‘Nothing! We were just coming back in.’
‘Hmm, low voices, close together.’
‘It was nothing. Honestly.’
Jess shook her head, her corkscrew curls dancing as she did so. ‘Well, looking at you two, it should most definitely be something.’
‘We’ve been over this.’
‘And you haven’t changed your mind?’
Had I?
Jess took my silence as affirmation. ‘What if I had a word?’
‘Don’t you dare!’ I said, grabbing her arm. ‘Oh my god. That would be so… Just promise me you won’t! I’m fine, Jess, really.’ I lowered my voice. ‘Yes, I admit I still have a bit of a crush on him, but that’s all it is, and I don’t want what we have messed up. Promise me you won’t say anything!’
‘I won’t. I promise. I was just trying to help. You two look so perfect together.’
‘You said that about me and The Ex.’ Jess refused to let me mention him by name as she blamed him wholeheartedly for me having possibly wasted some of my best childbearing years on him. The fact I’d been in no way ready or even inclined to have a child during that time was irrelevant. The idea was enough for Jess.
‘I know. But this time I’m right.’
‘OK.’ I laughed, a slight shiver catching me as a breeze ruffled the water below and wound its way around the planters, rustling the leaves of the bamboo within them. ‘I think I’m going to head back in. It’s getting a bit chilly out here. How are the feet?’
Jess gave them a quick rub and rummaged around to find the shoes that had tumbled beneath the lounger. ‘We’ll see when I get them back on,’ she said, her words slightly muffled due to her position and the breeze now building. ‘Where’s the other one bloody gone?’
I bent down and peered, reaching out to grab the missing shoe.
‘What on earth are you doing?’
22
I felt my heart sink as those snobbish tones cut through the wind.
I stood up, handed Jess her shoe and turned to face Tarquin. I refrained from explaining myself as, frankly, it was none of his damn business, and I’d already had about as much conversation as I wanted with this man to last a lifetime.
He made a little movement of his head as if to prompt me to reply, as though he were some university don and I’d been caught walking across a quad despite the ‘keep off the grass’ sign. Smug git.
I tilted my head up in response and remained silent, seeing his jaw harden as I did so. Jess was strapped back into her shoes now and I turned, holding out a hand to haul her up off the lounger.
‘So, you and this Seb bloke a thing then?’
Normally I’d have happily replied, but after his dig earlier and the underlying tone that rippled through his question, I was in no hurry to answer.
Tarquin took my silence as enough of an answer. The sneer curled back onto his lip. ‘Interesting choice. I expect you were always the kid bringing home injured animals too, weren’t you?’
I dug my fingers into my palms and made to step past him. The slightest of movements by him blocked my way.
‘Excuse me.’
‘You don’t know what you’re missing,’ he said, moving a step closer to me. ‘Tell you what, when you’re ready for a real man, give me a call. Maybe I’ll give you a go after all.’
‘Who the hell do you think you are?’ Fury shone in my eyes. ‘Seb Marshall is far more man that you could ever dream of being, and frankly, if you were the last man on earth, I still wouldn’t call you, and now, unless you fancy taking a short walk off this balcony, I suggest you get out of my way.’
Tarquin stared at me for a moment and then laughed.
‘God, you’re a nasty piece of work,’ Jess snapped, coming to stand beside me. ‘You don’t deserve a friend like Harry. I have no idea what he sees in you.’
‘Well,’ he sniped, wheeling on Jess, ‘I could easily say the same, although it’s very evident to everyone what you see in him.’
‘I beg your pardon.’
Tarquin gave a dramatic roll of his eyes. ‘Oh, come on, Jessica. Everyone knows what you’re after and well done you on hooking him, but let me enlighten you. If you think for one moment, even with that rock on your finger, that you’re set for life, then you’re in for a rather nasty surprise. Harry’s got a set type he goes for. You’re…’ he looked her up and down, ‘obviously quite different from that, but that’s your attraction, I suppose. You’re a novelty. And novelties wear off. Harry might be smitten now, but he’s loyal to his family, who we all know aren’t exactly thrilled about welcoming you into the fold. He’s got generations of standards to live up to. He’ll know what to do when the time is right.’
We both stood staring at Tarquin, hurt and astounded by his words. Not only the content but the harsh, vicious delivery of them, carried out with such apparent glee.
I turned to look at Jess, a woman who, as her mum had often despaired during her daughter’s teenage years, would ‘have an answer for the devil if he popped up in front of her’. She was silent. Being mixed race, Jess had heard a lot in her time and rarely let it get to her, but Tarquin’s words had cut her more deeply and more unexpectedly than any others. The boiling rage inside me bubbled up and exploded.
I opened my mouth, set to let loose a vehement tirade, but before I could say a word, Harry’s educated tones cut through the air.
‘Tarquin. I think it would be best if you left now.’
Jess and I looked round to see Harry and Seb standing further down the balcony, having apparently exited from the kitchen doors of the apartment. I had no idea how much of the conversation they’d heard, but, judging by the look on both their faces, my guess was pretty much all of it.
Tarquin looked momentarily surprised and then began to smile. ‘Harry, old chap, you had me going there for a minute.’
Harry didn’t smile.
Tarquin’s face clouded with anger. ‘You’re not actually serious?’
Harry said nothing. It was all the answer needed.
‘So, just let me get this straight? You’re choosing people like this,’ he gave a tilt of his chin towards the three of us, ‘over years of friendship? Over people of your own kind? Your own level?’
‘Like I said, I think it’s time you left.’ Harry’s normally smiling face now held an icy expression.
Tarquin’s eyes narrowed, disbelief mingling with disgust. He turned on an expensive heel and yanked open the door, stalking through. The front door slamming reverberated throughout the room, stilling the conversation for a moment before the level rose again. Out on the balcony, though, everything was still silent.
‘I am so, so sorry,’ Harry said, looking distraught. ‘Jess, my darling,’ he said, cupping her face, and tilting it to his own. ‘You know none of that was true, don’t you? I will never, ever be tired of you. If I am tired of you, I will be tired of life and I have no plans for being either.’ He moved his hands and wrapped them around her, Jess’ own doing the same and holding him close. ‘And to you two, what he said…’
Seb spoke for the first time. ‘Like I said before, not your fault, mate. I’ve heard it all before and Lottie had already decided he was an idiot months ago. No harm done. So long as you two are all right?’
‘We are.’ Harry looked down at Jess, hesitating. ‘Aren’t we?’
‘Of course, we are!’ Jess said, pushing her hair back and sneaking a quick wipe of a stray tear as she did so.
Jess loved drama and was a pretty good actress in the amateur productions she’d been in over the years, but I’d known her since playgroup and I wasn’t fooled. Tarquin’s words had done damage. I only hoped it was reparable.
‘It’s actually getting kind of late,’ Seb said, glancing at the face of his complicated looking watch. ‘We should probably make a move anyway, if Lottie’s ready.’
I was more than ready. I’d been feeling the long day before the showdown on the balcony, but the emotional impact of that, plus the cham
pagne, and now I felt like my body was swaying. I wasn’t entirely sure if that was in my head or actually happening, although as Seb came to stand next to me and gently took my hand, the sensation stopped, so I guessed it had certainly had some physical element to it.
‘Oh, don’t go because of this, please!’ Jess said.
‘Don’t be silly,’ I said, reaching out and hugging her hard. ‘It’s nothing to do with that. You know I’d normally be in my pyjamas about five hours ago. It’s just time to go and sleep.’
A sparkle of the real Jess then showed as she pulled back and gave the tiniest raise of one HD brow.
I widened my eyes in warning in return, receiving a smile in reply. That alone was worth the tease.
‘Harry, darling. There you are!’
We all turned at the well-spoken words and saw a woman moving swiftly towards us along the balcony. If I had to choose one word to describe her, it would be elegant. Another would be expensive.
‘Ginny, how are you? We’re so glad you could come,’ Harry replied, as she kissed him on both cheeks.
‘Jess, how lovely to see you.’ The greeting procedure was repeated. ‘I’m dreadfully sorry to be so late. I had another engagement which rather ran on, but I did so want to make sure I at least said hello.’
‘That’s OK. Thank you for coming.’ Jess smiled back at her, before turning towards us. ‘Lady Carstairs, may I introduce my best friend, Lottie and—’
‘Seb, darling man. You didn’t tell me you were going to be here.’ She gave him a slightly pouty look, which she really made work for her. Something if I tried just made me look like a petulant five year old. ‘Hello, Lottie,’ she said, tearing her eyes away from Seb momentarily to meet mine. ‘How lovely to meet you.’
‘And you,’ I replied, automatically.
‘Seb and Lottie were just leaving, unfortunately.’
‘Oh?’ Her gaze flicked between us. ‘Can’t I persuade you to stay a little longer so we can get to know each other better?’ She smiled at me, but her gaze lingered on Seb.
‘It’s been a long day,’ Seb returned. ‘Another time.’
‘I’ll call you.’ I’d never heard three words loaded with so much promise and kicked myself for the knot in my stomach it created. I’d had my opportunity and I’d turned it down. What Seb did, and with whom, shouldn’t bother me.
It shouldn’t – but it did.
Seb gave a brief smile and a short nod but said nothing. Lady Carstairs gave me another smile, before leaning over to kiss Seb on the cheek, her lips lingering there momentarily. Pulling back, she met his eyes, then turned, waving as she disappeared back into the main throng of the party.
We said our goodbyes to Jess and Harry with a lot of hugs before Seb gently took my hand and led me to the balcony door, still open from Tarquin’s dramatic exit, before standing aside for me to go first and then stepping through after me. Turning, we gave the others a quick wave and I blew a kiss before Seb shut the door to give them the privacy they needed.
‘I hope that was OK to suggest leaving. It just seemed like Jess and Harry needed to talk.’
‘I was about to suggest it anyway, so it was good timing. Unless you want to stay a bit longer now?’ My glance slid to where Harry’s latest guest was laughing with a couple more of Harry’s friends.
He followed my eyeline briefly, then shook his head. ‘Nope.’
‘You all right?’
Seb frowned as he picked up my coat and proceeded to stand behind me, holding out the arms for me to slip it on. ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’
‘I just…’ I tucked my scarf around me as Seb shrugged into a smart wool pea coat, pulling the apartment door closed behind us as we stepped out into the hallway. ‘I’m just sorry you had to hear all that. I mean what Tarquin said about—’
‘Lottie. I already told Harry it’s fine and I’m telling you the same thing.’
A lift arrived and we stepped in, before silently and smoothly descending to the marbled lobby of the exclusive apartment block.
‘I know but—’
‘Lottie,’ Seb said, turning to me, his size stopping me in my tracks. I looked up, meeting the dark eyes, serious in the handsome face. ‘I don’t give a shit what people like Tarquin think about me, and while I appreciate the thought, I definitely don’t need you to defend me. I’m more than capable of defending myself, if and when the need arises.’
I got the distinct feeling I was being told off. He turned to walk away.
‘So, why didn’t you then?’ I asked, annoyed. It had always been second nature for me to defend my friends and here he was, getting all uppity about it.
Seb stopped, glancing at the concierge, who was, in accordance with his job, doing a wonderful impression of not being able to hear our conversation as it echoed around the expensive décor. Seb pushed the door to the street open and waited for me to go through. Once outside he turned back.
‘I didn’t because there was no need for it. One, it’s Jess and Harry’s night and I didn’t want to make a bigger deal than was necessary, and two, I don’t need to dignify comments from people like Tarquin Twit-Idiot-Pendleton with a response, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t either. I know you meant well, but I don’t need your protection.’
‘You know what? If you think I won’t always defend my friends, any of my friends, then perhaps you don’t know me as well as you think you do.’
His hands were shoved in his pockets now and his body, still held with the upright bearing of a soldier, was rigid. He felt distant. Unreachable.
‘Fine,’ I said, looking away. ‘And thanks for the clarification on how to behave.’
‘Lottie…’
‘Here’s the taxi now. Perfect.’ I’d called it on an app from upstairs and had never been more pleased of a distraction. I grabbed the door handle before Seb could and slid in the back, across the seat, and as far away from him as I could manage.
Seb manoeuvred in, wincing for a moment as he tried to fit, his leg bumping against the seat in front. I could already see the problem, but, having apparently already said too much once this evening, I remained silent, letting him deal with it.
‘Could you push the seat up a bit, please, mate?’
‘Oh, yeah sure,’ the driver replied in a slightly dazed manner that made me think that hailing a black cab might have been a better option.
Seb settled his long legs in and shut the door, leaning back against the seat. Confirming the directions, I settled back too and turned my head away to look out at the streets of London, still busy with locals and tourists. Neither of us spoke, the air filled instead with the offerings of a Punjabi radio station as the driver bopped his head softly to the beat.
Having paid the taxi, we walked to my flat and I unlocked the door, Seb following me in, both of us silent, the air between us thick enough to slice. Hearing us enter, the two dogs hurled themselves around the corner, greeting us both as though we’d been away for months, not a few hours. That doggy greeting never got old. Even on a night like tonight, those canine snuggles raised my spirits.
I stood back from cuddling the dogs and slipped my coat off, hanging it on the hook. From the corner of my eye, I saw that Seb was still wearing his.
‘Aren’t you taking that off?’
Seb let out a sigh and absent-mindedly ruffled the fur on the top of his dog’s head.
‘What is it?’ I asked.
He tipped his head back momentarily before looking down at me. ‘I’m just thinking it probably would have been better if I’d not had a drink and I could have just left now, and not be stood here, making us both feel awkward.’
‘Right,’ I said, for lack of anything else to say as thoughts pinged about my brain.
‘I’m usually up early anyway, so I can be gone before you—’ He stopped mid-sentence, his eyes widening at me in surprise.
He wasn’t the only one surprised. I’d had absolutely no intention of bursting into tears in quite such a spectacular manner.
If at all! And I still had no idea where they’d come from. One minute I was busily ensconced in my annoyance at him and the next minute I had a virtual torrent streaming down my face and had started making weird hitching noises as I juggled breathing and crying, my body apparently trying to get a rhythm going but struggling in that particular endeavour.
Then Seb’s arms were around me, pulling me gently against him, one large warm hand behind my head, the other at my back. But just because I was crying didn’t mean I wasn’t still upset with him and I pushed him away. At least I tried. He didn’t really budge, which was kind of annoying. Instead, he pulled away a little, looking down at me.
‘Lots, I’m so sorry. I never meant to upset you. I know you were just being who you are.’ He moved his hands to my face. ‘Please forgive me. I haven’t handled this very well and the last thing in the world I want is see you like this.’
‘Then don’t look,’ I snuffled out between hiccups.
He pushed my hair back with one hand. ‘Not an option.’
I gave a little huff and he pulled me back against him and I relented a little, resting my head against his chest as he stroked my hair with one hand, the other cuddling me to him. ‘I just hated hearing him speak like that. I couldn’t help it. It just came out. It’s nothing to do with me thinking you can’t defend yourself. It’s to do with you being my friend.’
‘I know. I realise that now. It was kind of an automatic reaction.’
I pulled my head back in order to meet his eyes. ‘Why?’
‘Why what?’
‘Why is that your automatic reaction? What’s so bad about your friends standing up for you. You’d do it in a heartbeat.’
‘That’s different.’
I pushed away from him, but more gently this time. ‘No. It’s not. It’s exactly the same. Just because you’re all big and… like that…’ I said, with exactness, waving my hand at him, ‘doesn’t mean people don’t still feel protective about you. And before you say anything, it’s got nothing to do with anything else. Tarquin would have found something to dig at you about, even without your injury, and I would have told him exactly the same thing. You are worth a hundred of him.’
My Year of Saying No Page 18