by Ana Ashley
“Max.”
“Shhh, it’s okay. Let it out.”
“I... can’t... do it, Max.” Each of my words was coming out in between my breaths as I tried to get air back into my lungs. “Can’t. Do it.”
“Let’s go home, Joebug. Do you want me to drive?”
I’d nodded and gave him the car keys.
When we got home, Max made me get in the shower to warm up since I was shivering despite the relatively mild temperature. Then he’d made me a sweet tea, which was something my mom used to do for us when we were stressed about school or upset with something, and then he lay down with me in bed.
I couldn’t talk because I was trying to process what had happened. My heart was breaking, but my head was still trying to find an excuse or a reason for David’s words.
Ultimately, doubt won. I just had to accept that what had happened between David and me in the last few weeks had meant different things to each of us.
While I’d fallen completely head over heels in love with David, he didn’t feel the same way about me. Maybe he’d started to fall, but he wasn’t in as deep as I was.
Having Max with me was comforting, but I just wanted to be on my own, so after a while, I closed my eyes and tried to regulate my breaths so I looked like I was asleep. I felt him leave the room shortly after. I also hoped that focusing on my breathing would eventually bring on the elusive sleep, but that didn’t happen. Not until it was light outside and my body was too tired to fight it.
When I woke up, it was dark again. I wondered if I’d slept all day, but the clock on the bedside table showed it was two in the afternoon, so I guessed Max had come in the room at some point to close the curtains.
I found Max sitting on the sofa facing the open balcony door, staring at the outside world. I wondered how he was feeling and what exactly had happened last night, but I didn’t have the energy to revisit it all.
I sat next to him, and he put his arm around me.
“You okay, Joebug?”
“No.”
“David came here last night.”
I sat up at that. “What?”
“I’m sorry. I should have told you. You were in the shower.” Max ran his hands through his hair and then fisted them on his lap. “I was so angry with him and Isaac. I’m so sorry. I took it out on him and sent him away,”
I sat back again. “It doesn’t matter anyway. This can’t be fixed.”
“I also did something while you were asleep this morning.”
He looked a little embarrassed as though he’d stepped out of line and was afraid to say so. It almost made me chuckle, and I would have if my chest didn’t feel like I’d been stomped on.
“What did you do?”
“I booked us a few nights away. Nothing fancy, just a hotel room in a small village in the Algarve. I didn’t realize it was so far away from here, but it just looked ideal to escape for a few days.”
This was why we’d been friends all these years. Max and I knew each other so well, and no matter what happened, we came first every single time. I did need to escape from it all. Even if only for a few days.
When I’d broken up with Lance after I realized he wasn’t the person I thought he was, Max had packed my bags and taken me to my grandmother’s house in the Hamptons. We both had keys since I’d insisted that it was as much his house to use as it was mine. I hadn’t even known where we were going until I’d noticed the road signs.
There were no Hamptons in Portugal, so Max did the next best thing because he was thinking about me, something David had failed to do. The thought caused a fresh batch of tears to stream down my face.
“So, what do you say, Joebug?”
“I love you, Max. Thank you.”
“I love you, too, bud.”
Around six o’clock, there was a knock on the door. My eyes were red-rimmed from crying, and I had dark circles under my eyes, so we hadn’t left the apartment all day because I didn’t want to risk bumping into anyone I knew. We decided to pack our bags and take it easy for the day.
My granddad was the last person I expected to see on the other side of the door. He mostly kept to himself unless we were having a heart to heart, which meant my grandmother had sent him.
“Avô, come in.” I opened the door to let him in and noticed he was holding a carrier bag.
“Hey, son, your grandmother was worried. She hasn’t seen you all day and sent me with some food.”
“You mean sent you to snoop.” I laughed.
“Yeah.” He shrugged. “She thought you were coming over for breakfast this morning, but you didn’t show up. Then she stopped by the café, and Teresa said David wasn’t there because he’s sick. So, I’m here with food.”
“Thanks, Granddad, but David isn’t here.” I wasn’t sure how much to tell him, so I said nothing.
“What’s going on, Joel?”
“Nothing’s going on, Granddad. I haven’t seen David since last night. Max and I are going away for a few days.”
“David isn’t going with you?”
“No.”
My granddad seemed to understand I wasn’t going to say much more. He probably thought we’d had a falling out and would be back to being friends again soon.
“Okay, I’ll tell your grandmother you’ll be by tomorrow for breakfast before you go.” The way he looked at me told me there wasn’t a question or request in his words. I’d better go to breakfast, or I’d never hear the end of it. God, I loved my grandparents so much.
We didn’t dare miss breakfast the next morning, and quite strangely, there were no questions about where David was or if we’d had a falling out. Maybe we’d been such great actors that it hadn’t occurred to my grandparents that David and I had been more than friends.
My great-grandmother asked us about where we were going and what we were planning on doing.
“We’ve only just got a new head nurse at the hospital to replace Sílvia, so between picking up extra shifts and additional responsibility, it’s been quite stressful. Rest and recuperation by the beach are just what we need,” Max said.
“But you have the beach here,” my grandmother said.
“We’re just taking the opportunity to show Max a bit more of the country, Avó.”
They seemed to accept what we said, but in the back of my mind, there was a feeling that maybe there was something behind their too easy acceptance of our reasons for going away.
As Max had predicted, we spent all the time we were away on the beach or by the pool. Max said he could explore the country another time, and I was thankful for it because I didn’t remember a time when I’d felt as exhausted as I did right now.
I would wake up much later than usual for me, and despite doing very little all day, I was in bed by ten o’clock each night. I’d also lost my appetite, something that Max had noticed because he kept trying to feed me using the excuse that he needed to try all the amazing Portuguese food.
We’d also not talked about David or Isaac. Not a single word. Part of me was glad we hadn’t, but another part of me wanted to talk about it. The way we’d both got through hard times in the past had always been by talking about it.
Max seemed like he was back to normal, and I wasn’t sure if the situation with Isaac hadn’t been that big of a deal or if he was just too good at hiding it, even from me.
Whatever it was, he wasn’t talking about it, and neither was I.
On our drive back to Caparica, my phone buzzed with a text from my cousin, and I made a decision.
I just needed to see my grandparents first.
25
David
I couldn’t blame Max for asking me to leave after I came back to Joel’s apartment the night we went to the club. I was glad he had someone in his corner to fight for him.
I couldn’t change what I’d done, and Max was right. Anything I said now would look like damage control. I’d done irreparable harm to my relationship with Joel because I was afraid to be outed by a jac
kass whose word was unlikely to be believed by anyone I knew, anyway.
All I wanted now was to apologize to Joel.
I would have to set aside my feelings for him to make sure my actions didn’t cause any more heartache to the people we both cared about.
I was in love with Joel. It was as simple as that. I probably had been since the day we kissed on the beach as teenagers. Having the opportunity to get to know Joel as an adult was the best gift I could have asked for. Everything else that happened was a dream, and something I’d never thought I’d experience in my lifetime.
Maybe one day in the far distant future, I would find myself in a relationship, maybe even with another man, but I knew it would never be as deep and meaningful as what I had with Joel. The thought that I’d nearly had it all and thrown it away made me feel sick to my core.
It was all my fault, and I would undoubtedly spend the rest of my life hating myself for it, but there was one thing I could still do. I needed to make sure that my actions didn’t have any consequences for Joel’s grandparents.
Once I’d come home that night, I’d felt physically sick and had spent all night on the bathroom floor. Between that and crying until I passed out, I’d mainly felt guilty and sorry for myself.
I’d finally managed to get off the floor and had a shower around midday. I’d called my aunt to say I wasn’t feeling well and would be staying home, probably for a few days. She asked if there was anything she could do to help, but I didn’t want her to come here and see me like this.
I was feeling too brittle to stop myself from crumbling and just blurting out everything I was carrying in my heart.
Joel may not want to see me again, but I needed to speak to him. I needed to make sure he wasn’t going to go back to New York to never return again. It would kill his grandparents, and I knew it would kill him too not to see his family. Even if I had to make sure I was never in the area again whenever he came back, I needed him to come back for them.
When I finally mustered enough courage to go to his apartment, he wasn’t there. I’d seen Violeta on my way back to my apartment, and she’d told me he and Max had gone away for a few days.
I’d made it to my apartment just in time to run straight to the bathroom where I was sick. I didn’t even know how I could still be sick when I didn’t remember the last time I’d eaten. He was already gone. I knew it wasn’t permanent because he’d have to be back before he left for New York, but in my mind, this was the first step to him being gone forever.
That night I spent the whole night in my old bedroom sitting on my office chair, facing Joel’s apartment. His bedroom door was closed because he wasn’t there, but the memories of the nights we’d spent talking to each other over the balconies came to me all the same.
Eventually, I replaced the chair with the love seat from the living room because it was more comfortable. My body was demanding sleep, but I was scared I’d miss him, so I kept looking across the street. There was no movement, and no lights were on. There was just silence and darkness for the next two days.
When my body was too exhausted to stare across the street without wanting to crash out, I read the journal. I went through each post our moms wrote, trying to find some comfort in their words. Each time I read it, I couldn’t reach the end because the tears made it hard to see, and I didn’t want to damage it.
I didn’t know how much more heartache I could take. For every hour Joel didn’t return, I felt like I was closer and closer to a breaking point. I didn’t know what would happen if I did break. Maybe I already had, and how I was feeling was what I was meant to feel. This was what happened when you broke someone’s heart. This was how you paid.
He’d said he loved me in his sleep. Why hadn’t I grabbed that gift with both hands?
After five days of Joel being gone, I finally saw something. I ran across the road to his apartment.
“Joel.” I knocked. “I need to speak to you, please.”
Once again, Max opened the door but only to walk past me, leaving the door open. I didn’t want to just walk in, so I called out from the door, “Joel?”
“Come in.” I heard his voice from inside the apartment. I walked in and saw him standing in the middle of his living room, his arms crossed as though he was trying to protect himself.
As soon as I looked into his eyes, the last remains of my heart broke. I saw resolution in them. Whatever strength he had, he was channeling it all into what he had decided.
“I’m too late, aren’t I?” I asked.
“Too late for what?”
“To ask that you don’t leave forever again.”
“You don’t have the right to ask me anything, David.”
“I know.” Tears were streaming down my face. I wiped them with my hands and tried to say what I needed to say. “Joel... I know I hurt you—”
“No, you don’t, David,” he cried. “You don’t know how I feel, because if you knew, then you’d know that I fucking loved you and that I would have been there for you while you worked your stuff out. But you know what? I’m better than being a secret, and I don’t want to lie to the only family I have left.
“More than anything, I am not going to be cast aside and my role in your life stomped on so you can keep your secret.”
He wiped the tears in his eyes and turned around so he was no longer facing me.
“Say what you want to say and then leave. I’m going home soon and have stuff to do.”
Home. He was going home to New York because that’s where his home was. Not here with his grandparents or with me.
“I... I just wanted to ask that you come back. Your grandparents talked about you all the time. They missed you growing up. If you don’t want to see me ever again, I understand... but please come back for them. If you want, I can go away when you come back so you don’t have to see me but, please—”
“Okay.” That’s all he said, and I’d have to take it. It was also goodbye.
When I got back to my apartment, the front door was ajar. I walked in thinking I’d been so focused on getting to Joel I’d forgotten to close the door, but then I found my aunt and uncle both sitting in the living room.
My aunt came to me as soon as I walked in and put her arms around me. I didn’t think it was possible to cry any more than I already had in the last few days, but I was wrong because as soon as I felt her embrace and smelled her perfume, I broke down.
“Tia...”
“Sweetheart, what’s going on? You’re worrying us.”
“I... I...” I couldn’t even say it. I was so scared. I’d lost my mom, and I’d lost Joel, I couldn’t lose my aunt and uncle too.
“Come take a seat. I’ll get you some water.”
I sat down, facing my uncle. He looked worried and regretful, not something I was expecting to see.
My aunt came back with a glass of water, which I drank down in almost one gulp. I suddenly felt guilty that I hadn’t looked after myself and was now worrying my family.
“David,” my aunt said, “you know you’re more than a nephew to us, don’t you? You have been my son since the day you were born, more so since your mom left us.”
I looked at my uncle, and there was a small smile on his lips. He nodded. Once upon a time, he’d treated me as a son, and I’d looked up to him as a father. I wondered if there was anything of that relationship left.
“Tia, Tio,” I addressed both of them. I knew there was only one thing I could do. Take the last shred of hope I had and grab it. Tell them the truth. They deserved to know.
“I’m gay.” My eyes flickered between both. My uncle froze. My aunt covered her mouth with her hands and let out a sound I wasn’t sure was a sob or something else.
I couldn’t see through all the tears in my eyes. I was so fucking tired of crying.
I couldn’t face them anymore, so I looked down and covered my face with my hands. I felt a shift on the sofa next to me and then a small body holding me from my left. Seconds later, I felt
a larger body holding me to my right.
The three of us stayed locked in our embrace for a long time.
I was going to speak, but my uncle spoke first.
“I’m sorry, son.” He pulled back and was looking at me with tears in his eyes. “I’ve done despicable things. I’ve treated you in ways you didn’t deserve, but it wasn’t because I didn’t love you. Quite the opposite. It was because I loved you.”
“What?” I shouted, suddenly feeling quite angry. “You’ve called me a barrage of names, you threatened me, and—”
My aunt interrupted me by putting her hands on mine.
“David, your uncle has a few things to say. He may not deserve that you hear them, but I am asking you that you do.”
I looked at my uncle again and nodded for him to continue.
“Some things happened before you were born, David. I’m going to tell you about them. I had all intentions of taking them to the grave with me, but... recently I’ve thought that maybe that is the wrong thing to do.
I was born in Porto and had a younger brother, Vítor. My parents moved us all to this area when I was fourteen because my father had a job in construction. He was a hard man, very traditional, and the only way he knew to discipline us when we did something wrong was with a cane.”
I saw him flinch at the memory he was recollecting, but I didn’t interrupt.
“Vítor was a shy kind of boy and very thoughtful. He liked to draw houses and always had a drawing pad with him. We used to joke that one day he would be an architect, even though we knew we couldn’t afford for either of us to go to university.
My father thought men were supposed to be tough and respected. When he drank, which was quite often, Vítor was his target. I tried to help him and deflect the situation as often as I could, which worked most of the time.
As we grew up, I became close to this beautiful girl. She was all I could think about, and I spent all my time talking to her and telling her how great she was and that one day I was going to marry her.”
He looked at my aunt with so much love in his eyes that I knew he was talking about her.