He said, ‘Am I going too fast?’
She shook her head. ‘It’s not that.’
‘What is it then?’
‘I lied to the police.’
His heart sank. Why wasn’t anything ever simple? She was in front of him, confessing, and he didn’t want to hear it. He wanted to kiss her.
‘When I made my first statement I said I was asleep all night, and I wasn’t. I’m scared that when you know how important that is, you’re going to hate me.’
‘I won’t ever hate you.’
‘I hope not.’ She touched his belly. Up. Gently. Her fingers ran over the ridges of his ribcage. ‘I want to help Karyn.’
‘I know that.’
She said, ‘So you think this is a good idea then, you and me?’
He said, ‘Yes.’
Then he said, ‘But only if you think so.’
She leaned in close and kissed his chin, the end of his nose, each eyelid.
She said, ‘I missed you so much. I’ve been wanting to touch you for days.’
And he was worth something. Just like that.
Her breath on his face was salt and wood smoke and something underneath that, something sweet and pulsing. He sat very still as her kisses moved to his neck, as her right hand explored his back, all the way down his spine to his belt. If he moved, she might stop and he didn’t want her to stop.
It had never crossed his mind that his body might be special too. No girl had ever taken the time to show him. Or was it that he just hadn’t let them?
Whichever it was, it was like a pulse rising.
Ellie put her hand against his chest and felt his heart through his T-shirt. He was watching her and she knew she had to decide what happened next.
For the rest of her life, he’d be her first and nothing could ever change it. And if he hated her later because of what she knew about his sister and Tom, then she’d have to live with it. It was now that mattered. Right now. Right here. She watched herself move her hand down to the edge of his T-shirt.
She’d thought it would be like speaking different languages, because he was experienced and she wasn’t. But she knew what she wanted and somehow she knew what to do. She dared to lift his T-shirt and he raised his arms like an obedient child and she pulled it over his head. She loved the feeling of power as he melted towards her, the way his breathing changed under her fingers.
‘Do you want me to stop?’ she said.
He shook his head.
They smiled at each other.
They both got it. That’s what was so great. Ellie had never known it was possible for two people to want the exact same thing at the same time.
‘Is this how it is for everyone?’ she whispered.
‘No.’
‘How do you know?’
‘I just do. I’ve never felt this with anyone before.’
‘Serious?’
‘Serious. That isn’t a line.’
‘Kiss me,’ she said.
He did. Everywhere.
Afterwards, he stroked her. It made her shiver and he liked the way her eyes got serious as he stroked the bit where her leg joined her bum. All the little hairs at the top of her thigh stood up under his fingers.
‘You cried,’ he said.
She put her hands over her face. ‘Doesn’t everyone?’
‘Only in songs.’
‘I’m embarrassed!’
‘Don’t be, it’s good. Other girls aren’t like that.’
She peered at him from between her fingers. ‘What are other girls like?’
‘I dunno. That came out wrong.’
‘Have you slept with lots of them?’
‘Not lots.’
He tried to kiss her again. He didn’t want ghosts in the room sitting around watching them. But she nudged him away and pushed herself up onto her elbows to see him properly. It was dark in the room now the fire had died down.
‘I keep thinking about Karyn,’ she said. ‘Do you?’
‘I keep thinking about your brother crashing in with a gun.’
It was a joke, but she didn’t smile. ‘No one knows we’re here,’ she said. ‘We have to trust each other now, don’t we?’
He pulled her down to him. She smelled great. He stroked her some more and she relaxed against him. They didn’t talk.
The sound of her mobile was piercing – like a bird screaming in their ears.
‘How can it be ringing? There’s no signal here, there’s never any signal.’ She fumbled for it among a sea of clothes, her face terrified. ‘Oh God, it’s my mum. What shall I do?’
‘Answer it, say you’re busy.’
She lobbed it at him as if it was hot. ‘You answer it.’
‘Serious?’
‘No!’ She snatched it back and turned it off, then lay on the carpet and covered her head with her arms. ‘She knows where I am.’
‘How can she?’
‘She knows what I’ve been doing.’
He laughed. ‘She doesn’t. Text her, tell her you’ll call her later.’
‘I forgot about home.’ She sat up again and looked down at him. ‘I forgot about running out, like none of it existed.’
‘You ran out?’
‘Kind of. Oh God! The lawyer will have spoken to Tom. Tom will have spoken to my dad. They’re going to kill me when I get back.’
‘Don’t go. Stay here with me.’
She shook her head, dismissing him. ‘Help me find my stuff.’
It was like watching a spell break. He’d wanted to kiss her again, stay the whole night through, wake up with her.
‘You won’t find your knickers,’ he said.
‘Have you got them?’
‘Might have.’
‘Mikey, please. I have to go.’
‘Tell them you’re at the cinema, say it’s a late film.’
‘They won’t believe me.’
‘Tell them you’re dead, then we can stay as long as we like.’
‘I can’t. You might think I’m brave, but really I’m a coward. Mikey, please, I have to go and deal with this before I get too scared.’
Her knickers looked great in the palm of his hand – lacy and black. He kissed them goodbye, which made her smile.
‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘But if my dad finds out about you too, it’ll make everything a hundred times worse.’
She found her bra, did the clasp up, twisted it round and pulled the strap over her shoulders, like putting a bridle on a horse. She stuck her tongue out at him when she caught him looking, pulled on her dress, did a great wriggle as she smoothed it over her hips.
‘What would your dad do if he knew?’ Mikey asked.
‘Kill me. Kill you. Kill himself.’
‘In that order?’
‘No, actually. He’d kill you first.’
He got dressed quickly while she put on her shoes, then they tidied the room together. He put water on the ashes and spread them out in the grate. She put the cushions and blankets back on the chairs and checked that everything looked the same as when they arrived. It was weird having no electricity, but still being able to see.
‘Can we come here again?’ he said.
‘I don’t know. Thursday maybe we could. I’ve got study leave in the afternoon. If everything’s normal on Thursday, I’ll meet you then.’
She had one hand on the door handle, waiting for him. She hadn’t touched him since the phone rang, and as she shut the door and hid the key, it was like he’d lost something.
‘That’s ages away.’
‘I know, but we have to be careful.’
Was this love? Because it hurt. It was like a bit of glass stuck somewhere important – his heart or his head, and it was throbbing. Already he missed her and they were only just out of the door.
‘Thursday then,’ he agreed.
He took her hand and laced their fingers back together as they walked down the path to the gate.
Thirty-five
The front door opened
before Ellie even made it across the lawn and her mother rushed down the steps, arms open wide.
‘Oh, thank God!’
She hugged her so close, Ellie could feel the sharp angles of her mother’s shoulders and the curve of her ribs through her dress.
‘Mum, you’re hurting me.’
‘I’ve been worried sick. We had absolutely no idea where you were.’ She pressed Ellie closer for a second, then let her go, stepping back to stroke her hair and pat at her arms and face, as if checking she was real. ‘We were about to call the police.’
‘The police?’
‘You’ve been gone for hours, we were desperate.’
Only now did Ellie notice her dad glowering at her from the doorstep. He looked older than he had at breakfast, thin and shabby somehow.
He said, ‘Where the hell have you been?’
‘I’m sorry. I went for a walk.’
‘All this time? In the rain, with no coat?’
‘It was stupid. I didn’t think.’
‘Why did you turn your phone off?’
‘I ended up at the cinema, then I forgot to turn it back on when I came out.’
It sounded crap, hollow, like lines from a play. Her father leaned against the door frame and looked at her, taking her right in, from her scruffy trainers to the crumpled material of her dress. I’m not a virgin any more, Ellie thought as his eyes travelled up to her face. Can you tell? Do I look different?
He said, ‘I’ve spent hours looking for you. Your mother’s been distraught.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Your brother’s up in his room, convinced he’s going to jail. Do you want to explain that one to me?’
The way her father spoke so quietly was terrifying. Ellie felt tears swelling her throat.
‘Do you want to let your daughter inside before you start interrogating her?’ Mum put an arm round Ellie and clutched her hard. ‘She’s shivering out here in the cold. Why don’t you go and put the kettle on or something?’
Her dad looked confused, as if Mum had suggested something so unusual and particular that it made no sense. Then he said, ‘Yes, of course.’
‘You could make some sandwiches as well. I expect Ellie’s hungry, aren’t you?’
It was wonderful having her mother suddenly fierce, as if new ways of being were possible.
‘Does Dad know everything?’ she asked as Mum led her up the steps. ‘Does he know I spoke to you? Does he know Karyn’s telling the truth?’
‘Hush,’ Mum said. ‘It’s not time for that now. Just come and listen to what he has to say.’
She led Ellie up the steps and into the house, sat her down at the kitchen table and got her a blanket, before going off to tell Tom his sister was home. Dad made hot chocolate and scattered biscuits on a plate. He put some bread in the toaster, then leaned against the sink and folded his arms.
He said, ‘You can’t have been in the cinema all this time.’
Ellie looked at her hands on her lap. ‘Well, a few of the shops in town were open, so I looked round them for a while.’
‘That doesn’t take ten hours.’
‘And I had to wait ages for the bus.’
‘Were you on your own?’
She nodded, terrified he’d sussed her. Maybe she smelled different, maybe there was some way fathers knew when their daughters had been touched by a boy for the first time.
He frowned, turned back to his toast. ‘You can’t go trotting about assuming the world is a safe place to be. Anything could have happened to you.’
‘I’m sorry.’
Mum came in with slippers and insisted Ellie take off her wet trainers. Tom sidled in behind her and stood in the doorway watching. His hair was messed up and his eyes were red, as if he’d been crying. Tom never cried, not ever, not when he broke his ankle, not even when he got arrested. Ellie could barely bring herself to look at him.
‘Where did you go?’ he said.
‘Just walking.’
‘All day?’
‘Sort of.’
He slumped himself into the armchair in the corner. ‘I told them you’d be fine. I knew you would be.’
‘Well, I wasn’t as confident,’ Mum said. ‘I was thinking all kinds of terrible things.’
Dad slapped down a plate of toast. ‘Right, now we’ve established the runaway is safe, let’s get down to business. Eleanor – apologize to your brother.’
‘She doesn’t have to,’ Tom said, ‘it’s fine.’
‘She absolutely does have to.’ Dad sat down opposite Ellie and glared at her. ‘I can’t believe you tried to wriggle out of being a witness. Do you know how serious this is? Do you know the trouble you’ve caused?’
‘I wasn’t trying to wriggle out of it.’
‘Your mother asks Barry to reassure you about procedure and you find it necessary to tell him you can’t possibly stand up in court and say a few words in your brother’s defence?’
Ellie shook her head, eyes stinging. ‘It wasn’t like that.’
Dad banged the table with the flat of his hand. ‘After you spoke to him, that damned lawyer locked himself away with Tom for nearly an hour. I wasn’t allowed into my own study, and when they came out, it had been decided not to use you as a witness. What was the word he used, Tom? What was it he said to you?’
‘He said she was wavering.’
‘Wavering, that’s it. What’s that mean, Ellie? You’re a bit nervous? You can’t be bothered? Going to court doesn’t fit in with your busy schedule?’
Ellie shot a look at Tom, over in the corner on the armchair, his legs folded under him. He looked petrified, his eyes liquid dark.
‘It’s difficult to explain.’
‘Difficult? I’ll tell you what’s difficult, my girl – sitting here watching you let your brother down, that’s what.’ He banged the table again and all the cups shivered. ‘I can’t believe you’re being such a coward. Where’s the girl I used to know?’
‘Maybe you don’t know me, Dad. Maybe none of us knows each other.’
Dad stabbed his finger at her across the table. ‘I’ve taken weeks off work. Tom’s given up all hope of doing his A-levels this year. Your mother’s hardly sleeping at night, worrying herself thin. I can’t remember the last time any of us had a social life. And you casually tell the lawyer you don’t fancy going to court very much, and we’re all supposed to nod our heads and let you get away with it?’
Ellie closed her eyes to shut him out and let him rant. He told her how selfish she was, and how he was going to ground her. He didn’t believe she’d been alone all day and was going to take her phone away. She was obviously being influenced by a bad crowd, he told her, because she was turning into a liar.
It was only half an hour ago that she and Mikey had run from the bus stop. The grass had rippled silver in the dark and there was rain in the air again, clouds low and broody. At the gate, Mikey’s fingers had secretly swept hers.
‘Give me something for courage,’ she’d said. ‘A piece of you to take with me.’
‘What do you want?’
‘What can I have?’
He’d given her his lighter, then kissed her and walked away backwards up the lane. Watching him, Ellie had been amazed at what she’d done, at who she’d become.
Then the door opened and her mum had come running down the steps. And here she was, a child again, disintegrating under her father’s anger, everything strong and good about her sliding away.
‘That’s enough,’ her mother said. ‘You’re upsetting her, can’t you see?’
She reached across the table and cupped Ellie’s chin in her hand. It was weird, like she was about to kiss her. Ellie opened her eyes, tears falling freely. How weary her mother looked.
‘We want to help you,’ she said. ‘It all makes sense now – the business with the vodka and how quiet you’ve been. It’s not too late and you’re not in trouble. Dad’s upset, that’s all. We had no idea you were feeling this scared about co
urt.’
Ellie felt ice cold. She’d told her mother she doubted Tom, hadn’t she? She’d gone into the garden and said she remembered new things. She said Karyn was telling the truth. Why was that conversation being ignored?
Her mum went on, ‘Listen to Dad – he’s going to explain how we’re going to handle this. He’s got a plan to help you. Everything’s going to be all right.’
Her father leaned forward. ‘We’re going to start again, Ellie, and this time involve you completely. The trial isn’t for ten weeks, so we’ve got plenty of time. First thing tomorrow morning, we’re going to sack Barry. In fact, we’ll sack the barrister too – let’s go the whole hog.’
Ellie blinked, puzzled. ‘Why would you do that?’
‘You told Barry you didn’t want to be a witness and if a hint of that gets out to the police, it looks pretty suspicious, doesn’t it? They’re going to think you know something you’re not saying. You want to be hauled into court for cross-examination? No, I thought not. So, we’ll get a new law firm involved and start from the top, pretend none of this conversation with Barry ever happened.’
Ellie looked at the tablecloth. This was the table where only a few hours ago they’d sat and had breakfast together as a family. There was the chopping board where her mother had cut thick slices of bread for toast. This morning. Before any of this happened.
She’d been convinced she was at the hot start of her family’s destruction, that she’d grassed up Tom and betrayed them all. But it turned out Tom hadn’t passed on the details to their parents. If Barry was sacked, it would all be covered up. Ellie was a scared little girl. Tom was innocent. Simple.
Her father was smiling at her now, holding her hand across the table. He used to hold her hand when they walked to the park together every Saturday. And when she got scared in movies. And when he read her books at bedtime. He’d sit by her bed and do all the voices and he wouldn’t let go of her hand until she was asleep. Sometimes he used to draw cartoons of the characters and prop them by her alarm clock, so she’d find them in the morning.
His hand was warm now, and as he leaned in to stroke her cheek, he smelled so familiar.
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