Outcome

by Kim Pritekel

  "It’s okay. This way we can just spend some time together. If you want."

  "I do want." I looked around, seeing how empty it all was. "This place looks so big with nothing in it."

  "I know. That’s why I bought it. Lots of space."

  I tensed as I could feel the emotion rise in my throat. I was so damn tired of this. Why couldn’t I be the stone cold bitch I had been for year? Nothing affected that woman, and no one affected that woman.

  Damn you, Haley Corregan.

  I squeezed a little tighter, really feeling the tears come, now. Seeing this empty place, knowing that all of Haley’s things used to fill these rooms. Haley used to fill these rooms, and she never would again.

  A sob tore from my throat, and my eyes squeezed shut, the hot, burning tears making their way down my face, one after the other, my throat choked up as more sobs fought to get out.

  Haley turned around in my arms, hugging me to her, holding me close, my shaking body.

  "Don’t go, Haley," I sobbed. "Please? Stay?" I looked up at her, trying to make sense of her image through my wall of tears. I could feel her body shake as she, too, began to cry. She shook her head.

  "Don’t do this, Andi. Please, don’t do this," she begged.

  "Why can’t you stay? You can find a place around here to practice. You know the hospital will take you back in a heartbeat!"

  "Don’t, don’t, don’t," she whispered, her forehead against mine, our tears falling until I didn’t know whose belonged to whom, the salty taste upon my lips.

  I cupped her face, and pulled her to me, taking her mouth, desperate, hungry, needing to feel her, to connect with her, to let her know how much I needed her. All the things I couldn’t say with words.

  Haley’s arms wrapped themselves around my neck, pulling me to her, crushing me to her. Our mouths fought for what, we didn’t know. All I knew was I needed her. And I loved her.

  The tears kept coming as the kiss deepened, the passion of the moment, matching the depth of our pain, making us try and devour each other.

  After long moments, I pulled away from her, sniffling, and taking her hand. I turned, leading us toward the stairs, neither of us saying a word.

  In what had once been Haley’s bedroom now stood only the rabbit hutch, and the frame of the bed, a single mattress resting on it. Everything else, including the headboard, had already been moved out.

  I turned to Haley, both of us standing at the end of the bed, the dying sunlight streaming in through the one window. Haley looked at me, her eyes filled with so much, it was hard to discern. Love, fear, sadness and desire.

  I kissed her gently on the lips, then pulled away, my hands going to her tee, slowly lifting it from the bottom. She obediently lifted her arms, and I pulled the shirt over her head, and tossed it to the floor. I could see her nipples were erect through the material of her bra. I took a step closer to her, wrapping my arms around her, my fingers working with the hooks of it.

  As I worked at it, Haley lowered her head, and caught my lips, her hands moving to my tank, sliding up underneath to caress my back. The kiss was slow, neither of us in a hurry as we tasted, felt, explored.

  The bra came loose, and I brought my hands up to her shoulder, fingers touching the strap of it, gently pushing them down off her shoulder, and down her arms. She closed her eyes as her breasts were exposed to me.

  I brought my hands up, touching them, just above the curve, taking in a breath at the softness of them. I had waited so long for this. I wanted her to go away knowing that I did care, I do care.

  Bending my head down, I nuzzled the erect nipple with my lips, smiling at the sharp intake of breath. I felt Haley’s hands in my hair, running her fingers through it. I slid my tongue out, just the tip, and swiped it across the rigid peak of one of the breasts, then took the entire nipple into my mouth, gently sucking it in.

  "Oh, god," Haley moaned. "Baby, I want to feel you. Please."

  With one last lick, I looked at her, seeing the fire that burned in her eyes, causing fresh sparks to boil my blood.

  Feeling suddenly very urgent, I grabbed her shorts, tugging them down her legs, as she kicked them off, and I tugged at my own, desperate to get them off, feeling as if they were constraining me.

  We met again, our naked bodies coming together, causing Haley to moan, our kiss fiery and desperate, hands everywhere, Haley thrusting herself into me. I turned and pushed her onto the mattress, the urgency taking over as I spread her legs, fitting myself between them, pressing a hand to her, feeling how ready for me she was. God, she was so wet.

  Pressing against her, taking her, letting her know she belonged to me, no matter what happened, I didn’t want her to ever forget this, or me.

  She screamed out as she came, clutching me with claw-like fingers, but I didn’t care. Our mouths came together, her tongue forcing its way into mine, rolling us over so she was laying on top of me. She brought her mouth to my breast, slowly, unsure of what she was doing, she took my painfully hard nipple into her mouth, the warmth of it adding even more anguish to my aching body, and sucking on it as I had done hers.

  My eyes closed, my hips bucking off the bed. I had nearly come when she had, and was certainly on the verge now. I reached down, taking her hand, and shoving it between my legs. Getting the hint, Haley used her fingers, at first feeling around.

  "My god. You’re so wet, so hot," She looked at me with awe and wonder. "All because of me?" I nodded.

  "Oh, yeah,"

  She turned her attention back to my breast, getting bolder with every thrust of my body as her fingers played, paying careful attention to what made me jump or moan the most, and then sticking with it, stroking me until she left my breast, and watched her hand at work, fascinated by what she was capable of doing with just two fingers.

  I clutched the sheets in my hands, my head arching back, eyes closed as I exploded. In moments I felt Haley on top of me, a hot tongue on my neck, licking and sucking its way up to my ear, then sucking on the lobe, my legs wrapping themselves around her waist, pulling her body into mine.

  Haley’s mouth found my own as she began to press against me, the pressure on her pubic bone from mine, making her move a little. I could feel wetness gathering again, but had no idea if it was mine, or if it was hers. I knew I was ready again, so figured it was both.

  Haley pushed herself to her elbows, moving her hips against me, my legs unwrapping themselves from around her, but spreading wider so more of me was exposed to her. She groaned, thrusting harder against me, my hands trailing down her back, what nails I did have finding purchase in the skin. Her mouth found mine again, our breathing heavy, nearly stopping our kissing all together as we fought to breathe.

  I could feel the building sensations again, and knew I was really close, and from the momentum that Haley was getting, I knew she was, too. She slammed into me, our bellies slapping together as she thrust, harder and harder until she squeezed her eyes tightly shut, mouth open as she exploded, me not far behind.

  I pulled Haley to me, her body completely collapsing onto mine. I wrapped myself around her, needing to feel her close, her naked skin, everything about her. I could smell our combined scents in the air; this only added to my libido, but right now all I wanted to do was hold her.

  My hands ran up and down her back, tracing random patterns on her skin when I felt her body shake, wracking against me.

  I pulled her to me, understanding without her having to say a word. I began to caress her hair, my fingers getting lost in the dark, tangled strands, then I pushed, turning us over so Haley was laying on the bed. She looked up at me, her eyes an electric blue from the crying. I kissed her gently, her kissing me back, her hands on my skin, running her nails over my arms, shoulders and back.

  I placed a leg between hers, and gently, slowly began to move my body. Immediately I felt her moving, too. The rhythm was slow, lazy. The last thought in my mind was to make either of us come. I just wanted to make love to her, show her thro
ugh my movements, my body, share with her. She seemed to understand that. The sobbing quieted until it stopped, though tears still streamed from her eyes.

  Haley’s hand trailed up to the back of my head and neck, her body slowly rocking with mine, her other hand trying to touch as much of my body as possible, as our mouths stayed connected.

  The kiss was slow, yet extremely powerful. It was slow movement of lips, tongue, the slight tilt of our heads, the graceful thrust of our hips.

  As Haley continued to cry, I broke the kiss, and laid my head against her neck, burying my face in the warm, salty skin, kissing every once in a while. Eventually our bodies slowed, and stopped all together.

  "I love you, Andi," she whispered. I kissed the side of her neck.

  "I love you, too, Haley."

  As Haley lay in my arms asleep, the sun fell peacefully behind the horizon. Our day was over.

  I closed my eyes, hugged Haley tighter to me, and fell asleep.

  * * *

  Being as quiet as I could, I pulled my tank over my head, not even bothering with my bra, and then tugged the shorts up. I glanced over at her. She slept, laying on her stomach, covered only by the sheet, her face facing me. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful.

  Pulling on my sneakers, I walked over to the bed, bending over, and placed a single kiss on her lips.

  "Goodbye, Haley," I whispered, and hurried out.

  It was Monday, and I had called in sick. Never had I, except for the day my child was born, and then Haley walks into my life, and I’m out once a week.

  I smiled at the irony of it all.

  The truth of the matter was I didn’t want to see Haley. I had said my goodbyes, and anything else would hurt entirely too much.

  So, I had spent the day at home, or out with Bunsen, getting some sun, trying to find a way to put my heart back together so I could go on, and start living as soon as possible.

  As the day started to come to an end, I headed downstairs. I was still so loaded with emotions and loss, I needed to find some way of release.

  Pulling on my tank and a pair of mesh shorts, I taped my hands, and began a hard, tiring workout on my bag that hung from a beam in the basement. I punched and hit and kicked, yelling out with each contact I made, trying to do all but demolish my enemy, my demon that wouldn’t let go.

  I stopped, out of breath, and my hair falling in sweaty strands in my eyes. I thought I had heard something. I listened...

  Ding dong

  My heart fell, and I felt my eyes sting. I knew who it was as Bunsen barked his little head off. I couldn’t answer it.

  Ding dong

  I held my breath, my racing heart nearly blocking any sound from coming in, but finally I head a door slam, and a car engine start.

  Closing my eyes, I plopped down on the mat, my head in my hands.

  * * *

  I walked into the hospital, my mind already racing to what had happened, and what progress had been made on the research since our new equipment had been installed. With all the nonsense of last week, I hadn’t had much time to play with the new toys.

  I pushed the lab door open to see Samantha already at work. She glanced over at me, and smiled.

  "Hey, doc. Are you feeling better?"

  "I’ll survive." I said, heading for my office. I brought my keys out, and unlocked the door, flipping on the light, and stopping in my tracks.

  On the desk sat a Koosh ball, sitting on a piece of paper. Slowly I walked over to it, setting my keys down, and sitting in the chair, my eyes never leaving the Koosh.

  Taking a deep breath, all my carefully placed reserve cracking with each ticking of the clock, I grabbed the toy, feeling the familiar spines, knowing the last hand they had touched had been hers.

  Placing the Koosh aside, I picked up the folded piece of paper, and read it:

  I will always love you. Here’s a small piece of me to carry around with you.

  Toward the bottom of the note was carefully printed,

  I had hoped for a different outcome.

  I lowered my head, taking several deep breaths, my hand blindly reaching out to grab the Koosh.

  "Andi?"

  I looked up when I heard the soft voice. Samantha stood in the doorway, her hands in the pockets of her lab coat. I said nothing, blinking as I tried to push the tears back down into their little compartment away from everything else.

  "Yeah?"

  "I just want you to know, if you need to talk, I’m here for you. Okay?"

  I smiled, nodding.

  "Thanks, Samantha. I’m fine." I stood, grabbing my own lab coat, and slipping it on. "Come on; we’ve got work to do." I began to head out of the office, but grabbed the Koosh, slipping it into my pocket.

  The morning went on, and I slipped back into the world I knew so well, and pulled off without a hitch, losing myself in my work, letting the science take me over. It was a great thought deterrent.

  The research was back online, and we were starting to make progress again.

  "Samantha, I’m going to grab some coffee. Want anything from the cafeteria?"

  "Yeah, grab me one of those banana muffins they have."

  "Will do."

  I headed out, whistling softly to myself as I did. It was nearly lunch time, eleven-thirty, but I knew I wouldn’t be taking any lunches today. I had a lot of work to catch up on, and today I planned to make history for me. I wanted so badly to finally get what I’d always been after, and unlock the mysteries of the body. We were so close now.

  The cafeteria was buzzing with pre-lunch voices. There were only maybe a dozen people there, between visitors and staff. As I looked to my right, toward the food part, I stopped, seeing the sign with the lunch special of the day: tuna on rye.

  Suddenly I felt the weight of the Koosh in my pocket, and the façade came crashing around me.

  I headed toward a table, plopping down hard, my hand going into the pocket of the lab coat. I brought out the Koosh and the note, placing the page in front of me on the table, the Koosh in my hands. I read the words again, bowing my head. I felt my chest tighten, my eyes begin to sting, until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

  I whipped my head around, my heart in my throat, then I saw the brown eyes.

  My hopes crashed, and I turned back to the Koosh.

  "Are you okay, Andi?" Erin sat next to me, her hand on my arm. I nodded, but said nothing. "I don’t believe you. What happened?"

  "She’s gone," I said quietly, my hurting even worse to say the words.

  "Who’s gone?"

  "Haley."

  "Oh. I wondered. I always used to see you guys together." I felt her move closer as she read the words on the page. "I’m so sorry, Andi." I felt the hand on my arm squeeze. "What happened? Where did she go?" Her words were so soft.

  "Back to California."

  "Why?"

  "She has a life there." My head fell again, and I felt my throat tighten. "I love her, Erin," I whispered.

  "Does she love you?" I nodded. "Then why don’t you go with her?"

  "She asked. I can’t leave here. I can’t leave my work, I can’t leave, I just can’t leave."

  "You know, Andi, at one time it would have helped my own heart to see you like this, but now I’ve truly found happiness, and I know what it can be, what it can feel like. I care enough about you to want you to have the same thing."

  I looked at her, a tear falling down my cheek.

  "Oh, honey," She reached out, and wiped it away with her finger. "Sometimes certain things are worth fighting for, Andi." She whispered, then stopped, grabbing her pager. "Damn. I have to go. I’m sorry." She stood, but hugged me from behind. "Good luck, Andi."

  As she walked away, I looked at Haley’s Koosh in my hands, and suddenly I knew what I had to do.

  I shoved back from the chair, shoving the toy and the note in my pocket, and turned toward the door, running as if I was being chased by a lonely past, chased by the ghost of a woman that I couldn’t let go of.

>   "Go get her, Andi!" I heard Erin yell as I ran past her.

  Bursting through the doors that would lead to the parking lot, I found my Jeep, and clicked the doors open, inserting the key with shaky hands. God, what was I doing?

  I glanced at the clock on the dashboard, seeing that it was ten after twelve, and I knew that Haley would already be on her way to the airport. It was an hour drive to the nearest one, so I had to really haul ass.

  What would I do once I got there? Why was I going? What would I say?

  The highway stretched out before me, and my heart pounded with every mile, blood racing through my head making me feel lightheaded.

  I pushed the speed limit to the absolute outset, just trying to avoid getting pulled over or killing anyone. I had to see her, just one last time.

  Eventually the highway gave way to a narrow, two-lane road that would take me straight to the airport’s driveway.

  Out of the corner of my eye I saw a familiar-looking car. I whipped around to see it, and then pushed hard on the breaks, looking around frantically to try and find the car again. There it was.

  My tires squealed as I did a U-turn in the middle of the street, the car behind me honking as he drove by. I didn’t care. Pushing my foot to the gas, I sped toward the car, trying to get past the other cars that were between us, trying to get directly behind.

  I could see her eyes in the rearview mirror, her car loaded with suitcases.

  I began to pound on the horn like a madwoman, needing to get her attention. Blue eyes looked back at me, then widened in surprise. The small car put on the breaks, me nearly ramming her, as she pulled off of the road, a huge cloud of dust swirling up around her car.

  I followed suit, turning the engine off, and throwing my door open, running to the other side of the car where she was, nearly being bowled over by Haley.

  I held her to me, both of us crying.

  "What are you doing? Are you crazy?" I almost yelled, the adrenaline pounding my heart to the point of near explosion. Haley looked at me through red eyes.