by Kim Pritekel
"How often do you get to see her?" Haley asked, watching as Kendall ran out to meet the puppy.
"Pretty much as often as I like. I try to get her at least every other weekend."
"You’re so good with her, and I imagine for her."
"I hope so." Taking a deep breath, I clapped my hands together. "Come on, you two. Let’s go home and get some pizza." Kendall’s head immediately shot up from her playing. The "p" word was like magic.
"Pizza? Really?" She jumped up from her knees, and ran over to us, grabbing my hand, staring up into my face. "We get to have pizza?"
"Yup. Go get Bunsen and his toys, and we’ll go."
"Woohoo! Bunsen, we get pizza!"
* * *
"Anyone want another slice?" Haley asked from the kitchen. Kendall and I still sat at the kitchen table, almost trying to race in how many pieces we could eat. Of course a ten-year-old girl had no chance against the notorious stomach of Andi Littman.
"Yes," we said, almost in unison, then we both giggled.
"Jinx!" Kendall yelled, pointing at me. I stuck my tongue out at her, which got her giggling again. "I really like you, Andi. You’re so much fun." I looked at her, my heart melting. I smiled.
"Well, I like you, too, Kendall." She smiled, and dug in to the fresh piece that Haley had just put on her plate.
"Thank you ladies for letting me be involved with your day, yet again." I turned to Haley, and smiled.
"You’re welcome here anytime, Haley. Right, Kendall?" She could only nod, her mouth full of pepperoni. "I want to know when I get to see these bunnies of yours."
"Me, too." Kendall said around her mouthful.
"Well, maybe you two can come over to my house next weekend." She took a drink from her soda.
"Yay! Oh, wait. I have to go see my grandparents next weekend." Kendall looked down, obviously bummed.
"Well, then we’ll do it another time. Okay?" Haley said, smiling at the girl. Kendall looked at her, nodding.
"Okay. What are your bunny’s names?" She took a big bite from her piece of pizza.
"Peggy and Oreo."
"Peggy?" I asked. She grinned at me.
"I’ll explain it when you see them."
"Andi? When I finish this, may I be excused to watch TV?" I nodded.
"Sure, hon." She smiled, and continued to eat.
* * *
I leaned against the wall, arms crossed over my chest as I listened. Haley sat at the piano, her eyes closes as she let the music pour from her. I had been amazed when she’d told me that she had bought a used upright when she’d moved back to Minnesota. She said that she couldn’t live without a piano. For some reason hers was back in California.
The song came to an end. And she looked up at me. I met her gaze with a smile.
"That was beautiful. You’re such a wonderful pianist, Haley."
"Thank you. When I was in college I found that it was a wonderful stress reliever, as well as the Tae Kwon Do. I’m surprised you haven’t gotten Kendall into it."
I looked down, playing with my fingers. "She can’t. Kendall was born with heart problems, and can’t take that kind of activity."
"Oh. That’s too bad." I smiled, wanting to change the subject.
"So, teacher, want to give me some more lessons?" I nodded toward the piano. Haley’s face brightened immediately.
"Really?" I nodded. "Oh, absolutely. I’m so excited that you asked."
"Andi!" I turned to see a bouncing ten year old heading toward us.
"Yes, Kendall?" I grinned, always completely charmed by her enthusiasm for life.
"You should see this show on TV. It’s really hot shit." I stood there, mouth open in shock.
"What did you just say?" Kendall looked away, realizing what she’d just said. "Kendall, you don’t use language like that." I was stunned. The girl looked back up at me, her young face contorted in anger and embarrassment. She looked at Haley, seeing if she was noticing.
"You always tell me what to do." Kendall looked at me, small fists on her hips. "You’re not my mother!" she shouted, and ran toward her bedroom.
I stood there, feeling as though I’d been slapped in the face, or punched in the heart. As if in a daze, I walked toward the living room, my legs feeling like they belonged to someone else, and I wasn’t sure how to use them. Sinking down into the couch, I covered my face with my hands, feeling the lump that was suddenly super-sized, try to make its way to my eyes.
"Andi?" I heard Haley’s soft voice near my ear, and knew she was kneeling down next to me. "Are you okay?" I could hear the confusion in her voice. I took a deep breath, knowing my face was red from the upset that was waiting to burst from me. I looked into concerned blue eyes. "I know kids say some stupid things sometimes, but,"
"I am her mother, Haley."
She only stared.
Part 13
I could feel Haley’s eyes on me, and for a moment I couldn’t believe I’d said it. No one knew. Not even Erin. Well, it was out now, so might as well go with it.
Slowly I looked up, running a hand through my hair. I felt like an idiot, not a huge fan of showing my emotions so bluntly as I was now; my cheeks felt tight even as tears continued to run down and drip off my chin.
"What?" Haley finally said, her hand frozen on my arm. I nodded.
"She’s my daughter, I’m her mother, well, biological mother, anyway."
Haley sat back on her heels, staring at the floor as she tried to digest what I was telling her. Finally she took a deep breath, and seemed to get herself under control, ready to start asking questions.
"How did it happen?" Her voice was quiet, low, reminding me of the church voice your mother tells you to use. I took in a deep breath, feeling my lungs fill with air, and my body fill with courage. I let out the breath, and ran a hand through my hair again. A nervous gesture on my part.
"When I started at Dartmouth, during the first week I met a guy named Scott Pachowski. Nicest guy in the world. Well, we hit it off immediately. Good friends, and study buddies." I smiled at the memory. "We used to make ice cream runs at two in the morning when we’d study." I smiled at her, and she smiled back, squeezing my arm in support and encouragement. She pulled herself up to sit next to me.
"Then what?" I took a deep breath.
"Well, at that time, as an eighteen-year-old kid, I was so confused, you know?" I looked at her, she shook her head.
"I don’t understand."
"About myself. You figure what my sexual experiences had been before that." She looked down, nodding.
"Yeah." She looked at me again. "I see."
"So, one night, after half a day of studying, Scott and I decided to rent a couple movies, get some junk food, and chill out in my dorm room. Scott had never had any kind of experiences at all." I grinned, looking down at my hands, which fidgeted with each other. "In fact, he had a condom in his wallet that he’d been carrying around for like a year. I used to tease him about that all the time." I took a deep breath, glancing again toward Kendall’s room. "Anyway, as we watched the movie, we started talking about sex. Talking about it turned to kissing, and kissing turned to him being able to finally use that condom." I smiled sadly at Haley.
"Which, of course, was old?" she asked, her voice very quiet. I nodded, feeling my eyes begin to sting again.
"Yeah."
"I think I can guess the rest." I tucked my lower lip in, trying to hold myself together, keep in the emotion, but I felt a tear slip out, making a cold, lazy trail down my cheek. "Why didn’t you abort?" I looked up at her, my brows drawn.
"I could never do that, Haley. Kill an innocent, unborn child because of my own irresponsibility? Never." She nodded in understanding.
"How did the Torrini's get involved in all of this?" I felt Haley’s hand moving on my arm, petting me, always letting me know she was there.
"My mom. Through the hospital. She knew a woman who knew a couple wanting a child. At that time they had been married for something like s
even years, and couldn’t conceive. So, we all met, and an arrangement was made."
"Why didn’t you keep her?" I sighed, a rueful smile coming to my face.
"Now there’s the million dollar question. But, it’s an easy answer. I was far too young, Haley, and I knew it. And, to be honest, with you and with myself, I was very selfish. I had a dream my entire life, as you know, of going to college, moving on, reaching my dreams. A child did not fit into that plan very well. I knew it was the best thing for everyone involved. Ultimately, especially for Kendall. She deserved parents that could give her everything emotionally that she needed. The time and love."
"So, you left Dartmouth?"
"Yes. My mom assured me that if I came back home, I could go to school locally, and she could help out. I could live at home, and get excellent medical care. So, I left Dartmouth, and enrolled in Carlton."
"Did you see Kendall when she was born?" she asked, running her hand down my arm until she held my hand. I squeezed her fingers, she squeezed back. I nodded.
"Yes. My mother and the Torrinis were in the delivery room that day. I was given Kendall as soon as she was born, held her, kissed the top of her head," My voice broke, and my hand came up to hide my face as the tears came anew. I thought back to that day. It was three-thirty in the morning, and I was so exhausted, and my body hurt, and so did my soul. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, I was giving up my child, my flesh and blood. Holding her to me, seeing the thick, dark hair she had, and the wail, it was almost too much. My breasts had began to hurt immediately, responding to the call of my hungry child.
I felt arms encircle me, and I fell into them, letting the pain of nearly eleven years finally come out, me never really dealing with it, or letting it out.
"I’m so sorry, Andi." Haley whispered into my ear, her hand stroking my shoulder, my head against her neck.
Hating myself for letting something that was beyond my control get the best of me, I took all that pain, all that guilt, and all those emotions and shoved them back into their dark little cabinet where I could put the lock back on the door.
I swiped at my eyes, trying to eat the sobs.
"Are you okay?" I nodded, pulling away, but still needing the warmth of human contact. Haley kept her hand on my shoulder, massaging the skin through my shirt, and waiting for me to continue.
"Anyway, a deal’s a deal. So, the Torrinis took Kendall home, and the rest is history."
"Does Kendall know?" I nodded, using the hem of my shirt to wipe at my eyes. "Hold on," Haley stood, and walked away for a moment, returning with a box of Kleenex.
I smiled my gratitude, and blew my nose, dried my eyes.
"Is Scott still in the picture?" I shook my head.
"Oh, no. I told him about the baby, but he wanted no part of it. He signed his rights away. Believe it or not, he was even more determined than I was." Haley smiled. "I imagine he’s some huge, successful neurosurgeon somewhere." She sighed quietly, slowly letting the breath out.
"Has she ever said anything like that before?" She sat next to me again, putting the box of tissues on the coffee table, and turning back to me. I shook my head.
"No. Never." I looked toward her room again, then at my old friend.
"I don’t think she meant anything by it, Andi. Kids say things that they don’t even realize. They don’t know the damage they can do."
"Yeah. I think she was embarrassed when I told her not to curse. You know, she was in front of adults. She really likes you, you know." I smiled at her. She smiled at me.
"Well, I like her, too. She’s a good kid, Andi. I don’t think she meant to hurt you." I took a deep breath, feeling like a kid as I dug the heels of my hands into my eyes to try and stop the burning.
"Do many people know about this?" I shook my head.
"Nope. You’re the only one other than family." Haley sat back, her arm running along the back of the couch.
"So Erin never knew about Kendall?"
"No." Her brows drew in surprise.
"Why?" I shrugged.
"Good question. I guess mostly because Erin didn’t like to be around Kendall. She never tried to understand what Kendall meant to me. Even if I really were just her mentor." I blew my nose again, tossing the Kleenex aside, and grabbing another one. "I never felt that I could fully trust Erin in that way. Not that she’d go and tell the entire hospital about it, but that she’d never understand the importance of Kendall to me, never respect her as my child. You know?" Haley nodded.
"I understand, and I’m sorry. That was wrong of Erin."
"Yes. Well, Erin wanted to settle down, that was true. But she never really tried to get to know me, the real me." I pointed to myself. "She was always more intent on knowing where I was, and what I was doing, than what was inside me." I ran a hand through my hair, and sighed. "It pushed me away further than I pushed myself away."
"I’m sorry, Andi. It sounds like Erin wasn’t what you needed." I nodded.
"You can say that again. She’s a good woman, and I know that she’ll find what she’s looking for, but I’m glad it’s over." I looked at Haley, feeling so vulnerable, but feeling like I needed to talk with Haley. "Haley?"
"Yes, Andi?"
"Why do I push people away like I do? I mean, it’s not like I had this horrible childhood where I wasn’t loved and had to fight on the streets. I don’t get it."
"Well, before I answer, do you mind if I get some water?" Haley pointed toward the kitchen. I smiled, nodding my head. Haley stood, then looked down at me. "Want anything?"
"Yeah. Get me an OJ, will you?"
"You know, Andi," Haley said as she made her way to the fridge. "I think you don’t feel you’re understood, and because of that lack of understanding, you shut yourself off so you can’t be hurt that way." She handed me the 10 ounce plastic bottle, and sat again, opening her own bottle of juice. "No one has bothered to try and look deeper than the puddle that you allow to be seen, Andi. Let’s face it; you’re quite intimidating when you want to be. Which," she chuckled. "Is most the time, unfortunately." I looked at her, brows drawn.
"But you’re not intimidated by me." Haley shook her head, taking a long drink of her juice, and setting the near empty bottle aside.
"Not at all. I see you. The real you." I stared at her, unsure what to say, what to think, what to feel. My head was far too mottled with thoughts to even attempt dissecting what she was telling me. We both sat quietly, lost in our own thoughts. I’m not sure how long we sat there, perhaps it was two minutes, maybe two hours. It just felt good to be, and know that someone was with you that understood, and could offer the kindness and understanding that I needed.
Finally Haley spoke.
"It’s getting late, Andi." I felt a warm hand on mine again. I looked into her eyes. She smiled at me. "I think you’ve had enough thinking for one night." I smiled back, nodding. "You’ll be okay?" I nodded. She patted my hand. "I’ll see you later, okay?"
"Yeah. Thank you so much, Haley."
"Sure." She stood, standing before me, her arms out to the side. I looked up at her. "Come, come." Shaking my head with a grin, I stood, and stepped into her arms. The hug was tight, warm, and brief. She stepped back from me. "You’ll be okay, Andi. You’re a strong cookie." She grabbed her juice, finished it, and headed back into the kitchen to throw it out. She looked at me one last time, smiled, then headed out.
I stayed where I was for a moment, feeling so exhausted, and near empty, as if I had just purged everything that was in me tonight. How on earth did Haley get me to admit to all this crap? It was her job, after all. Guess I shouldn’t be so surprised.
Kendall.
I turned again to the door that I knew she slept behind. Almost as if they had their own mind, my legs began to move, carrying me toward it. I put my hand out, slowly, quietly turning the doorknob, and pushed the door open.
The dim light from the lamp in the other room shed some light into the darkness. Kendall lay on her side, her bac
k to me in her bed, the blankets tucked under her arm. I stood there in the doorway, watching my daughter as she slept. My daughter. Rarely did I ever let those words enter into my mind. That way I didn’t have to think, or have to feel. I was missing out.
There was so much love inside me at that moment, filling me, making feel so lucky to still have this wonderful, precious gift in my life. How would my life have been without her?
I started when I heard movement. Kendall had turned over, laying on her back, her eyes open. She was looking at me. I didn’t know what to say, or if I should say anything. Suddenly her arms opened, and her head cocked to the side slightly, hope in her eyes, so much like my own.
Without a word, I went to her, sat on the edge of the bed, and gathered the little girl in my arms, holding her tightly to me.
"I’m sorry," she cried, the sobs wracking her small body. "I didn’t mean it."
My eyes closed tightly, my hand going to the back of her head, holding her head to my chest.
"I know. It’s okay, Kendall." The sobs began to subside, small fingers digging into the material of my shirt, until she had a handful to hold onto.
"I love you, Andi." A smiled spread across my lips, and I hugged her tighter.
"I love you, too, Kendall."
* * *
My brows drew as I watched the computer screen, the levels of the equipment, set up to show right in my office. I grabbed my bottled water, sipping as the levels evened out.
"Yes," I smiled, finally satisfied. I shut the program down, and turned to my daily log, writing the information down.
"Hey." Looking up, I saw Haley standing in the doorway of my office, a wrapped sandwich in her hand, and a carton of orange juice. I smiled.