by Kim Pritekel
"What do we do?" she asked quietly. "I know that I’ve never felt about anyone the way I did about you. Hell, who am I kidding, do. I feel so lost, Andi."
"I understand. We don’t have to do anything, Haley. We’re doing what should have been done so many years ago. This needed to get out."
"You made me doubt myself. That’s why I dated so little in college. I didn’t know what was going on, and didn’t want to stick myself in someone’s camp that I didn’t belong in, but I tell you," She pointed a finger at me. "You were a hard act to follow."
I smiled. "So were you. I was trying to find someone who could see me like you did, in all those women I was with." I shook my head. "Not a one."
She sighed, ran a hand through her hair, then she reached out to me, bringing me toward her in a tight embrace.
"Thank you," she said in my ear.
"For?"
"For being here."
"Well, you invited me in." She chuckled, and squeezed me tighter.
"What say you we get some sleep?" She pulled away. I nodded.
"Yeah. I’m beat."
"Me, too."
"Got any blankets?"
"Yeah. I’ll get them."
* * *
I walked down the hall from my office Monday, feeling like I was walking on air. We had had the most wonderful weekend, though nothing more had happened. I just felt a closeness with Haley that I had never felt with another living soul. I felt like someone truly saw what I was made of for the first time, well, for a second chance. I felt incredibly vulnerable, but for some reason that didn’t matter.
I headed to Haley’s office, curious to why she didn’t come get me to get out of here like she usually does, I thought about the following day, yesterday.
We had spent the entire day in Haley’s townhouse, talking, laughing, reliving so many old memories, and creating new ones.
God, thank you so much for this second time around. I actually glanced up toward the ceiling, feeling silly for doing it. I was not a religious person by any means, but I felt like there was a hand in this somewhere, helping us out.
I pulled open the door that would take me to the offices of the psych people. Haley’s office was just inside, to the right.
I stopped short when I saw she was on the phone.
"Yeah, I know. I’m not sure what to do." She sat in her chair, staring out the window, her back to me, a hand on her forehead. "Yeah, I start the summer class session at UCLA in late May. I report back to work on the twentieth. Yeah, I guess I’m looking forward to getting back to Los Angeles. Yeah, five months to go."
My stomach fell, my breath caught as realization dawned on me.
No.
I turned, tears blinding my way as I reached for the door handle that would take me back to the hall, slamming out of there. I needed to get out of there.
Part 16
I swiped at my eyes, despising myself for letting them come. How had I been so stupid? How had I ever allowed myself to think that maybe, just maybe, it would work out for me, that maybe I was meant to find that elusive drug?
What a fool I was. I might as well have been chasing a rainbow.
I found the door to the building, and headed out toward the parking lot.
"Andi!"
I hurried faster, trying to find my Jeep through my tears.
"Andi! Stop!"
I pulled my keys out of my pocket, trying to find the right key to unlock the door.
"Why are you running from me?" I turned, seeing Haley running toward me, just in the pant suit she’d worn for work. Finally she stopped, standing at the back of the car, her face red from the exertion and the cold, and filled with confusion. "What happened? Why are you crying?" She took a step forward, but stopped, apparently seeing something on my face that made her unsure.
"When were you going to tell me, Haley?" I asked, my voice deathly calm and quiet, though my eyes still burned from tears shed, and those waiting in the wings.
"Tell you what?"
"That you’re leaving! You’re going back to California. Goddamn you, Haley. How could you do this to me?" I turned back to my car, again, attempting to find the right key, even as my hands continued to tremble. "I can’t do it again, Haley. Not only can’t I, I won’t,"
"Come with me."
My head jerked up, my heart in my throat. She looked like she was on the verge of tears herself.
"What?"
"Come with me, back to California, Andi." She took a step closer. I could only stare. "Please? I’ve found you, gotten you back into my life, and damn if I can imagine you out again." She took a deep breath, quickly swiping at her eye, then looking at me again, taking a small step forward.
"Why didn’t you tell me?" I asked, my voice quiet, defeated.
"Do you know how many times, how many ways I tried to ask? Do you think all my questions about you ever seeing, or being interested in seeing California were arbitrary? Andi, I wanted you to come with me."
I finally turned to face her fully, my hurt and fear being covered by anger. Always my weapon of choice.
"Why? So I could live down the street from you? We could have our Saturday nights? What, can’t live without my baking?" Her eyes narrowed, tears springing to them.
"Why are you saying these things? Andi, I’m trying to offer you a life with me in it. Do you want that? Because from everything you’ve said and done thus far, I’m sorry, but that was certainly the impression I got."
"I do want you in my life, Haley! But on whose terms? Yours? I can’t go as your boy toy to take out and play with when you want, and then tuck nicely back into my own little house when you don’t."
"Is that what you think of me?" she asked, taking the final step that separated us, bringing our foreheads so they were nearly touching. "Is that all you think I’m capable of, Andi?"
"What are you capable of?" I closed my eyes, fearing my heart would pound out of my chest. Haley was silent for a moment, then she let out a deep breath, shaking her head.
"I don’t know."
I sighed, taking a step back, finally getting my key in the door, turning the lock.
"Please, at least think about it." I glanced at her. She was looking at me with pleading eyes. "Okay?" All I could do was nod. I climbed into the Jeep, and closed the door, shutting out the cold, shutting out Haley, shutting out the world.
Pulling out of the parking lot, I stopped just before turning onto the major street. Turning left would take me toward home. I quickly flicked the right turn signal, and headed out.
As I drove, I fought the tears, but it was a losing battle. I let them come.
She wanted me to go with her. But to what end? Leave my home, my family, my daughter, my career? Sure, there were labs up in California, I knew that, but all that I had built here in the past ten years. All I had accomplished, the awards I’d won.
But then there was Haley. My whole life, no one had been able to affect me as she did, no one could claim they had won me over, or opened my heart. Some sick part of me relished the fact that no one had been able to break me.
But then there was Haley.
She rocked my world every single day in one way or another. Damn, even now as I thought about her, my stomach began to dance, my heart singing along, and the corners of my mouth automatically turning up.
It often made me think of Bunsen. No matter how much trouble he’d gotten into that morning, because he’d torn something up in the night, or had decided to make the kitchen floor his personal latrine, he always had a wagging tail, and a lick or twenty for me. Such was the way of Haley. In my eyes she could do no wrong.
The sun was beginning to peek out from between the clouds, and its light reflecting off the snow was too much. I pulled down my visor to grab my sunglasses from where they were clasped, and I stopped, seeing Kendall’s fourth grade picture where I’d tucked it under a rubber band. She was smiling at me, her green eyes bright with youth and innocence.
I pulled the Jeep to the s
ide of the road, and took the picture out, staring at it. The girl was so young, only ten. I trusted Vince and Michelle Torrini as much as I trusted my own mother. I knew Kendall was in good hands, or I never would have left her there. She’d be taken care of well, just as she had already been for the first decade of her life.
There were ways to see her often, and Haley loved her. She’d have no problem with Kendall visiting.
I closed my eyes, setting the picture aside, and putting my hands on the wheel. What is this "we" bullshit? Haley has said nothing about a we. She’d only said that she wanted me to come with her. What the hell does she want from me? What are her intentions?
God, I hate being confused.
* * *
I walked down the hall, headed to the lab. I knew my eyes were red from lack of sleep, and though I hated to admit it, more crying. Damn those ducts. If they didn’t serve an actual bodily function, I’d have them removed.
I had done a lot of thinking last night, a whole shit load of pacing, making my dog dizzy as he sat on his haunches, watching the crazy human walk back and forth, back and forth.
No conclusions had managed to be reached as of yet, but I knew that it was only fair I give her an answer soon.
Pushing it all aside for now, I pushed open the door to the lab, and was immediately met by Samantha.
"Andi, thank god you’re here. Disaster last night."
"What?" Alarmed, I threw my wallet and keys onto the nearest work table, and followed my colleague over to the test read-offs. I searched through the numbers, trying to find the problem. "Why did this happen?"
"The cooler gave out over night. The one with the sample in it." I looked up at her, eyes narrowed.
"No," I breathed. She nodded. She looked like she was about to cry. "Hang on, let me think. Where is it?" She hurried to the back of the lab where she’d placed the Petri dish to keep it safe. I grabbed it, quickly taking it to the nearest microscope and zooming in on it. It couldn’t happen this way. There was just no way.
"We’ve got to hurry, Andi. The other freezing units are losing temperature, too."
"You’re kidding?" I looked at her, she shook her head.
"I only wish."
"Fuck." I stood. "This one’s too far gone. "Check the others."
I hurried back to my office, my blood on fire. Grabbing the phone, I punched the extension of Dr. Bill Johns, the supervisor of the wing.
"Dr. Johns," came the smooth, calm voice. Not what I needed to hear.
"You need to get your ass on the phone, and get us some new cooling units with the money we were promised at the beginning of the year, Johns," I raged. This had been an ongoing problem, our equipment dying out long before its time, even though all the labs had been promised a budget increase at the beginning of our fiscal year, which all of us had yet to see.
"Excuse me?"
"This is Dr. Andrea Littman, and you just cost us about a thousand man hours, and a million dollars in research, doctor. Our cooling units have failed for the third time in the last six months." I could feel my emotions building, the situation with the lab, and Haley building into one massive ball of ‘oh shit.’
"Do you have any idea who you’re talking to?" He was downright angry, now.
"Yes, and I’ll kiss your ass tomorrow, but today get off it, and get this taken care of! You’re messing with people’s lives, Dr. Johns. We may have finally had the right combination, but now we’re hard pressed to ever know."
"Another one is bad, Andi," I heard Samantha yell from the lab.
"Get on it... sir."
I hung up the phone, and hurried back into the lab.
Within an hour, repair men had us halfway back up, and brand new units had been ordered.
As the day went on, Samantha and I started our project from scratch. We were both disheartened, saddened, almost as if a member of our family had died. We had lost all the samples when all was said and done.
She left for lunch, needing to get some space between her and the lab, so I sat in my office, the project on the computer screen before me, but I stared straight ahead, my mind nowhere near this hospital. Though I did worry somewhere in there if I’d have a job tomorrow.
Suddenly I felt as though I were being watching, and I looked up. Haley stood in the doorway, a brown bag in her hand. She had been looking at me. When she saw she had my attention, she smiled.
"Penny for your thoughts?" she said. I smiled.
"You’d be a poor woman."
"May I come in?" She raised the bag. "Lunch."
"Please. Have a seat." I indicated the chair that was on the other side of my desk for guests.
She entered the office, setting the bag on the desk, reaching in to grab a wrapped sandwich. She placed it in front of me.
"Thanks," I said, my voice quiet. I was quite shocked to see her here, really. Though I had done nothing wrong, things hadn’t gone particularly well yesterday, either.
"Look, Andi, I just want you to know that regardless of what happens, whatever you decide, I still will always be here for you, and I truly want to be your friend." I looked up to see Haley standing there, a napkin in her hand, looking right at me. I nodded.
"Thank you."
"And, I’m not about to let you starve just because you can’t seem to make or buy yourself food." I grinned, taking the sandwich into my hands.
"Speaking of decisions," I said, glancing briefly at her. She sat, crossing her arms over her chest, but said nothing. "Why? Why do you want me there?"
She sighed, looking up at the ceiling for a moment before looking back at me, only to look at her lap.
"Well, that’s a question I’ve been struggling with for weeks now." Her eyes met mine. "I’ve never had a problem making friends, and I’ve generally always been surrounded by wonderful people, and for a long time that sufficed. You know?" She looked at me, searching my face for understanding. I nodded.
"I know what you mean."
"Now it’s all changed, somehow. I think of my life back in California, my condo waiting for me, the friends that I have, my work, and though there’s a very large part of me that can barely wait to get back to all that, there’s another part, a deeper part, that can’t imagine any of it without you." She cut herself off, and looked down at her hands.
She looked like she was in such despair, and then to my horror, I saw a single tear fall to her lap.
Quickly I was out of my chair, and hurried to the other side of the desk, sitting on the edge. I had no idea what to do once I was there, but I knew I needed to be closer to her, she needed that.
She swiped at her eye with an impatient hand, then looked up at me.
"No one gets to me like you do, Andi. I feel so safe with you, secure, like nothing can hurt me." She sighed. "I know what I ask is a lot, especially for such an unknown return, but I think about leaving here without you, and I feel sick. Every time you come over, I dread as it gets late, because I know you’re going to have to go home. I crave your presence, Andi. Does that make any sense?"
"More than you know. But what if this is another experiment for you, Haley? What if we try this, and you decide you don’t like it? What if it doesn’t work?"
"Well, first of all, you take the chance of it not working with anything you do. You should know that as a scientist. Second of all, I’m not a kid anymore, and I don’t experiment. Nor do I run. I’ve learned to face my fears, and face the unknown." She looked at me. "And I want that with you." She shook her head. "I’m sorry, Andi. I am so selfish."
"Okay." It just came out. She looked up, her eyes narrowed in suspicion.
"What?" I took a deep breath, leaning forward slightly on the desk.
"Okay." She cocked her head to the side, still looking wary.
"Okay... what?"
"What do you think? I told you I always wanted to see the Pacific." Haley stared at me for a moment, then suddenly her eyes grew to the size of saucers, and she jumped up from the chair, damn near smacking my chin wi
th her face, and grabbed me in a massive hug.
I smiled, relishing the feel of her arms around me, her body pressed to mine, her excitement contagious, yet somewhere deep inside warning bells were sounding, and a voice was screaming, ‘what are you doing?!!’
I shut it all out, just enjoying the feeling of making Haley happy.
* * *
I turned the music up loud in my Jeep as I headed toward Winston. I had called, and mom was home tonight. I was excited to tell her my news. Haley had Tae Kwon Do class tonight, so I took the opportunity to get the ball rolling.
I hadn’t said anything to anyone at work, yet. For some reason I just didn’t want it getting out there, yet. My mind sailed to California, thinking about the sunny days, the ocean just a short drive away. Especially as I looked outside the car, the snow piled high wherever you looked. Now we’d just have sand and surf to play in instead of beautiful snow drifts. I’d never made a sand castle before. Guess you’re never too old to start.
My smile grew wider as I imagined Kendall on the beach with us, her running around in a bathing suit, trying to catch the waves as they came in.
And then I thought about Haley, and my smile grew wider, and a bit deeper. Where would we live? Haley had talked about the Scripps Institute , which was a huge research lab in California, and a wonderful opportunity for me. I saw where one of their scientists had won the Nobel Prize just last year. Oh, how I’d love that to be my name that went in the history books.
I’m a believer in making your own destiny, but at the same time, I do think life can give you a bit of a nudge in the right direction. Is the failure of the equipment, and thus of our experiment, trying to tell me something? Is it time to move on?