My Year of Saying No

by Morrey, Maxine

‘Thought I was too uncouth to compliment a woman?’

  ‘No!’ I replied, my apparently already shocked face getting another dose. I cleared my throat. ‘In fact, I somehow get the impression that it’s quite the opposite.’

  He grinned and I tried not to notice. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘It means,’ I said, glancing at my phone as a message dinged, ‘that I think you can probably be pretty damn smooth when you want to be.’

  ‘Why do I get the idea you might think that’s a bad thing?’

  ‘Nope. Not at all. I was just stating a fact. Taxi’s here, by the way,’ I replied, dropping the phone into my clutch bag.

  ‘I see. This might be another topic to circle back to when you’ve had a few.’ He said, holding the door for me before stepping through behind me and waiting while I locked up.

  ‘Why when I’ve had a few?’ I laughed.

  ‘Because I’m intrigued as to what you might reveal once your guard is down a little more.’

  We got to the kerb and Seb leaned over before I could get the door, holding it for me before sliding in next to me. I gave the driver the address of Harry’s apartment and settled back against the seat.

  * * *

  ‘Oh darling, he’s even more gorgeous in the flesh!’ Mario whispered to me in a voice loud enough for everyone in the vicinity, including Seb, who was stood right in front of me, to hear. Heat immediately smothered my face, which I had a feeling was already turning a fetching shade of pink thanks to the free flowing champagne Harry had provided for the occasion.

  I risked a look at Seb, who met my eye with the tiniest hint of a raised eyebrow. Turning, I gave Mario a glare, which seemed to amuse him even more, laughing as he squeezed me in a hello hug.

  ‘Mario,’ he said, releasing me and extending his hand towards Seb. ‘We’ve heard all about you. It’s fabulous to finally meet you.’

  Oh my god. Where was a hole in the ground when you needed one?

  ‘Ah! The famous Mario. It’s a pleasure to meet you too,’ Seb replied, smiling. ‘I know you’re responsible for Lottie enjoying her dance lessons as much as she does.’

  Mario batted his gorgeously long eyelashes and laid a hand on his chest. ‘Well, I can’t take all the credit – just most of it.’ He did the wicked grin that had got us more than one warning look from the dance instructor, but even those were easing now as Mario began winning her over too. ‘And from what we hear, you’re responsible for Lottie enjoying her work as much as she does.’

  ‘Right!’ I needed to stop this before Mario got too carried away. I could have nobbled Jess right now for ever bringing up Seb’s name in Mario and Andy’s company. I could deal with the teasing on our own but with him standing right there, it was just on the wrong side of mortification. ‘Who’s for food? Seb, you’re always hungry. Come on, let’s go and see what we can find.’ I wrapped my hands around Seb’s arm, bodily moving him away in the direction of the buffet as he was mid-wave to Mario.

  ‘Stronger than you look,’ he said, glancing down at me, amusement dancing in his eyes.

  ‘Needs must. And stop looking at me like that.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Like that,’ I said, drawing an imaginary circle around his face.

  His smile widened. ‘Literally still no clearer.’

  I gave a huff and turned back to the food handing Seb a bamboo plate, which he inspected for a moment before beginning to fill it. Popping a warm, artisan sausage roll in my mouth, I tried to calm my nerves and laugh off Mario’s teasing like I normally did. Seb clearly wasn’t bothered. Trying to pretend that he had no idea what Mario had meant was stretching things a little far, even for me. So now I just had to decide whether to actually address it, and laugh it off, or just say nothing and hope Seb didn’t either.

  ‘So, how come he’s heard so much about me?’ Seb asked, stealing a cheese straw off my plate.

  ‘Oi, get your own,’ I said, slapping his hand away as he went in for the second one, although I was secretly grateful the food seemed to have distracted him from his question. At least temporarily.

  ‘I didn’t see those.’

  I stuffed the snack in my mouth before he could make another attempt at it and pointed at the far end of the table.

  Seb assessed the room left on his plate, then looked back. ‘I’ll get some second go round.’

  ‘I don’t know where you put it all,’ I said, genuinely curious. I’d seen the size of the meals he could put away, but there wasn’t an ounce of fat on him. Muscle, yes. Oh lord, there was plenty of that, but definitely no fat.

  He shrugged. ‘Burn it off.’

  An idea of a very efficient and what I dangerously imagined to be a very enjoyable way of burning it off shot into my head unannounced and uninvited.

  ‘Do you want to go outside?’

  ‘What?’ I squeaked, my interrupted thoughts still very much not PG and momentarily misinterpreting Seb’s question. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on whether or not you were my libido, he clarified the matter.

  ‘You just look like you could do with a little fresh air. It’s quite warm in here.’

  I knew he’d been involved in several negotiations when he’d been deployed and I could see that his skills in tact hadn’t left him. Sadly, I didn’t possess the same ability to sip champagne, look glamorous and remain a nice, normal colour as my sister and Jess did. Instead, it had the regular propensity of creating two high spots of colour on my cheeks which gradually grew the more I drank.

  ‘Oh crap. I look like bloody Noddy already, don’t I?’ I groaned, dropping my head and studying some crumbs on my eco picnic plate.

  ‘Nope,’ Seb’s steady, calm voice replied.

  He adjusted position in front of me and tilted himself down a little until I looked up and met his eyes.

  ‘Liar.’

  Unruffled, he shook his head. ‘You’re a tiny bit pink on your cheeks, but then so are a lot of people. It’s warm and there’s alcohol.’ He shrugged as if that was all that needed saying.

  ‘You’re not pink! You’re a nice normal colour and you’ve had alcohol too.’

  ‘But I don’t have your beautiful peaches-and-cream skin tone.’

  ‘I don’t think it’s all that beautiful right now,’ I said, aware that there was an edge of petulance in my voice.

  ‘Well, I do, and always will,’ Seb replied, matter-of-factly, taking my now empty plate from me and putting it on the side. ‘Come on, let’s go out on the balcony for a few minutes and get some fresh air.’

  ‘We’re in London. I’m not sure there’s a lot of that about.’

  ‘You do have a point. OK. As near to it as we can get then.’

  I raised my eyes, unexpectedly finding Seb watching me. ‘What?’

  ‘You. I… just don’t get why you don’t have more confidence in yourself when it comes to anything outside work.’

  I shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Then I reckon that’s something we need to work on. You already took the step of saying no to stuff you don’t want to do. Now it’s time to start saying no to stuff you don’t want to feel too.’

  ‘Like Noddy?’

  He grinned, standing aside for me to step through onto the wrap-around balcony of Harry’s penthouse apartment.

  ‘I was always a fan of Noddy, actually. I think it was the cool car.’

  I rolled my eyes at him and walked out, feeling the chill air hit my burning cheeks as a shiver rippled through me. Immediately, Seb was close, and I felt another shiver, but this one was far more pleasant. And possibly far more dangerous.

  20

  ‘Are you OK? Do you want me to go and get your coat?’

  I shook my head, staying him with a hand on his forearm. ‘No. Thank you. I’m fine.’

  Seb watched me for a moment, taking the time to make his own decision on this before lifting his head and looking out at the view. ‘Wow.’

  ‘Yes, it is a bit, isn’t
it?’ Below and around us, London twinkled, shimmered and glowed. The modern skyline soared upwards, dwarfing its historic counterparts, although they refused to be overwhelmed, standing strong and reminding residents and visitors that this city was a complex place with much more to offer than just commerce.

  ‘Can you imagine waking up to this every day?’ Seb asked.

  ‘I like it more like this with all the lights twinkling. Cities always look better this way, I think.’

  Seb leant on the banister rail.

  ‘Is that safe?’ I asked, still a couple of steps back from the edge.

  ‘I didn’t know you were afraid of heights.’

  ‘I’m not. I’m afraid of falling from them. It’s an entirely different thing.’

  ‘Come here.’ He held out a hand.

  I hesitated.

  ‘Come on. I promise I won’t let go.’

  ‘I can see perfectly well from here.’

  Seb gave me a patient look, his hand still held out towards me.

  I sucked in a deep breath and reached out. Gently his large, warm hand closed around my cool, smaller one and I took a step nearer the glass of the balcony surround.

  ‘One more.’

  I did so, and then I was there, one hand gripping Seb’s for dear life, the other almost welded to the cold steel of the rail, knuckles showing white in the stylish but low outdoor lighting Harry had had installed.

  ‘All right?’ Seb asked, his voice soft but without any hint of condescension.

  I suddenly realised I’d been holding my breath. I let it out in a whoosh, the word ‘Yes’ being swept along in it.

  He nodded, remaining silent, letting me take in the view better as I felt my muscles gradually relax.

  ‘Why do you like cities more at night?’ he asked.

  ‘I suppose it’s a different feel. It’s like it has a mask on like this.’

  ‘A mask?’

  ‘Yes. Like we both know there’s dirt, and greed, and crime and so on going on out there, and in every city all the time, day or night. But when you look at them like this, it’s all hidden. It looks pretty and sparkling. Like a swathe of Christmas lights, and you can forget about all the bad stuff because it’s out of sight.’

  ‘You can’t just pretend the bad stuff isn’t there though,’ Seb argued, his tone gentle. ‘At least, that’s not a great long-term plan. It fails eventually. Real life has a habit of intruding.’

  ‘Yeah, I know. But you asked.’

  ‘I did.’

  He turned back so that we were both facing the river, our hands still joined and now both resting up on the rail.

  ‘You’d tell me if there was something you were having trouble with, wouldn’t you?’

  I turned towards him. ‘Me?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘There isn’t anything.’

  ‘That’s not what I asked.’

  I let out a sigh. ‘You’re so pedantic,’ I grouched, bumping my shoulder against him lightly.

  ‘Again, not the worst thing I’ve ever been called.’

  ‘I really need to find out what is.’

  He laughed then, warm, deep, relaxed. ‘You really don’t.’

  ‘I do!’

  He pushed himself up, grinning down at me. ‘So not going to happen.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘For several reasons.’

  I sighed. ‘Such as?’

  Seb shook his head. ‘Man, you’re persistent.’

  ‘And you’re stubborn. Tell me.’

  ‘No. One, I don’t want to cloud your judgement of me, especially as, from what I gathered from Mario, it’s not too bad at the moment.’

  The colour whooshed back to my face.

  ‘And, secondly, it’s not language I’d repeat in front of a lady.’

  A giggle bubbled out of me, and I glanced around. ‘I’m sorry. Did we just step out of a time machine into 1892 or something? I’m sure I know just as many bad words as you do.’

  ‘Actually, I doubt that. Army life is very enlightening. But that’s irrelevant. My reasons still stand.’

  ‘I don’t need protecting.’

  ‘What if you don’t get the choice?’

  ‘I always have a choice,’ I said, in a tone that didn’t encourage debate on the subject.

  He shook his head. ‘Of course. That’s not what I meant. It just came out wrong. I meant—’

  ‘There you are!’ Jess bounced up to us, clearly slightly the worse for wear but looking as happy as I had seen her in years. We exchanged a hug. ‘Harry said you were here, but, oh my goodness, I didn’t realise we’d invited so many people! I’ve been trying to get over and see you for about an hour!’

  ‘Just wait until the wedding!’ I winked.

  ‘I know, right?’ Jess nudged my arm with hers, the champagne in her glass sloshing dangerously up the sides of the crystal. I eyed the glass, and Jess followed me, immediately steadying it. ‘Honestly, I told him we shouldn’t have this stuff for today. But he insisted that he wanted us to toast with proper crystal.’ She rolled her eyes, but I could tell she was loving it. ‘And he said it was more eco-friendly than plastic disposable ones, which was a low blow but obviously right.’

  Ever since watching the Blue Planet programmes, Jess had been steadily doing her bit to reduce the plastic usage in her life, and the lives of those around her. Harry was clearly on board, although not many of us could afford to swap out the picnic cups for crystal, even if they were hired, but I liked his style.

  ‘Why not?’ I said, clinking my glass against hers, laughing as we agreed that the pleasing ting it made was so much better than anything else could ever have been.

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m being so rude.’ Jess then turned to Seb, charm-o-meter switched to high. To be fair, that was pretty much Jess’ standard setting, but it was always fun to watch people fall under her spell. Normally, she’d elegantly extend her hand, with its perfect nails, and execute a firm but friendly handshake. But champagne and excitement had obviously made their mark as tonight Jess just launched in for a hug, catching Seb slightly off guard. She pulled back. ‘I’m so happy to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.’

  Seb slid his glance to me momentarily. ‘People keep telling me that tonight. I’m still trying to work out if that’s a good thing,’ he said, giving her the killer grin that I was pretty sure he didn’t know he even possessed.

  ‘Oh, it’s definitely a good thing.’

  ‘They don’t get out much,’ I said, shrugging.

  ‘Fair enough,’ he smiled, taking a sip from his glass as we all headed back into the main room.

  ‘Have you seen Harry yet?’ Jess asked, glancing round for her fiancé, and beckoning madly when she caught his eye.

  ‘Briefly, when we came in,’ Seb replied, as across the room Harry excused himself from the guests he’d been talking to and ambled over, sliding his arm around Jess’ waist and placing a kiss on her temple as he arrived.

  ‘We’re so glad you could both come,’ Harry said, waving over one of the hired catering staff to top up our glasses. ‘And it’s brilliant to meet you in person, Seb. I was so excited to get involved with your charity once Jess told me about it. The support you’ve already given me with the training and so on, it’s been great.’

  ‘Anytime. Obviously, the charity is hugely grateful for the publicity you’ve generated, as well as the donations, so anything we can do to help, just give us a call. Actually, can you hold that a minute, Lots,’ Seb asked, passing his drink to me before pulling a slim wallet out from his back pocket. Withdrawing a business card, he handed it to Harry. ‘That’s got my personal number on too, if you ever need anything. I know you’re pretty experienced at these things, but just in case. You know, pep talks, training ideas, emergency jelly babies, whatever.’

  ‘Thanks, mate. I really appreciate that,’ Harry said, looking at the card for a moment, before pocketing it in the back of his designer jeans.

  ‘No problem.’
Seb smiled as I handed him back his glass and he took a sip. ‘What?’ he asked as I continued to focus on him. A focus that was, admittedly, now slightly fuzzy around the edges.

  ‘Emergency jelly babies?’

  ‘Excellent for an energy boost as well as delightfully tasty!’ Harry added.

  ‘You’ve never offered me emergency jelly babies, and we’ve been friends for ages,’ I complained.

  ‘I would have, had you been training for a triathlon.’

  Harry and I exchanged a smile as something caught Jess’ eye across the room. ‘Oh Lots! Your parents are here. Fabulous! I’ll go and get them.’ And with that, she dashed off, returning moments later with my mum and dad in tow as Harry signalled a waitress for two more glasses of champagne.

  ‘Hello, darling!’ Mum said, reaching out for a hug, followed by Dad. ‘Sorry we’re late. Traffic was a bit snarly coming into town.’

  ‘I thought you were getting the train?’

  ‘That strike they were threatening went ahead today, unfortunately,’ Dad replied.

  ‘Oh.’ I made a point of avoiding as much news coverage of everything and anything as far as I could. It was another aspect of me saying no to things I didn’t want to do. And being inundated with doom and gloom every day with twenty-four hour rolling news was definitely something I didn’t want. It had already made quite a difference. The effect of seeing all those depressing headlines every day had, apparently, been something I’d underestimated and cutting it out had certainly been beneficial. ‘Mum, Dad, this is Seb. And please don’t tell him you’ve heard so much about him as he is developing a complex about it.’

  Mum smiled and shook his hand, covering it with both of her own. ‘It’s lovely to meet you, Seb.’ I could see she was itching to say more, but, much to my relief, kept to my wishes.

  ‘Pleased to meet you,’ Dad said, one shovel sized hand taking Seb’s equally sizeable one. ‘We’ve heard absolutely nothing at all about you.’

  Everyone laughed and I doinked my head against Seb’s upper arm, hiding my face.

  As my dad released his hand, Seb’s arm curled around me and gave a reassuring squeeze. ‘I’m tougher than you think. Don’t worry about it.’