slice my arms and legs. When my foot catches on a root, my knees skid into damp, cold mud, and slide right into the shore of the lake. I scream and try to get away, but the mud is too thick. My feet sink deeper. Something grabs me from behind and forces me under water. Hands grip at my throat, and only one thought ripples through my mind: I’m going to die.
All at once, air fills my lungs. I gasp and jolt upright. Drenched in sweat, it takes me a moment to process the fact that I’m still in the bed at the cabin. Streams of sunlight pour through the curtains, and the spot beside me is untouched. Keely never came to bed.
A nightmare. I grab at my throat, as if to make sure the hands aren’t really there. The taste of lake water is still strong on my tongue, and the sensation of my airways being clogged is heavy. I breathe in. Out. In. Out. Remember what Dr. Levy said: it’s all in my head. As long as I can breathe, I’m alive.
It’s been so long since I’ve had a nice dream, like floating on clouds, or even something random and nonsensical, like people who have different faces than they do in real life. No, my dreams are always terrifying, and always recurring. Normally the one about being held under water takes place in a bathtub or a pool. It’s never happened in a lake before.
Shivering, I pull myself out of bed and put on a clean tank top and a pair of shorts. In the kitchen, the granite island is littered with plates and half-empty cups of orange juice. A tray of bacon, eggs, and hash browns sits on the table, no longer steaming. It must be for me. I sit down and dig in, but end up poking at my food more than actually eating it.
Minutes tick by, and I cram a bite of crunchy, overcooked bacon into my mouth. Still no sign of the others. When Keely doesn’t reply to my text, I head outside. The sun is warm and the air is filled with bark and earth, exactly as it was in my dream. I snap the elastic against my wrist.
Ouch. Okay, definitely awake.
Laughter and splashing echo through the forest. From memory, I follow a short path through the trees until I reach the murky green lake. It’s shallow along the shoreline, but gets deeper and darker farther out. The surface stretches at least a few yards to the pine trees on the other side. Keely and Shawn jump off a short cliff into the water, hand in hand. Faye and Dean splash each other while Miles does laps. I used to love swimming here with Miles, but now—especially after last night’s dream—the earthy smell makes me nauseated.
Keely spots me. “Liv—you’re awake!” she stammers, and everyone stops to look at me.
“You guys left me,” I mumble.
“You were passed out, and we wanted to go swimming . . . and you can’t, you know. . .”
Of course they’d have to leave me behind to swim, but Keely’s words still sting. “You could have at least told me where you were going,” I say.
“Chill out, Olivia,” Faye says and sends a spray of water in my direction. The moment the cold touches my skin, I let out a scream. Everyone but Keely laughs.
“Don’t do that!” I shout. “What the hell is your problem, Faye?”
“What? It was an accident!”
“No, it wasn’t!”
“Guys, stop,” Keely says.
Dean chuckles. “Come on, Olivia. Why don’t you just come in the water? It’s not so bad.”
“Yeah, it’s nice in here,” Shawn agrees.
Miles steps toward the shore, and I step back. He reaches his hand out. “C’mon, Liv. Come in.”
“No,” I say. I can’t believe him.
“Buzzkill,” Faye mutters. When she splashes at me again, my feet slip in the grass and I almost fall but manage to catch my balance.
“Stop it, Faye!”
“That’s not helping.” Miles shoves himself in front of her. “Come on, it’ll be okay, Liv.” He extends his hand farther. Water dribbles from his hair and onto his cheeks, and his eyes match the forest and body of water behind him. “You trust me, don’t you? It’s just a lake—you can’t drown out here, I won’t let you.”
“No!”
“Like I said, buzzkill,” Faye says. “Why are you even here, Olivia? It’s the cabin, we swim.”
My nails dig into my palms. She said buzzkill, but in my head I hear the words she said all those years ago.
Chicken.
The night I fell began at Bailey Pearson’s end-of-the-year pool party with everyone in the sixth grade. My rivalry with Faye had been building up for years—she hated how close I was with Miles, and apparently West too. She taunted me every chance she got, and she always tried to distance me from her family. Most of my childhood was spent on the defense, but when we got older, I learned how to fight back.
Storm clouds were rolling over the sky from beyond Bailey’s backyard, so the party would have to be brought inside soon. Everyone was still swimming, Faye in a white bikini. I envied how much confidence she had in her body. She was cool and hot, and it came off so authentically. I would never tell her how much I wanted to be like her, but I was uncomfortable with my body and sought attention in different ways. All I had was that I was daring. Daring, like West was. Maybe I couldn’t be like Faye, but I could be like her older brother.
Miles and Keely helped me move Bailey’s trampoline between the roof of the house and the pool. Some people cheered me, others gasped as I climbed the roof, jumped onto the trampoline, and bounced into the deep end of the pool. Everyone else started doing it, too, but Faye refused. Then, while I was crossing the pool deck, Faye pulled me aside from everyone else.
“Who are you trying to impress, Liv?” she said through gritted teeth. “My brother isn’t here.”
“He’s right over—” I stopped myself, because of course she meant West, not Miles.
The embarrassment kicked in; West was my weak spot and Faye knew it, yet for whatever reason, she’d never started a rumor that I liked him. She just threw subtle jabs at me every now and then, normally when Miles wasn’t around. Deciding not to engage, I walked away from her—but then Faye’s voice rose loud enough for the whole party to hear.
“Real badass, Liv! But I bet you’re still way too chicken to even attempt the cliff challenge.”
The party stood still. Faye’s boyfriend at the time was some grade eight guy, and his friends had done it five times, or so she said.
“I’m not stupid,” I told her. “Only idiots go up there.”
“Like I said, you’re too chicken. I did it no problem.”
All the attention turned on Faye, and everyone peppered her with questions about how she did it and if she almost fell. Faye basked in the attention like a celebrity photographed by the paparazzi.
Silently, I stood to the side of the party, my anger boiling. Miles’s voice sounded from behind me.
“Don’t worry about Faye, Liv.” He awkwardly held his hands together. Miles was becoming taller and more gangly, but he hadn’t hit his growth spurt yet and was about half an inch shorter than me. “She’s just lying for attention.”
He was
probably right, but as Faye soaked up the attention, something in me snapped.
I took off, right then and there, determined to prove her wrong.
That’s when everything changed. All because I couldn’t stand the idea of Faye being viewed as stronger than me. All because I cared what people thought too much. Regret pools in, weakens my muscles as I tremble near the shore of the lake.
More than anything, I wish I could go back in time and make one different decision.
Don’t go on that cliff. Put your pride behind you.
But nothing will ever change the past, and Keely’s voice snaps me to the present.
“Can you guys shut up? She almost drowned when she was a kid, are you dumb?”
“It’s just water.” Faye looks at me. “Look, Liv. I’m standing right up. It would literally be impossible to drown out here.”
Voice shaking, I say, “You guys don’t get it. Faye, it was you who—” I stop myself. No. It isn’t Faye’s fault, it’s my own. I never should have let her get in my head again. I can’t blame them for not understanding—to them, I’m being oversensitive and dramatic about something normal people enjoy.
Faye’s right. I am a buzzkill.
Turning away, I dive into the forest, crashing like a wave as I storm back into the cabin and find my way to the bedroom. Tears sting my eyes. This isn’t what I wanted from this trip. I wanted to reconnect with my old life, to blend back in with Caldwell, to somehow pick up where I left off before I fell. How stupid and naive was I to think that? It’s been five years. Everything has changed.
Most of all, me.
The daring little girl who used to love playing in the water with Miles is gone, and maybe he doesn’t get that, and that’s why he tried to get me in that lake. Deep down, I know he’s just trying to help.
Stuffing my things into my backpack, the zipper catches, and I can’t stop crying. Just as I fall onto the bed, someone knocks on the door.
“It’s just me.” Keely leans against the door frame, guilt on her face. “The others are still out at the lake.”
“I’m so humiliated, Keely.”
“Don’t be. It’s cool, Liv . . . they understand.”
“No, they don’t. Miles means well, but Faye’s taunting me and Shawn and Dean are laughing their asses off. I don’t even want to be here anymore. I feel like I don’t know any of you.”
“What? You know me, Liv.”
“Barely. You didn’t even come to bed last night.” And I don’t want to tell her about last night’s dream because she might judge me. None of this is right.
“Sorry . . . we all passed out in the living room.” Keely sits beside me on the bed, a towel wrapped around her torso, her hair in wet straggles over her shoulders. “And of course you know me, Liv.”
“Not really. This trip isn’t turning out how I hoped at all.”
“But it’s only just starting. I know the others are being dicks, but they’re not trying to be mean . . . they’re just sort of like that, you know? Sometimes I get poked at too; we all do.”
“If they’re ‘just sort of like that’ then why are you even friends with them?” When Keely says nothing, I ask, “Can I please just call your parents for a ride?”
“Wait, what? You actually want to leave?”
“I’m not having a good time, Keely.”
“But . . . my parents won’t let me stay if you go.”
Shit. I take a breath and rub my eyes with my palms. Whatever happened to proving I can be “fun”? If I call Keely’s parents, it will ruin her whole trip.
“Fine,” I say, frustrated, “but I’m staying in here for a while.”
Keely’s quiet for a moment. “I know we’re off to a bit of a bumpy start, but we’ll spend lots of time together after this weekend is over, I promise.”
“Okay.”
She apologizes again and exits the room. With the door shut, the silence blankets me. Lying back on the bed and wiping what’s left of my tears, I take out my iPhone, the only distraction I have in this place. There’s a follow request on Instagram in my notification center. I open it, and I almost can’t believe what I’m seeing.
West followed me. At about eight o’clock this morning.
I press accept and request to follow him back since he ignored my old request. I hold my phone to my chest and take a deep breath. When it buzzes, West accepts. For the first time ever, I have access to his social media. I wait a couple of minutes, partly hoping he’ll direct message me since there’s a green bubble next to his name, but he doesn’t, so I take a deep breath and message him first.
Wow, you followed me. I’m shocked
Lol, well you proved me wrong. I thought I’d never see you again. Now I’m seeing you everywhere. Sorry if I killed your vibe last night.
You didn’t! Did your night go okay?
Meh
Meh?
Meh.
Okayyy lol
He reads it but doesn’t reply. Five minutes later, he goes offline.
Hint taken. But that’s okay. It’s probably stupid, but having West add me has been the best thing to happen since coming back to Caldwell Beach.
For the rest of the weekend, I find myself thinking of him to distract myself from how awkward it is hanging out with everybody. I spend most of the time in the bedroom reading, scrolling through my phone, and I don’t let my guard down until we’re driving back to town in Miles’s car.
6
The rest of the week trickles away faster than I expected, and by the time Friday rolls around, I’ve mostly recovered from the disaster that was the cabin.
“Okay, you have to get this dress,” Keely says, standing beside me in the reflection of Sea Breeze’s dressing room mirror. “Liv, it makes your eyes look so blue.”
There aren’t many clothing stores in Caldwell, but even when we were kids, Sea Breeze was the place to be. All the cool teenagers shopped here, but we were more loiterers than anything since we were too young to wear half the clothes. But now I’m older and actually have money from working at my parents’ shop. And this dress really does make my eyes look blue.
I search the azure fabric for the tag. “Eighty dollars, yikes.”
Keely adjusts the straps of her dress, which, as always, is yellow. “You’re on vacation. You’re allowed to buy a dress.”
“You know my family, Keel. Thrift shop owners. Everything I wear is hand-me-down.”
“It’s one dress, and you look so pretty. Besides, you’re going to Miles’s place on Sunday, right? To hang out alone?”
“Keely, I already told you. Miles is just my friend. I don’t like him like that.”
“Okay, point taken. You don’t like Miles, I’ll stop pushing it. The only reason I wanted you two together is so you can double date with Shawn and me.”
“Can’t I just be your third wheel?”
“You don’t mind?”
“Not really.”
Keely smiles, her cheeks rosy from the cream blush I watched her apply this morning. “Good. Because I really like him, and I want you two to be friends.”
Shawn’s all right. From what I remember of him from elementary school, he was a sporty kid, always playing kickball on the playground or swinging from the monkey bars like it was no problem. We didn’t talk much at the cabin last weekend, and I haven’t seen him since—Keely kept her promise about us spending real time together. Every day has been movies and staying up late on the internet, laughing at videos and creeping people’s social media profiles like we used to.
“Why do you like Shawn so much, anyway?” I ask.
Keely’s face lights up with a big smile. “Okay, so get this. Shawn never dates anyone. Like girls will try to get with him because he’s so hot, but within a week, he ghosts them. But we’ve been talking for like, two whole weeks, and he even wan
ted to sleep together.”
I pause. “He’s not just trying to use you, is he?”
“I don’t think so. He’s never slept with any of the other girls. Shawn’s a virgin, just like I am. And I know because nothing stays a secret in this town. If he’d slept with someone, it would’ve gotten out. Besides, I’m having fun with him right now—it’s not like I’m totally invested yet.”
Keely’s never had a real boyfriend, but she has a long history of falling too hard, too fast. This is exactly like it was when she had a crush on Carter in the fifth grade, even though he kept rejecting her. When it comes to boys, Keely’s always been all heart.
But I say, “Fair enough. It is summer, after all.”
“Plus, Shawn barely even has any friends, period. Like he parties and stuff, but the only person he ever hangs out with is Dean. But ever since Dean started dating Faye, it seems like Shawn’s trying to be more social too. So yeah, I feel special.”
“Then I’m happy for you.”
After we change back into our regular clothes, we duck under the fake boat hanging between the dressing room and the store and head for the cash register. Nets and oars decorate the counter. Once we pay, we tuck our new dresses into our backpacks and step into the warm, sticky evening.
Keely wants to walk past Shawn’s house, so we head down Pinewood Avenue to the low-roofed bungalow at the end of the street that thumps with trap music. The sun is still up, but I guess it isn’t too early to be drinking. On the porch, Shawn holds a can of beer while Dean lights a cigarette. The door to the house is open, and people are draped over the living room furniture inside.
“Olivia, Keely,” Dean says. “Get over here!”
I’m not stoked about it but meet them on the rickety wooden porch.
“What’s up, Keely?” Shawn smiles and hugs her, and Keely’s knees almost buckle. So, maybe this is a bit more intense than her old crush on Carter. Shawn doesn’t strike me as the most trustworthy guy, but he’s not the worst either. Besides, the bright smile on Keely’s face warms my heart.