by Irvine Welsh
– Are you on something? he asked. He looked around the flat as if seeking confirmation.
– Ha ha ha ha … am I on something! Am I on something! I flew back last week a miserable wreck from fucking Ibiza! I should be on something! I should be E’d off my tits with Marie, shagging the first guy I set eyes on! Getting fucked properly!
– I’m going! he shouted, and left. In the stairwell, he rasped up at me, – You’re off your head! You and your junkie pal. That fucking Marie bitch! Well, it’s over! It’s over!
– YOU FUCKIN WELL CATCH ON QUICK DON’T YE, YA STUPID FUCK! GET A FUCKIN LIFE FOR YOURSELF! AND LEARN HOW TO SHAG PROPERLY!
– YOU’RE FUCKIN WELL FRIGID! THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM! he shouts back.
– NO IT WAS YOUR FUCKIN PROBLEM! YOU HAVEN’T GOT FINGERS! YOU HAVEN’T GOT A TONGUE! YOU HAVEN’T GOT A SOUL! YOU HAVEN’T GOT AN INTEREST IN ANYTHING BUT YOUR STUPID FUCKIN BUILDING SOCIETY YOU POMPOUS LITTLE PRICK! FOREPLAY! LOOK IT UP IN THE FUCKIN DICTIONARY! FOREFUCKINGPLAY!
– FUCKING LESBO! STICK WITH MARIE, YOU FUCKING DYKE!
– GET SHAGGED UP THE ARSE BY THAT OTHER BORING PRICK, BILL! THAT’S WHAT YOU FUCKING WELL WANT!
Mrs Cormack from across the landing comes out. – Sorry … I heard a noise. I heard shouting.
– A bit of a lovers’ tiff, I tell her.
– Aw well, the path ay true love, eh hen? she said, then she whispered, – better off withoot them.
I gave her the thumbs up and went back in, already looking forward to Marie returning. I was going to take every drug known to the human race and shag anything that moved.
It was weird going out during the day and feeling free, feeling really single. I got whistled at from those workies doing the pavement in Dalry Road but instead of getting embarrassed as I would have done a few years ago, or angry as I would have done the other day, I did actually do as one stupid fucker in his silly death-moan of a voice suggested and smy-yelled the-ehn. I then felt a little annoyed at myself, because I didn’t want to give those sad fucks their way, but it was for me, because I was happy.
I found myself up Cockburn Street, not seriously cruising guys, but sort of checking them out. I bought about four hundred quid’s worth of clothes and make-up. Most of my other clothes I stuffed into binliners and took to the Cancer Research Shop.
Marie could tell there was a big change in me. The poor lassie was totally fucked when she came back. – All I want to do is lie low for a while, she moaned, – and I never want to see another pill or another cock as long as I live.
– No way, I told her, – Tribal Funktion’s on tonight.
– I think I liked you better as a housewife, she smiled.
20 Lloyd
Just talking aboot Woodsy got me nervous about the gig. The mair ah thought aboot it, the mair uncool it was. Woodsy was planning to have a rave at the Rectangle Club in Pilton (or Reck-Tangle as he’d put on the flyers) on a Tuesday afternoon. That was pretty fuckin weird in itself. Ah tried to get every cunt to come, but Ally said no way, just because of how he felt about Woodsy.
Amber and Nukes were up for it but, and Drewsy ran us down in the van. When we got there nae cunt was around except the hall caretaker. Woodsy already had his decks, mixer, amps and speakers set up. His gear was better than Shaun’s so I wanted a shot before I started.
Woodsy came in a wee bit later with this minister cunt. – This is Reverend Brian McCarthy of East Pilton Parish Church. He’s supporting the gig, Woodsy telt us. This straight-peg cunt in a dog-collar grins at us. Ah wondered if he was eckied.
Ah didnae huv long tae wait before findin oot cause Woodsy goes, – Ah’ve goat some fuckin good Es here, and handing one over to the Rev., urged him, – Neck it, Bri.
– I’m afraid I can’t take … drugs … the poor cunt sais, looking horrified.
– Neck it, man, neck it and find the Lord, says Woodsy.
– Mr Woods, I can’t condone drug-taking in my parish …
– Aye, well, whaire’s aw yir parishioners then, eh? Woodsy growled, – Yir church wisnae exactly stowed oot when ah wis doon last Sunday. Mine wis!
There were some wee kids and some mothers and toddlers coming into the hall. – When’s this rave startin then? a woman asked.
– In a wee minute, eh, Amber told her.
– It’s great thit thir daein this for the bairns, another mother said.
The minister cunt walked away, leaving Woodsy shouting at him: – Fuckin hypocrite! You’ve nae spirituality! Dinnae fuckin tell ays otherwise! Satanic cunt in a cloth! Thirs nae church except the church ay the self! Thirs nae medium between man and god except MDMA! Fuckin scam artist!
– Shut it, Woodsy, ah sais, – c’moan, let’s git started. A crowd were clocking the embarrassed minister leaving.
There were plenty young cunts coming in. – They should aw be at school, Amber went.
When ah got in ah’d noted that two hard bastards had got a table-tennis table out and had started playing in the middle ay the dance floor. Woodsy flipped when he saw them. – Hi! We’ve booked this! he snapped.
– You wantin a fuckin burst mooth, ya cunt? You’re no fae here! one of the nutters snarled.
– The boy’s right, Woodsy, this isnae your club, ah cut in, – thirs plenty room here. Youse dinnae mind us playin our sounds and huvin a bop, boys? Ah addressed this remark tae the hardest-lookin ay the two hard cunts.
– Dae whit yis like, eh, the probably hardest cunt replies.
Ah got up and started puttin on the tunes. At first ah wisnae really mixin, just sort ay playing the sounds like, but then ah started really gaun for it, tryin oot one or too things. It was shite, but ah was so intae it, every cunt was getting intae it tae. The mothers n toddlers were jumpin, the wee neds were rave-dancing wi each other and even the two hard cunts had stopped playin the t.t. and were going fir it. Woodsy’s Es were all snapped up and Amber even managed to flog a few ay ma Doves. Ah necked a couple myself and swallowed a wee wrap ay that crystal meth. Within an hour, the place was fill tae the brim. At first ah didnae see the polis come in, but the guy pulled the plug oan us and broke it up, before perr auld Woodsy got a chance to dae anything.
Then ah went up to the toon tae this club that wis oan and then ah saw her.
21 Heather
I was at the club with Denise and Jane, two pals of Marie’s who had become pals of mine in the time it takes for that first Ecstasy to flow through your body and for you to dance with them, hug them and sit up and cry with them about how you fucked everything up for the last few years. What you learn when people open up like this is that we are all basically the same and that all we have is each other. The politics of the last twenty years in Britain are liars’ politics. The problem is we are ruled by the weak and the small-minded, who are too stupid to know that they are weak and small-minded.
In the club I’m sitting like this in the chill-out room, talking with Jane, and we’re just coming up on an E. I know I’m going on, but I’m learning so much again, I’m feeling so much. This guy comes and sits beside us. He sees Jane and asks if it’s anyone’s seat. She says no.
He sits down and smiles at her and says, – Wasted, twiddling his finger against the side of his head.
– Yeah, us as well, she says.
– Ah’m Lloyd, he turns and shakes her hand.
– Jane.
He smiles at her and gives her a wee hug round her shoulders. Then he turns to look at me. He says nothing. His eyes are huge black pools. There’s something going from his eyes to inside me, right deep inside of me. It’s almost like I’m felling my self reflected back at me. Eventually I clear my throat and say, – Heather.
Jane seemed to sense something happening and went upstairs to dance. Lloyd and I just sat and talked and joked. We blethered about everything: our lives, the world, the lot. Then after a bit, he said, – Listen, Heather, is it cool for me tae gie ye a hug, eh? Ah’d just like tae hold ye for a bit.
– Okay, I said. It h
ad happened. Something. Something had happened.
We hugged for a long time. When I closed my eyes I was lost in his warmth and his smells. Then I felt like we were moving, floating away together. I felt his grip on me tighten and I responded. We were feeling it together. Then he suggested that we leave. He walked with his arm around me, tucking me close to him, occasionally brushing my hair from my face so that he could see my eyes.
We walked up Arthur’s Seat and looked down on the city. It was getting cold and I only had on a light top, so he took off this warm zipper top and wrapped it carefully round me. We just talked a bit more and watched the sun come up. Then we walked home across the city, and I asked him in. We just sat in my room playing tapes and drinking tea. Then Marie and Jane came back.
We all just talked. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.
Later Lloyd got ready to go. I wanted him to stay. At the door he was stroking my arms as he told me, – That was mair than just a brilliant night. I’ll gie ye a phone. There’s a lot ah want tae talk tae ye aboot, cause ah really enjoyed that spraff last night. Gave me loads tae think about, in aw ways.
– Me too.
– Well, ah’ll phone ye.
He kissed me on the mouth, then stood back. – Fuckin hell … he gasped, shaking his head. – Tro Heather, he said, moving down the stairs.
My pulse was racing so much. I wanted to get away. I ran through to my room and wrapped myself in my duvet.
– Whoahh! Marie said. I hadn’t even realised that she was still sitting there in the room.
– What the fuck am I playing at? I laughed.
All day I was marking time until the phone went.
22 Lloyd
You can tell that something’s cooking in the emotional stratosphere beyond the buzzes ay the drugs U4E ah when your personal behaviour starts to change. Since ah met her last week ah’ve started to shower every day and brush my teeth twice a day. Ah’ve also taken to wearing fresh pants and socks on a daily basis which is a killer at the launderette. Usually one pair ay Y’s lasted during the week and the other pair did for the clubbing. Most crucially, ah’ve been scrubbing under the helmet meticulously. Even the flat looks different. No clean and tidy exactly, but better.
Nukes is up for a blaw. It’s strange that Nukes is such a peaceable guy who would never think of ever getting intae bother outside the fitba. Saturday though, it’s all different: a different Nukes comes out to play. But no now. He’s taken a back seat oan everything since the polis clocked him. I’m a wee bit stoned. I’m really better talking tae Ally aboot affairs ay the heart, but Nukes is pretty cool.
– See, Nukes, ah’m no used tae this game, eh no? Ah mean ah’ve nivir really been in love before so ah dinnae ken whether or no it’s real love, the chemicals or just some kind ay infatuation. There seems tae be something thair though, man, something deep, something spiritual …
– Cowped it yit? Nukes asks.
– Naw naw listen the now … sex isnae the issue here. We’re talkin aboot love. Electricity, chemistry n aw that – but beyond that, cause that’s sex, just the buzz. But ah dinnae ken what love is, man, likesay being in love.
– You wir mairried wir ye no?
– Aye, donkey’s years ago, but ah didnae have a clue then. Ah wis only seventeen. Aw ah wanted was ma hole every night, that wis the reason tae git mairried.
– Good enough reason. Nowt wrong wi yir hole every night, eh.
– Aye, aw right, but ah soon discovered that, aye, sure, ah wanted it every night awright, but no offay the same lassie. That wis when the trouble started.
– Well that’s mibbee it but, Lloyd. Mibbee you’ve jist found the definition ay true love: Love is when ye want yir hole every night, but offay the same lassie. There ye go. So did ye git yir hole offay this bird then?
– Listen, Nukes, thir’s some lassies that ye git yir hole offay, and there’s others that ye make love tae. Ken what ah mean?
– Ah ken that, ah ken that. Ah fuckin well make love tae them aw, ya cunt, ah just use the expression ‘git yir hole’ cause it’s shorthand and sounds a bit less poofy, eh. So where did ye meet this bird?
– Up The Pure, eh. It wis her first time there.
– It’s no a stoat-the-baw job, is it? That’s your usual fuckin style, ya cunt!
– Like fuck, man, she’s aboot twenty-six or some shite. She wis mairried tae this straight-peg, n she just fucked off and left him. She was oot wi her pal, jist her first or second time eckied like.
Nukes pits his hands up in front ay his face. – Whoah … slow doon thair gadgie … what ye fuckin well saying tae ays here? Ye meet this bird whae’s oot fir the first time since she escaped this straight-peg, she’s taken her first ever ecky, you’re E’d up and yir talkin love? Sounds a wee bit like the chemical love tae me. Nowt wrong wi that, but see if it lasts the comedoon before ye start thinkin aboot churches, limos and receptions.
– Well, we’ll see, ah say tae Nukes, noticing how different each ay his profiles is. One side ay his face is dead handsome, the other really geekish. The American-evening-television Nukes and the American-daytime-television Nukes. I’m tryin tae visualise Heather in her totality. All I can think about is eyes and face. It strikes me that ah dinnae even ken what her tits and arse are like: size, shape, form n aw that. It surprises me; ah always clock that sort ay thing first. My face seems never tae be more than a few feet fae hers when we’re thegither. This is defo different, but it would be fuckin horrible tae die the now, just fuckin peg oot withoot ever huvin that total sense ay her.
– Tread warily, Lloyd, that’s aw ah’m sayin, Nukes turns tae show off his good side, – Ye ken how easy it can be tae feel great aboot somebody when yir eckied up. Ah mind ay once a few ay us gaun through tae a Slam do oan the Renfrew Ferry. Ah wis jist comin up oan ma pill n Henzo comes runnin up tae ays sayin, fuckin battle stations here, ye cunt, the place is full ay Motherwell cashies. So ah looks over and sure enough, it’s the whole Saturday Service crew, top boys n aw, groovin doon in a big wey. So ah turns tae Henzo an says: just fuckin chill ya tube. Every cunt’s fuckin loved-up the night. They boys are sound. They’re jist like us, eh; they’ll take the fuckin buzz where they can find it. Disnae matter whether it’s the house buzz wi the E or the swedge buzz wi the adrenalin, it’s aw the same. So ah goes up tae this big cunt ah recognised and wi jist point at each other and laugh for a bit, then it’s big hugs aw roond. He introduces ays tae the rest ay his crew and we’re pertyin away thegither. He says tae me: this rush isnae quite as good as the swedge rush, but ye can get tae sleep easier eftir a few nights. Ah’m up fir days wi the swedge rush, cannae sleep or fuck all. That’s us big mates, but jist wait till we’re next at Fir Park. Nae quarter asked or given, eh.
– So what ye sayin?
– It’s like at a rave we create a kind ay environment, and it isnae just the E – although it’s maistly the E – that encourages that kind ay feelin. It’s the whole vibe. But it doesnae transfer that well tae the ootside world. Oot thair, these cunts have created a different environment and that kind ay environment lends itself mair tae the swedge rush.
– Thing is but, ye could still find love, real love, in the club environment. It just helps people tae get thegither, tae open up mair and lose thir inhibitions. Nowt wrong wi that.
– Ah bit listen tae this. Sometimes the whole thing plays tricks oan ye. When yir eckied, every bird looks a fuckin doll. Ye want tae try the acid test: go oot wi her trippin the next day. See what she looks like then! Ah remember one night at Yip Yap ah pills this wee bird.
Fuckin tidy n aw, ah’m telling ye, man. So the emotions are sizzlin away and bein a romantic type ay cunt ah suggests a wee walk up Arthur’s Seat tae watch the sun comin up, eh no?
– Bein E’d up oot yir face, ye mean.
– That’s exactly the fuckin point but! If ah wis jist left tae ma ain devices ah wid huv said somethin like: fancy comin back tae ma place, ken? Bit naw, cause ah wis eckied ah acted in a di
fferent wey fae usual. Mind you, the thing is that now ah’m eywis eckied so that’s become the fuckin normal wey ah do act! But anywey, what wis ah sayin?
– The bird, Arthur’s Seat, ah reminds him.
– Aye, right … well, this bird thinks, cause she’s E’d in aw, she’s thinkin tae herself: this is a romantic cunt. So wir up oan Arthur’s Seat and ah looks at her in the eye and says: ah really want tae make love tae ye now. She’s up for it, so it’s oaf wi the fuckin gear n we starts gaun for it, cowpin away, looking doon oan the city, fuckin great it wis. Thing is, about ten minutes intae it, ah started tae fell like shite. Ah goat aw that creepy, tense, sick wey; the comedoon’s diggin in good style. They wir funny cunts fir that, they flatliners. Anyhow, aw ah wanted tae dae was tae blaw ma muck and git the fuck oot ay thair. That’s what ah did, eh. The bird wisnae pleased, but there ye go, needs must. So ye have tae watch oot before ye call it love. It’s just another form ay entertainment. See if the feelings transfer tae yir everyday life, then call it love. Love’s no jist for weekenders.
– The thing is, Nukes, ah’m changin the keks everyday and cleanin under the helmet.
Nukes raised his eyebrows and smiled, – Must be love then, he said, then he added, – Oan your side, right enough. What’s gaun oan wi her though, mate?
23 Heather
– Lloyd. You never really think that you’ll be going out with someone with a name like that, I tell Marie.
Marie looks tired. She hates her job, and it’s Tuesday. She’s on the comedown and she’s burnt out. She says she wants a life beyond the weekend but she can’t resist its temptations. Besides, what’s on offer during the nine-to-five weekday doesn’t measure up. – Yeah, it’s funny how it all works out, she moans distractedly.