Feeling as though she was dying right before his eyes, she turned her back to him and fought to pull herself together. She’d known all along that his time here would be brief. She’d understood that their affair could only be short-lived. She’d chosen to grab what happiness she could, for however long she could. It was now over, and she couldn’t get all clingy and embarrassingly weepy.
“Will I…ever see you again, Mac?”
He was silent for a long time, and while she waited, the urge to turn and fling her arms around his neck was so great that she prayed to God to give her strength to keep from sobbing, begging him to stay.
“That’s hard to say, Ileana. Maybe. Someday.”
Summoning up all the courage she could find, she turned and gave him a wobbly smile. “Well, if you ever get sick and need a doctor, you know where to find one.”
He looked miserable, and she was certain her heart was cracking right down the middle. Quickly, before he could make any sort of reply, she rose on her toes and pressed a kiss on his cheek.
“Goodbye, Mac. Travel safely,” she whispered, then fled from the room before he could see her tears begin to fall.
Chapter Twelve
A month later, as Mac drove home from work, he glanced down at the badge on his chest and wondered why he had the urge to rip the piece of silver off his shirt and toss it out the window.
This wasn’t like him. He’d always been proud of his job. He’d always felt it was his purpose in life. But ever since he’d returned from New Mexico, he’d felt little joy in anything.His father had been an admired sheriff, who’d been elected term after term. Mac had always wanted to follow in Owen’s footsteps, to be just as tough and fearless as he’d been. But finding Frankie had changed all that. Now he kept asking himself if he was too much like his father, too obstinate and selfish to ever have a lasting relationship with any woman.
Who the hell was he kidding? He wasn’t thinking about a relationship with just any woman. He was thinking about Ileana. That’s all he’d been thinking about these past four weeks. Walking away from her had been like slicing off his arms, leaving him incapable of reaching for any sort of happiness.
He was losing a battle to push Ileana from his mind, when he turned down the drive to his house and spotted his brother’s truck parked near the front gate. Ripp lived thirty miles away. Unless he was here on sheriff’s business, it wasn’t like him to be out at night and away from his wife and children.
After parking and hurrying into the house, Mac found his younger brother in the kitchen making a pot of coffee.
“What the hell are you doing here? What’s happened?” Mac blurted out.
Ripp sauntered over to the cabinet and pulled down two cups. “Nothing’s happened. I’ve just brought you something to eat, that’s all.”
Slightly relieved, Mac pulled off his hat and began to unbuckle the holstered pistol from his waist. “I usually manage to eat without you driving thirty miles in the dark to feed me.”
“That’s what I was thinking, too. But Margie says you haven’t been going by the Cattle Call, so that tells me you’re not eating.”
Ripp carried two plates over to a small round table and tossed two forks next to them. “Lucita made a batch of tamales. She thought you might like some, and it was going to disappoint her if I didn’t bring them to you. She’s worried that we hardly ever hear from you.”
Mac washed his hands at the kitchen sink, then grabbed a bottle of beer from the refrigerator. As he twisted off the lid, he looked at his brother. “This sudden concern for me is touching, but I don’t get it. There’s nothing wrong. If you’d bothered to pick up the phone and call me, I could have told you that and saved you a trip over here.”
Ripp frowned. “Damn it, Mac, don’t give me that crap. I’ve called you several times since you’ve gotten back from New Mexico, and each time you end the conversation before I ever get started.”
“I never was much of a phone talker.”
Leaning his head back, Ripp chuckled with disbelief. “You, not a phone talker? God, you are messed up.”
Mac bit back a sigh. “Ripp, I’m perfectly okay.”
“That’s not what Sheriff Nichols says.”
Mac lowered the beer bottle from his mouth. “You’ve talked to him about me? You went behind my back?”
Ripp went over to the microwave and pulled out a plate of tamales. “Before you get on your high horse, I didn’t do anything behind your back. Sheriff Nichols called me. He’s worried about you.”
Stunned now, Mac walked over and flopped into one of the dining chairs. “I haven’t made any mistakes on the job.”
Ripp pulled out a chair and joined his brother at the table. “He never said you did. You’re usually the life of the party, Mac. But the whole sheriff’s department can see that you’re miserable. They don’t understand what’s happened, and they’re concerned.”
A curse was on the tip of Mac’s tongue, but at the last second he pulled it back. Ripp was right. He wasn’t behaving like himself, and it was wrong to be lashing out at his brother.
Propping his elbows on the table, he dropped his head in his hands. “Sorry, Ripp. I know I’ve been acting like a miserable bastard. I guess that’s because I am.”
“Why?”
Mac’s head jerked up and he stared absurdly at his brother. “Hell, Ripp, do you have to ask? I’ve repeated every word to you that Frankie said. Does it make you happy to know that our father was a liar? That he was threatening and abusive?”
Ripp leaned casually back in his chair, and Mac could only wonder how his brother could be so calm and sensible about the whole thing. Even when he’d first come home and given Ripp the news about Frankie and her reasons for leaving, his brother had taken it all in stride.
“Not particularly. But I’ve come to realize that Dad wasn’t a superhero. He was just a man with faults.”
“He led us to believe our mother didn’t want us.”
Ripp nodded. “Yeah. That was wrong. Really wrong. But on the other hand, he loved us and devoted his life to raising us. I’d rather look at his good points than dwell on the bad.” Ladling a couple of tamales on his plate, he glanced pointedly at Mac. “But I don’t think this stuff about our parents is the thing that’s really bothering you. I think something happened to you while you were in New Mexico. Something that’s changed you.”
Damn it, why was his brother so good at seeing through him? Or had his time with Ileana changed him so much that it showed on the outside?
Trying to make his face a blank mask, Mac tilted the beer to his lips. After downing several swallows, he said, “I found our mother, Ripp. A mother we’ve not seen in thirty years. Isn’t that enough to change a man?”
“I would hope so.”
“What does that mean?” he asked dourly.
Picking up his fork, Ripp whacked off a bite of tamale. “It means that you should be feeling better about everything. Hell, Mac, we went for nearly thirty years not knowing whether our mother was alive or dead. You found her. She’s alive and she still loves us.”
Mac’s jaw tightened on Ripp’s last words. “How do you know that? You’re not the one who faced her! I was! You don’t know how the woman feels about us.”
Ripp helplessly shook his head. “Lucita and I have plans to visit her in a couple weeks.”
Mac looked at him in surprise. “You’re going to see her?”
“Of course. She’s our mother, and no matter what she’s done, nothing will change that.” Ripp’s gaze leveled pointedly at his brother. “Look, Mac, you need to stop and realize that both our parents made mistakes—stupid mistakes. But they both loved us in their own way. If you can’t understand that—if you can’t forgive them—then you’re never going to be happy about anyone or anything.”
Mac’s gaze dropped sullenly to his plate. “Dad’s gone. I can’t talk to him about any of this.”
“No. But Frankie is alive and she still matters.”
&
nbsp; Mac’s fingers gripped the neck of the beer bottle. “What makes you think I haven’t forgiven her?”
Ripp didn’t immediately reply, and Mac looked up to see his brother thoughtfully studying him.
“Have you?” Ripp asked.
“I guess not,” Mac admitted with a guilty grimace.
“Don’t you think it’s about time you made another trip back to New Mexico? Besides seeing our mother, I think there’s someone else there who you need to see.”
Mac’s eyes opened wide. “Why do you say that?”
Ripp chuckled. “You figure it out, big brother.”
A week earlier in Ruidoso, Ileana was in her clinic, going over important test results of a ten-year-old patient. The results had turned out to be wonderful news. The child didn’t have leukemia as she’d first feared but a simple infection that had altered his blood count. Ileana was greatly relieved. Yet even this little miracle was not enough to push the heavy weight from her heart.Nearly a month had passed since she’d told Mac goodbye. She’d not heard one word from him since then. But then she’d not expected to. She’d somehow known that once he returned to Texas he would be out of her life for good. Yet even knowing this, her heart still went into overdrive each time her phone rang. And each time it wasn’t him on the other end of the line, her heart sank just that much lower.
For those brief few days in February, Mac had changed her life, and deep down she wanted to believe that she’d changed his. With each day that passed, she hoped and prayed that he would come to realize that he cared for her, that he didn’t want to live without her. Yet she also realized that was romantic fantasy. Mac was back in his world, a world that she had no part in.
Ileana’s miserable thoughts were suddenly interrupted when a light knock sounded on the door and her mother stepped into the room. She was carrying a white paper sack and, guessing from the odor emanating from it, Chloe had just stopped by a local fast-food restaurant.
“Hi, honey,” she greeted her with a smile. “Got time for a little lunch?”
Ileana rose from the desk chair and crossed the floor to plant a kiss on her mother’s cheek.
“I suppose I could stop for a few minutes. What do you have in the sack?”
“Hamburgers and French fries, what else?” Chloe said with a laugh. “And don’t start preaching about the fat and cholesterol. A person has to cheat once in a while.”
Smiling wanly, Ileana pulled up a chair to the front of the desk for her mother to use, then followed it with one for herself.
“Okay, I won’t scold you today. I’m all out of scoldings anyway. I’ve seen some very self-negligent patients this morning. They won’t do a single thing to improve their health.”
Chloe pulled one of the wrapped burgers from the paper sack and handed it to Ileana. “Hmm. Maybe it’s a case of monkey see, monkey do.”
Ileana took a seat next to her mother. “You’re going to have to decipher that for me, Mother.”
“That doesn’t need explaining. Your patients can see that their own doctor isn’t doing anything to improve her health, so why should they bother?”
Rolling her eyes, Ileana shook her head. “Mother, what are you doing in town, anyway? I thought you were taking that mare up to Santa Fe for breeding today?”
“That’s tomorrow. I had a few errands to run today. One of them being you.”
“Me?”
“That’s right. And don’t change the subject on me. Why aren’t you doing anything to improve your health? A good doctor like you should know better.”
Frowning, Ileana bit into the sandwich and began to chew. Chloe groaned with frustration.
“Know better than what?” Ileana asked after she’d swallowed. “I’m perfectly fine.”
“Sure you are. You’ve only fallen into a pit of depression. You’ve lost weight and your eyes are circled. The few times you’ve stopped by the house, you say three or four words then leave. I’ve never seen you like this, and it worries your father and me. It especially worries us because you’re not trying to do one damned thing about it.”
Ileana sighed. “Mother, I told you I wouldn’t scold you, so why are you doing this to me? I’ve already had a heck of a day. Are you trying to ruin what’s left of it?”
“I’m trying to open your eyes, Ivy. You’re miserable, and it’s high time you do something about it.”
Ileana looked down at the burger in her hands. Food was not what she wanted. She didn’t want anything, except Mac. To see his face, hear his voice. “There’s nothing I can do about it, Mother,” she mumbled. “I simply need time.”
“Time? For what?”
Ileana glanced over at her mother. The expression on Chloe’s face was more than impatient; it was fed up.
“To gather myself together,” Ileana answered lamely. “Can’t you understand that?”
“Frankly, no. Since Mac went back to Texas you’ve become a zombie, and I can’t see time making anything better.”
Plopping the burger down, Ileana rose to her feet and began to walk aimlessly about the room. There wasn’t any use in denying her mother’s words. It would be silly of her to try to pretend that Mac’s leaving hadn’t devastated her.
“Mother, Mac has gone home to his life in Texas. His life never was here with me.”
“Do you want it to be?”
Pausing in front of the bay window, Ileana looked at her with faint surprise. “I’ve never let myself think that far,” she said in a strained voice. “It was always obvious that he wasn’t serious about me, but I fell in love with him in spite of knowing that. What I want doesn’t factor into anything.”
Rising from her seat, Chloe walked over and gripped Ileana by the shoulders. “What you want should factor into everything, Ivy! If you love the man, you don’t just sit back and wish and wonder and hope that things were different. You’ve got to take action.”
“Action?” Ileana repeated in a dazed voice.
“Yes! Like going to Texas and telling Mac exactly how you feel. Because I have a terrible feeling that you let him go without saying one word about loving him.”
Ileana’s face turned beet red. “Dear Lord, Mother, how could I have mentioned the word love to the man? We hadn’t known each other long enough!”
“You knew him long enough to fall in love with him, didn’t you?”
Ignoring that question, Ileana countered, “He didn’t want to hear anything like that from me. Mac is—He’s a true bachelor.”
“Your father believed he was a true bachelor, too. Until he met me,” Chloe pointed out, then with an understanding smile, she cupped her palm alongside Ileana’s face. “Darling, for years now I’ve watched you stand in the shadows, believing that no worthy man could ever want you. When Mac come along, I was so happy to finally see my lovely daughter come alive. You deserve to be happy, Ileana.”
Tears suddenly filled Ileana’s eyes. “Oh, Mom, what—what if I go to him and he doesn’t care? What if he’s just not interested?”
Chloe gave her an encouraging smile. “Then he’s not the man you believed he was and you’ll find the strength to move on. But asking yourself what-ifs isn’t going to solve anything.”
Hope tried to flicker in Ileana’s heart as she hugged her mother close. “I’ll call Dr. Nichols and see if he can run the clinic for a few days.”
Two days after Ripp’s late-night visit, Mac tossed a suitcase onto his bed and blindly began to toss in underwear and shirts. The afternoon was already growing late and he’d planned to leave for New Mexico this morning, but an emergency had forced him to change his plans. Several days of rain had flooded the Bianco Creek and Mac, along with several other deputies, had been called out to keep the highway clear of traffic, while ranchers drove their cattle to higher ground.At least the task had gone off without a hitch and he’d even managed to talk Randal into filling in for him for a few extra days. And he just might need it, Mac thought grimly. Once he got to the Bar M, he had no idea how Ileana was goin
g to greet him. These past few weeks since he’d been back in Texas, he’d not heard a word from her.
Hell, Mac, did you really think a woman like her would stop to give a guy like you a second thought? You’re just a simple county deputy. Do you think she’ll even give a damn when you show back up on her doorstep?
Yes, he shouted back to the nagging voice in his head. Ileana wasn’t a snob. Her wealth didn’t determine her friends or the life she led. So what if she hadn’t told him that she loved him. She’d given him the most private part of herself—something she’d never done with any man before. That had to mean something.
And you never told her you love her, Mac.
Pausing, Mac took a moment from his packing to look around him. For years he’d told himself that this old ranch house and the few cattle he owned were all that he wanted. He’d convinced himself that being a deputy was enough to make his life feel purposeful. And maybe it had been. On the surface he’d been happy enough. But meeting Ileana had changed all that.
Yes, finding his mother had shaken his foundation and made him realize things about his life that he’d not understood before. But Ileana was the one who’d filled his heart, who’d made him see what loving really meant. He didn’t know why he’d not recognized how much he loved her before he’d left the Bar M. Walking away from her had been painful, but the empty days afterward had opened his eyes like nothing else ever had. Now he could only hope and pray that he meant something to her, something more than a bed partner.
He carried the two duffel bags into the living room and dropped them near the door, then walked back to the kitchen to make sure all the small appliances were turned off. He was giving the room one last inspection when he heard someone knocking.
Frowning at the interruption, he hurried through the house while wondering who could be showing up at his door in the middle of the afternoon. If he were needed back at the department, his coworkers would call. Ripp and Lucita had left for Fort Worth to purchase a horse for Mingo’s birthday, so it couldn’t be his brother showing up with another basket of food.
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