I was half dressed when Gemmie called me to the hall to zip her up. ‘Alix, I do feel bloody mean! We’ve asked everyone but our Charlie. Why not ring him and tell him come on down? He can say no.’
Catriona had joined us. ‘Do you think he’d like that?’
I said, ‘That means you don’t.’
‘I was only thinking how I’d take a last-minute invitation if I were him. Either as pity, which I’d loathe, or second thoughts. Are you having them?’
‘Don’t be daft!’ Gemmie hitched her bra-straps out of sight. ‘If she were she’d not be wasting ruddy time now. She’d be asking him!’
‘But she’s asked Robbie.’
‘She did not!’ I protested peevishly. ‘I told you, Robbie asked himself when he rang to wish us all luck, and said if we were having a farewell gathering there were two chums as well as himself who’d like to come.’
‘I’d forgotten.’ Catriona examined her reflection in the mirror. She was wearing a long, sleeveless black lace dress with a pie-crust neckline and looked a knockout. That did not appear to give her any joy. ‘Well, Charlie’s up to you, Alix.’
‘Too late. I’ve got to get a dress and my eyelashes on.’
She came into my room a few minutes later to say Wilf, Bassy, and Melly had arrived, and hung around. ‘Gemmie’s right. This is so mean to Charlie.’
‘Hell!’ I had to strip off my eyelashes. ‘Take five, Catriona, or I’ll never get these right!’
‘Don’t you think it’s mean?’
I spun round. ‘Use your IQ, Catriona! Think what that man’s got, and then tell me you honestly believe he’ll give a damn at missing one crummy knees-up!’
‘Use your IQ, Alix!’ she retorted with rare vehemence. ‘He mayn’t give a damn about the crummy knees-up, but this is your last night here. Or have you forgotten he asked you to marry him?’
‘No. Nor that he took the biggest god-awful calculated risk when he did! It’s all right’ ‒ I waved down her unspoken protest ‒ ‘I know he’d’ve married me if I’d said yes. But he’d also have got one hell of an ugly shock!’
‘Why? Alix, this I don’t understand. You must explain.’
‘Understanding can wait. My eyelashes can’t.’
‘Alix, you in there?’ It was Robbie’s voice. He thudded on my door. ‘Come on out and look after your guests!’
‘Give me strength!’ I put on my dressing-gown, opened the door, and swept Catriona out and at Robbie. ‘Talk about the good old days in Glasgow, duckies! I’ve got to finish dressing!’
It was hours later before Robbie cornered me alone in the kitchen. I was making more coffee. ‘And what was the purpose of that unpleasant little exhibition?’
‘Self-preservation.’
He said grimly, ‘I don’t get you.’
‘No, you don’t, but as neither of us really wants each other, isn’t that a good thing?’ I put on more milk. ‘When you two meet up in Caithness you can talk about the good old days in Edinburgh.’
He had gone wooden. ‘Wilf’s a decent laddie.’
‘Very. Why did you come to Edinburgh?’
‘As you very well know, to obtain first-rate obstetrical experience in a first-rate obstetrical hospital.’
I sat on the kitchen table. ‘The maternity services are excellent here, but I’ve heard they’re very good in Glasgow.’
His colour and temper were rising. ‘You’re not suggesting I’d stoop to running away from a woman?’
‘Just running after her in a rather strange circle. As she, you.’
‘She didn’t come here for me! She’s got her family ‒’ He broke off abruptly. ‘Friends,’ he added oddly.
‘She’s got dear old Aunt Elspeth ‒ but friends? Then why not one date? Not one in four months? Not one grotty coffee with one local lad! With her looks, going to tell me no-one’s asked her?’ He did not answer. ‘Or that you’re not still hung-up on her? And if you’re not, why do you get such an erotic thrill from making her squirm? Are you too sloshed, or have you any idea how often tonight you’ve just had to manhandle me when she’s just happened to be watching?’
‘I’m not at all sloshed, and you know I find you sexually exciting ‒’
‘Come off it, Robbie! No audience now! After four months you don’t have to tell me you’re a frustrated heterosexual, so on occasions any woman’s better than no woman! But you’re no exhibitionist unless Catriona’s around. I’m not saying she didn’t maybe rate that and do you dirt, once. Maybe, as I’ve only heard your side. But that she’s as hung-up on you I haven’t the slightest doubt!’
‘If she’s never talked to you about me, how can you possibly make an absurd statement of that nature?’
‘Because I know my own sex. I don’t pretend I’ve the faintest notion how men’s minds work, but another girl I can read. I know when a girl’s in love and in hate, and I’ve known Catriona in both with you. I’ve shared this flat with her four months, and if I haven’t all the details of her past I know one hell of a lot about her present. In the present she’s a very nice girl, if a surprisingly tough cookie.’
There was a chilly little smile on his face. ‘Not surprisingly to me.’
‘Then take my tip, and if you meet up in Caithness ‒ and no matter how big it is, I’m sure you will ‒ don’t try and make her squirm more. There’s a limit to how much she’ll take, even from you. Not all women appreciate the Marquis de Sade’s technique as much as a lot of men seem to think.’
He was livid. ‘I will not be called a sadist!’
‘Didn’t you tell me you’d take great pleasure in slapping her down? What’s the term for a perverted pleasure in cruelty?’
‘You know bloody well that was but hot air. Not that she’ll ask me in a thousand years!’
‘Then it’s eternal chastity for you, dear. You’ve tried to make yourself love me. I guess you’ll try again, elsewhere, with the same result. But if that’s the way you want it ‒ coffee’s ready. Hand me that tray, please.’
‘It’s not what I want, Alix. It’s what I’ve got.’ He passed the tray, and then he said very quietly, ‘I’m glad you think she loves me, even if there’s nothing I can do about it.’
‘Of course there is!’
‘By God, gurrrl!’ His voice shook. ‘Do you think if there was I wouldn’t have done it?’ He looked over his shoulder as the door opened. ‘Wanting this coffee, Wilf? Coming up!’
The party ended in the inevitable orgy of kissing and handshaking after Auld Lang Syne. ‘Always makes me weep,’ I explained to Mrs Duncan.
‘Me, too, dearie.’ She dried her eyes cheerfully and drew me aside. ‘Don’t ask me which wee bird from high places has whispered in my ear, as this is strictly off the record. You can take it from me you can all stop worrying. I’m very pleased as you’ve all worked hard. I’ll not say goodbye, as it’s a word I dislike, but if you ever think to work in Edinburgh again I’ll be glad to see you back. Now, where’s my good man? Ah, there you are, my dear! Thank you all for a grand party, and the best of luck in your future. Cheerio just now!’
I had to wait till all the guests had gone. The six of us then had another party. And then we had to clean up the flat and get our final packing done. Wilf was calling for Gemmie at eight, and I had reserved a seat on a morning inter-city train. I could as easily and more cheaply have stayed with Bassy and travelled with him to Liverpool on Saturday, but that last drive with Charles had clinched things for me. I wanted out as soon as possible. I had fallen in love with Edinburgh first, but now the man and the city were all wrapped up together, the only way I could go was out. I had been rather afraid I might have to explain this to Bassy, but directly I told him I wanted to get home he said he always felt suicidal after exams too.
It was five before we got to bed. When Wilf arrived with his car at ten to eight Catriona was dressing and Gemmie and I at breakfast. We had loaded the car when Catriona came down looking as if she had been put through a mangle.
&n
bsp; It was a chilly, misty morning. The mist dripped off the tall houses like slow tears as Catriona and I walked back alone from the end of the road. ‘I can’t believe it’s all over,’ she said.
I talked of Gemmie and Wilf and did not look at the side-door as we went back into the house. If experience had taught me nothing else it had taught me how to deal with this stage. ‘I think those two stand a better chance than most. They’re crazy about each other without being at all crazy. Ten, twenty, thirty years from now they’ll be the same. Gem’ll still be saying, “Daft bastard! Why’d I wed you, then?” and Wilf, “You fancied me from start, luv. Same as me you”.’ I watched her pale, composed profile as we went upstairs, and for a very good reason was reminded of Charles. He was so present in my mind he could have been with us. There was nothing I could do about that, but there was something else I could do ‒ or attempt. ‘Was it from the start, between you and Robbie? And what went wrong? Or is it still none of my damned business?’
She looked almost ill. ‘Are you all ready?’
‘Just have to ring for a taxi.’
She was coming with me to the station, then returning to move her luggage to her aunt’s before taking all our keys to Miss Bruce. She was staying in Edinburgh till Saturday and going to Liverpool with Bassy. ‘Come into the kitchen, Alix. I must talk to you.’
We sat on the table. The kitchen was cold and unnaturally clean and tidy. I said, ‘Still smells like a bar-parlour the morning after.’
She was working on her finger-joints. ‘There’s so much I should’ve told you. I’ve kept putting it off. And there’s always been so little time ‒ but I feel so awful about it now. I thought I was being prudent, keeping it to myself ‒’ and she dried up.
‘About Robbie?’
‘Not merely Robbie.’ She put a hand over her eyes. ‘I don’t know how to start.’
‘Maybe I can help. Robbie’ll want to kill me for this, but I won’t be around to collect.’ I told her what he had said last night. ‘Why all this sturm und drang when a few choice words like “I’m sorry” could sort it out.’
‘Och, it’s not as simple as that!’
‘I am! Give it to me in simple English.’
‘Nigel was English,’ she said, and then her dam burst. She had been at school with one of his sisters. ‘That’s how we met. A very good family, not much money, but enough, or so I thought. He was the youngest son. A good job, I thought. Public relations. He travelled a lot. He talked of marriage constantly. He left out one wee detail.’
‘His wife?’
‘Yes.’ Her face was haunted. ‘She was English ‒ was ‒ is! They’d met and married in the States. She came from a different background. She came to see me. Alix, I could have died of shame!’
‘She wanted a divorce?’
‘Not really. Just money. Nigel had ‒ had given her some of my letters. She said I could buy them back, but if not she would divorce him, but he’d fight it and then she’d use my letters. You understand?’
I was wondering what I had missed. ‘No! This doesn’t make sense! Even if Nigel was in on this with her, where’s the point? What were you then? Third-year? What could they hope to squeeze out of your pay? Or, at the very worst, what could they gain from involving your name in a mucky defended divorce case?’
She swallowed visibly. ‘I’ve never told you, but my father is a very wealthy man. He ‒ both my parents ‒ would be so hurt if I involved them in any scandal.’
I nodded. ‘Which Nigel would know from his sister?’
‘Yes.’
‘What did you do?’
‘I didn’t dare tell my parents. I told my brother. He ‒ er ‒ fixed things. He told me after they’d done it before.’
I said, ‘That figures, though not Robbie’s part.’
‘His mother comes from near my home. She used to work in the house for my father’s family before she moved to Glasgow and married. My first two years in Glasgow I saw Robbie around and knew who he was, but we didn’t meet.’
‘That figures, too. Go on.’
‘Somehow Robbie heard I was seeing a lot of Nigel. He asked me out to supper and told me I was being used.’
‘And you told him go jump in the Clyde?’
She said, ‘This’ll sound so stupid. But I loved Nigel. I’d never loved any man before, but I loved him. I know he wasn’t worth it, I know he didn’t love me at all. I just thought he did. I was sure of it when Robbie tried to make me see sense. You see, I thought knowing his sister and family ‒ people like that wouldn’t behave like that.’
‘You didn’t say all this to Robbie? You did? Oh, blimey! And this was when he asked you to marry him?’
‘No, no! That was afterwards.’ Her face tensed at the memory. ‘Alix, maybe I’m super-sensitive, but it was horrible for quite a long time. The girls in my set were sweet, but ‒ er ‒ not everyone else. Not that they knew the truth, thank God! But everyone I met seemed to know Nigel had dropped me. It seemed quite a good joke.’
I thought aloud, ‘Such chicken-feed is always news.’ I blinked. ‘You’d get the works far worse than me as you’re so much better-looking and there’s your father. Not all ward sisters love a pretty face or a debbie-type even when she’s trying to do a decent job of work. Not all nurses are bitches, but those that are are queen bitches. No wonder you’ve an anti-gossip fixation. And this was when Robbie weighed in like an outsize bull in a china-shop? And you thought he was trying to save your face and took um?’
‘Much worse. I didn’t trust anyone then. In fact, I’ve only begun trusting people again since I’ve lived with you and Gem. And that time Robbie told me he’d guessed the exact truth, and I thought, as he knew I’d do anything to keep it from my parents ‒ they’d been so against my leaving home and nursing, and without my brother coming down on my side, I’d never have got away ‒ well ‒’
‘You didn’t think Robbie was doing another Nigel on you?’
‘I knew he intended marrying me ‒’
‘But as your father’s daughter? Oh, God! You told him so? Baby!’
‘He’s only told you I turned him down?’
‘None too tactfully. Yes. Did you think he’d told me more?’
She said honestly, ‘I didn’t know what to think. Once I met him by chance down the road from here. This was one evening about two months ago. I asked him to promise not to tell you. I begged him, Alix! I really did. He wouldn’t promise. He just walked off.’
I remembered filling in my second monthly report. ‘And arrived here spitting blood. You didn’t by any hideous mischance ask him to behave like a gentleman in so many words.’
‘I meant it as a compliment.’ I had closed my eyes. ‘I know now that was a red rag. Living with you and Gem has taught me a lot. I wish I’d shared with girls like you both before.’
‘Who did you share with? And how did you manage to survive a general training without the other girls, medics, patients, straightening you out on things like this?’
‘I’ve never shared. Even at school we’d our own rooms, and it was the same the year I spent in Switzerland.’
‘Finishing school? Then hospital? You lived in?’
‘All my training. My parents insisted. We’d nice recreation rooms, but I didn’t use them much. I liked the girls in my set, but I didn’t have any particular friends. I expect that was my fault. I’m not a good mixer.’
I said, ‘As you’ve gone from one all-girlie institution to another, I’m not really surprised. I’ve known one or two girls at Martha’s go through an entire training without one date or close chum, either as they lived near and went home whenever free or were too shy to take the first plunge into the social scene. Then that gets a habit. They end up knowing a hell of a lot about birth and death and damn all about what comes in between. Like you.’
‘No, not quite. Yes, there’s a lot I don’t know, but there’s quite a bit I know that you don’t. Have you ever walked into a party and had people fall over themselv
es to make a fuss of you, not for what you are, but for what they hope to get out of you? Have you ever seen the kind of people you’d like to meet taking one look and running? Or had the mothers of impossible sons drooling over you. “I’m sure you and I can be great friends, dear Catriona!” ’ She smiled ironically. ‘Mothers of many sons love me. They think I’m so noble to be doing a worthwhile job for a few years before ‒ well ‒ naturally, a suitable marriage. Even my parents still think I’m playing at nursing. “Get it out of your system,” they say. Aunt Elspeth understands I’m not playing. I’m nursing. That’s why I like visiting her so much.’
My mind had gone off on a private track. I had to recall it and my train. ‘It all figures now, but as I must move in a few minutes, skip the past and tell me this ‒ do you now want to marry Robbie? Not today, tomorrow, but some time?’
She shrugged helplessly. ‘He’ll never ask me again.’
‘No,’ I said, ‘I don’t think he will. You’ll have to ask him.’
‘I can’t ‒’
‘For God’s sake, no more codswallop about pride! If you love the man, swallow yours if it chokes you!’
‘I’d do that gladly,’ she replied quietly, ‘if it didn’t mean asking him to choke on his. Two years ago he was willing to do that to save my face. He’s a lot more than two years older now, my face doesn’t want saving, and he doesn’t want a wife much richer than himself. What decent man does? And even though it’s easier for a girl, think of Gem’s and your reaction to Charlie ‒’ She stopped appalled as our front-door bell rang. ‘Oh no! I meant to tell you before he arrived ‒ I had to tell him the time of your train ‒ I felt so dreadful last night!’ She was in a terrible tiz. ‘Alix, don’t be mad ‒ it was my own idea ‒ he’s going to offer you a lift ‒ it’s not his fault.’
She was not alone in her tiz. ‘Whose fault?’
‘Charlie’s.’ She leapt off the table. ‘I’ll answer him.’
I followed her into the hall and saw the fleeting but deeply personal glance she exchanged with Charles as she opened the door. ‘I’ve just told Alix you’ve offered to run her to the station.’
Edinburgh Excursion Page 18