There was the problem… you can’t have the one if the one doesn’t want you.
Now, regrettably, I had a sticky situation… my dilemma had me sitting in my cold car trying to decide the best way to approach him with this so he didn’t get the wrong idea and completely and totally hate me, rather than just hold absolute indifference toward me like he did now. Tears burned behind my eyelids as I fought to keep them at bay.
Times like this, I missed my mom so much. She should’ve been here for me to talk to. To hold me. To tell me I was strong and I could weather any storm. To tell me she was there for me. Instead, I had no one. My mom wasn’t here, and thanks to the wicked fates, I lost my dad in the same day, leaving me utterly alone in the newest fiasco of my life. Matt didn’t even know, because he didn’t need any more crap on his young plate, and I knew he would want to hunt Erik down. He was my fierce little-big warrior, even though he was only seventeen. But no matter his fierceness or size, he was no match for Erik in a fight, and I wasn’t about to let that happen.
Inhaling deeply, I prepared to get out of my car and enter his clubhouse. “Here goes nothing… everything,” I muttered to myself. Of course, a tear chose that moment to escape, just as I approached a man I recognized from the Shamrock, when he and Hacker would pull security. Quickly brushing it away, I pasted a smile on my face and stopped close to him.
“Umm, hey, is Erik, umm, I mean Hacker, here?” The man narrowed his eyes and tipped his head at me slightly, like a puppy would as he was trying to figure out something he hadn’t seen or heard before. God, please don’t let him recognize me.
“Maybe. Who’s asking?”
“Could you tell him Kassi is here? It’s kind of important. I’m sorry, I hate to come here and bother him, but the guy at the gate said he thought it would be okay.” When he smiled, it transformed his dark features into something beautiful. Jesus, this place was crawling with gorgeous men.
“No! It’s no problem at all.” His hand waved toward the door as he cupped the end of his cigarette to light it with his Zippo. “He was in sitting at the bar just a minute ago.” He snapped the lighter closed, drew in on his cigarette as he motioned toward the door, then walked around to the side of the building out of the wind. Something in the sudden change in his attitude made me leery and cautious, but I steeled myself and opened the door, snow sweeping in with me and swirling through the air like glitter before landing on the warm floor and melting.
Oh God.
Hacker was at the bar all right. With a half-naked blonde cooing and rubbing all up on him. His hand reached around her and grabbed her ass that was hanging out of some really short cut-off sweats, and he buried his face along her neck. It was like being in a nightmare where the floor dropped out from under you and you just kept falling and falling. My stomach flipped, and my hands tried to keep my sob from escaping as tears poured down my cheeks. God, I was so stupid. He was groping that slutty-looking woman right in front of me. I was sure he saw me, because his eyes caught mine for a millisecond before he grabbed her ass, but it was enough time for him to show me exactly what he thought of me being there, which was not a damn thing.
My plan, initially, was to send a message to him to see if we could meet somewhere and talk alone. After his history of ignoring all my text messages, I quickly shot that plan down. To have to see with my own eyes what he was really like and why he didn’t ever answer was tortuous. Even though he told me he didn’t do relationships and I had ignorantly accepted his terms, to see him with someone else hurt.
In shame, and with my heart shattered, I spun to push out the door but ran flat into the wall of muscle that was Joker, coming back in the building.
“Whoa! Hey, Kassi, what happened?” His large hands grasped my upper arms as he tried to get me to talk to him.
“Nu-nu-nothing. I gotta go,” I stammered as I broke loose and ran out the door.
I didn’t make it to my car before I heard a husky, female voice holler out to me.
“Hey you! Wait!” Turning, I saw it was the blonde, and her crazy ass was outside in that ridiculously-not-there outfit. She had on less clothes than I used to strip in, for fuck’s sake. She must be drunk or crazy. It was cold as a witch’s tit in Idaho! And call me a bitch, but I didn’t really have anything to say to his latest bed warmer.
“Look, I gotta get going….” I tried to keep walking, but she grabbed my arm, turning me toward her.
“Honey, he sent me out here to see if you needed something. Joker told us you were here to see Hacker, so he said to see what you needed. You look really upset. Are you okay?” Was I okay? Something between a laugh and a sob escaped me.
“No. Not really. But don’t worry about me. Tell him I’m good.” Raising my arm to pull it out of her grip, I started to walk backward. “I’ll talk to him another time.”
“He’s kind of a jerk, but he has a sweet spot for me. If you tell me what you need, I can go talk to him for you, and maybe I can get him to come out here to talk to you in private.” I think I’m going to throw up. He has a sweet spot for her? Oh God.
You know what? Maybe this was someone’s way of telling me to just let her tell him instead. Maybe that would save me the heartache of having to be near him but not be able to touch him. Use her as a go-between. Squeezing the bridge of my nose in an attempt to quell the headache building, I figured “what the hell.”
“Can you… can you just tell him I’m pregnant? I don’t want anything from him. I just wanted him to know. He knows how to get in touch with me.” Jesus, I wanted to die. The situation was so frigging humiliating.
“Oh! Whoa. And it’s his? You’re sure?” She really seemed sweet, despite her looks.
“Yeah. I’m sure.” My shoulders slumped. The whole situation sucked, and resignation slid over me.
“Okay, honey, let me go talk to him for you. I’ll be right back.” She trotted off to the door and slipped inside.
What the hell was I doing? Why had I told her that? Shit. I should have just sent a letter or something equally as cowardly. Now some stranger, who was in his bed mind you, knew my business. Great. Just frigging great.
In the cold swirling snow, I stood looking at the door she had entered, wondering if I should just go back in, but I didn’t. I waited.
And waited.
My stomach churned. Nausea roiled in me.
Finally, she came back out. Her expression told me it wasn’t good. What had I really expected?
“Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. He said he didn’t want to talk to you. I tried my best, and I told him it was important. Told him your situation, but…”—she looked so sorry for me—“he said he didn’t even know if it was his, and even if it was, he didn’t care because he didn’t want anything to do with it or you. You must not know him well, because everyone knows he doesn’t do relationships. God, honey, I hate to be the one to tell you this. The guys, though… they aren’t really family guys, and Hacker more so than the rest. I wish there was something I could do.” She had big tears gathering in her eyes.
He had called our baby an “it.” No matter how much I tried to explain to her that I knew it was his, she shook her head at me and told me I might want to look at other avenues because he wasn’t going to budge on this. She looked at me with such pity it drove stakes of pain into my body. Other avenues? What exactly did that even mean? Choking on a sob, tears streaking down my face in the cold wind, I turned and rushed to my car, slamming the door.
What the fuck was I going to do now? For the millionth time, I asked myself how this happened. Look, I wasn’t stupid, I knew how babies were made, but I had a fucking IUD. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Thankfully, the worthless thing hadn’t caused any damage to the growing baby and my doctor was able to take it out. Of course, it would mean frequent checkups to ensure all was progressing well and the little peanut was snug where it was supposed to be. I didn’t care. I would go in every day to make sure he or she was okay if I had to.
Obviou
sly, it was meant to be, if through all those odds, there the peanut was.
So I sat there crying, knowing I needed to get the hell out of there, but unable to concentrate enough to drive.
A sharp knocking on my window had me jumping. Looking out of the window in fear it would be him telling me to get the hell off their property, I was surprised when I saw a big grouchy-looking guy with a full beard and a few silver hairs at his temples. His leather vest had a patch that said Snow and President. So, I rolled down my window and he spoke, though it sounded more like a deep growl.
“You okay?” Sniffling and wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, I tried to hold it together.
“Umm, yeah. I’m sorry, I was just leaving.” He didn’t look convinced, but he let me back out, and as I pulled out of the gate and the prospect waved, I glanced in the rearview mirror to see him watching my car pull away with his thick arms crossed over his barrel chest. I drove down the road until I was sure I was out of sight from their club and pulled over to the edge.
Between my tears and the pain in my chest, I could barely drive.
God, despite my life being great on outward appearances, it had just crashed down around me, and no one was the wiser. Unless you counted the one who shattered my heart and life with his careless words… ones that he couldn’t even tell me himself.
Hacker. I told myself I hated him. But regrettably, my true feelings were far from that. Those feelings were the reason I wished I could fall in a hole.
Even though he had ignored me after that last night, I thought this would… shit, I didn’t think it would make him want me, or love me, but I thought he would at least want to be a part of his baby’s life. Instead, I sat trying to figure out how I was going to raise a baby as a single mother whose “baby daddy” wanted nothing to do with me or his own child.
At least I had my job in the bag before I started to show.
Fuck my life.
“Lost In You”—Three Days Grace
THINGS HAD BEEN REALLY quiet with the Demon Assholes. We were hopeful that they tucked tail and ran, but my gut told me they were just chilling somewhere, regrouping and waiting. Time would tell, but until then we were still on high alert for any shit.
Taking a sip of my Crown as I sat at the bar in the clubhouse, I thought of the night so long ago when I sat drinking a Crown with a beautiful brunette. Fuck. I couldn’t keep her out of my head for a day. Joker and I had been shooting the shit, and out of the blue, there she popped in my head. I was getting better at keeping her from taking over my every emotion, but fuck if my chest still didn’t ache at the thought of her.
Once again, I told myself I did the right thing. For both her and for me.
“This snow has been the shit, bro. My bike fucking thinks I forgot about her. Sometimes I think we should move the club somewhere warmer… like Florida or Texas.” Joker looked so damn miserable talking about his inability to ride his bike, I had to laugh. He and I had gotten pretty close over the last several months. Between him, Reaper, and Hollywood, they were probably my best friends, but since Reaper and Hollywood went and got families, it’s like I was always the third wheel, even if it was all of us together. Not to mention, it tore me apart being around their kids. It made my skin so tight I felt like I’d crack and bleed out.
Reaper’s wife, Steph, was the little sister of one of my best friends from high school, Sam, but he and I lost touch when I joined the Marines. Now, other than the occasional times we were all out at the same place, we didn’t really hang out. Of course, I was glad everything had worked out between them, and I loved that she was married to one of my brothers.
“Shit, man, you act like you haven’t ridden in a year.” Laughing, I couldn’t help but tease him for being a whiny little bitch. He glared at me as I continued to chuckle.
“Feels like it. ¡Chingado!”
“Pussy.”
“Dick.”
“What are you two bickering about?” I looked up from my drink to see Gretchen sidling up to me. As soon as she leaned against me, Joker hauled ass. Like I said, little bitch, leaving me alone with her. He knew I rarely messed with the club bitches, especially her. I let out a sigh when I heard him calling the next game with the winner between Gunny and Soap. Shit, I was on my own.
“What’s up, Gretchen? You need something?” Trying not to look her in the eye, I hoped she would get the hint I wasn’t interested in talking to her. Of course, that didn’t seem to give her the hint at all. Fuck.
The door to the clubhouse opened and closed, letting in a gust of cold, snowy air for a brief moment as Joker headed out to have a smoke before his game of pool. She leaned closer to me and ran her fingers through my hair before running her tongue along my neck. The door opened and slammed shut again. Goddamn, people. It was getting fucking cold in here. Jerking away from her and grabbing her hand, I glared at her.
“Fuck! What the hell, Gretchen? Don’t ever fucking touch me without me asking. Which, by the way, I never will.” At that moment, I saw over her shoulder, and the sight made my heart stop.
Fuck me. Why God? Are you trying to kill me? She shouldn’t be here. Inwardly, I groaned. She assaulted my senses even from across the room. The swirling bursts of snow that chased her in through the door carried her scent to me, leaving me feeling as if someone took me out at the knees. How did just her scent do that to me?
Knowing what I had to do to get her out of here, and hating myself for being such a piece of shit dick, I hauled Gretchen close to me with a hand on her ass and buried my nose in her neck as I continued to watch Kassi through Gretchen’s hair.
Just go. Please, go now. Don’t enter my space where I may not be able to fend off your assault on my soul….
My chest imploded when her hands covered her mouth. Blindly she turned and fought with the door to get out. Joker was just coming in, and she slammed into him. When his hands wrapped around her upper arms to steady her, jealousy and anger boiled up in me. He was my brother and friend, but if he didn’t get his hands off her soon, I was going to punch him in the throat.
See? That’s what I’m talking about! This single girl was fucking with my head, running my brain and feelings through an emotional blender. And making me jealous of my own brothers? Fucking hell.
She pushed away from him, darted around him, and lurched through the door. He looked at me in surprise, confusion, and then disgust. That’s when I realized I still held Gretchen by the ass and she was looking over her shoulder at the sight of the recent commotion. Shoving her away in revulsion, I felt vile. “Get the fuck away from me.” The calculating gleam in her eye and the twist of her red lips made me nervous without knowing why. Growling at her in loathing seemed to do the trick because she sneered at me and stomped off. Uncaring, I turned my back to her. The door opened and closed again. Good riddance.
Fucking-A! We needed to shitcan that nasty bitch. She did nothing but try to stir up trouble, but still I had blatantly used her to chase Kassi away, which had been a fucking douche move. The only people who messed with her anymore were the dumbass prospects who hadn’t figured shit out yet. Well, except for Reload, only because he still had a girlfriend. That is, until she got sick of him running for the club all the time, I figured.
Most women who weren’t familiar with club life had a hard time dealing with some of the shit. They had issues with things being club business and automatically assumed it meant we were fucking around on them. Like Becca had once thought. Regretfully, that thought process was what got her spunky little ass inadvertently kidnapped. She hadn’t trusted Hollywood, so she followed him where she shouldn’t have, ending up in the wrong place at the seriously wrong time.
Just another reason I didn’t think women needed to be around full time. They became a liability and a weakness to the brothers. Not that I didn’t love Cammie, Steph, Becca, Louise, and Mama, because I did. But they distracted the men who loved them. At least they weren’t my problem or concern 24/7.
That fucking
door opened again, and I turned around to bitch at who was opening and shutting it when I saw it was Gretchen coming back in. No matter how much of a bitch she was, I knew she hadn’t been responsible for the door each time, so I bit my tongue.
“What the fuck was that?” Joker said from behind me.
“No clue what you’re talking about,” was my monotone answer.
“Seriously? Kassi came to see you, and instead of talking to her, you chase her away. What the fuck, man?” My eyes flicked momentarily to his incredulous expression.
“I didn’t chase her away. I didn’t even talk to her.”
“No, you, who may I note never has a damn thing to do with any of the fucking skanks around here, just so happened to grab Gretchen’s ass as Kassi was coming in to talk to you. Total coincidence, right? I’m not buying it. You’ve become a real dumb fuck for someone who’s supposed to be so fucking smart.” His arm rested on the edge of the bar as he stood sideways trying to get me to pay attention to the conversation. Thing was, I wasn’t interested in conversation. Especially one that was about Kassi.
“If that’s what you think.” Chugging the last of my Crown without a glance in his direction, I jumped up from the stool, shoulder checked him, and walked to my room, slamming my door. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.
Throwing myself back on my bed, I opened my phone and went to my pictures. Scrolling through, I pulled up a picture of Kassi while she was hanging upside down from the pole, her blonde wig swept the ground and her hands trailing her body. God, I was a sick fuck.
There were probably hundreds of pics of her dancing, walking from her house to her car, working at the hospital. The dancing pics were from times when I acted absorbed in my phone, but I was actually zooming in to steal snapshots of her to have when her magnetic pull and my cravings for her got too bad. After the last time she stayed at my place, I slept in my guest bed for a week, because the sheets smelled like her. If anyone knew that, I’d never hear the end of it.
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