by Ana Ashley
Now that was something I should be focusing on rather than my lack of a love life. Maybe I needed to go out dancing soon to get the need out of my system. That always helped when I hit a slump in my search.
I spent the rest of the evening packing my stuff in boxes to take to storage. No point in moving everything over to Isaac's apartment. For the sake of two months, I could live out of a suitcase. Besides, Isaac's apartment was fully furnished and very nice. I was already looking forward to sitting on his balcony and enjoying the views over the river Tagus.
When Monday didn't start in the best way, I knew there wouldn’t be much hope for the rest of the week. It began with a local furniture company withdrawing their offer so they could help furnish a homeless shelter. They’d originally promised us their old display bedrooms so we could finish furnishing the last few rooms we had left in the center. .
I couldn't even argue because it was also a good cause, but I was starting to get more and more fed up with the LGBTQ center’s help being withdrawn to support other causes that weren't as controversial, because somehow, helping young people in need became controversial from the moment their sexuality or gender preference came into play.
The rest of the week didn't fare any better. While we already had a few rooms furnished so we could offer emergency accommodation to LGBTQ youth, the fact was the building we were in was old and the running costs were increasing, as were the number of repairs that were needed. A meeting with the Lisbon Council representative was the final nail in the coffin. There were no additional funds for us this year, and since we already had the building, furnished accommodations, and all the facilities of a day youth center, there was no way they'd relocate us to better facilities elsewhere.
By the time I met my friend, police detective Fred, on Friday night, I was ready to forget the week.
"Hey, T, you look like you need to get drunk, laid, or both."
I laughed. I'd met Fred around four years ago when he came to the center to introduce himself as the detective in charge of missing persons. As a gay man himself, he took particular interest in cases that involved LGBTQ people. Not surprisingly, he hadn't been aware of my own ongoing case since his predecessor hadn't briefed him. That was something else that didn't surprise me. The man had been nothing short of a homophobe who kept insisting that my brother was likely dead because that's what happens to the majority of LGBTQ homeless kids.
I hadn't been too sure the young detective had enough experience to do any more than the last two detectives had done, but he'd proved me wrong.
In the last three years, Fred had used all the technology that was available to him to find Afonso. He seemed almost as invested in finding my brother as I was, which was something I couldn't quite understand but appreciated nonetheless.
"Freddie, sweet cheeks, have you got anything for me?"
That was the first question I asked every single time I saw Fred, and nine times out of ten the answer was no, but man did I live for the one time he said yes, even when it had turned out to be a dead end.
"Not today, babe."
The words were expected, but there was something behind them. Reticence? Did he know more than he could tell? Despite our friendship, I knew sometimes Fred couldn't tell me what he knew. I still trusted him to share what he had as soon as he could, so I decided to not give it too much thought.
"Well then, let's get drunk." I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the bar and ordered two shots and two beers.
As the alcohol settled in my stomach, I started feeling more and more relaxed. Most of the time, I was in control, always prepared in case I heard any news that meant I'd need to go get my brother. The times when I let go were few and far between, especially since Isaac got all loved up and then moved to New York, which increased my workload at the center.
The beat of the music was inviting, and I found myself wanting to let loose on the dance floor.
I took Fred's hand and pulled him toward the mass of bodies grinding and moving with the song.
Fred was taller and bigger than me, so I placed myself with my back to his front and wrapped his hands around my waist. We moved together to the rhythm of the song. Maybe it was the alcohol or the funky mood I was in, but suddenly I felt I needed more than the innocent grinding that we always defaulted to when we came out dancing.
When Fred first came to the center, he'd crushed hard on Isaac, who was at first totally unaware and then unavailable. Since then, I hadn't seen Fred with anyone, which wasn't to say he didn't date.
We had this unspoken agreement that we wouldn't take things any further than the drunken kiss we'd shared a few months ago. We both knew it wouldn't lead anywhere and could ruin our friendship.
Today, however, with his hardness grinding against my ass and his hands roaming my chest, I was ready to let go of that agreement and ask him to fuck me five ways into Sunday.
Fred was totally my type: taller than me, bigger and stronger, someone who lives to care for others. Maybe for tonight, I could pretend that we were into each other and I could chase the loneliness away. Just for tonight.
"What's going on in that pretty head of yours?" he said in my ear. It was loud enough to be heard over the thump thump of the music, but quiet enough that his low voice and his breath on my ear made me shiver and my jeans tighten.
I turned around, and as he took in a breath when our hips lined up, Fred's eyes went dark and searching.
"Been a while for you, too?" I asked.
"Yeah," he said, running a hand through his short beard. "You know we shouldn't."
"I know. Don't you sometimes just want to forget about all the shouldn'ts?"
"More often than I care to admit."
"Do you ever give in?"
"No," he said. No further explanation needed.
I placed a light kiss on his lips and rested my head on his shoulder as we swayed along with the music.
We stayed a little longer in the club and then Fred drove me home since he'd had nothing else to drink after the first two, and that had been hours ago. Despite my initial plan for the evening, I wasn't half as drunk as I thought I would have been, considering the amount of shots and beer I'd downed earlier in the evening.
"Thanks for watching out for me, sweet cheeks," I said, taking the house keys from my pocket.
"Anytime, babe."
Fred paused, like he was considering what to say next.
"Tiago, you know I'd tell you if I could, right?"
I nodded. That was all he needed to say. I had to be patient and soon he'd be able to let me in on what he was working on, especially if there was a chance of it leading to the location of my brother.
Fred kissed me on the cheek and left.
I hated going to bed without a shower, especially if I'd been out dancing. It was nice getting clean of the club smells, the sweat, beer, and bitter disappointment of coming home alone.
The hot water felt like heaven on my skin.
While my dick was all up for playing earlier, now it was truly out for the night. Maybe the alcohol did have an effect on me after all. Still, I had a weekend of packing and moving ahead of me, so I went to bed hoping for a peaceful night without the usual nightmares that consisted of all the horrible things that may have happened to my little brother in the last eight years.
3
Vítor
"Mr. Alves, can I call you Vítor?"
"Of course."
He nodded. "And please call me Bernardo. Don't take my question in the wrong way, I am very pleased that you agreed to meet with me. My question is, why now?"
I couldn't say I was caught off guard, after all, I'd been asking myself the same question from the moment I'd decided to accept one of the many requests for a meeting from one of the partners at Lopes Dias Gomes Architects.
I was expecting the question. After all, Bernardo had been trying to meet up with me for the last year, and even when I'd repeatedly said I was happy in my current partnership, they'd always ke
pt the door open for me.
Answering it was the harder part. I knew I was meant to keep my cards close to my chest to get the best deal, but that had been a role best suited for Dri. He'd always said that no matter how much I tried, I was like glass, totally see-through. He'd also said it was one of the things he loved about me.
A pang of sadness and unease came over me. Was I betraying him by being here in Lisbon meeting with another firm? We'd worked so damned hard to be taken on as joint partners, especially because we'd had to keep our relationship a secret initially.
I decided to be honest.
"Bernardo, I want to say that this is a great opportunity for me and I would welcome the change. I've followed the projects your partnership has been involved with, and I've been impressed with how you manage to bring history and tradition into the current times." I let out a long breath. "If you want to know the truth, I don't know why I'm here."
"We've also been keeping an eye on your work, Vítor. We've wanted you with us for a long time, but we didn't think you would ever consider a partnership that didn't include Rodrigo. We are a smaller firm of three with a few junior and senior architects. Over the years, we've wanted to bring you in as a senior architect, but then our hopes were crushed when you became a partner in your current firm. Now that my good friend and partner João Dias is retiring, we thought it would be a good opportunity to bring you on as a partner to Lopes Gomes Alves." He took a sip of his espresso and smiled. "It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"
I laughed. "You're a good salesman, Bernardo."
"I'm not selling, Vítor. The job is yours. We are ready for you. the question is, are you ready for a move?"
Part of me was ready for a move. Professionally, it was a great move. Recently I'd felt that, while I had a certain degree of influence in my current partnership, the fact that there were six partners in total made it challenging to get the right projects through the door. They were all about chasing the next big contract to design shopping centers, government buildings, and celebrity homes. Dri and I wanted to design people's dreams, not chase the next big paycheck.
I got that it was important for our reputation to do a certain amount of work that put our name out there, but since Dri's place in the partnership had been replaced by a senior architect who was more interested in being in celebrity gossip magazines, I felt the partnership had lost its way.
"Bernardo, I really appreciate your offer. You are right, I'm not sure I'm ready for such a big move. Professionally, it makes sense, and if there were no other factors, I'd be jumping in with both feet. Personally, there are a few things I need to work through before I can accept your offer and we start working through the details. I'm in Lisbon until tomorrow. I can come to your office before I drive up to Porto. I'll have your answer for you then."
I needed to think about Bernardo's offer, and since I'd spent the morning in the car and then sat down for lunch with Bernardo, I felt like walking it out.
Maybe taking in the sounds, the smells, and the people of Lisbon would give me some clarity.
A long time ago, this city was my escape. The place I used to go to when I was trying to figure myself out. That was before the events that changed my life forever happened right here.
I couldn't blame the city, of course, but the feelings that were being churned up were still hard to face.
When I'd moved to Porto, I found my real escape. I was lucky that I found someone that helped me when I needed it the most. I met Dri shortly afterward and hadn't looked back since.
Well, that wasn't totally true. While I didn't think of the past, I wondered if my brother still lived in the same place with his wife and kids, if they were happy. Despite everything, they were the ones I hoped I'd saved when I'd made the decision to leave.
He'd always been my protector. Whenever my father had decided I wasn't man enough to be his son, it was my brother that put himself between us, almost always ending up on the receiving end of our father's fists.
I wondered about Paula. My best friend and keeper of my secrets. Would she hate me too because I didn't tell her I was running away? Maybe it was too much to hope that she'd understand why I'd had to do it.
She'd been the only person I'd confided in when I was struggling with my sexuality and myself.
Despite my father's jibes about me being girly, weak, a sissy, I'd always thought I was just an introvert. I'd focused on my drawings and dreams of designing buildings. I guess I was a late bloomer, or maybe it was because under the watchful eye of my father, I naturally stopped thinking of myself in the context of sexuality or sexual identity.
It wasn't until I saw an actor on a popular telenovela that I wondered for the first time if I was interested in boys. I was only sixteen. He was so beautiful that I couldn't take my eyes off the TV. I became obsessed to the point I would never miss an episode and had to watch it with a cushion on my lap to hide my erection.
Sharing a bedroom with my brother then didn't allow me much privacy, so I became an expert at bringing myself to climax in the bathroom in record time. Of course, that only brought on more guilt and fear of my father because he was actually right.
As I grew older, my dad's physical abuse decreased slightly, but the emotional and verbal abuse became so bad that I started denying to both Paula and myself that I was gay.
I took on a job on a building site, much to the disappointment of my brother who wanted me to go to university and even offered to help me with the costs.
No, I needed to do a man's job because I was strong and straight, and one day I would marry Paula because she was my best friend.
I laughed. So much for taking in the feel of Lisbon when I'd been walking for around two hours lost in thought. I found myself in downtown Lisbon near a famous café known for its custard tarts. Dri had been addicted to custard tarts so he'd buy them anywhere he could, although more often than not they were from a store. It had been a while since I'd had one in a café, especially one that made them on site.
Before I could go in something pulled at my coat sleeve. I turned to see an older Gypsy woman looking at me and thrusting a small bouquet of dried flowers in my direction. Her clothes were well-worn, but the scarf on her head was full of bright colors in a traditional pattern of gold and red flowers.
"Oh, no, thank you." I tried to decline the offer. She was probably trying to get some money from me.
"For the love of your life," she said. Her eyes were bright green and didn't go with the dark color of her skin and the wrinkles that adorned her face.
Maybe it was the mood I was in, or maybe it was the piercing look she gave me. I couldn't dismiss her.
"I'm afraid the love of my life is no longer with us."
She took my hand and turned it over so my palm was facing up before looking closer and tracing some of the lines in my hand.
"My son, we can have more than one great love in our lifetime." She placed the small bouquet in my palm and wrapped my fingers around it. Then she smiled at me and left.
I stared at her as she disappeared around the corner. I considered chasing after her to tell her she was wrong and to return the flowers, but decided against it and went into the café instead. What I needed was a custard tart and a coffee. Putting the small bouquet in my pocket, I approached the counter to place my order.
After an afternoon of reflection, I was considering accepting Bernardo's offer. I decided I would attempt reaching out to Mateus once again and then make up my mind.
The call was about to go to voicemail when I heard the voice on the other side.
"Hi, Dad."
Those two little words nearly brought tears to my eyes.
"Mateus, son. I'm so—"
"Wait, Dad. Let me speak."
"Okay."
"Look, I trust that you didn't know, and I think Dad probably thought he was doing what he thought was best, as always."
I let out a choked laugh, he was so right. Dri did think he always knew best. He'd done every
thing with the best intentions, and he'd had the biggest heart of anyone I'd ever met, but man, did he think he knew it all.
"Thing is, Dad, I don't know who I am now. Everything I knew to be true about where I come from isn't, and I need some space to come to terms with it and figure out what I'm going to do. I just need some space, okay?"
If it meant I wasn't going to lose my son I was willing to give him all the time in the world.
"I'll be here when you're ready, Mateus."
I paused, considering how to tell him about Lisbon.
"I'll speak to you soon, Dad."
"Wait, please. There's something I need to tell you. I've been offered a partnership in a different company. I'm considering it."
"That's great. I think you should take it."
"They're based in Lisbon."
"Are you going to move there?"
I really wished I could tell from his voice how he felt about this.
"Temporarily, yes, if I take the job. I may be able to negotiate working from a satellite office in Porto."
"Go for it. It would be good for you to have some change."
"Thanks. I'd like to see you before I move."
"I'll think about it."
"Okay, son. I love you, Mateus."
"Love you, too, Dad."
When I ended the call, I felt a need to move, do something, so I left the café and resumed my walk.
I don't know how I didn't realize the direction I'd been walking in, and then didn't have to wonder for very long if the bar was still there, because as soon as I turned a corner, what I saw had me stop in my tracks.
After twenty-seven years I'd expected the entrance to have had an upgrade, but the "Bar Livre" sign was still the same. One thing was strikingly different, and that was the big rainbow flag flying proudly above the door.
Two guys walked out of the bar hand in hand. The music coming from inside was inviting. Maybe it was morbid curiosity, but suddenly I needed to revisit the place that had sealed the fate of my life.