by Lauren Asher
“Okay then. If you need to talk later, you know where I live.” I point a thumb over my shoulder toward my bedroom.
He offers me a tight smile before closing his door. I turn on my heel. The image of Jax, upset and sad, pulls at my heartstrings from all different directions.
I step into my room to find Elías lying on top of my bed.
He offers me a weak smile. “I’m guessing that didn’t go as planned based on your frown.”
“I don’t understand him.”
“Did he have a reason for his mood this time?”
“Something about me disrupting a call with his dad.”
Elías gazes at the ceiling and lets out a grunt. “I don’t know why something feels off.”
“Probably because he is off.”
“Well, sucks for him. His friends are going to have fun with us while he pouts in his bedroom.”
An hour later, our living room is filled with laughter. Liam, Noah, Maya, Sophie, Elías, Santi, and I sit around a coffee table centered in the living room.
Everyone seems like they are having a good time, even without Jax. Besides Liam asking about him thirty minutes ago, no one mentions his absence. Maya and Sophie spent the better part of the hour including Elías and me in every conversation, never making us feel like outsiders.
“‘This is the prime of my life. I’m hot, young, and full of poor life choices,’ Damn, who knew I was such a catch.” Santiago reads off his winning card set.
“When you describe yourself as a catch, that’s usually a bad sign.” Noah takes a swig of his beer.
“I think he’s been learning a thing or two about cockiness from Noah. Save him from a life of eternal damnation, Maya. Don’t let him fall into the same trap as your boyfriend.” Liam dumps the unchosen cards in the box.
“I’ve tried. My mother has tried. Even our local priest gave him a speech about being humble.” Maya jokingly grimaces at me.
Noah tugs Maya into his side. “I even talked to him. No one likes a cocky asshole unless you’re Maya. She loves me despite all my assholery.”
Santi presses a palm against his chest and flutters his lashes exaggeratedly. “There’s hope for us all.”
The door to Jax’s bedroom opens. He makes his way toward the couch, nearly tripping over his feet. “So, everyone’s out here having a good time.” Jax slurs his words. He drops onto the couch and shuts his eyes.
Liam narrows his eyes at his friend. “Why don’t we get you to bed? You don’t look too good.”
“I’m tired of being in my room. You all get to be out here, having fun and laughing. I hate hearing it.”
Liam rises from the floor. “You were invited, but you decided to act like an asshole instead. Don’t be mad at us.”
“I’m always mad lately.” Jax sighs. His dilated eyes find mine across the small space, and my breath hitches. I thought he was improving and laying off the Xanax.
“And whose fault is that? You can talk to us if you want.” Noah’s eyes reflect the concern I feel.
“There’s no point. You will all move on, and I’ll be alone.”
“You’ll never be by yourself because you’re stuck with us.” Sophie shoots Jax a genuine smile.
“And what about them?” Jax points a shaky finger at Elías and me. “You’re going to ditch me to hang with this new couple?”
“It’s not like that and you know it.” I somehow find my voice despite my throat clogging up.
Jax’s eyes slide from Elías to me. “If Elías fucks her, I’m going to get angry.”
Elías sighs. “Focus on yourself. Seriously, you have nothing to worry about.”
“I’m not worrying. She might be with you, but based on the way she looks at me, she’d rather be with me. You must be a sucky lay if your girlfriend is lusting after another bloke.” Jax attempts to swat Liam’s helping hands away, but Liam doesn’t let up.
“That’s it. You’re done for the night.” Liam grabs onto Jax and helps him back into his room. Everyone remains wide-eyed and silent as Liam shuts the door to the bedroom after pushing Jax inside.
The joking mood from earlier is gone, replaced with worry and unease. No one protests when we end up calling it a night. Everyone leaves, including Sophie and Maya, claiming they need some girl time.
Minutes pass without any sign of Liam. Growing anxious, I pace the small living room. Why is Liam taking this long? My head snaps toward Jax’s door once it opens.
Liam puts a finger toward his lips. He tilts his head toward the main hotel door, and I follow him.
“I don’t know what’s happening to him this season. He won’t open up, and fuck, I’ve tried my hardest.”
“Of all people I would’ve expected to know about what’s going on with him, it would’ve been you.”
“We’re best friends, but I can’t even get him to admit what’s been eating away at him for the past few months. I feel like I’m failing him in some way. He always had these random bouts of sadness and anxiety, but it’s increased ever since winter break last year. Keep an eye on him and these.” Liam passes me an orange bottle of pills. “I don’t think he’s abusing them or anything because they wouldn’t let him drive if that were the case. But I’m worried he might start, especially after tonight. Xanax is clearly not helping him cope with whatever the hell is bothering him. He should consider better options.”
“Options?”
“Xanax is known to be highly addictive, to the point that the UK avoids prescribing it. I’m going to have a talk with him and offer to help find a better alternative. Pills aren’t bad, but those aren’t the best for an athlete like him.”
Shit. I stare at the bottle, wishing I could help more than just with Jax’s image. Maybe the therapy sessions aren’t enough for whatever is happening inside of his head. Our help can only go so far if he continues down this road of numbing his pain.
“I better get going. Maybe you can get through to him. He acts differently around you, both in a good and bad way.” Liam leaves with a goodbye.
My heart settles down after a few minutes of eyeing Jax’s pill bottle. An idea hits me, and I scramble to my room for some paper and a pen.
I sneak into Jax’s room an hour later to place the pill bottle on his nightstand. Hopefully, my idea has some impact, however small.
I take a moment to peek at him. He looks peaceful as he sleeps, clutching onto a pillow. Something stirs within me. I want to help Jax get out of his dark place. Not for a contract and definitely not for money. He acts lost and defeated, hiding behind pills and secrets.
Instead of following my intuition warning me to give up and run away, I give in to the devil on my shoulder telling me to help him at any expense.
But that’s the thing about costs. None of us knows the price we’re willing to pay to be someone’s redemption.
17
Jax
When I first started karting, I loved the pre-race jitters. I lived for the adrenaline high before a race, the buzz of the crowd fueling me. The chemical rush coursing through my body fed my addiction to adrenaline.
Now, I look at my shaky hands with fear and hesitation. Not wanting to freak out during a random interview, I grab my bottle of pills from my race day bag. After last night’s episode in front of my friends, I need to be more careful with the amount I take at one time. But after yesterday’s call with my dad, I felt the urge to make everything in my head turn off for the night.
Good fucking work that did. Guilt already consumed me this morning after reading Liam’s text offering to listen if I needed someone to talk to. As appreciative as I am for Liam, I talk enough to Tom as it is.
I unscrew the cap and pour the pills out in my hand. My body stiffens at the sight of multiple folded pieces of purple paper mixed with the pills.
I pour the rest of the bottle’s contents on the coffee table of my suite. After staring at the square papers for a few moments, I pluck one from the group, curious about what it says. Delicate cursiv
e writing I recognize as Elena’s covers the paper.
Save a Xanax, buy a puppy. It’ll make you happier in the long run.
I don’t know why the ridiculous statement draws a laugh from me. Interested in seeing what else Elena wrote, I grab another.
If I swap your Xans for Tic-Tacs, would you notice?
I grab the rest, barely hiding my shit-eating grin as I unfold each one.
Hugs, not drugs. Seriously, this is your free hugs voucher.
If you skip the pills, I’ll offer you one activity of your choice.
One ‘get out of a gala free’ coupon if you skip the pill.
Pills are so 80s. You are way too cool to be doing something so out of style.
Free movie night on me, dinner included, if you throw the pill away.
One free lesson of Spanish dirty talk if you don’t take the pill.
I never expected something simple like this to put me at ease. Elena, not even present in the room, fills my chest with something warm.
Elena didn’t have to do this. She could’ve let me take my pills, as long as I’m on my best behavior. I thought that was all she cared about, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe her wanting to help me is more than a quick way to make money.
I place the pills and pieces of paper back in the bottle. Some switch inside of me flips as I save the one I want to use once the race is over.
I want to change. Not because McCoy wants me to or because everyone keeps judging me. I want to change because someone who has every reason to walk away refuses to leave my side.
And this is how I come to the realization that I need to save myself.
“This is what you want to use your activity on? Really?” Elena eyes the purple piece of paper she wrote. I start the engine of my McCoy Z-Wagon SUV and pull out of the hotel’s parking lot.
“Yup. Type in your address.” I hand her my phone.
Turns out saving myself includes facing some of my fears about Elena. The first step in my plan is to spend more time with her while actively trying harder to not be a dick. She deserves better from me after everything she helps me with.
“I won’t lie, I thought you’d choose a more fun thing to do on your day off before practice rounds tomorrow.”
“And miss out on seeing your exclusive snow globes? Never.” I keep my eyes forward, ignoring the pull I have to look at Elena.
Okay, I want to see snow globes and get Elena away from the F1 scene for an hour or two. I never pretended I wasn’t a selfish shit.
“I’m totally going to regret showing you these. I know it.” She hands me back my phone with her address typed in the GPS application.
I drive us to her small flat located on the outskirts of Monaco. The older apartment building looks much different than my lavish penthouse located by the coast.
“This is your flat?” I stare at the run-down building looking about one wind gust away from toppling over.
“Yes. I know it may not be what you’re used to, but not all of us can afford a high-rise apartment with personal valet service.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insult you.” Fuck, I didn’t realize how vastly different our lives were until now. She makes little comments here and there, but it didn’t fully hit me until this moment.
She grabs her keys from her purse. “It’s fine. I think it’s homey.”
It’s shit, that’s what it is.
Elena and I walk up the stairs to the entrance of her building. I follow her as she makes a sharp turn down a small hallway with too many miscellaneous stains for comfort. “You live on the first floor? Isn’t that kind of dangerous?”
“Dangerous?” She looks back at me with her brows raised.
“Yes. You know, not safe from burglars and stuff.” I struggle to deny the concern laced in my voice.
Elena’s back straightens as she fiddles with her keys. “Please, I grew up in Mexico. A staircase isn’t going to protect me from the bad people out there.” She opens the door to her flat.
I check out the rusty deadbolt lock before following her inside. “But you live alone. That’s different.”
What is wrong with me, getting all concerned and shit?
Elena seems to share the same thought, with her eyebrows pinching together as she looks at me with wide eyes. “I’ve lived on my own here for two years. I think I can handle it.”
“Do you go back home often? To Mexico, that is?”
She clears her throat. “That’s not home anymore.”
Okay, way to fuck this up, Jax. “So, show me the goods.”
Smooth. Ten out of ten transition.
I’m screwed. This plan is taking a turn for the worst.
Elena gives me the quickest tour known to man, seeing as her flat is the size of my walk-in closet back in London. She leads me toward the shelf near the window housing her snow globes.
“Whoa.” I stand eye to eye with a snow globe of two sugar skulls. It’s not exactly what I’d expect from someone like her.
“Sugar skulls represent departed souls.” She grabs the snow globe.
“If they’re departed, why is it colorful?”
“Because in my culture, death shouldn’t be gloomy and gray. It’s supposed to be a time of celebration. I think it’s easier said than done, though, because it’s hard as hell to celebrate something that causes pain.” Elena shakes the snow globe. Colorful glitter falls down over the set of skulls. Her eyes become cloudy as she places it back on the shelf.
“Does that one play music?”
“No.” She moves onto another. “This one I bought after Elías got me a job with F1. It was one of the best days ever. I was so excited, I ended up buying the first snow globe I saw, which wasn’t for Elías’s team.” Her smile reaches her eyes.
“I’ll look past the fact that you bought a Bandini snow globe because it’s pretty cool.” I check out the red Bandini car centered in the middle of a fake F1 track, surrounded by fallen glitter.
Elena laughs as she picks it up and shakes it. “Well, I think you’ll appreciate this part.” Her small fingers twist the metal knob on the bottom of the globe, and the F1 theme song plays. It’s a light melody compared to the usual dramatic one sports channels play on the telly.
Elena held true to her fact, with each snow globe serving a unique purpose. There are a variety of snow globes, ranging from different sizes to themes. She even has one she bought after she graduated from university, with a fake diploma and a small photo of Elena inside of it. Her beaming smile shows her pride.
“I never graduated from uni. Hell, I never even went.” I brush my thumb across the glass sphere.
“There’s nothing wrong with that. You were driving in what, like Formula 3?”
“F2, but who’s checking.” I flash her a cocky grin.
“That’s why I believe you can win another Championship again. You have a natural talent for racing; you only need to get out of your mental fog to do it.”
“Your optimism is cute.”
“Today, you did it. You didn’t take your pill. Instead, you’re out here with me.” Elena places the snow globe back on the shelf.
She shows me a couple of others. Her passion and happiness about her greatest moments spreads to me. Hanging around her fills me with a warmth equivalent of laying out in the sun.
Gratitude about her vulnerability makes me stupid. “Thanks for sharing this part of you.”
Her eyes wander, not landing anywhere in particular. “I thought you’d choose to go somewhere for your activity. Like I don’t know, do something guyish. I’m surprised you asked to see this collection. It’s tiny.”
“I couldn’t resist the temptation to learn more about your secret.”
“Why?”
My hands tremble at the urge to be honest with her. “Because even though I tell myself daily you don’t need someone as fucked up as me around you, I can’t resist wanting more from you than I should.” Something pushes me to cup her cheek. The same something in me that wan
ts to pull her close and press my lips against hers.
She looks at me with her eyes wide and captivating. “What are you doing?”
“I don’t know.” I lean in closer, taking in a deep breath of her shampoo. I’m addicted to the way her eyes darken as they scan my face before lingering on my lips.
She shuts her eyes as my thumb grazes her cheek. “What happened to no touching? It’s a rule.”
Touching her sparks a gush of possessiveness inside of me.
“Be a rule-breaker with me.” I close the gap between us as one hand goes around her neck, pulling her in. She gasps as our lips touch.
I keep it soft and innocent, unsure how she’ll react. Instead of pushing me away, her fingers grip the fabric of my shirt, tugging me closer.
Our kiss is nothing I’m used to—all sweet and soft. I want to apologize for forgetting our first kiss because I was a drunk arsehole. To apologize for putting her through shit in an effort to keep her far away. It’s a shock to my system when her tongue traces the seam of my mouth before she bites down on my bottom lip. My body reacts like never before, a tingle creeping up my spine.
A growling noise makes its way up my throat. I break away. “So that’s how it’s going to be? I’m trying to be nice here.”
Her eyes have a rare lightness toward me I’ve never seen before. “Who would’ve thought the guy famous for so many naughty things would try to be nice?”
“You’re fucking around with someone who won’t take your taunts lightly.”
“If it’s as light as your kisses, I think I’ll survive.” She presses a palm to her chest and smiles at me.