‘Actually, it was. Sunday was grand. We had years to catch up on so lots to talk about.’
‘And last night?’
I pushed a chunk of chicken round my plate with a piece of naan bread while I found the right words. It had started so well. We’d continued to reminisce about our time in Ballykielty. Daran had reassured me that not going into the priesthood had been right for him. He’d still been able to do God’s work overseas and continued to do so now in his local community.
I told him about Da’s claims that he’d been unfaithful to me. Although I was convinced that it had been Da’s vindictive lies, it was reassuring to look Daran in the eye and hear him declare emphatically that I had been – and still was – the only one for him. I liked the ‘had been’ part, but the ‘still was’ concerned me.
After eating, we moved to the sofa. He held me and kissed me, and it was lovely, but something was missing. He whispered again that he still loved me, and I so wanted to be able to say that I felt the same, but I really wasn’t sure, which made no sense, because I’d dreamed of a moment like this for so long. Closing my eyes, I tried to focus on what it had been like when we’d been together in the farmhouse, hoping to recapture the passion and longing I’d felt for him back then, but my mind kept picturing Jamie Doyle instead. Looming over me. Laughing. Hurting me.
As Daran’s hand slid up my bare leg and caressed my thigh, I froze. I was back in the farmhouse, pinned down by a man whose intentions were very clear. No! I had to stop thinking like that. This was Daran. He loved me. ‘Pinned’ was the wrong word. He was gentle. It wasn’t forced. I could move. I could escape. I could say no. And I did. The moment his fingers touched my panties, I screamed.
Daran leapt off me immediately, absolutely distraught. He couldn’t apologise enough for taking things too far, too soon.
‘It’s not that,’ I whispered, sitting forward on the sofa with my head in my hands. ‘I know it happened seventeen years ago but my memory has only just come back and it’s like I was raped a few days ago. I’m sorry, Daran. I can’t do this.’
He held me as I sobbed, then drove me back to the farm, apologising all the way. But it wasn’t his fault. It was Jamie Doyle’s for what he’d done. It was Da’s for separating us. And it was mine for falling out of love with Daran and not being able to find the words to tell him.
‘Clare?’ Ben asked, bringing me back to the present.
‘Sorry. Lost in my thoughts. It was lovely. He was lovely.’ I put my unfinished meal on the coffee table. ‘Can we watch a film?’
‘Anything in particular?’
‘Something that doesn’t require much concentration.’
‘Sounds good. I’ll clear these away first. Another beer?’
‘Another five, please.’
‘It’s like that, is it?’
‘Be grateful it’s not another ten.’
Ben stood up. ‘I’ll get you the number of that counsellor tomorrow.’
‘Yes, please.’
I’d actually necked six bottles by the time the film ended and was halfway down my seventh. I felt more relaxed than I’d felt in a long time, grateful for the slight fuzziness in my head to numb the bad stuff.
‘Great, big, steaming pile of shite,’ I said, as the credits rolled.
‘Really? I didn’t think it was that bad.’
‘It was.’
‘Why did you hate it?’ Ben asked, taking a glug from his bottle. Despite his protests that he had to work the next day, he’d managed to match me drink for drink and he was slurring his words.
‘Plot was okay. Couple of holes. Nothing major. What was shite was the chemistry between the leads, cos there was shag all! Weren’t they meant to be dating in real life when the film was made? No wonder they split up.’
‘Didn’t think they were that bad. Pretty steamy sex scenes.’
I nodded. ‘Yep. But the rest of it had zero chemistry, especially the kissing. It was like watching my parents kiss. Actually, don’t think I ever saw them kiss, but that’s what I imagine it would be like. Complete lack of passion. Surely any half-decent actor can convince an audience that they’re in love. I reckon that even I, with no acting training at all, could fake a passionate kiss and have anyone believe I was madly in love with the man I was kissing, even if I hated him.’
‘I bet you couldn’t.’
‘You bet I couldn’t? Are you challenging me to win the king back?’
‘No! Just a turn of phrase, but if you want to see it as a dare, Irish, that’s up to you. Not sure who you’re planning to kiss, though.’
It absolutely was a dare. Well, if he was stupid enough to dare me when he was the only man around… I leaned forward on the sofa and planted my lips on his, and held them there for a few moments, fully expecting him to laugh and pull away when it got too much. But he didn’t. Ah! I knew what he was up to. The eejit was challenging me to be the first to pull away, then he’d say I’d lost the challenge and he’d get to keep the king – faked chemistry or no faked chemistry. Bollocks to him. No way was he going to win that easily. I opened my mouth slightly and gently kissed him. He responded. Mr Daring! I parted my lips a little more and cheekily slipped out my tongue, then gasped as he did the same. Most unexpected and most pleasurable. His kiss became more urgent and his hands found their way into my hair. I let out a soft moan as something stirred in me that hadn’t stirred for so long. It certainly hadn’t stirred with Daran over the last couple of days. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. What’s he doing to me? Playing me at my own game, of course. He was showing that he could fake passion and chemistry too. Right. He’d asked for it.
I wrapped my arms round him and held him tightly, kissing him with more fervour. We lay back on the sofa, legs entwined, hands running through each other’s hair. I knew one of us had to break soon, because the point had definitely been proved and this was going beyond a stupid dare. But I didn’t want it to be me.
As I ran my fingers through Ben’s hair and down his back, all I could think about was ripping his shirt off, liberating him of his jeans and surrendering myself to him completely. I didn’t feel afraid, like I had when I’d screamed the night before as Daran touched me. I didn’t feel anxious. I just felt… oh my God! I felt absolutely everything. Every nerve ending fizzed.
Ben began to trail light kisses across my face to my neck and ears. A shiver of delight ran through me as I arched my body in response to his touch. Why were we still kissing? We didn’t fancy each other. We hadn’t been flirting. How had we got to this point? This wonderful, amazing point? Because of a dare. Because we were both too stubborn to stop. I was determined to win the king and Ben wanted to keep him. What a pair of eejits we were. It made no difference to me in my fiercely single status, but he had Lebony. Dare or no dare, this was surely being unfaithful, and Ben wasn’t that kind of man. I had to stop it. I had to… Oh Christ, Ben, just take me to bed!
A shrill ringing broke us apart. Saved by the bell. Ben pulled away looking completely shell-shocked, as if he’d expected it be Lebony opposite him, not me. What the hell had I done?
‘I’d better get that. Sorry,’ he muttered, grabbing his phone and disappearing into the kitchen with it. I thought I heard him say, ‘Hi, Lebony,’ but that could have been my guilty conscience.
I stood in the middle of the lounge, trying to recover my breathing, feeling suddenly very sober. I ran my fingers through my dishevelled hair, shaking my head. Feck! That was close. If his phone hadn’t rung, we’d… Well, we might have… Surely not… No, one of us would have had the sense to declare that the dare had gone too far. I just wasn’t sure it would have been me. Feck, shit, bollocks! I grabbed my drink from the coffee table and slumped back onto the sofa, gulping the rest of it down in one.
When Ben returned to the lounge ten minutes later, he looked pretty sheepish. ‘Sorry about that. I… er… you know I can’t stand ringing phones.’ He stood awkwardly for a moment, his hands in the back pockets of his jeans, nearly overbalan
cing as he rocked on the spot. ‘Sorry.’
I needed to regain my composure and act normally. ‘I think you need to give me something, don’t you?’ I held out my hand to him.
He gulped. ‘You really want to do this?’
‘Of course. I wouldn’t have kissed you like that if I hadn’t wanted it so badly.’ I winked at him. ‘Are you going to make me beg for it?’
‘I… er… I don’t know if this is such a good idea.’
‘What do you mean? I won him fair and square. Unless you’re going to try to make out that you didn’t believe the fake chemistry.’
Ben closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head. ‘The king. Of course. Well done. That was some pretty amazing acting.’
‘Thank you. You were pretty amazing yourself. Hand him over, then.’ I put my hand out again and Ben dropped the king into my palm. ‘I’m seriously impressed with how far you took that, especially when you’re the one with the girlfriend. I’ve no idea why she spends her time abroad, when she’s got that on offer at home.’
Ben stiffened. ‘Yeah, well, life doesn’t always turn out the way we’d like it to, does it?’ He turned and left the room.
Awkward. I waited. And waited. And waited.
It was a good ten minutes before Ben reappeared. ‘Sorry about that. My mobile rang again while I was upstairs. It was Pete.’
‘Pete who threw the crappiest New Year’s Eve party in the history of the world?’
Ben nodded. ‘He’d invited me down The King George tonight with some of the lads and I said no, in case you needed me. It’s Pete’s birthday and they’re pestering me to come down…’
‘Oh. So…?’
‘Well, I said I’d go. I’d invite you but it’s blokes only and, well, you’ve met some of them and they’re not exactly… erm… It’s just…’
I jumped to my feet. ‘It’s grand. You go. You were probably planning to before I demanded an Indian and a movie, weren’t you? You should have told me.’
‘You’ll be okay on your own?’
‘Of course. I’ll unpack, then get to bed.’
Ben nodded. ‘I’m at work early in the morning so I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night.’
‘Grand. See you tomorrow.’
It was only when he’d gone that I looked at my watch and realised it was 11.15 p.m. Who went out to join their mates at a pub at 11.15 p.m. on a Tuesday night, when they had to be up early the next day? I’d completely bollocksed things up with that kiss, hadn’t I? He couldn’t get away from me fast enough. If that had been Lebony calling the first time, I couldn’t blame him for wanting out. That had been some intense kissing and he probably felt fifty shades of guilty. Ooh, speaking of fifty shades… I put my fingers up to my red cheeks. I had to stop thinking about that right now. All that had happened was that the trust and friendship I had for Ben had triggered some dormant feelings. Not for him – just for a relationship. Although kissing Daran, the former love of my life, hadn’t had the same effect, which meant... Stop it! It was a one-off and, while extremely pleasurable, it will never happen again.
51
‘We’ve got amazing news,’ announced Shannon, the moment she spotted me approaching the following day. Callum was seated beside the bed, cuddling a sleeping Luke. Seeing my family together like that, smiling so warmly at me, I could have cried again but with happiness this time.
‘Amazing news would be very welcome,’ I said.
‘They’re letting me out.’
‘Oh my God! That certainly is amazing. When?’
‘Friday.’
‘Jesus! So soon? And that’s Good Friday, isn’t it?’
‘I know. Very good Friday for me. Apparently, I’ve made great progress,’ she said, grinning.
‘Oh, Shannon, I’m so thrilled for you. I bet you can’t wait to get out of here.’
‘We’re so excited. It’s been a tough couple of months but we can finally start our lives as a family now.’ She gazed lovingly at her fiancé and son, then her expression darkened. ‘How was the funeral?’
I sighed and shook my head as I perched on the edge of her bed. ‘Not quite what I expected. Ma was plastered, had another go at me, and revealed the reason why she hates me so much and it affects you too. It turns out I’m not actually her biological daughter, which means you’re not her granddaughter.’
Shannon’s eyes widened but she didn’t say anything.
‘Apparently my da was seeing Ellen Shaughnessy, our neighbour over the road, for twenty years and it turns out that she’s my real mother and your grandma.’
‘Oh. Wow! That’s unexpected. What’s she like?’
‘She’s lovely, Shannon. Really lovely. And I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to discover we’re not really related to Ma because she’s a very wicked woman. Ellen is dying to fly over to England to meet her new family but she doesn’t want to rush you. Whenever you’re ready.’
She exchanged glances with Callum. ‘I’d love to meet her as soon as we’re out of here and settled.’
I took a deep breath. ‘I’ve got some even bigger news. It’s about your da.’
‘He’s not the trainee priest?’
‘It’s definitely Daran. But it turns out he wasn’t killed in the tsunami like we thought…’
I had a lovely day at the hospital with my family. Shannon squealed excitedly when I told her that Daran was dying to meet her and would fly over next week if she felt ready. Her squeals woke Luke up, so he added his own louder squeals to hers.
She was desperate to know all about our relationship and how it felt seeing him again after so many years. I gave her the edited highlights, deliberately leaving out any mention of what had happened between us on Monday night.
‘We wanted to talk to you about moving,’ Callum said over lunch. ‘We’ve done some research and we think that Whitsborough Bay looks pretty decent. Neither of us have been there before so we want to explore before we commit to living there so we’ve booked a holiday cottage for two weeks from Friday in a place called Little Sandby.’
Little Sandby. It rang a bell. ‘Oh! That’s where my friends Elise and Stevie live.’
‘Is it nice?’ Shannon asked.
‘I’ve only been there once but it’s a really pretty village.’
‘We’d like you to stay with us. If, like, you’re free,’ Callum said. ‘There are three bedrooms so Ben can stay, or Shannon’s dad when he comes over next week. Luke’ll sleep in our room.’
‘I’d love to stay. Thank you. So what happens if you like the place?’
‘Then we find somewhere to rent until we can buy next June, when my inheritance comes through,’ Shannon said. ‘Do you think we’ll like it, Mum?’
My heart melted as she called me that. ‘Yes. I think you will. But if you don’t, we’ll find somewhere else that’s right for us all.’ I didn’t really care where it was, as long as we were together, although I couldn’t help hoping they’d love it. The more I thought about it, the more Whitsborough Bay felt like home. And Seashell Cottage was the place I wanted to settle. I only hoped I wasn’t too late and it hadn’t sold already.
Luke was going to stay with Callum at Jimmy’s until Shannon was discharged. It didn’t make sense to disrupt the routine and bring him home with me, so I said my goodbyes and choked back the tears when Shannon hugged me.
As I drove through Leeds later that afternoon, I found myself hoping that Ben wouldn’t be late home from work so I could share the news with him – and so I could apologise for taking the dare too far the night before. My body fizzed again as I thought about lying on the sofa, kissing him. Why did it keep doing that?
The house was in silence, but that was fair enough, as Ben didn’t usually get home till after six and it was only half five. I dumped my handbag on the kitchen worktop and looked round at the steriliser, bottle warmer, empty bottles and teats. I might as well start packing, although I’d maybe start upstairs.
Four hours later, I’d packed most of Luk
e’s possessions and had even managed to disassemble his cot, despite not being able to find the instructions. There was still no sign of Ben. My stomach growled in protest at the late hour without food, so I padded downstairs and made some cheese on toast.
✉︎ To Ben
Where are you? Getting worried! Hope you’re not avoiding me after last night. Pleasurable as it was, I promise not to force you to repeat it! ;-) xx
* * *
✉︎ From Ben
Forgot to say. Working really late. Back about midnight. Don’t wait up
I frowned. Those last few words sounded like an order, i.e. he absolutely didn’t want me to wait up because he was avoiding me. No! It was just a text. People are curt in texts. I shook my head. I was curt in texts – Ben wasn’t. Bollocks. I should never have got drunk and thrown myself at him like that, dare or no dare.
I picked up the number of the counsellor he’d left me on the kitchen worktop. It was a Leeds landline. If we were moving to Whitsborough Bay, a Leeds-based counsellor wasn’t going to work for me. I’d call her in the morning, though, and see if she could recommend anyone on the coast instead.
I’d just turned towards the stairs when my phone rang and, as soon as I saw the name on the screen, I cursed myself.
‘Daran! I’m so sorry. I completely forgot.’ I was meant to have FaceTimed him at eight. How had I forgotten that?
I lay in bed, watching the clock, and listening for the sound of Ben’s key turning in the lock around midnight. I hated that I hadn’t seen him that day. Having previously found his home a haven, even when on my own, it had felt empty and lonely without his easy banter.
Even though I’d had a good chat with Daran on the phone, I’d found myself wishing it had been Ben who I was talking to about my plans for the future. But that was only because Ben would have been excited for me about the move, whereas Daran suggested that if I wanted the coast and the countryside, I couldn’t go far wrong with Wicklow.
Coming Home to Seashell Cottage Page 29