That big red flag was flapping loudly, but I hoped I was wrong. I hoped I was reading too much into his questions. Maybe my great pussy ego was coloring everything. I began second-guessing myself, which has always been a mistake.
The real problem came the night I called him over to fuck me. I’d had a really stressful day at work and felt like my editor was calling me stupid in her edit suggestions. I’d ranted as much as I could to friends, and then I started smoking. It calmed my nerves, but it also made me really horny. I had energy to burn, so I texted him. I asked if he would be able to handle it if I let him fuck me. He assured me he would. I knew he was lying, but I also needed some dick.
He came over as quickly as he could, considering it took more than an hour to drive from where he lived in New Jersey to Brooklyn. I could tell he was nervous. I think he’d been drinking on the drive over, which in turn made me nervous. I don’t like people who drink and drive, and selfishly, what if he got the bad kind of whiskey dick? The kind that made it difficult for him to stay hard. Sometimes, I wonder if I am psychic, but if I am, why can’t I win the lottery?
We settled into our usual routine of smoking together before he eats me out forever. And then it was time for him to fuck me, and of course, he couldn’t get it up. I tried to suck him to a reasonable hardness, but it wasn’t working well enough. I had dry mouth from smoking, and I just didn’t want to do it. I’d been fixing editing problems and dealing with a nice spiral brought on by imposter syndrome all day. I didn’t want to have to “fix” anyone or anything else that day. He was supposed to be making me forget my issues, but instead he was bringing his own to the table. He was making me work for my own stress relief, and that’s not how any of this was supposed to go. I was supposed to be living my pillow princess life, not acting as fluffer!
“Maybe I could eat your pussy some more?” he asked with his head tucked down. “It’ll help me stay hard.”
“Okay,” I said, but I was doubtful.
As good as his tongue was, I was losing interest in the night, and then he tried that move of rising up like he was going to slide inside me raw.
He hovered above me, the head of his dick close enough that if I moved my hips up, he would’ve been inside me.
“Is this okay?” he asked, breathless, his voice turned to seduction.
“No, I told you I don’t have sex without a condom.” I pushed him back and suggested he leave and we could try again some other time, which sent him into a slight panic. I must admit seeing this big barn door of a man pacing and wringing his hands because he’d disappointed me was amusing. It added an extra layer to my power trip and helped ease the sting of his poor performance.
He did leave, but he blew up my phone over the next several days, sending text after text of apology and explanation.
HIM: As far as the condom thing. I would never push you to do something that you didn’t want to or weren’t comfortable with.
Trust Me
I kinda blamed it on the condom but that has happened to me in the past when I’m with someone new. I get nervous thinking that you might not like it or I’m not good enough for you. I thought about it through the day that you enjoy me going down on you so much that what if you didn’t like sex with me. And it happened. I let it get to me and I couldn’t stay hard. Wednesday, September 6, 2017, 4:18 p.m.
HIM: I apologize for that. It has nothing to do with you. I think that you are beautiful and have an amazing body and I haven’t felt something that tight in awhile. I just put to [sic] much pressure on myself. Wednesday, September 6, 2017, 4:21 p.m.
As I read through his texts, my stomach felt queasy. The red flag I’d been ignoring was slapping me in the face. I didn’t want to have to put anyone in check or hear apologies. Worse than disappointing me with his malfunctioning dick, he had annoyed me. This was supposed to be him servicing me and leaving me alone. Now he expected comfort. I put him on time-out. For about two weeks. I told him I had needed a certain response from him and it was disappointing that he couldn’t provide it and that he tried to have sex without a condom, which is a no-go for me. He apologized some more, and I relented. I decided to give him another chance.
I don’t know if he took anything like Viagra or simply relaxed, but our next attempt at penetrative sex was much better. His penis was a respectable size, and it did what I needed it to do. But he kept pressuring me to go without a condom. Also…being with him that way made me hyper-aware of his size and strength. When I would grow tired or no longer interested in him fucking me, I’d try to push him off or slide away, and he would think I was coming, so he’d press down harder or try to hold me in place, like I was running from the dick. It would set off little panic fires under my skin and warning bells in my head.
Some nights, he would still have trouble staying as hard as he wanted, and he would keep begging me to let him try one more time. I would tell him no, that I wasn’t feeling it, but he’d keep asking until I’d ask him to leave or give in and cold-fish it through. I hated myself for that. I was betraying all the strength and confidence I’d built up. It made me resentful. If something didn’t go his way, he’d pout, and I did not want any of his feelings. He was giving me emotional work I didn’t want or need.
He was also making me nervous. I’d never really experienced this kind of blatant coercion.
ME: This is why I don’t like introducing sex because I don’t always want it and guys always think they can get it every time. It’s annoying. Thursday, November 2, 2017, 5:52 a.m.
You need to understand if I say no, I’m not trying to tease or get you to convince me. I’m 40. I know what I want and what I can handle.
I know you want yours but if I can’t do it, I can’t do it. Thursday, November 2, 2017, 10:16 a.m.
I told my friends I was going to end things with him soon. I didn’t like that he was making me physically uncomfortable during sex and that he pushed my boundaries. I resented that I had to keep softening my anger and concern because I was worried about how he would react. I could feel hatred burning the tips of my fear.
I was becoming concerned that he might force himself on me.
And then he did.
We’d met at the end of summer, and it was now Thanksgiving weekend. I let him come over because I was bored and lonely but didn’t want to hang out with friends. He pulled up a chair to the edge of my bed and ate me out for a solid hour before making noises that he wanted to fuck. I reluctantly agreed, and after his first orgasm, he wanted another round. I wasn’t feeling it and told him so, but he kept bothering me about it, rubbing his hand against my leg, saying he just wanted to try one more time. I gave in and let him get on top of me, but he started having trouble staying hard again.
“We should just call it a night,” I said as gently as I could.
“You just feel so good, and I want to make you feel like you make me feel. Just let me try one more time.” He was whining. I cannot stand the sound of anyone hitting that nasally begging tone. I’m honestly surprised my vagina didn’t turn into a tumbleweed right then and there. And yet, I figured if I gave in, he’d leave that much sooner.
“Okay, look,” I said, sitting up in bed on one elbow to look at him. “It’s not feeling good for me anymore.”
“Are you sore or something?” he asked in a clearly disbelieving tone. I rolled my eyes.
“No, this just isn’t doing much for me anymore. It just doesn’t feel good. But fine. You can try again, but after that, I’m done and you gotta go home.”
I lay back in bed, and he got on top. He kept sliding out and stroking himself before sliding back in. I eventually pulled a pillow halfway over my face, trying to signal I wasn’t really present for the moment, and he slid back inside me for the last time. After a few pumps, he seemed to get a good stroke and thickness going, and he came soon after. He snuggled next to me, and I dozed for about ten minutes before I woke up and told him he had to leave. I don’t let men spend the night.
He sat up in
bed and started twisting his hands.
“I gotta tell you something.”
The room started to turn a dark red around the edges of my vision.
“What?”
He kept stalling, and my voice felt thicker and lower each time I told him to spit it out. Anxiety, fear, and anger were crowding each other.
“You know that last time I was inside of you?” he asked me, his chin tucked into his chest.
“Yes,” I answered.
“Don’t be mad, but I took the condom off so I could stay hard, and you were feeling so good, I came inside you.”
My vision flashed red. I took a breath and demanded he find a twenty-four-hour pharmacy and get me Plan B. I was livid but trying not to have an outsize reaction.
He came inside me without my knowledge or consent.
He was going to let me lie there and fall asleep, hoping I’d let him spend the night.
The need for violence surged through me, but I felt I had to remain calm so that, if this escalated outside my bedroom, no one could accuse me of being emotional, despite his violation of so many of my boundaries.
He tried to talk me out of sending him to the store, claiming he didn’t know the area. He wouldn’t be able to find a place unless he went all the way back to New Jersey.
“Fine. You drive all the way to fucking New Jersey and then come right back. I cannot fucking believe you.” I put on jeans and a T-shirt while I ranted. Naked fighting is for boyfriends only.
Nerve on top of nerve, he tried to confess his feelings for me.
“I think you feel the same way, too, and you’re just afraid of giving in to your emotions. You remember that night when you wrapped your legs around my back real high and told me you wanted me to come for you? I came twice, back-to-back, and I’d never felt that before. I know you felt it, too. It was so intense.” He was still sitting on the bed, hands on either side of himself, stalling. He was really trying not to leave, which made me even angrier.
“I was trying to get you to hurry up! That wasn’t ‘feelings.’ I was just talking shit. I wanted you off of me.”
Verbal cruelty felt like the safest path as I considered again how much bigger he was. I went online and found the closest pharmacy that was still open, and he eventually went to get the emergency contraceptive. When he brought it back, I wouldn’t let him inside. He stood outside the building door and tried to simultaneously apologize and blame me.
“Nichole, I know you were feeling something for me, too. Remember when we went to the movies? You said yourself you don’t normally do that.”
“That doesn’t mean I had feelings for you. I just wanted to go to the movies.”
“Can I call you tomorrow after you’ve calmed down?” he asked me.
“No, I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” I finally looked him in his eyes so he could feel the full brunt of my anger. “I’ll let you know if the Plan B works or not. If it doesn’t, I’m gonna need you to pay for an abortion. I’m not having your child.” I wanted it to be clear. I would no longer soften my words. The hatred that had been burning the edges of my fear flamed high, scorching any kindness away.
If I got pregnant by this awful man, I would have an abortion, despite how badly I still wanted children, even at my “advanced” age.
He finally left but again started texting me sheets of apologies. Pardon me while I put my feminist card facedown, but his passive-aggressiveness and attempts at gaslighting were bitch-made.
HIM: Nichole will you please just talk with me about this. Let me explain myself to you. Can you at least give me that. If I meant anything to you then just let’s talk and hear me out please. Tuesday, November 28, 2017, 1:42 p.m.
ME: If I meant anything to you, you would not have done what you did. Tuesday, November 28, 2017, 2:03 p.m.
HIM: I want to start by telling you what you mean to me. Just please give me that chance. Tuesday, November 28, 2017, 2:08 p.m.
ME: I do not want to talk to you. Tuesday, November 28, 2017, 9:24 p.m.
HIM: None of this is about making me feel good. I am probably more hurt over this then [sic] you. Tuesday, November 28, 2017, 9:25 p.m.
HIM: There is so much more to you that I enjoyed then [sic] just the sex part. I would always try to make that clear to you. Ever since the day you opened the door when I met you I was just blown away by you. And everything after that just got better and better. I think that you are so beautiful in every way. I am crushed that I did something that stupid over a nut to jeopardize so much more of what this could have possibly become. Tuesday, November 28, 2017, 9:30 p.m.
HIM: I know you didn’t want a relationship but I did feel like it might eventually happen. We are the same age and you never told me how you felt but I was all in. You are independent, beautiful you stay looking good nails done hair done all the time. I seen you as a potential wife 100 I would tell my friends I met my wife. Tuesday, November 28, 2017, 9:35 p.m.
HIM: I am willing to do anything in the world to have a chance with you again. I wanted to tell you that if you forgive me for this it would be the last thing you ever had to forgive me for because I don’t want to be without you. I love everything about you. I just keep wanting to know more and more. Tuesday, November 28, 2017, 9:36 p.m.
HIM: I seriously have tears In my eyes rite [sic] now over this. Tuesday, November 28, 2017, 9:39 p.m.
HIM: I fucked up I know. I just wish you could have got to know more of me and see that I am a very nice loyal guy with a lot to offer. Tuesday, November 28, 2017, 9:41 p.m.
HIM: I wanted to do this face to face but I guess this is how it will be. Tuesday, November 28, 2017, 9:46 p.m.
HIM: I wish you would put everything aside and tell me how you felt about me for real. It’s not to make me feel better I just want to know. Tuesday, November 28, 2017, 9:48 p.m.
HIM: Are you still up? Tuesday, November 28, 2017, 11:33 p.m.
He started sending me roses and would text me to let me know they were on the doorstep of my building. He didn’t want anyone to walk away with them. The first time that happened, I picked up the roses with no incident. A week later, he sent another text with a picture of a bouquet of roses and a bag of McDonald’s at the door, warning me not to let rodents get to my food. I was annoyed, but I went downstairs to get the items and he was there. I tried to shut the door, but he pushed his foot inside and began demanding I let him come upstairs so we could talk. Panic was thick in my throat yet again as I worried that this bear of a man would force himself inside and attack me. I tried my best to push the door closed, but he pushed back, so I screamed. I think the scream scared him, because he let me close the door.
Hal kept texting and sending roses and McDonald’s. He placed an order via Uber Eats, and the driver texted me to say it was downstairs. I replied that I didn’t order anything, that he could have the food if he wanted. Then I apologized for wasting his time, and he said, “It’s okay. It happens a lot.” I guess a lot of people send apology meals that get rejected.
I didn’t want to block Hal’s number, because I felt like it was better to know when he was around than not.
I started worrying that he was parking near my apartment building, that he would follow me. I told my roommate, who was rarely at home, a brief outline of what was going on. She liked to leave the building door open, and I needed her to stop. I didn’t want her asking me a million questions, so I told her an ex was popping by without permission and she should not let anyone in or leave the door unlocked. She made the appropriate noises, but it clearly didn’t sink in, because one night, Hal slipped a note under my bedroom door.
Our apartment took up the entire second floor. My bedroom had a separate entrance, so I didn’t have to come through the main part of the apartment. He’d come over and pushed a six-page handwritten letter under my door. Here’s a small excerpt, with his spelling and grammar intact:
Nichole
I want to start by saying there has not been a day that has gone by that y
ou are not on my mind. It has been a month since i have seen you. Everything was going so perfect between us. I feel like you were opening up to me and letting me in. I felt like i was doing everything rite to keep you happy.
I wish i did not contact you when you asked. I feel now that you were testing me. It was hard for me then to see that. I had the emotion of guilt. Something that i am not used to. It’s that we were not even having problems. Things between us were getting better and better weekly. I was and still am torn over that night. I just wanted to make everything rite and show you that i didn’t want you to think i would walk away on you. I guess i tried to fast and i didn’t give you the time you needed. I was only trying to show you how sorry i was. My intentions were never to scare you. I let you know the times i was there. The time i put my foot in the door i just wanted you to hear me out. I am a big guy if I wanted to I could have pushed the door open. You had all your weight on the door and it was squashing my foot. Thats why i kept putting force back. I remember in your texts you saying about me ignoring your wishes. At that time i was so hurt myself and so worried about losing you that i could not see all of this at that time. I was stupid and selfish and not thinking of how you felt. I feel so ashamed that i showed my worst side to the best thing that i have ever had. I enjoyed every second I spent with you in and out of the bedroom. I used to like taking you out because you used to get dressed up and look so good everytime. I did that also to show you that it wasn’t all about sex that i liked. It was you.
Nichole since the day i met you, i thought you were so beautiful. I will never forget when you opened the door. You had your hair natural and had blonde in it and i could not believe what i was about to pleasure. Then it started and from what you have told me we were both in heaven. I have never in my entire life enjoyed pleasuring anyone the way i do to you. I feel like everyone i have ever met has prepared me for you. Everytime i am with you i put so much passion into pleasuring you and i have never done that with anyone before until you. I could never get tired of pleasuring you ever. Your taste your scent your soft skin would drive me crazy everytime i have ever spent with you. Our sexual chemistry to me is like no other. The sex we had just got better and better. That night when i started to make love to you by far the best sex I ever had in my life. When I held you and you grabbed me back and with the things you were saying there is just no way you could have not been feeling exactly how I was.
Sometimes I Trip On How Happy We Could Be Page 13