by Ana Ashley
"They were never able to get pregnant again. I guess that's why they kept me."
"What do you mean?"
"Mom died when I was fifteen. She had cancer. Aunt Teresa and Uncle Mário looked after me until I was old enough to live on my own."
I got up and ran to the bathroom, making it just in time to throw up what I'd had for lunch earlier.
When I ran away from the hospital all those years ago, I knew I'd never get a chance to see my family and friends again. I'd spent years thinking my brother had taken our father's side, but I'd always regretted not getting in touch with Paula. She would have kept one more secret for me, even if that secret was that she knew where I was. She would have told me about my brother.
Whenever Dri had asked me if I regretted not going back to see my family or Paula, I'd always said no, and now it was all I had, regret.
I washed my face and brushed my teeth before going back out to the living room.
David stood by the open glass panels. It was a warm day, and with the small breeze, the scent of the flowers came into the house.
I walked up to him and gave him a heartfelt hug. "I'm so sorry, David. I loved her so much. She was my best friend. I'm so sorry."
He tensed up but then gave in and hugged me back.
"It must have been hard on your dad, raising a teenage boy by himself. Is that why you're so close to Teresa and Mário?"
"I don't have a dad. My mom raised me on her own."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know who my dad is. No one knows. Mom never talked about him." He looked at me and his cheeks went a little pink. "Er, that was one of the reasons I wanted to find you. It wasn't just because of Uncle Mário."
I wasn't sure what he meant, so I nodded for him to carry on.
"Uncle Mário and I didn't have a great relationship for a long time. He suspected I was gay when I was thirteen, and I didn't know this at the time, but he was afraid that I'd run away like you did. It wasn't until last year when Joel was back that I came out to them. That's when they mentioned you. I didn't even know you existed. They said you were Mom's best friend, especially after Joel's mom and dad left for America. I thought… I thought you'd know if she had a boyfriend."
"I'm sorry, David, I don't know. She didn't have a boyfriend before I left."
Looking into his brown eyes that were so much like his mom's, it suddenly dawned on me.
"David, how old are you?"
"I'm going to be twenty-eight at the end of the summer."
I stared at him, unable to talk, and then I laughed. I laughed so hard I started to cry and then I pulled him into my arms.
"I have a son. I have a son."
He looked confused. "I know. Tiago said you have a son called Mateus, right?"
"Yes, Mateus is my son, but he isn't my biological son. But, David, you are."
"What?"
"We can do a DNA test to verify, but I know it, David. You're my son."
"How do you know?" His voice broke, and I could hear the hope and the fear in it.
"Paula and I were together once. It was only a month before everything happened. She wouldn't have known she was pregnant then. She was too dedicated to her work and her baking to date; she'd never even been with anyone before."
"But you're gay."
"Yeah, well, it was complicated back then. I was confused, inexperienced, and on that one night, I was also drunk. We both were. Also, David is my middle name."
"She named me after you."
We stood there staring at each other with the sounds of the birds in the background. It was so clear now, yes David had a lot of Paula's features in him, but he also looked so much like me. How had they all missed the similarity? He must have looked so much like me when he was a child.
More regret washed over me. I'd missed so much from David's life: his first steps, first words, first day of school, the first time he'd baked something with his mom.
"David, I want you to know that whatever my father did to me, if I'd known Paula was pregnant, I wouldn't have run. I thought I was protecting everyone that cared about me from my father."
"I believe that. The actions and beliefs of one man shaped the lives of so many people around him, people it was his job to love and protect." He paused before shaking his head and saying, "Oh my god, I have a father."
My chest expanded, and I couldn't stop more tears from falling. "Yes, you do. Nothing would make me happier than to get to know you. I hope soon you can meet Mateus, too."
"Holy shit, I have a brother." He was beaming. "I always wanted a brother."
We hugged again.
"Er, Vítor." We both smiled and then he pointed at the bags by the door. "Are you going somewhere?"
"I have to go back to Lisbon because of work."
"Does that mean you'll go back to Tiago?" He looked hopeful.
I wasn't sure what to say. Despite everything I'd just found out—we'd just found out—I knew David still very much had Tiago's back, and the truth was, I didn't know how to handle any of this.
"Don't stay stuck in the past," David said. "The only past we should remember is the good one. When Mom died, I was so angry because I was left on my own. Yes, I still had family, but I didn't have a dad and Joel was in America. He didn't come back for a long time. I held on to that hurt and hid myself away. We can all live with regret, but I think it would be better if we lived with hope."
I laughed because it was like I was listening to Paula all over again: "Vítor, you are who you are. What if you get to be ninety years old and you look back and all you can show for it is a life that wasn't yours?"
"You sound just like your mother," I said.
He rubbed the back of his neck. "I've been told that before."
"Do you think Tiago will forgive me?"
"I'd say he's asking himself the same question. Did you know he came here?"
"What? When?"
"Just after you left Lisbon. He came to speak to you, but when he got here, he said he saw you with another man."
"That would have been Luís. He's my best friend; we've known each other for years. There's absolutely nothing between us."
"Then Tiago needs to know that because he's mopey as shit and my cakes come out all wrong when he's in the center."
I laughed. I didn't believe in a world where David's cakes came out wrong. I'd had some of them, and my boy was talented.
"David, do you have a way to get me in the center while Tiago isn't there?"
"Yes, I have keys."
"How did you get here?"
"By train. It was quicker and I was too angry at you to drive."
"Well then, let's go get my man. I'm going to take the advice of my wise-beyond-his-years son and live for the hope."
He smiled and took one of the bags while I closed up the glass panels and made sure the house was secure before we left.
"I'm going to ask Joel to marry me this summer."
The way he said it, I knew it was the first time he'd said the words aloud. My heart grew in size at the realization that my son, one of them, had just had a first with me. And what a first it was.
"I'd like you to be there."
"I wouldn't miss it for the world."
As I drove us back to Lisbon, we spent the next three hours getting to know each other better and planning how I was going to win my family and the second love of my life back. The small bunch of dried flowers was in my jacket pocket.
Sebastião was right, the Gypsy woman was right, and now it was my turn to do what was right.
24
Tiago
"Why don't you take some time off and come to New York? I'd love to show you around."
"I can't," I said for the hundredth time, but Isaac wasn't letting up. "Since the fundraiser, things have been crazy around here. There's an art gallery interested in showcasing art made by the kids. I agreed to meet the gallery manager this week. So I can't just pack my bags and go."
"Maybe we can fly ou
t there and you can take some time off? We could do a road trip and show Max the north of Portugal. How about the waterfalls in Gerês? And I'd love to meet Afonso."
My heart skipped a beat and I coughed involuntarily to get it to go back to its regular beat.
"Er, sure, if you're up for it."
"Okay, I'll speak to Max, and I'll let you know."
There was a silence, and I wondered if Isaac was trying to find yet another reason for me to take time off work. Before he did that, I decided to talk about the reason I'd called him.
"Isaac, you know how you've been pestering me to take over the center properly?"
"Yes?"
"I'm ready for it now. Afonso is here and he's safe, so I feel like I can give the center my all."
"Tiago."
"I have some ideas for improvements, and I even have a few people in mind to help me around here."
"Tiago."
"Of course, I'd love you to still be involved, even if we only discuss ideas and work more on the student exchange stuff together. Just because you're there doesn't mean you have to let go completely. This is your baby as much as mine."
"TIAGO!" He shouted so loud I jumped in my chair.
"What?"
"For goodness’ sake, man, take a breather and listen for a second."
"Okay…"
I heard his sigh as though he was right next to me.
"I know what you're doing. Do you think that by being busier at work you'll suddenly forget Vítor or stop having feelings for him?"
"No, that's not—"
"Tiago, how did that pan out for me?"
It hadn't. I'd been there for Isaac after he came back from New York talking about this guy he'd met there, Max. And then again when something went down between them in the summer. Isaac had buried himself in work, and we'd spent most of the summer doing various jobs around the center and coming up with initiatives to raise the profile of the center and boost the money we needed to support the LGBTQ kids that came to us. It hadn't been until Max had returned to Lisbon a second time that they'd gotten together.
"What would you want me to do? Unlike your story, mine isn't going to have a happy ending."
"Even so, get out there and enjoy yourself. You've already lost so much of yourself in the search for your brother, if I asked you what your favorite color was, you wouldn't know what to answer."
"It's blue."
"Tiago"—he sighed—"just… look after yourself for once, okay?"
"I miss you here."
"I miss the center, too."
"Say hi to Max and Lucy for me."
"Will do. Speak soon."
I put the phone down and fell back on the bed. Staring at the ceiling, I considered Isaac's words. He was right. I knew I'd lost myself along the way in the search for my brother. When Vítor had come along, I'd leaned on him because it was easy and he was so good at looking after me.
This was the time to think about who I wanted to be.
I already had the best job in the world, check.
My brother was safe and with me, check.
I tried to come up with more but kept falling short. I really didn't have anything else going on in my life. How did someone get to be nearly thirty and not have a hobby or an interest?
I was pulled out of my thoughts by a knock on the door. It would only be Afonso, so I told him to come in.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asked.
"I love you, Flea, but you need to stop asking me that every five minutes. What's up?"
He came over to the bed and lay down next to me.
"I wanted to ask you something."
"Okay."
"Well, it was more your opinion. Dr. Vasco said I need to work on asking for an opinion rather than permission because I have a choice even if you don't agree with it."
I turned sideways to face him and leaned my head on my elbow. He turned to face me.
"That's right. What do you want my opinion for?"
"Do you remember when we talked about what I wanted to do and I didn't know? I think I do, at least for now."
"That's great. You know I'll support you with whatever you want to do."
"Pedro asked if I wanted to work at his beach snack bar. I wasn't sure at first, but I've thought about it."
"What weren't you sure about?"
"I was afraid of all the people. I still get anxious when there are lots of people around."
He was doing much better now, but I could understand his reluctance to work in a place full of people all the time.
"And now?"
"Pedro will be there with me. He said if I struggle, to let him know and I can always go over to Bruno's apartment and hide away until the anxiety goes."
"Sounds good."
"I know it's not a job that will bring in lots of money, but I don't think I'm ready to go back to school just yet."
That had been something else we'd talked about. Afonso had missed all of his schooling from the age of thirteen. He'd had access to books and enjoyed reading, but we still needed to assess how far behind he was and how he could catch up.
"It sounds like an excellent idea to me. I hope I get a friends and family discount." I winked and pulled him in for a hug, ruffling his hair.
This was good. Talking to my brother and finding our new normal was good.
"What if I take tomorrow off and we go over to Estoril to watch the surfers?"
His face went beet red, and he lay back on the bed.
"Fred is taking me to the beach to teach me how to surf tomorrow."
I knew Afonso worshiped the ground Fred walked on, so I wasn't surprised I'd get ditched so easily.
"Can I come watch?"
"No," he said quickly. "Er, what I mean is that it's going to be embarrassing, and I'll probably fall a lot. You should go to work."
"Okay," I said, ruffling his hair again and then laughed when he groaned. It would take me a while to remember he was twenty-one now. My grown-up little brother.
Since Fred had picked Afonso up from the apartment at the crack of dawn for their surf lesson, I decided to get up and go to work. Maybe I could finish early today and see if Fred and Afonso were up for a movie and dinner.
When I arrived at the center, I was surprised to see the fairy lights in the garden were on. I didn't remember leaving them on, so I hoped it had been one of the resident kids that had forgotten to turn them off last night rather than them being on all weekend. I made a mental note to remind the kids of the fire hazard of leaving the lights on, not to mention the electric bill.
I filled the water container in the coffee machine, added the ground coffee, and turned it on. I knew I'd easily go through the whole pot before lunchtime.
I turned the lights off at the main switch, but they turned back on again. What the hell?
When I turned them off again, they turned back on.
"Fuck me if I have to add finding an electrician to today's list," I muttered to myself.
As I stepped out into the garden, a lot more lights came on. It was early summer. The sun was already rising at this time, so the lights didn't have the same effect that they did at night, but it was still stunning. There were also a lot more lights than usual.
I looked around and didn't see anyone until my eyes zeroed in on the wall next to the sofa.
Someone had painted what looked like the plans for a house. The whole thing was black and white, but it was done with such detail I could already imagine what the house would look like if it was actually built.
The house was shaped like an L. At the bottom of the plan, which was the front of the house, there were four bedrooms, and at the back of the house there was a big lounge that was as wide as the whole house. On the other side, I could see there was a kitchen. People living in the house would always see each other whether they were in the kitchen, lounge, or office area, and everything led to the landscaped garden at the back. The front of the house looked plain; there was no garden or much outdoor space. The fron
t didn't matter because no one would spend time…
"Do you like it?"
I spun around so quickly that I lost my footing and nearly fell on my ass. I didn't only because Vítor took a step forward and put his arms around me to stop me from falling.
When I regained my balance, Vítor released me but only took a half step back.
"What… what are you doing here?" I asked.
"I owe you an apology, an explanation, and I have a proposal."
I was confused. He was standing too close for my brain to register what he was saying.
"You don't owe me anything. I'm the one that owes you an apology. I'm so sor—"
He put a finger on my lips to shut me up. It worked, but it also had the annoying side effect of making my dick hard. Why was the man so irresistible? I could only hope he would say whatever he had to say fast so he could leave.
"I know why you did what you did. I get it, and I don't hold it against you."
I narrowed my eyes in confusion.
"Will you let me speak without interrupting or apologizing?" he asked.
He still hadn't removed his finger from my lips, so I nodded.
"Since I moved to Lisbon, I've been wondering about my family. I never expected to see my brother again, but then again, I never expected to be back in Lisbon, either, so seeing him was a shock. I won't deny that.
"There is something I haven't told you that explains my reaction. It's no excuse, because I should have listened to you."
Vítor put both his hands on my face and ran his thumbs up and down my cheeks. I wanted to lean into his touch so badly, but I was too afraid.
"When I met Dri, he told me he had a son. He introduced me to Mateus when we'd been together a couple of months and he knew we were serious about each other. It was love at first babble for me because Mateus was the most adorable child I'd ever seen. That was the day I became a dad.
"When Dri died, Mateus helped me sort out the paperwork in the office. It was something we did together to be closer to each other and Dri. Mateus came across a birth certificate. His birth certificate. There was a name for the mother, but no name for the father.
"We were both in shock because we didn't know what it all meant. We went to the registry office, and after going through all the hoops, we found out that the name on the birth certificate was of Dri's sister. I didn't know much about her, only that she'd committed suicide. She suffered from depression. I only knew this because Dri told me once when he got drunk after Mateus' fifth birthday. He never mentioned it again, so I figured it was a painful memory he wanted to forget.