The smile was soft, kind and full of a love gone in body but never in mind. ‘It is.’
The emotions of Friday night, and now with a smattering of possibly confused ones in between, washed over me and, without thinking, I transferred the pot to one hand and gave Seb’s dad a massive hug. When I pulled back, he looked a little startled, albeit pleasantly. ‘Thank you so much for this. It’s so kind of you.’
‘You’re very welcome. Seb has always spoken so highly of you, and I know you’ve done a lot for him and the charity. His mother would have wanted you to have one. She’d probably have had a few words to say about it if I hadn’t passed a cutting on to you, in fact, especially knowing you love to grow things.’
‘That’s a very lovely thing to say.’
He paused for a moment, then nodded softly. ‘She’d have liked you very much, I think.’
I swiped at my eyes with the back of my free hand, the other holding the plant pot firmly against my side. ‘Oh don’t, you’ll set me right off. I’m not all stiff upper lip like you and Seb, I’m afraid. I blub at the slightest provocation.’
‘That’s not a bad thing. Stiff upper lip is useful on some occasions but probably less so than you think.’
He turned back to the cold frame and moved some plants around a little, twisting them so that the light hit them from a different angle, encouraging them to grow evenly.
‘Does Seb ever come up here with you?’ I asked, hugging my rose cutting.
‘No,’ he said, the word coming out on a sigh. ‘Not really since he was injured. He’d come before, when he was around, and help me do bits and bobs. Of course, there are certain things he can’t manage quite so well now and I think because of that he feels…’ He stood, and another sigh escaped him. ‘I don’t know what he feels, Lottie, if I’m honest. I’ve never expected him to do stuff up here, even before it all happened. This was always my love, not his, but he seemed happy enough to be here and I was glad of the company, just as I would be now.’
I frowned, trying to reconcile this with the awkwardness I’d witnessed earlier and what Seb had said about feeling like a disappointment to his father. Obviously, I had no idea of what was really going on, and it was likely way more complicated, just as Seb had mentioned, but I was beginning to wonder if it couldn’t be a lot simpler.
‘It just seems like we’re very different people these days.’
‘Or maybe it’s that you’re very much alike.’
He rested his hands behind his back for a moment and I got a flash of how he would have looked before he retired, his posture now still and straight as he studied me. ‘You’re a quiet sort, but I get the feeling you’re a little bit like a swan – there’s a lot going on that nobody sees.’
I gave a shy smile, aware that he was pretty much right on the money.
‘That’s what I thought. Come on, let’s get you back to the house before I get in trouble with Seb for taking up too much of your time.’
‘Where I spend my time isn’t really his decision.’
At this he grinned. ‘That is true.’
28
We headed out of the allotment, back towards the squeaky gate, me holding on tight to my new plant. The silence was companionable as we listened to the sounds of nature in the trees surrounding the plots. Pulling the gate closed behind us, we set off back down the lane.
‘Thanks again for this,’ I said, holding my pot out.
‘You’re very welcome.’ Mr Marshall smiled, but there was a sadness behind it. ‘I miss my wife every day, but I’m glad she’s not here to see how much Seb and I have drifted apart. It would break her heart.’
I glanced across and wondered if it wasn’t breaking the hearts of those that were still here.
‘Alice was never really cut out to be an army wife. I mean, she adapted and coped, but, given the choice, I know it wouldn’t have been her first one. I think Seb, as the oldest, was more aware of that than Jamie. I think he feels I should have been around more for her. Sometimes I feel that maybe I should have left the service and given her and the boys a more settled and stable life.’
I considered this for a moment. ‘True, but then you wouldn’t have been doing what you wanted and your wife would have known that. From what I’ve heard about her from Seb and you, I get the feeling that if she knew you weren’t doing what you wanted to be doing, it wouldn’t have made her happy.’
‘Maybe. But perhaps if he hadn’t been exposed to that life, Seb wouldn’t have ended up going into the army either.’
The consequences of that particular decision were clear but left unsaid.
‘Would you mind if I asked you a question?’
‘Of course not.’
‘It’s… a little personal.’ I chewed the side of my mouth for a minute. ‘Actually, forget I said anything.’ I gave him a look under my lashes, embarrassed I had almost got carried away.
His look was even. ‘Ask away, Lottie.’
‘Are you sure? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.’
He looked across at me.
‘OK. I just sort of wondered if you…’ I stopped, running through the question in my head. ‘If you feel responsible for what happened to Seb.’ I rushed on, ‘It’s just that, from how you were talking, it sounds like you do, and I’m sure he wouldn’t want that.’
Mr Marshall remained silent for a few moments and I gave myself a mental kick for not keeping my thoughts to myself. Whether he did or didn’t, it was none of my business. I should have just kept my mouth shut. Damn.
‘Not directly.’ The voice was steady but quiet. I looked up at him, but his gaze was fixed on a point somewhere out on the horizon. ‘I didn’t plant the IED that blew up his vehicle, but if he’d had a different childhood? Not been exposed to the army life? Maybe he’d have made different choices.’ He gave a little shrug, his eyes still on a point in the distance – or perhaps in the past.
‘You can’t think that way,’ I told him, my voice soft. ‘Seb made his own decisions. What if you’d been a banker? Or a lawyer?’
He looked at me and screwed up his nose, making me laugh and lightening the moment. But the words I was saying still held weight.
‘Hypothetically speaking. That doesn’t mean that Seb still wouldn’t have become a soldier. And the look on your face just now tells me you were doing exactly the job you were meant to do. Just as Seb was.’
‘Perhaps that is true.’
‘I’m pretty sure it is. Having met you both, I can’t really imagine either of you as anything other than soldiers. Even retired ones.’
‘Seb’s doing pretty great as a businessman. I mean, from what I hear from Jamie. He doesn’t really say a lot about it himself to me.’
I shook my head. ‘You’re both carrying around all this guilt and all it’s doing is making things worse.’
‘Seb feels guilty about something?’ He stopped walking.
Oh. Crap.
‘Umm. No… I just meant… in a general sense.’
‘Lottie. I dealt with people in a whole host of situations. Sometimes it was very handy to know if they were telling the truth or not. You get pretty good at working out who’s lying and who isn’t. And I’m pretty sure that right now, you just told a porker.’
I looked up and saw him see straight through me. Just like his son could. But this wasn’t my secret to tell. I’d already said far too much and Seb had told me something in confidence. Not that he’d ever asked me not to say anything, but it had been unspoken – at least I’d taken it that way. I liked this man, sensing that he loved and missed his eldest son very much. Having spoken to both of them, it seemed the chasm between them had been due to circumstances, guilt, pride and a whole host of other reasons that made things complicated when they should be simple. But I couldn’t fix this, or even try to, without breaking a trust I wasn’t prepared to, even if I thought it could help.
‘Understood,’ he said simply, gently squeezing me round the shoulders in reassura
nce and I felt a wave of relief.
* * *
‘Look what I got!’ I held the pot out to show Seb as he opened the door to us a few minutes later.
He bent his head, reading the tag stood on its side in the earth. ‘Charlotte.’ He looked across at his dad. ‘Is that Mum’s rose?’
‘A cutting of one of them, yes.’
Seb held out his arm for me to grab on to as I wobbled, trying to steady myself as I took off my boots. ‘You’ll like it, Lottie. It smells gorgeous. My mum would just sit there on summer evenings sometimes, enjoying the scent on the warm air.’ His face had a faraway look on it and I thought back to his dad telling me how he did the same thing up at the allotment, and wished I could tell Seb. But I wasn’t sure that was my tale to tell.
‘Lottie! Come and bake with us!’ Isla grabbed my hand, tugging me in towards the kitchen, forcing me to shove the plant at Seb as I was yanked along. He grabbed it off me, cradling it for a moment as I had done and I suddenly had an overwhelming desire to hold him.
The children had launched into the baking, and moments later I was pretty sure I already had cake mix in my hair from some vigorous stirring by Seb’s nephew. His uncle looked over and smiled as the men disappeared into the other room.
‘I probably ought to be getting home soon,’ I said to Olivia, closing the door of the oven, having put the fairy cakes in to bake.
‘Oh no! Stay for tea. Please. It’s lovely to have you here. It’s so nice to have another woman to talk to.’ She gave a little wink before lowering her voice. ‘Plus, between you and me, I haven’t seen Seb this happy in a long time.’
‘Oh, I don’t think—’
‘I do,’ she interrupted. ‘I’ve known that boy a long time and I definitely do.’
‘Lottie?’ Seb was at the door to the kitchen and right now he didn’t look happy at all. I glanced at Olivia and she frowned.
‘Yes?’
‘Can I have a word with you, please?’
‘Umm… of course. Hang on, just let me wash my hands.’
Olivia passed me the towel and we exchanged a confused look before I followed Seb towards the front door. Gesturing me to go through, he followed, checking his key before pulling it closed.
‘Enjoy your trip to the allotment?’ he said after a few moments.
I pulled a face at him. ‘You know I did. I told you that when I came back and showed you the rose. What’s going on?’
‘Yeah. Thing is, you didn’t tell me you’d had a nice little chat with my dad about stuff.’
I didn’t care for the thread of sarcasm running through his words, or the tone in which he spoke them.
‘What? I was supposed to stay mute the whole time? Is that what you would have preferred?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’
‘Well, then what? Clearly you have something to say, so it’s probably best if you just said it rather than chasing round the houses.’
‘Did you tell my dad that I feel guilty about contributing to my mum’s heart problems?’
I stared at him for a moment. The warmth of earlier had been replaced by a steel barrier protecting himself against the world. And me.
‘No,’ I answered simply, but I could see from the closed look on his face he didn’t believe me.
‘Really.’ He folded his arms across the broad chest. It wasn’t a question.
‘Yes. Really,’ I snapped back, annoyed now.
‘So, it’s just pure coincidence that in all these years my father has never questioned me about the fact I might be carrying guilt around until five minutes after he’s spent time with you?’
‘We did have a conversation about guilt, but it was his about certain things—’
‘What things?’
‘That’s not for me to say.’
‘Oh, right,’ he gave a humourless laugh. ‘So, you’ll keep confidences for someone you’ve just met, but not for someone you’re supposed to have spent the last few years building a trust with.’
‘That’s unfair!’
‘Is it?’
‘Yes!’ I yelled back. ‘I haven’t said anything I’m not supposed to.’
He remained silent.
‘Like I said, we were talking about guilt and I did say that it was a shame you were both carrying all this guilt around.’
He gave a shake of his head and I rushed on.
‘But that’s all I said. Your dad asked what I meant, but I didn’t tell him and he understood. I didn’t say anything more than that, and even that was kind of an accident. I just thought it was all quite sad and it sort of spilled out.’
‘Right. Then, if you have a habit of things just spilling out, it would seem I need to be careful about what I actually tell you in future.’
His words stung and when I looked up, the coldness in his face made my heart contract.
‘I’ve never betrayed your confidence to anyone, Seb, and I didn’t today. I’ve told you everything I said and I’m sorry if that was too much, but I’m not like you. I can’t keep everything inside and keep people at a distance, even when it’s eating away at you the whole time and just opening up might actually make you feel a whole lot better! But that’s your choice, and you’re entitled to it. You know what I’m like and you asked me here. So, don’t you dare stand there now and look at me like that when I’ve done nothing wrong.’
‘You told him I was carrying guilt around!’
‘Everyone carries guilt around, for god’s sake! Plus you served in a war zone. It’s not exactly unusual!’
‘Oh, so he’s just put two and two together and come up with four with regards to my mother all by himself then, has he?’
I stopped for a moment. Yes. He had. I knew I hadn’t said anything about Seb’s guilt being about his mother. Unfortunately, Seb took my hesitation as something other than what it was.
‘Right. That’s what I thought.’
He turned back to the door, putting the key into the lock. I shoved myself in front of him. Being petite came in handy at times, although I hadn’t really thought the manoeuvre through, and we were way closer than I’d planned.
‘I haven’t finished.’
‘I have.’
‘Too bad!’ I snapped. ‘If you’re going to accuse me of something, then you can bloody well listen to what I have to say. Don’t worry, I’ll get out of your way in just a moment.’
Even in his anger, I could see this mildly amused him. Admittedly, if he wanted, he could get me out of the way with one arm but I knew he wouldn’t. Besides, it was the principle of the matter.
‘Lottie. It’s probably best if we just draw a veil over this.’
‘No.’
‘Yes!’ he snapped back, exasperation now showing on his face as he shifted positions. The tension he was radiating probably wasn’t helping any of his body to be comfortable. It wasn’t doing a lot for mine and mine hadn’t been through half of what his had. ‘Look. I’ve never told anyone what I told you and the only reason I told you is because I felt I could trust you.’
‘You can!’
‘He knows!’ he said, flinging his hand out in the direction of the house. ‘He’s just asked me about it and the only way he can know that is if you told him.’
‘I didn’t! And it’s not. Yes, I said you have guilt, but that was it. What he took away from it was beyond my control.’
‘You shouldn’t have even said that!’
‘Maybe not, but it came out and I can’t take it back. The point is, whatever you think, your dad loves you very much and is super proud of you. The fact you two seem to butt heads all the time now obviously really upsets him. Maybe finally talking about things would be good for you both, not to mention the rest of your family.’
Seb tipped his head back for a moment and let out a sigh before looking back down at me. ‘Look, Lottie. I know you mean well—’
‘Well, that’s patronising,’ I interjected.
‘It wasn’t meant to be. It was just a statement of f
act. But the rest of the facts are that you’ve only spent a few hours with my father this afternoon, rather than the lifetime I have. In light of that, you’ll forgive me if I say that I think I know my own parent a little better than you do.’
Watching his face, I could see that belief was as immoveable as his body.
‘Would you mind letting me back in now so I can collect my things?’
He frowned at me. ‘I thought you were staying to tea.’
‘I was.’
‘So? Everyone’s enjoying your company.’
I gave him a look that was a mix of sadness and exasperation. ‘Like I said, Seb. I can’t pretend things are fine when they’re not. And right now they’re not. I’ve been enjoying everyone’s company too, but as mine seems unwanted by you at the moment, I think it’s best if I leave.’
‘That’s not what I want.’
‘Argh! Seb!’ I flung my hands out. ‘Honestly, I don’t think you know what you want! However it came about, you’ve just been given the chance to really talk things over with your dad, but by the way you came storming out, I’m guessing you rejected that particular path.’
‘I did. So, what else is it that you think I might want?’
A tumble of emotions churned through me as I looked up into that face. Gorgeous, stern, hurt, with just a hint of confusion.
I shook my head. ‘Honestly? I don’t know. All I know is that I have to leave now.’
He held my gaze for a beat, then reached around me and unlocked the door, pushing it open. I turned and almost stumbled in. Seb’s arm caught me before I hit the floor, and righting myself, I pushed him away and headed into the kitchen, doing my best to put on a neutral, if not happy, face.
Everyone was in there. Crap.
29
My Year of Saying No Page 24