by Lauren Asher
Sophie hangs up after she assures me she won’t tell Liam about my secret.
Minutes go by without a response. I attempt to busy myself with working out and watching pre-race footage, my uncertainty and concern growing as more time passes.
My phone beeps and I rush to pick it up, knocking over my laptop in the process. “Shit.”
The one person I didn’t expect a message from lights up my phone.
Elías: If you value your fingers, don’t text Elena again. Chinga tu madre, pendejo.
Realization I didn’t want to accept hits me, shredding any last hope that Elena will ever forgive me.
“Hey, arsehole. Good luck with your qually today. I’m still mad at you, but I hope you place P1.” Caleb rolls his eyes at the FaceTime camera.
The pit crew ignores me as I lean against my race car, tapping my trainer. “Thanks for the sweet words. Love you too, mate.”
“If your love is anything close to what you had for Elena, I’ll have to pass.” Caleb turns his words into bullets, piercing my carefully erected armor.
“What do you know about love?”
“Enough to know you fucked up.”
“Are you going to tell me the same thing before every qualifier?”
“If that’s what it takes for you to pull your head out of your arse, then I’m all for it.”
My eyes dart from the screen to Elías, who scowls at me from the other side of the garage. “Good thing I only have a couple qualifiers left then. I can’t imagine my life without your cheerful attitude.”
“That’s what you get for breaking Elena’s heart. What did I tell you?”
“I didn’t answer your call so you could lecture me,” I snap, exhaustion sucking up my patience. Guilt already makes it difficult for me to function every day, so the last thing I need is a sixteen-year-old kid schooling me on what little he knows about love.
“No, you answered to ease your guilt. I’m not like the paid help you have around you. I’m going to call you out on your bullshit.”
“By all means, call me out.”
“You need to go chase after your girl. It’s been three weeks already. What are you waiting for?”
A miracle sounds a bit religious for my taste, so I keep it fake. “Sometimes people don’t work out.”
“Well those people are idiots like you who destroyed their relationship with a mistake.”
“I’ve done what I can to correct my mistakes and make sure she is taken care of.”
“Wait, what?” Caleb eyes me suspiciously.
Shit.
“I’ve made sure to amend my mistakes with McCoy.”
“How did you make sure she is taken care of?”
“What are you talking about?” Smooth, Jax.
“Okay, mate, chemo might suck, but it doesn’t kill off my brain cells. You said you did what you could to make sure she is taken care of.”
A crew member waves at me. “I’ve got to go. They’re calling me to get ready.”
“Don’t make me go all 007 on you and dig into what you’re hiding.”
My laugh comes off forced. “Okay, James Bond. I don’t know what medicine they give you, but your delusions are trippy as fuck.”
Caleb narrows his eyes at me. “Good luck today, bye.” He hangs up without letting me say goodbye back.
Shit. For his sake and mine, I hope he doesn’t go digging around.
I can’t have news get back to Elena that I’ve been behind her recent opportunities.
Elías scares the shit out of me as I exit the pit lane.
“Fuck. Do you have a thing for lurking in corners?”
His scowl twitches. “You caught me. I’ve been waiting for the right moment to jump you.”
“If you’re trying to bitch me out about Elena some more, save it. I’ve had a shit day.” My qually went to hell after my conversation with Caleb. I somehow managed my panicking before it became anything dangerous, but it impaired my performance.
“I wanted to thank you, actually.”
I pause. “What do you mean?”
Elías leans against the wall. “Elena told me how Connor offered her a ridiculous sum of money for all the damage you caused.”
I shrug. “That’s great. At least she got rewarded for my arseholeness.” My body goes on high alert as Elías assesses me.
“Yeah, thank God Connor is nicer than you, right?”
“Right,” I offer in the driest voice.
“Imagine my shock when Elena then called me the next week saying how James Mitchell from Bandini offered her a PR job.”
I raise my eyebrows in surprise. “You don’t say? Maybe my bad press made the enemy interested in her.”
Elías shakes his head. “You’re telling me. How crazy is it for these two coincidences to happen within the same month for someone like Elena?”
“About as crazy as you thinking I care about us having a conversation about my ex-girlfriend.” My words have a bite to them. I don’t want to talk about Elena, especially to someone like Elías. I think about her enough on my own without her personal bodyguard and best friend snooping around.
Elías’s smirk turns into a full-blown grin. “And then I got a call from Caleb who wanted to quote ‘check in on Elena and give me updates’ unquote. But before he hung up, he mentioned how you’ve been mending your mistakes with Elena. What do you make of that?”
Dammit Caleb, I trusted you. “That you are shit at connecting the dots.”
“I think you’re hiding something. There’s no way Connor happened to offer Elena a hundred-thousand euros to stay quiet about working with you. Even he’s not that generous.”
Well, fuck, Connor must have felt terrible for Elena. “That’s a shit ton of money. I didn’t know I was worth that kind of hazard pay.”
Elías’s eyes narrow. “Weird. I didn’t mention anything about hazard pay, yet Elena used the same statement.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Abort the mission.
“We did date after all. We’re bound to have the same humor.”
“Right. Either way, I might hate you for breaking her heart, but I can’t hate you for setting her up to make sure she would be taken care of. I admire that, even if you won’t admit it.” He stands to his full height, making us eye level.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Your secret is safe with me. I wanted to thank you.” Elías holds his hand out to me.
I grab onto it and shake. “You never planned on telling her, did you?”
He smirks. “No. I wanted to confirm it for myself. I think you’ve caused her enough pain as it is, so I want to let her keep her dignity about her job.”
“You’re an all right guy, Elías. I respect that.”
“It’s about time you noticed it after working with me for a whole season.”
I let out my first genuine laugh for the day. At least I can survive another day knowing my sacrifice means something to Elena, even if she doesn’t know.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you.” Dad’s voice rumbles through the speakerphone.
I take a seat on the couch of my hotel suite, preparing for a long-overdue conversation. Ever since my diagnosis, I’ve kept my conversations with my parents neutral, not wanting to upset them more. Mum can’t look at me for extended periods of time without getting teary-eyed. Dad, on the other hand, has kept relaxed and never probes.
I should have guessed he was biding his time. “I guess the time has come for you to give it to me.”
“I’d ask you how you are, but I’m guessing based on the press videos, you’re barely hanging in there.”
I clutch onto my phone and press the speakerphone button, wanting to give my hands something to do. “I’m excited for the season to be over.”
“I can imagine. You’ve been through a lot in the last year.”
“Understatement of the century.”
“How has everything been since you pushed Elena away?”
“Shitty doesn’t begin to cover how I feel about it all.”
He sighs. “Well, you know that I’m not one to dance around an issue.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Hit me with it.”
“I’ve been patient, trying to wait this out and see how you handle the situation with Elena. But it’s gone on too long and I’m afraid what will happen if you continue down this path.”
“I’ve been keeping straight. No partying or drugs to feel better, no matter how much I wish it could dull the pain.”
“That’s not my concern, although I’m happy you’ve been staying clean and focused. I’m talking about a different kind of path.”
“Elena and I are on two separate ones.”
“It’s not too late to amend that. I want to talk to you and plead her case.”
I grunt. “That’s not how this works.”
“It does when you’re not giving her a fair chance at trying things with you, diagnosis and all.”
“You and she aren’t the same. She has a choice to walk away, you didn’t.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. We all have choices. I chose to stay with your mum even though I knew she would get sick and need help because I love both of you more than anything else in the world. No disease could keep me away.”
My lungs burn from the deep inhale of breath I take. “You were married. You had vows not to abandon her. I only sped up the inevitable with Elena.”
“Which is what?”
“That I’m going to get sick one day and I don’t want to bring her down with me.”
“Your mother doesn’t bring me down. That’s my point, and why I wanted to talk to you. She’s the best part of my days and I couldn’t imagine it any other way. Even when she is at her worst, I feel grateful she’s there to begin with. That’s why I stuck by her when she was diagnosed. It wasn’t about a vow. It’s about a feeling I have toward her that nothing can compare to.”
“And that’s why you’ll be devastated when she dies,” I rasp. “You’re bound to die along with her in every way that counts.”
I love my dad. The last thing I want to see is the light fade from his eyes little by little as Mum gets worse.
“I’m not going to die.” He lets out a long sigh. “I’ll be the same man who promised her I’d fight for her and you. No matter what happens to your mum, I’ll always have you. And you are the greatest gift she could have given me. Which is why I’m here to tell you to get your head out of your arse and chase Elena because we Kingstons don’t give up on the people we care about.”
My chest tightens. “I love you, Dad. I respect you for everything you’ve given me, including help when I needed it the most.”
“But…”
I let out a resigned sigh. “But I can’t follow your advice this time.”
His sigh sounds similar to mine. “At least give it a thought and consider what I said. And think about what life would be like if you allowed yourself to enjoy all the good moments with Elena before life gets hard. That’s a lot of good memories to counteract the tough ones.”
“For you, I’ll think about it.”
His deep chuckle echoes through the phone. “Don’t lie to me. Actually do it.”
“All I’ve done is think about my decisions.”
“Yet you’re still miserable. Sounds like a bad decision to me.”
“Dad?”
“Mm.”
“How do you feel when Mum has a bad day?”
“Like I want to rip apart the world and find a solution for her. I want to scream about how life isn’t fair and what was the point of making all this money if I can’t buy the one thing I want.”
“My point exactly.”
“That might be yours. But my point? The bad days will never outweigh the good ones. Nothing can replace all the memories I have and all the ones I’ll continue to make with Mum. So, no, son, your point is null and void. I could scream life isn’t fair. But life gave me her, so it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. You need to ask yourself, will you let Elena do the same?”
49
Elena
I wake up and get dressed so I can visit Abuela. The new facility I put her in when I started working with Jax is only a few minutes’ walk away. Everything about the place is convenient, and I’ll miss it when my funds run out and I have to move her. Consistency is essential for people like Abuela, and it kills me to disrupt her life yet again.
I walk into the building and greet the staff. One of the managers calls my name, asking me to come to his office.
A bunch of scenarios run through my head as to what he wants from me. Year after year I received disappointing news about Abuela, and I’m afraid this is no different. He points me in the direction of an empty chair as he takes a seat across from me.
“So, Ms. Gonzalez, I’m sorry to call you in before you could see your grandmother, but I didn’t want to miss you.”
“Is she okay?”
“Oh, yes. I didn’t mean to cause you any alarm. She is doing fine and is rather happy here. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
I relax in my seat as my heart rate slows down. “Oh, good. I was worried something happened.”
“If anything were to happen, we would give you a call and have you come down here right away.”
Right. Way to jump to conclusions. I nod.
“I know we discussed the breakdown of fees before you had to travel. I wanted to let you know that the remainder of your grandmother’s stay has been covered.”
My jaw drops open. “The remainder? But I don’t know how long that is.”
I do the math in my head, wondering who would donate that much money. The only person I deem sneaky enough to do this plan is one of London’s richest non-royal citizens.
The very one who broke my heart only a few weeks ago.
I run a shaky hand over my mouth, processing the breakdown of fees the manager shows me. When I ask who donated the funds, he replies that he can’t say.
Why would Jax do this? Why would he want to help me after he said he wants nothing to do with me? This type of donation is not what someone does when they don’t want to see someone again.
The only type of question that keeps popping up in my head is why.
Why this?
Why does he still care?
Why did he let me go?
Why didn’t he love me enough to share his burden with me?
I say goodbye to the manager and walk up the steps to visit my grandma. Her frail body sinks into the bed. It pains me to see her shallow cheeks and sunken eyes as she looks over at me with glossy pupils.
I take my usual seat next to her and tug her hand into mine. “Hola, como te andas?”
“Marisol, no me gusta la ultima doctora. She poked me with a needle. I want to go home.”
I shake my head and sigh, wishing Abuela would remember me once. Tears fill my eyes as I take on the role of my mother. Every painstaking minute drains my energy, but I hold true to my promise to visit her.
Even when she doesn’t remember me.
Even when she gets angry because of her situation and yells that I’m leaving her to rot in some nursing home.
Even when my heart breaks day after day when I visit, hoping she might remember me, even for a second.
I do my family duty, carrying the burden. My parents would have done the same and tenfold. Shelving my sadness, I enjoy the time I have with Abuela until the nurses tell me visiting hours are over.
I rise from my chair and stretch my aching legs.
“Marisol, are you coming tomorrow?”
“Si, como no.” I lean over and kiss the top of her head before exiting her room.
My heart stops. My feet stop. Everything around me stops.
Vera leans against the wall, tapping her cane to the beat of the clock above her. She offers me a tight smile. “Elena.” The skin around her eyes wrinkles, reflecting the sadness etched in her gaze.
“Vera?”
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I look over her glossy blonde hair and porcelain skin. “You’re pale and all, but no. I’m shocked you’re here. How did you even know I was here?”
“I have my sources.”
“Are you the one who paid for my grandma to stay here indefinitely?”
Vera smiles. “I prefer my donations to remain anonymous. Showing off is so passe.”
“Are you behind my new job and bonus check, too?”
She shakes her head in disagreement. “I can only assume that was because of another Kingston. I may be fabulous, but even my power has its limits.”
An unrestrained laugh escapes me.
“Come, let’s take a walk.” She offers me her elbow.
I interlock my arm with hers as I fist my sweaty palm. “As nice as this surprise is, what are you doing here?”
“I’m doing my motherly duty.”
“For Jax?” My words reflect the confusion no doubt etched in my face.
“For you.” She remains silent after that.
I process her words as we exit Abuela’s facility. The late October sun shines down on us as we stroll toward the coast. Vera picks a spot near the jagged shore, giving us a good view of the Mediterranean Sea.
We both sit together on a bench, similar to our chat in London all those months ago.
“I’m here both for my own selfish reasons and because I think you could use some motherly advice. Your mum was taken from you at such a young age. I can’t imagine the kind of pain you’ve dealt with, and the struggles you have now with your grandma. To be young yet carry such a big responsibility on your shoulders must be exhausting.”
I nod. “The selfish part of me is so tired of it.”