‘Now you sound like one of your reports.’
A ripple of humour showed in his eyes. ‘I do know a thing or two about mental health. And shutting yourself away doesn’t seem like the best option. That’s all I’m saying.’
‘Who said I was shutting myself away?’
‘You did.’
‘No, I didn’t.’ I shook my head. ‘I just said I was going to say no.’
‘To everything.’
‘No. Only to the things I don’t want to do. I refuse to feel obliged to say yes to things I’d rather not, just because someone else wants to do it, or someone else wants me to do it. I am giving myself permission to say no.’
‘Well, that’s a good thing.’
‘So now you agree? Talk about fickle.’
The serious expression he’d been wearing evaporated and he laughed, deep and melodic, and my treacherous tummy did the flip again. I mentally told it to behave and tried to ignore the wave of newly released butterflies.
‘I’ve been called a lot of things in my time—’
‘That doesn’t surprise me.’
Seb gave me a look that I imagined had silenced many a lower ranked soldier in his time, but I could see the softness around those chocolate brown eyes and gave him a grin in response.
‘So why the change of heart?’
‘I was just concerned you had planned to shut yourself away entirely, that’s all.’
‘Nope. Just no more bloody bungee jumping, rampant, runaway Segways or hideous dates with men who look nothing like their profile picture and then leave me to pick up the bill.’
‘You know not every guy is like that, don’t you?’
‘Once upon a time I might have believed you, but if my experience over the past year is anything to go by, then I’m sorry, but I’d have to disagree.’
‘You do seem to have had some… fun experiences.’
‘Fun isn’t exactly the word I’d use for most of them.’
‘No. I guess not.’
‘And you should have seen some of the messages from the blokes that I didn’t agree to meet up with!’
‘It’s probably better that I didn’t,’ he replied, that unreadable expression settling back on his features once again.
I shrugged and kind of got it. Seb was one of those men who couldn’t help feeling protective towards women, however outdated some people felt that was. Personally, I thought it was sweet. I knew from all he’d done with the charity, the men and women he’d helped via that and the effort he put in, that he had an incredibly caring nature. If that spilled over into what I considered a nice touch of old-fashioned chivalry, I wasn’t about to complain. And I’d certainly take that over the behaviour of most of the dates I’d had in the past year. Honestly, the fact that there were single men out there like Seb, who were nice and normal, gave me the slightest sliver of hope for the future. It was just kind of a shame that he lived over two hours away and was, more importantly, a client. My biggest and best client. This was my livelihood and as much as I liked Seb, he’d had to be put firmly in the fantasy pile. But what a fantasy that would be! Oh. My. God. With a capital O!
Making a concerted effort to push those unhelpful thoughts out of my mind, I focused back on the moment.
‘I kind of thought you’d be behind me on this.’
‘I am.’
I gave him a look similar to the one he’d given me earlier.
‘I am!’ he laughed. ‘I just don’t want you sitting in your house for a year in your pyjamas, picking Wotsits out of your hair after three months.’
The mouthful of tea I’d just taken nearly came out of my nose as I flapped and struggled to force it back down the right tube. ‘Oh my god! Is that how you think of me?’
‘Not always.’
‘But sometimes?’ I wailed, my voice pitching higher. ‘Oh god.’
At least I didn’t have to worry about ever being in the quandary of Seb having asked me out and not knowing what to do. In his eyes, I was the epitome of the word spinster, complete with added stale Wotsits tangled in my unkempt tresses. Excellent.
‘Only since you announced this plan.’
‘Like I said. I’m not planning to be a hermit. I’m just going to take time for me. Get me some of that self-care everyone is always banging on about. I’ve ordered a bunch of books on it.’
‘Oh. OK. Well, that sounds a lot better.’
‘Than me in stinky pyjamas with three month old cheesy snacks in my hair? I hope so!’
He let out that laugh again. ‘I never said anything about stinky.’
‘You didn’t have to. It was there by inference.’
Seb’s grin was wide and my own followed. ‘I’m all for the idea though, but I’m not sure you need a tonne of books on the subject. A lot of it is just common sense and listening to your body. Plus, as you know, it’s part of our programme, so if you want any advice or to talk about it, I’m more than happy to help.’
‘No, of course. I did think about that, to be honest, but I know your schedule,’ I said, waving a piece of paper in front of the screen, ‘and all the things already on your plate. The last thing you need to do is add another task.’
‘You wouldn’t be a task. That’s not how I’d see it. You’ve done so much for me and the charity, it’d be the least I could do.’
‘You pay me to do those things.’
‘Not everything. We both know you go above and beyond on the work you do for me and the veterans.’
‘I enjoy the work and it’s worth doing.’
‘And so are you.’
A moment of silence descended slowly and awkwardly.
‘That came out so entirely wrong,’ Seb said eventually, one large hand now covering his eyes.
I was trying to keep a straight face, but it was a battle I was quickly losing. Even through the screen, I could feel the mortification radiating off him in waves, and there was a spot of high colour on each cheek. In all of the time I’d known him, I’d never seen Seb flummoxed or stuck for words.
‘I can’t believe I just said that,’ he said, his eyes still covered, elbow resting on the pale wood of his desk.
‘Don’t worry about it, honestly.’ I suddenly wished, not for the first time, I was in the same room as him so that I could gently remove that hand and smile into those eyes that always made me think of melting milk chocolate and reassure him. ‘I know you didn’t mean it how it sounded and, frankly, even that’s pretty polite compared to some of the stuff I’ve heard over the past year.’
He peeked out between two fingers. ‘Then it’s definitely a good job you refrained from telling me about those.’
I gave a nod of agreement.
‘Am I forgiven?’ he asked.
‘For saying I’m doable?’ I grinned.
He gave me a look that was part embarrassment at himself, part exasperation at me, and altogether way too attractive for ten o’clock in the morning on my first day back at work in a new year. ‘Accidentally.’
‘Yes. You are.’
‘Thank you. And what I meant to say is that you are worth all the effort in helping you find whatever it is that you need to make yourself happy.’
‘I’m not unhappy. Honestly. I’m just… well, after last year I’m just exhausted. I know Jess meant well with her plans and, after a while, she did convince me that it could be a good thing. And we did have some fun times. But, on the whole, it was just too full on for me. That much activity could have been happily spread over three years and been enough. And, obviously, with Jess finding the love of her life rather unexpectedly partway through, I felt a bit of gooseberry at times.’
‘So why did you carry on?’
‘Because if I hadn’t it would have felt like giving up.’
One corner of his mouth rose in amusement. ‘And you call me stubborn.’
‘You are.’
‘And you’re not?’
‘Not in general, no.’
‘I think you’ve got more
of that trait than you think.’
I opened my mouth to protest, but Seb held up a hand. ‘It’s not a bad thing. Sometimes we need a bit of determination. Look at how far it’s brought you with running your own business, sticking out a year of challenges just to prove to yourself you can do it, and now having the gumption to turn round and start saying no to people.’
‘Gumption. That’s a good word.’
‘It is a good word. Sometimes it feels like there’s not a lot of it about these days and then someone like you comes along and surprises me.’
‘Especially when I have Wotsits in my hair.’
‘I reckon you could pull it off.’
‘Maybe.’
‘So, what’s the actual plan with this year?’
‘Basically saying no to stuff I don’t want to do, and just taking time for myself and doing the things I want to, rather than letting all my free time get sucked into stuff I feel obliged to do. I really only came up with the idea last night, so I haven’t quite figured all the details out yet.’
‘But you already have a tonne of books on order?’
‘Arriving later today. I don’t hang around.’
‘No, I’ve learned that. It’s why the charity has only become more and more efficient and effective since I hired you as my virtual assistant.’
I laughed. ‘As flattering as that is, I don’t think I can take that credit.’
‘Nope. It’s true. Before I found you, I knew what I wanted to do, and I was doing it, but I was also drowning in paperwork, real and virtual, and getting more and more frustrated because I knew if the charity was run more efficiently, we could be helping more people. And then there you were. The rest is history.’
‘Well, I’m glad you took a chance on me too. As for what else is on the list, I’ll have to come back to you on that.’
‘If you need a hand, then just give me a shout. I’d love to be able to help.’
‘I will. I promise. Although I have decided on one thing. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for ages, actually, but then Jess came up with that crazy idea for last year and I knew it wouldn’t work, but now I think it’s perfect.’
‘And what’s that?’
‘I’m getting a dog!’
3
The following Saturday morning I was sat in the waiting room of the local rescue centre, glancing nervously at a connecting door every few seconds. If only I’d had the same level of excitement on any of the dates I’d had in the past year as I did now. And then he was there, trotting along on the lead and heading straight for me, his fuzzy body wiggling and wriggling as he rested his paws up on my leg and pressed his little head into my hand as I gave him all the rubs and cuddles I could. He was mostly toy poodle, a little miniature schnauzer, and a dash of mystery, but clearly all heart and cuddles.
‘I think we can say he definitely likes you,’ the kennel assistant laughed as I picked the little dog up and snuggled him into me, whereupon he nuzzled into the crook of my arm and made himself comfortable, surveying the waiting room and looking for all the world as if he was right where he was supposed to be. And that was exactly how it felt. My year of saying no was beginning with most definitely saying yes to this little boy.
* * *
‘You really called him Humphrey?’ Seb asked, grinning at the little fuzzy face now peering at him through the screen. ‘Is that even legal?’
I covered Humph’s soft ears with my hands. ‘Don’t listen to the big mean man. He’s just jealous.’
‘You’re not wrong, there. He looks like he’s being thoroughly spoiled.’
‘In a good way.’
‘Of course. We all need a bit of spoiling from time to time.’
I glanced up from popping Humphrey back in his soft bed down by my feet, where he was now busy walking round in circles to find the exact point which would be the comfiest. From observation, this usually took him three or four turns. Right on cue, he plopped down with a contented sigh and within moments was snoring gently. ‘I guess we do.’
‘So, he’s settling in OK?’
Seb had been travelling on business quite a lot over the last few weeks, raising the profile of the charity and taking on a keynote speech at a conference in America. We’d spoken by message on and off, but this was our first proper catch-up for work in three weeks.
‘He is. I was a bit worried how he’d be as the rescue place thinks he’d been abandoned and had lived on the streets for a short while before some kind soul brought him in to them. But he’s so chilled. It’s brilliant. He loves his toys and walks but seems happy to just sit curled up with me when I’m reading or working.’
‘Sounds like this was definitely one of your better dates then?’
‘This,’ I said, ‘was the perfect date.’
* * *
‘So, how’s work?’ Jess asked, handing me a glass of chilled white wine as I sat, legs curled under me, on her sofa. Half-packed boxes surrounded us, as Jess began to pack up her little flat, ready for the next step.
When we’d both embarked on the year of saying yes, neither of us had envisioned it involving Jess saying a very big yes to the huge, sparkling rock she now wore on her left hand. Moments into New Year’s Day, as I was being propositioned by a belching city type, Jess was receiving a far more romantic proposal from a far more evolved city type. I’d never seen her so happy and they’d decided that her moving in to Harry’s larger apartment was the logical next step. She’d already begun turning his once sleek and shiny bachelor pad into a much more homely place, filled with scented candles and scatter cushions. She practically lived there anyway, so paying rent on a place she hardly used didn’t seem the most financially wise decision.
Jess stepped over a box and plopped down next to me.
‘Good thanks. I’ve got a couple of new clients and I’m just helping finalise the guest list for the charity’s summer gala so we can get the invitations printed and sent.’
‘Don’t forget to make sure Harry and I are on it.’
‘Already done. Thanks, Jess. We both really appreciate you supporting it.’
Jess smiled. ‘And how is the delectable Major Marshall?’
I rolled my eyes at her.
‘He’s fine.’
‘Still single?’
‘I’ve no idea,’ I said.
Jess gave me a look.
‘What?’
‘Why don’t you just ask him out?’
‘Because I don’t want to!’
She gave a snort of disbelief. ‘We’ve known each other since we were four. You’re going to have to try harder than that.’
OK, so maybe she did know about my crush then. That still didn’t mean I had any intention of actually admitting it.
‘I don’t! He’s a client, that’s all.’
‘A client you talk to every day. A client you remotely watch Eurovision together with. A client who—’
‘Yes, all right. I get your point. OK, he’s a friend, as well as a client.’
Jess opened her mouth to speak, but I headed her off.
‘But he’s still a client. Besides which, he’s never suggested anything, and he’s not exactly the shy and retiring type. If he had any interest in me, he would have said something by now. I think he probably prefers women whose wardrobes don’t largely comprise of pyjamas.’
‘You don’t know until you ask.’
‘I do. And I’m not asking. Can you imagine how awkward that would be? I have to work with this guy. He’s my biggest client. I can’t afford to lose him just because I have a little crush on him.’
Jess gave another very unladylike snort. ‘Little?’
‘Oh pffft!’ I said, blowing a raspberry, before grinning and taking a large swig of wine. That was the trouble with your best friend having known you for decades. It was kind of hard to get anything past her. ‘So, let’s talk about you. What’s with the box explosion going on here?’
Jess looked around. ‘I’m struggling. I start o
ne, and then I find something else and that feels like it should be in a different box and when I look up, I have like twenty-five boxes on the go, get overwhelmed and go and do something else. Rinse and repeat.’ Her normally wide, gap-toothed smile was hidden as she leant down to call Humphrey over from where he’d stuck his nose in a box and was so enthralled by the possibility of what might be in it that he was now two paws in and lifting one back leg up in the effort to explore further.
At her call, he popped his head back out, his ears pricked. His sensitive nose twitched as his long-lashed eyes focused in on what was in her hand. Reversing at speed out of the box, Humph scooted over to us and sat with a bump in front of Jess. She held out the little square of cheese and he took it gently, swallowing it, before nudging her hand for the possibility of more. She opened them both to show him that was it. He gave a little hard-done-by sigh before toddling over to me. I reached down and lifted him up, plopping him on my lap, where he proceeded to make himself comfy. Jess leant across the sofa, placing her hand on Humph’s soft fur and stroked his head.
‘Everything all right?’ I asked.
Jess nodded but didn’t meet my eyes.
‘Jess. If you’re not ready for this step, you need to say so. There’s no rush. Harry’s bonkers about you. He’ll wait.’
She sat up suddenly. Humphrey opened one eye, looked at her curiously for a moment, assessed her for cheese and then went back to sleep.
‘No! It’s not that. I’m totally ready for this. Even more than I thought I was. I’m… I’m just a bit worried that I’m not going to be… good at it.’
‘Good at what?’
‘Living with someone. Marriage.’
‘What on earth are you talking about? There’s nothing to be good at. It just… is. Besides, we lived together for years and you were fine.’
‘That’s not the same. And you told me I was the messiest person you’d ever known.’
‘I said that once because I had a hangover and had just stepped on plate of cold baked beans on toast.’
‘It’s kind of true though, isn’t it?’
I took her hand. ‘Jess. We’re all different. I like things tidy and neat and you are more free-flowing and take it as it comes. That doesn’t mean either is wrong. They’re just different. Although maybe not leaving a plate of cold baked beans on the floor wouldn’t hurt?’ I gave her a wink.
My Year of Saying No Page 2