I gave him a look.
‘I wouldn’t. And, to quote you, if you knew me at all, you would also know that.’
I did. Deep down, I knew that. Whatever I thought of Seb, I knew respect for others was something he held as a non-negotiable aspect of his personality.
I turned away.
‘Lottie.’
‘Why are you here, Seb?’ I asked, my voice quiet.
‘To see you.’
‘Why?’
‘I think you know why.’
I shook my head, furious with myself at the tears that burned in my eyes. ‘A few weeks ago I thought I did, but then everything changed. I don’t even blame you. But that doesn’t mean I can’t just shrug it off like you can.’
‘You think I can shrug you off?’
‘Yes. I do. You did a pretty good job of it on the night of the gala and every day since. So yes. I absolutely do.’
He stepped forward, closing the distance between us. ‘I could never shrug you off. I know you probably don’t believe me, but you’ve been on my mind this entire time.’
‘You’re right. I don’t believe you.’
‘What can I do to change that?’
My kitchen was tiny at the best of times, but with Seb’s bulk filling it, it suddenly became claustrophobic. I pushed past him and headed out into the living room. Humphrey was still snuggling against Seb’s legs. Traitor. I plopped down on the sofa and left them to it.
‘Men,’ I muttered.
Two minutes later, Seb appeared with a cup of tea, made just the way I like it, which he put down in front of me, and Humphrey, whom he placed next to me on the sofa. Humph immediately clambered over and found a comfy spot on my lap.
‘Oh, now you’re interested?’ I grumbled at him, stroking his fur. ‘Thank you for the tea.’
‘You’re welcome.’ Seb looked at the space next to me. ‘May I sit?’
I shrugged in a ‘whatever’ manner and he took it as a yes.
‘I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. Especially after I promised I’d never do that again, and I know that having screwed up once, I probably don’t even deserve another chance, but I’ve come here to ask if there was any way you could find it in your heart to forgive me.’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t think so, Seb. I’m sorry.’
He nodded. ‘I understand,’ he said, a crack in his voice. ‘And I won’t take up your time any longer than I have to. But, if you would give me a few minutes, I think you deserve an explanation. Once I’ve told you, I’ll leave you in peace, and will, as you suggest, advertise for a PA so that you don’t have to deal with me any more.’
I looked round at him. ‘Does it matter now?’ I asked, softly.
‘It does to me. And I think it does to you too.’
I shook my head. ‘I already know, Seb. I saw your face when you saw her. I don’t really think you were planning on using me. I don’t know why I said that. But I understand, and I know you’re hurting too. It’s bound to be a shock when the woman you love tells you she’s getting married. As far as you’re concerned, it’s you that should be marrying her. Finding out, especially like that, can’t have been easy, and I’m sorry for that. Whatever did or didn’t happen between us, I wouldn’t wish hurt on you. You’ve been through enough.’
‘I don’t need your pity, Lottie.’ His words were soft. There was no accusation, just a statement.
‘I’m not pitying you, Seb. I’ve never pitied you. I’ve admired you, liked you, loved you. But I’ve never pitied you.’
He reached out and took my hand. ‘I’m not in love with Maria, Lottie. Yes, seeing her took me by surprise, and when she said she was getting married, it threw me back into my memories. We were supposed to get married shortly after I finished my tour, after all. When I got injured, we postponed the wedding. And then we postponed it again. I think both of us knew it wasn’t going to work. I’d changed and Maria was struggling with coming to terms with the fact that the life she had planned out for us now was going to be a lot different. I tried to tell her that it didn’t have to alter and that I was determined it wouldn’t. I refused to acknowledge a lot to start with and my anger, stubbornness, pain and everything else that comes with it started taking its toll on our relationship.’
‘That’s understandable. It can’t have been easy on either of you.’
‘No. I don’t think I realised how hard it was on her until I started the charity. As you know, we do our best to support the family as well as the service personnel. Listening to some of the partners’ stories, I guess it gave me a new perspective on what it must have been like for Maria. I’d felt angry with her for a long time, but I was able to let that go and have more empathy for her situation. But I hadn’t seen her since the day she left until I saw her at the gala. I’m surprised she was there, but her fiancé is a great supporter and it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s been influenced by Maria. Seeing her set off a whole slew of emotions, you’re right. But you’re wrong if you think it’s because I’m still in love with her. I just got thrown back into some memories and I didn’t want to drag you into that.’
‘You should have given me the choice.’
He brushed his thumb across the back of my hand and I tried to ignore the feelings his touch ignited within me. ‘I should,’ he answered, simply. ‘But I was scared. I’d lost a woman I loved once already and I was scared that if I invited you in, I might lose you too.’ He shifted on the sofa, closing the gap. Humphrey shuffled around, stretching himself so that his bum was on my leg and his head on Seb’s thigh. ‘I can’t lose you, Lottie. I thought I’d felt pain before, but when I got your email, I knew I’d blown it. I thought I was trying to protect you, but I wasn’t. I was trying to protect myself.’
‘I think you think I’m more easily scared than I am.’
He gave a rueful smile. ‘Funny. I’ve been spending a fair bit of time with my dad the last few weeks, talking stuff over and he said exactly the same thing. It seems everyone is wiser on this than me. And maybe braver than me too.’
‘I don’t know about that.’
‘I do. If I’d have had the guts I thought I did, I’d have asked you out the moment you were free, like I wanted to, instead of just faffing around and giving myself excuses not to.’
I frowned at him. ‘I don’t understand.’
Seb carefully moved the dog out of the way before standing and gently pulling me up with him. His warm, strong hands, with their hint of roughness. cupped my face. ‘Lottie, I’ve been nuts about you since the moment I met you. Frankly, the fact you were already with someone was a huge pain in the arse. I knew I was in trouble with you, but as soon as we spoke, I didn’t want to let go. I thought if I could have a friendship with this amazing woman, it was the next best thing.’
I frowned again. ‘So, when I split with Tom? I mean, you never even hinted you might be interested.’
‘I was about to. I didn’t want to be a rebound, so I waited for a bit. But I waited too long, because the next thing I knew you were on this crazy path of saying yes to everything. Including dates you didn’t want to go on.’
‘And you think I’d have done that to you?’ I laid my hands over his, still cradling my face.
He gave a shrug, smiling. ‘I literally had no idea. I had no clue if you’d ever consider me. I was kind of the opposite to your ex by the sounds of things and maybe hipster arty sorts were more your type. That’s definitely not me.’
I laughed then. ‘No, I think we can agree that’s definitely not your niche.’
‘I just didn’t want you to be saying yes to me because of some pledge. I wanted you to say yes to me for one reason. Because you truly wanted to.’
‘I would have.’
He ran a hand back over my hair, following it down my back until it stopped at my waist and pulled me closer. ‘I was a fool not to ask you.’
‘So,’ I said, ‘once my year of saying yes was done, why not ask me then? Assuming you hadn’t given up on the ide
a by then.’
‘I never gave up. But just as I was about to ask, you told me you were planning to say no to stuff. Honestly, I could have cried. And I don’t really do that.’ He pulled a face. ‘I had no idea if you liked me and I thought if I asked you out, and you said no, then it was just going to make things so awkward and I’d lose a friend, and the best assistant in the world.’
‘I’m not sure which one worried you the most, going by that.’
He grinned and I felt the fireworks fizz and pop throughout my body.
‘So, what happened?’
He pulled me as close as he could. ‘In the end, I couldn’t wait. And I knew we had chemistry. I began to allow myself to believe that you might actually be interested in me. But then you said no and I was worried I’d wrecked everything, but I had to ask and at least I had my answer. I thought once I had that, I’d be able to put things behind me and move on. Just be the friend you wanted me to be. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t help it. I was already far too deep in love with you to put it behind me and when you said what you did at the gala…’ His Adam’s apple bobbed as he searched for words. ‘I couldn’t believe my luck. I couldn’t believe that you might actually feel the same… or at least something like it.’
‘Shall I tell you a secret?’
He gave a disturbingly sexy flick of his eyebrows.
‘I’ve had a crush on you since you first became my client.’
Seb looked genuinely shocked. ‘Seriously?’
I gave him a shrug. ‘You’re kind of hot.’
His laugh rumbled through me as he wrapped his arms around me and pressed me close into his body. ‘Does that mean I’m forgiven?
‘Like I said, you’re kind of hot. Luckily for you.’
‘OK,’ he said, looking down into my face. ‘So, what we’re saying here is that if we’d both just talked to each other a bit more, we might have saved ourselves a bit of heartache.’
‘Or possibly a lot?’
He pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. ‘So, how about this? We make a deal that, from now on we talk to each other. About everything.’
‘Everything.’
‘We have a deal then?’ he asked.
‘We do. Would you like to seal it with a handshake?’
A smile slid on to his face. ‘It’s a start, but I’m pretty sure we can think of some far more fun ways to seal this deal.’
I slid my arms around his neck, raising on to my tiptoes as his lips pressed down on to mine. I smiled into him as his arms scooped down and wrapped around my backside, lifting me up so that my legs were wrapped around his waist and my fingers felt the muscles in his neck as he kissed me. His lips moved as one hand brushed my hair back and he followed it down with his soft warm mouth.
‘How are you feeling about that year of saying no now?’ he asked, his voice low and thick.
‘Like I said before, there are always exceptions to the rule.’
Epilogue
A year later, I looked across the large, secluded garden of the home Seb and I had bought together in Tinkerton. It was a work in progress, but I loved every moment of making that progress.
We’d had some help, of course, from Mum and Dad who often had a spare plant or two to drop off for me and advice, if I wanted it. Seb’s dad was now also a regular visitor, always eager to hear about the latest plans we had for the garden. It was lovely to see him and Seb take a gentle walk around the garden, or just sit together under the sail shade, chatting over things, especially when I thought back to how difficult things had been between them a year ago.
The original bond they’d shared had now been repaired and was, if anything, far stronger. Thanks to his dad, Seb had managed to get a couple of allotment plots for the charity to use and the gardening therapy Seb had wanted to expand upon was now happening. Mr Marshall, along with several other of his allotmenteer pals were volunteering on the scheme, offering advice, assistance and sometimes just companionship as the previously bare plots began to grow and bloom under the care of the veterans.
I loved that this house and its large garden allowed us both to be closer to our families. Jamie, Olivia and the children were often here for Sunday roast but still nothing beat my mum’s, and as Seb’s dad was now such firm friends with my own parents, the circle of love had spread to include everyone and more often than not, both our families were all around the same dinner table at one house or another every Sunday. I couldn’t have been happier, especially as this now included Sally when she could make it.
Our hunch that Oliver might last longer than my sister’s usual relationships did had been correct, and she was currently sporting a rock on her left hand that would have paid for a professional make over of my entire garden. But the best thing was that Sally now seemed so much more comfortable with who she was. She would always strive to be the best she could be – that was just her way. But now she seemed happy with who she actually was. When her and Oliver had become engaged a few months ago, Sally had cut her hours and although she still travelled, she now also had time for a life with Oliver. The compromise seemed to be suiting both of them enormously – although none of us had ever worked out exactly what it was that Oliver did in the City.
Jess and Harry’s wedding was indeed the fiesta she had always wanted, and more. His family were, quite rightly, bonkers about her. As Harry’s mum had said, Jess had swept into their stuffy routines and brought with her an energy and joy that they hadn’t realised they’d needed – or even wanted – until she arrived and now they couldn’t imagine life without her. Jess was, of course, thrilled to be the centre of this adoration and I couldn’t have been happier for them both.
And then there was us. I shaded my eyes and looked across the garden, watching the most gorgeous, sexy and honourable man I’d ever met manhandle a large fern into the area I’d designated for it. Even my fiancé was coming around to the possibility that he might be more green fingered than he first thought, and I smiled as he stood back from the large plant we’d just brought back from the nursery.
‘Which way do you want it to face?’ he called.
‘Turn it to your left a bit.’
He followed the instruction.
‘Oops! I meant right.’
Seb grinned and moved it back.
‘There. That’s perfect.’
He left the plant and walked back over to where I was stood in the shade in one of several seating areas I’d created. Flopping down into one of the chairs, he pulled me onto his lap. Scooby and Humph followed and lay at his feet. ‘Jamie and Dad will be here in about an hour. I’ll get them to give me a hand getting that in.’
‘Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’ He tilted his head at me. ‘You sure you’re not taking on too much with all this? We can always find somewhere else.’
I leant forward and kissed him softly, before shaking my head. ‘No. I love this garden and it’s going to be the perfect setting for our reception. I know it’s not finished – but then gardens are never finished. They just evolve. I like that idea, and it seems a perfect metaphor for a wedding reception, and love, don’t you think?’
He brushed my hair back with one large hand and rested his thumb and forefinger at my chin. ‘What I think is that in two weeks I get to call you my wife and that makes me happier than I ever could have imagined. I also think I was a complete idiot to wait so long to ask you out, meaning I missed out on having all this much earlier.’
I rested my forehead against his. ‘Good things come to those who wait.’
‘And what about those who can’t wait?’ he said, with a wicked grin, his eyes darkening as he pulled me closer.
‘Well, sometimes good things come to them too…’
Acknowledgments
As always, thank you to James – your continual support and belief in me and my writing mean so much, ironically, more than I could ever put into words. Thank you for your enthusiasm and pride in me and my writing and for always being my c
heerleader.
A huge thank you to the amazing team at Boldwood Books, including Amanda, Nia and Megan. Special thanks go to Sarah Ritherdon, my editor, for helping me make Seb and Lottie’s story the best it could be. Thanks also to the copy editor, Jade Craddock, and proof reader, Rose Fox, who both did brilliant jobs tidying up the oopsies.
Thanks to Rachel Burton, Rachel Dove, and Victoria Cooke for the sanity saving chats. You’re all brilliant!
Thank you also to the lovely Lucy Knott whose support and love for my books, along with her wholehearted kindness is a much treasured gift.
A big thanks to Darren Underwood for the jelly baby info, and also for sending me my own stock of emergency jelly babies during edits.
I’d also like to send a big thank you to the bloggers who help spread the word about my books. Your time, reviews and support are always so appreciated.
And last, but not least, thank you to everyone who has ever read and loved one of my books. As a committed bookworm myself, I know there is so much choice out there so when I hear that a book has brightened your day, or kept you up reading at night, I feel absolutely thrilled and honoured that you chose one of mine with which to spend that time. Hearing that you enjoyed it, and connected with the characters, truly fills my heart. Thank you.
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Chapter 1
‘That’s it! I am totally going to jail. I’m going to get it wrong, owe thousands, not be able to pay, and go to jail!’ I flung myself backwards with an overly dramatic sigh and lay sprawled on the paperwork I had been looking at. ‘And seriously? Me in an orange jumpsuit? I don’t care how on trend they are; I could never pull that off! Orange is so not my colour.’
My Year of Saying No Page 31