‘Tom’s whole future is at stake. Don’t make this worse than it already is.’
‘But I keep going over and over that night in my head and more stuff comes back to me, more things fit into place. I keep thinking about Karyn and how hurt she is and how it’s not fair if I don’t say what I know.’
‘Not fair?’ Her mother turned to her; wine stained the corners of her mouth. ‘Your brother’s reputation is in tatters. His A-level year’s been ruined, his confidence is at rock bottom. You think any of that’s fair?’ Her voice was tremulous, her eyes wide and fearful. ‘This isn’t the time for misgivings.’
‘So what am I supposed to do with the stuff I keep thinking?’
‘You’ve had every opportunity,’ Mum hissed. ‘You’ve been interviewed by the police and you’ve made a statement. You told the police everything that happened that night.’
Not quite. Not even the beginning.
‘So, you’ve never doubted him, Mum?’
There was a pause. It had weight to it, like you could hold it in your hand, like a rock from the garden.
‘Answer the door, Ellie.’
‘What?’
‘That was the door. That’ll be Barry.’
‘But this is important!’
‘So we leave him standing on the doorstep, do we?’ Her mother’s lips were trembling as she knocked the last of the wine back. ‘Go on, go away if you’re not going to answer the door. And don’t bother coming back until you’ve learned to control yourself.’
Ellie’s breath came hot and quick as she ran across the lawn. She felt like she had a fever, like that time she had tonsillitis. Perhaps she was sick, properly sick, in her body as well as her head. Maybe this is what a nervous breakdown felt like – feelings spilling out of you. She sat on the bench under the walnut tree fighting back tears.
There was a boy in her school called Flynn whose parents had been woken by the police at three in the morning and told that their son had been arrested. They said there must be a mistake, he’s safe in his bed. But when they checked, he was gone. He’d climbed out of his window and gone tagging. He was caught with spray cans and a load of weed in his coat pocket.
Parents don’t know their children at all.
No one knows anyone, in fact. Her brother could be a rapist. Mikey could be a hero.
It was raining heavily now, splattering off the leaves above her. Even the grass, dark blue in the half-light, looked like water rippling. She pulled her knees up and hugged them, closed her eyes and tried to think of nothing.
It was only a few minutes later when Barry appeared on the lawn.
‘Mind if I join you?’ he said.
He had her mother’s little fold-up umbrella, which he closed when he reached the shelter of the tree.
‘I was given special permission to smoke in the house, but I didn’t feel comfortable doing that. You OK if I smoke here?’
Ellie nodded, too stunned to say anything. He pulled a pack of Silk Cut and a Zippo from his coat pocket and sat beside her. He lit up, and together they watched the smoke curl away into the rain. Ellie’s heart was beating fast.
‘I’ve just been talking to your mum,’ he said, ‘and she thought it might be a good idea for me to have a little chat with you about the court case.’
Hadn’t Mum told Ellie to shut up and stay away? And now she’d sent the lawyer out to talk to her. What the hell was that about?
He said, ‘I think the most important thing to remember, Ellie, is that you’re the expert. You were the only other person in the house when the alleged assault occurred, so you already know all the answers to any questions you’ll be asked in court. That might be a useful way of looking at it, don’t you think?’
She shrugged. She didn’t want to hear how easy it was going to be, or how she simply needed to stick to the truth. Those things wouldn’t help her at all.
‘What about if I fill you in on procedure a little bit?’ He tossed his fag end across the grass and twisted himself round to see her better, taking her silence as consent. He talked about her statement, which would be read out in court, about the witness box and how she’d have to stand in it, about the barrister and all the very easy questions he’d ask – who came back to the house, what time she went to bed, if she heard any noises in the night. As he spoke, his face faded to darkness as the sky got gloomier and the rain fell more heavily around them. It was like hearing someone talk through a fish tank. He said, ‘You simply have to repeat what you said in your statement, that you heard and saw nothing suspicious. That seems pretty straightforward. You think you can manage that?’
At the other end of the garden, through the window, she could see her father in the kitchen. He was standing by the sink looking out and his mouth was moving, like someone on TV with the sound turned down. Her mum was behind him with a pacifying hand on his shoulder. If Ellie was close enough, she’d be able to see the alarm in her mother’s eyes, her desperate need to make everything all right. Let Barry deal with it, she’d be saying. Ellie’s feeling a bit nervous. No need for you to get involved.
She thought she’d sorted it. She thought Ellie’s words were a temporary blip, that she merely needed a talk with a professional and everything would be fine.
Stamp it out, ease it down, glue it back together.
‘It’s hard for you,’ Barry said, ‘we all see that, but it’s important for your brother that you help him. No one else can help him as much as you can.’
He was fiddling with his Zippo, running it up and down his trouser leg so that the little lid at the top opened, then shut again.
Ellie felt strangely calm as she turned to him. ‘I told Tom that Karyn was only fifteen.’
To her surprise, Barry smiled. ‘Is that what’s been bothering you – that Karyn wasn’t old enough to give consent?’
‘He’s going around saying he thought she was sixteen.’
Barry’s face fell into something she recognized from her father when he wanted to explain a concept she might find particularly complicated. ‘Ellie, people often forget things they’re told, especially when it’s late at night, or they’ve been drinking. It was noisy, the music was loud, it’s not impossible he didn’t even hear you.’
‘He definitely did.’
‘Well, he clearly has no recollection, so I think we can safely rule it out as a piece of evidence.’
‘You mean, let’s pretend I never said it?’
‘It wouldn’t stand up in court, Ellie. You’d get a grilling from the prosecution for no reason. Tom would simply say he didn’t remember you telling him, and anyway, unless Karyn can prove he forced himself on her the age difference is so small between them it becomes immaterial.’
There was something in his eyes, a way of looking at her blankly through a smile, as if he was adapting what she said to suit him. She hated him suddenly.
‘Karyn was really drunk,’ she said. ‘She was so drunk that when the boys carried her upstairs between them, she couldn’t even speak. Did Tom tell you that?’
The solicitor frowned. ‘Carried her?’
‘And shoved her on Tom’s bed.’
‘Do you mean the other witnesses, Freddie and James?’
‘Yeah, them. James had the stick that opens the blinds and was lifting her skirt up with it. She was completely trashed and the three of them stood around laughing and taking pictures of her on their phones.’ Ellie’s voice sounded loud – the rain didn’t dampen it, but made it ring clear. She wondered if she could be heard from the house. ‘I told them to leave her alone.’
She felt Barry tense beside her. He leaned forward and stared down at the grass, as if something amazing had appeared there.
‘Freddie and James went home, but Karyn was too drunk to move, so we left her on the bed and Tom went downstairs to sleep on the sofa.’
She wanted Barry to react. She stared at him, willing him to understand that Karyn couldn’t possibly have consented to what happened next. But instead, he turn
ed to her, a tight smile on his face.
‘This is obviously quite an awkward situation for me,’ he said, ‘so I’m going to stop you there.’ He stood up, hands in pockets, a shadow between her and the house. ‘I don’t want to be getting information from you that could compromise your brother’s position.’
‘So I can’t talk to you?’
‘Why, was there something else?’
Her hands on her lap were startling, not quite her own, lying there so passive while her head was whirling.
‘There’s a lot more.’
‘Ellie, you told the police you saw and heard nothing all night.’
‘I didn’t want to get my brother into trouble.’
He sighed deeply. ‘Then I suggest you seek legal advice.’
‘You mean get my own lawyer?’
‘I think that would be a good idea.’
‘But you asked me to talk to you. You came out here and asked me questions.’
‘I’m your brother’s solicitor and I can’t get into any situation where it looks as if I may have advised you.’
‘So, you’re not going to do anything?’
‘I’m going to talk to your brother. Then I’m going to advise the barrister we don’t call you as a witness.’
Hot waves of fear broke in her chest. ‘You mean you don’t want me going to court in case I blurt all this out and Tom goes to jail?’
‘I mean I’m your brother’s solicitor and I have to look after his best interests. There’s no way we’ll call you to the stand under these circumstances.’
She nodded dumbly.
‘I’m going inside now, Ellie.’
She wanted to stop him, to force him to listen to the rest of it. But she didn’t move. What was the point? Instead, she watched him stride back across the grass, go through the French doors and wipe his feet on the mat.
Let’s just forget it, Mikey had said. No more texts, no more anything.
Help me, Mikey, she wanted to say. I’m afraid. More afraid than you’d ever believe.
And he’d take her hand and they’d fly across the rooftops and up into space and sit on some planet and watch a double sunrise or maybe a star being born or some other event that no human had ever seen, her head on his shoulder, his arm around her. And she’d tell him everything.
Her mother appeared on the step. She had her gardening shoes on and the same umbrella she’d loaned to Barry. She picked her way across the grass as if the sky was about to fall on her head.
‘What did you say to him?’ she said when she got close enough. ‘He wants to talk to Tom alone in the study and even Dad’s not allowed in.’ Her eyes clutched at Ellie’s. ‘Did you tell him what you told me?’
‘It’ll be all right,’ Ellie whispered.
‘That’s not what I asked.’
‘I’m sorry, Mum, I can’t do this any more.’
Her mum called, ‘Where are you going?’ as Ellie sprinted away. ‘Come back here right now!’
Round the side of the house, through the gate and out onto the lane, kicking her way through puddles, her feet spattering mud, her legs pounding distance between her family and the world beyond them. She hadn’t run for weeks. She hadn’t moved for years, it felt. She would run for ever. Her limbs were strong and healthy. She felt like an animal. She ran and ran, past trees dripping with rain, past other people’s houses and gardens, along the muddy lane towards the town.
Thirty-three
Mikey banged out of the door and down the stairs. Never mind the lift, stairs were quicker, racing down five flights, his heart pounding. Just before the bottom, he stopped, because there she was outside, her face pointing up to the rain. He slammed through the doors and marched up to her.
‘What are you doing?’
Her dress was wet, her jeans were wet, even her eyelashes were dripping with rain. ‘I had to see you.’
‘You can’t just text and demand I come down or you’re coming up. Who do you think you are?’
‘I’m sorry. I wouldn’t really have come up. I don’t even know which flat’s yours.’ She scanned the block of flats above them, shielding her eyes against the rain. ‘Which one is it?’
He shook his head. ‘You have to go.’
Her eyes travelled the length of the balconies, door after door. ‘Does Karyn know I’m here?’
‘Are you crazy?’
Ellie looked sad then, and confused. ‘Please don’t send me away. You’re the one who came running after me in the beginning, remember?’
That was true, and he felt a bit rubbish then. To make up for it, he pointed out the flat. He wanted her to know he didn’t hate her. It wasn’t about that.
‘Blue door,’ he said, ‘with the Christmas tree outside.’
It was a dead stump of a tree, no needles, but still decorated, still covered in tinsel. It was nearly May and they’d only managed to drag it as far as the balcony. He felt foolish, like he was pointing out their chaos.
‘My little sister likes it,’ he said. ‘She thinks it’ll grow back. I’ll swap it for a new one in December and hope she doesn’t notice.’
Ellie looked at him, a strange, deep look. ‘That’s kind.’
He hadn’t thought of it as being kind. It’s just what you did if you wanted Holly to be happy – you pretended there was magic in the world.
‘Listen,’ he said. ‘You have to go. Serious, I’ve got work in half an hour and Jacko’s picking me up. My life won’t be worth living if he sees you here.’
He led her round the corner, by the lift, where it was sheltered from the rain. She grabbed her hair with one hand and twisted it, wringing it out. He peeled off his jacket and offered it to her.
‘Here,’ he said. ‘Take this, or you’ll get pneumonia on the way home.’
She put it on without a word and did up the zip. She shoved her hands deep into the pockets. He hoped there weren’t any scaggy tissues in there, or packets of condoms, girls’ phone numbers …
‘You’re the nicest person I ever met,’ she said.
She must know some total shits if she was impressed by a coat.
‘Whatever,’ he said. ‘I’m going now.’
She put a hand on his arm. ‘I have to tell you something.’
‘I don’t want to know.’
‘Please,’ she begged. ‘You’re the only person I can tell.’
She looked like she was tempting a bird to feed from her hand, seeing how close she could get to him. It was weird being chased.
‘Two minutes,’ he said.
They sat on the wall together, the lift doors in front of them. It stank of piss, but this was the best they had for now.
‘So,’ he said, ‘did you get in another argument with someone?’
‘Not really.’
‘Was it your brother?’
She shook her head, looked down at her shoes.
‘To be honest, if it is about your brother, I don’t even care. Anything could be true and it wouldn’t surprise me. Maybe Karyn’s lying.’
‘She’s not.’ She turned to him slowly. Fear dipped in and out of her eyes. ‘I wanted to believe Tom was innocent. For weeks I wanted it. But I think he did it and I’m not going to be his witness.’
‘So?’
She frowned at him, puzzled. ‘That’s massive! I’m supposed to stand up in court and say I didn’t see or hear anything. I’m supposed to say my brother is lovely and couldn’t possibly have hurt your sister. And now I’m not going to.’
It wasn’t like she had video footage or anything. Plenty of other people would stand up in court and defend her brother, even if she didn’t.
‘It won’t make any difference, Ellie.’
She let out a little sob, which shocked him. He’d thought girls like her didn’t cry. Weren’t brains supposed to be in charge of feelings?
‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Hey, are you OK?’
He put an arm round her and she leaned against him for a minute. She was embarrassed, tried to hide her
face from him, kept wiping below her eyes to check her mascara hadn’t run.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean to diss you.’
She looked up at him, her cheeks flushed. ‘Why are you being nice to me now?’
‘I like you.’
She started to laugh. He did too. It was great, the sound of it.
‘Hey,’ he said. ‘You want to go somewhere? We could if you like.’
‘I thought you had work?’
‘Sod work. Let’s get out of here.’
She nodded. ‘Yes please.’
Absolute gold and unexpected.
‘Where shall we go?’
She wiped her eyes with her sleeve. ‘Not near my house.’
‘OK.’
‘And not in town.’
He knew it was wrong, knew it was slipping back into something he’d given up. But here was Ellie, telling him her brother did it. Her family were going to hate her for this. She needed him.
He looked around for inspiration. They couldn’t go to the flat because of Karyn, and they couldn’t go to Ellie’s house because of her brother and they couldn’t go into town because of everyone else. And they had to decide pretty quick. Once the rain stopped, this place would liven up and someone would come out of those lift doors and see them for sure.
‘Can you get your friend’s car?’ she said.
He wished he could, but Jacko would be here to pick him up for work in a minute, and he didn’t fancy that run-in.
‘Maybe a bus,’ she said. ‘Where do they go from here?’
‘Through town, then out to the coast.’
She looked at him as if she was working something out. ‘Do they go near the bay?’
And now he knew what she was thinking. He stared at her, willing her not to change her mind, to be brave enough to go through with this.
‘Pretty close,’ he said. ‘We could walk the last bit.’
‘Because that’s where my gran’s cottage is.’
He tried not to look too happy. She’d told him about the cottage the day they’d gone swimming. It was near the beach and it was empty because her gran was in some nursing home. Perfect.
‘Have you got a key?’
You Against Me Page 20