by Ana Ashley
On our way to the restaurant, my phone rang. I hadn’t had any calls all week, and I’d almost forgotten that I had the phone with me. I looked at the screen and saw it was Isaac.
“Olá, Isaac, how’s it going?” I held the phone with one hand and reached out for Joel’s hand with the other.
“You tell me. I don’t see you for a few weeks, and next thing I know, you can’t take your eyes off your mystery guest in your video. Who is he?”
“Um, just a friend,” I said, looking at Joel who was looking back at me with reticence in his eyes.
“It didn’t look like just a friend. Have you watched your video back? I don’t think anyone is going to be following the recipe when they can watch the sexual tension unfurl on-screen instead.” He laughed, and I could imagine he’d be elbowing me if he was here.
“That’s not—”
“Oh my God, David, is that Joel with you in the video?”
I’d told Isaac about Joel a few years ago. We’d gone out to a club in Lisbon where he now lives, and he was determined to get me to hook up with one of two guys that were hitting on us. I ended up drunk on Isaac’s sofa telling him why I couldn’t hook up with any guys. I went as far as saying I didn’t think I was gay at all because I didn’t like any guys other than Joel.
Of course, he’d laughed at my statement, but I’d felt his support for the feelings I was carrying for a person I hadn’t seen in years.
“Yes,” I acknowledged. “That’s him.”
When I said that, Joel’s eyes narrowed as though he knew we were talking about him.
“Look, was there a reason for your call? I’m about to catch dinner, so I have to go,” I said, trying to end the conversation.
“Okay, Mr. Avoidance. We’ll talk about it another time. I just wanted to check that you were still up for that custard tart making class with the kids in a couple of days. They’re really looking forward to it.”
“Oh yeah, absolutely, it’s in my planner. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. It’s been a while since I was at the center, and I miss those kids. I’ll see you in two days, yeah?”
“Awesome. See you then. Bye.”
I ended the call and walked into the restaurant with Joel. He was quiet as we were shown to our table by the waiter. The restaurant wasn’t very big. There were a few saltwater tanks with lobsters and crabs waiting to be chosen by customers for their meals. Most tables were filled with local people, which I loved to see since it meant the food was of good quality.
“What do you feel like eating?” I asked, but Joel kept his face down, looking at the menu, so I persisted. “Joel, is everything okay?”
“I’m not very hungry. I’ll just have a snack.”
“What are you talking about? You said you were starving only a little while ago.” I was struggling to think of what had happened to change his mood. Did I do anything wrong?
The waiter interrupted us asking if we wanted any drinks. I ordered a soda since I was driving, and Joel ordered bottled water.
When the waiter left to get our drinks, I couldn’t wait any longer. I hated this tension, so I left my side of the table and moved my chair so I was sitting next to him. I grabbed his hand under the table and gave it a squeeze.
“Sweetheart, are you okay? Did I do anything to upset you?
“No, I’m just a little jealous,” he said, keeping his gaze down.
“What are you jealous of?”
“The phone call reminded me that the outside world was bound to intrude on our time together and you won’t be just mine anymore.”
His eyes were shiny and so earnest that I just wanted to hold him close and kiss it all away. I chose to ignore his last statement because I was going to address it later. In bed. Naked.
“Isaac was just confirming an arrangement we had for me to go to the center and teach the kids to make custard tarts. Would you like to come and help me?”
His smile was suddenly wide and bright. “Yes, can I? I’d love to meet Isaac and see the work he does for the kids.”
“I’m not sure it’s a good thing to get you and Isaac in the same location. You know too much about my past, and he knows too much about my present,” I teased.
“I’m hoping there are things about your present only I know.” He elbowed me, and I chuckled.
Even though we had shifted back into our happy mood, I didn’t move my chair. Throughout dinner, I kept my hand on Joel’s thigh in a show of affection and possession.
I didn’t care what time we got back to my apartment or what time we would finally fall asleep. Tonight, I was going to show Joel how much I was truly his.
20
Joel
David had been flirty and very touchy-feely throughout dinner. Even though the restaurant had been fairly busy, he hadn’t seemed bothered by the presence of other people, nor did he stop touching me and feeding me the occasional piece of seafood. He even put his arm around me on our way back to the car.
I didn’t know what to think of his behavior. I wasn’t naïve enough to believe he was suddenly ready to be out and proud, but his public displays of affection were doing a number on me. If he carried on like this, my heart was going to start believing this was all really happening.
I had to be careful, or I’d end up being hurt. As it was, I knew I was already halfway in love with him, maybe even more.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, so since I wasn’t the one driving I pulled it out and saw a message from Max.
Max: Hey, Joebug, how’re things? Missing your favorite person much?
Joel: Hi, Max. All good here. Just getting back home from a few days away exploring.
Max: You? Exploring? On your own? Are you joking?
Joel: No, I’m with a friend.
Max: What?? I’m not your only friend? I’m hurt. Is he sexy?
Joel: Goodbye, Max.
Max: Haha, I was joking, but I do want to hear about this friend of yours. Work has been kicking my ass, and I really miss you. Fuck, I can’t wait to see you in a few days.
Joel: Me, too, buddy. Speak soon.
I put the phone back in my pocket. I was looking forward to seeing Max and spending time with him, but now even he was a bit of that reality that threatened to burst the Joel-and-David bubble. I took a deep breath to shake those feelings off.
David took my hand from where it was resting on my lap and held it up for a kiss. It was like he could feel I was a little off, and without needing more detail, he just did what he could to make it better.
Why couldn’t it always be like this? Why couldn’t he be out to his family so we could be together properly? He didn’t seem to have a problem with strangers knowing he was gay, after all. Even as the thoughts ran through my mind, I knew the impossibility of what I was asking.
Even if David was out, it didn’t mean he’d be with me. I didn’t even live in the same country, and there was no way I would put David through the hardship of a long-distance relationship.
“If you don’t come out of your head, I’m going to tie you to my bed when we get home and tease you until you’re begging for mercy,” he said as he moved his hand from the gear stick to my leg and stroked it from my knee up to my thigh. My traitorous dick started responding, and my thoughts followed suit.
When we got home, I made a quick stop by my apartment to grab some more clothes and then returned to David’s where he made good on his promise. Using the belt of his bathrobe, he tied my hands to the headboard of his bed and teased me with his tongue until I was writhing and desperate to come.
His assault on my skin was lighting a fire inside me, but every time I thought I was going to combust, he would stop touching me, and it was as though he was throwing a bucket of cold water to extinguish it. The evil man would then start it all over again.
I cursed in every language I knew and threatened to return the torture, but in reality, for the minutes or hours David kept my body on the precipice of orgasm, all I could think, feel, and see was him. Once ag
ain, there was no real life, no responsibilities, no jobs to return to, just me and David in our perfect world.
I was a messy, mumbly pool of sex-drunk goo, so by the time David finally let me come, I nearly passed out. Sleep wasn’t far behind, followed by dreams of David and me on our beach.
Sunlight was warm on my face and so bright I was struggling to open my eyes without squinting. I also felt warm all over, and it didn’t take me long to realize why, since I could feel the weight of David’s body pressing against mine.
“Bom dia,” he murmured against the back of my neck. I loved waking up with him like this, his arm around me keeping me close and particularly his morning wood pressing against the cleft of my ass.
“Bom dia,” I said, turning my head for a kiss.
I knew we had to get up and get ready for breakfast with my grandparents, so I pulled myself up and out of bed and dragged a still sleepy David into the bathroom.
“I thought you were the morning person in this room?” I teased as I pushed him under the warm water spray of the shower.
“Shut up. I had a sexy-as-fuck man curled up against me. Can you blame a guy for wanting to stay in bed?”
“Nope.” I kissed the sensitive spot on his neck that always made him shiver.
“Fuuuuck.”
“Can’t blame you at all.”
We took a little longer in the shower while I made sure David was thoroughly awake before we made our way to my grandparents’ house.
“Bom dia, Avó,” I said to my grandmother, stepping in for a big hug. God, I loved her hugs, her smell, her hands on my face like she knew exactly how to make me feel at home with such a simple touch.
“My boys,” she said, holding David in a similar embrace. I loved when she called us her boys. I looked at David, who was accepting the hug like a starved man.
When I was a kid, my mom used to joke, saying, “Your grandmother knows things, Joel.” As though she could read minds or knew what you’d been up to. I never knew what those “things” were then, but now it was like a billboard announcement. She knew about David, and she knew about us. She just chose not to say it out loud. The look she gave me as she stepped out of David’s embrace was one of happiness tinged with a heavy dose of concern.
During breakfast, we told my family about the trip, the things we’d seen, and some of the stories we read about in the journal.
“It’s been a long time since we’ve been to Santarém, hasn’t it, Vi?” my granddad asked my grandmother, using his nickname for her.
“I think we went there for a wedding a few years ago. It was an awful day of rain.”
“I remember that day,” Vóvó Deolinda said from her armchair where she was working on a crochet piece, as usual. “You know, as the old saying goes, a wet wedding makes a blessed marriage.”
“Must be true, Mom,” my grandma said, “because they’re still together, and that gorgeous baby of theirs is just so adorable.”
I looked at my three grandparents chatting with each other like they did every single day, and a pang of longing came over me. I had missed so much of this and would most certainly continue to miss it in the future, and I didn’t know how I felt about that.
After breakfast, we did some shopping for the baking class and headed over to Lisbon to Isaac’s LGBT center.
The LGBT center was in a commercial area in downtown Lisbon.
It was sandwiched between two buildings, and if it weren’t for the rainbow display in the window, I could have walked past it without knowing it was there. Even the small sign above the door was nondescript.
This center was unlike other LGBT centers I’d been to in New York. It looked like the front part was a functional store selling LGBT merchandise, and at the back, there was an office space with two desks and a seating area.
The guy behind one of the desks got up to greet David as soon as we walked in carrying our shopping bags. He looked a little older than us but probably not by much. The thick-rimmed glasses on his face did nothing to hide the dark brown, nearly back color of his eyes. He had short black hair and gorgeous olive skin. The guy was undoubtedly stunning, but what really stood out to me was his friendly and open demeanor.
“Olá, David. How are you? It’s been a while man,” he said with a quick hug and a fist bump.
“Olá, Tiago. I know, I know. Life’s crazy,” David said and then turned to introduce me. “Tiago, this is Joel. Joel, this is Tiago. He volunteers here and knows everything,” he said, punctuating the word everything.
“Well, if I don’t, no one else will.” He shrugged and winked. “The boss is at the back. Go on in.” Tiago motioned to the door behind the desk leading to a long corridor.
“He’s really friendly,” I commented.
“Yeah, he’s an awesome guy. The center would be lost without him, and I get the feeling it goes both ways.”
I didn’t know what David meant and didn’t have a chance to ask because as we turned a corner at the end of the corridor, I bumped into a mass of messy, curly hair. I would have fallen backward if David hadn’t dropped one of his bags and put an arm around me.
“Oh fuck, I’m so sor—” he said, looking up. “David!” Ignoring the fact he nearly knocked me on my ass, the guy put his arms around David in a sign of familiarity I wasn’t sure I was comfortable with.
David hugged the guy back and laughed. This wasn’t a just-friends hug; this was the sign of something stronger. Holy hell, this was Isaac.
David pulled back from the embrace, still smiling, and ruffled the already messy curls on the guy’s head.
“Joel, this is—”
“Isaac,” I interrupted. “Nice to meet you.” I held out my hand to shake, but Isaac had other plans and hugged me, too, although a little tamer than he did David.
“That’s enough, Isaac,” David said, separating us and putting an arm around me. Both Isaac and I laughed.
“Joel, let me give you a tour of the place while David gets settled in the kitchen where he belongs.” He sent a dirty wink toward David and pulled me back to the front of the house where we’d just come from.
I heard David mumbling about knowing this was a bad idea as he picked up all the shopping bags off the floor.
Isaac asked Tiago to fix us all with coffee and told me to take a seat on the other side of his desk. Was I going to get the best friend pep talk? I smiled to myself at the thought.
“So, Joel, I’m glad to finally meet you,” Isaac said, leaning forward, placing his elbows on the desk, and resting his head on his hands.
“You know about me?” I asked. I don’t know why I was surprised that he did. After all, he and David were close, but I didn’t think I would come up in conversation since they hadn’t met until long after I’d been gone.
I don’t know why I hadn’t noticed his eyes earlier; maybe it was because they hadn’t been as focused on me like they were right now. They were a piercing blue-green and stared at me as if they were trying to figure me out.
“He didn’t tell me about you until he accidentally mentioned you in his sleep one day.”
What the actual fuck. Did they sleep together?
My face must have shown my shock because Isaac was quick to say they slept together only a couple of times after a night out when Isaac lived in a smaller apartment with only one bed and no sofa. Nothing had happened between them. Something in his demeanor made me believe what he said.
“I prefer tall, blond, brown-eyed, and sexy assholes who break promises.”
The way he said it I could tell he was talking about someone specific. Isaac was staring at a glass decoration he had on his desk. It had an inscription, but I couldn’t read it from where I was sitting.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” I asked, offering a friendly ear.
“No, it’s not worth the time, Joel.” He paused and then repeated my name like he remembered something, but he changed the subject. “Looks like Tiago gave up on our coffee. He’s so fired.”
�
�I thought he was a volunteer.”
“He is, well, most of the time, anyway,” he chuckled, and then sat back putting on a more serious expression. “I feel it’s my duty to warn you not to hurt David.”
I was expecting him to follow up on his threat with more detail, but all he did was stare at me with his piercing blue-green eyes.
“Um is that it?” I asked, trying to stifle my laugh.
“That’s it,” he said with a shrug.
Tiago came back, without the coffee, just in time to welcome a group of teenage boys and a girl. They high-fived him, and the girl gave him a quick hug before they all bumped Isaac’s fist and then walked through the door.
“That’s David’s class,” he explained.
“They look like good kids.”
“They haven’t got an easy life, but we hope to make it a little better for them and give them the skills they need to secure a better future.”
We walked through the door behind the group to start the tour. Isaac smiled wide as he talked about the center and the kids. Some of them came to the center because they were living in foster care, didn’t have families, or struggled at school and needed additional support to be able to stay in class until they could finish high school and get a job.
When Isaac told me about the homeless kids the center helps because their parents kicked them out for being LGBT, there was sadness in his voice. I knew the reason since David had told me a little about Isaac’s story of being kicked out by his own parents for being gay. The unfairness of it all broke my heart, and I would forever be grateful to my parents for having made it so easy for me to be who I am.
I also had a feeling that as far as Isaac was concerned, any kid that came to him because they were homeless would receive help, whether they were LGBT or not. No one would get turned down.
“We work with other charities when we can’t help. Our funds are very limited since we rely mostly on donations and the support of volunteers,” Isaac explained as we walked up the stairs that led to another floor. “I want to expand the center to be able to offer emergency accommodation, but it’s been a challenge not just from a financial aspect but also the legal side of things. Bureaucracy has a way to forget we’re talking about real people here. Kids who will spend the night outside in the cold with no food and vulnerable to all kinds of predators.” I could hear the frustration in his voice.