I hated the fact that Dexter couldn’t be here to celebrate, but I understood why. We had shared in each other’s joys, pains, and disappointments, so I knew that not being here was a hard decision for him to make. When we last spoke, Dexter was getting and feeling better. His father, on the other hand, hadn’t improved much, but the family was spending time with him. I knew if I thought anymore about Dexter, I would have to reapply my makeup. There was a gentle tap at the door.
“Sweetheart, are you ok?”
“Yes, dad I’m fine,” I responded with sadness in my voice.
“They are just about ready for you. Your mom and I wanted to talk to you for a minute.”
“Sure, come on in.” I was back at the window holding the gift I had gotten from Dexter. DaMarcus and a pastor from my parents’ church were standing at the Gazebo. He looked more handsome than ever as he stood waiting patiently for me to join him.
“You look radiant,” my father complimented.
“Thanks dad. Can you help me with this?” I handed him the cream-colored pearls with a heart-shaped diamond and pearl pendant.
“Sweetheart, your father and I want you to know we love you very much,” my mother interjected. “You’ve always told us to allow you to make your mistakes, and allow you to grow. You are stubborn, but we love the woman you’ve become. We know that DaMarcus loves you, and we’re glad you were able to work things out.”
“Mom, thank you.” I knew my parents were right.
“Honey, you know what and who is good for you, and you knew that when you met DaMarcus. Let him love you.”
“I love you both very much.”
I hugged them and then walked towards the door.
“Now leave before you two make me cry,” I demanded.
“See you in five minutes, sweetheart.”
“Okay.”
I closed the door behind them and then turned to face the stand-ing mirror, looking myself over one last time before joining my guests and husband. I was looking radiant. My makeup was flawlessly applied, and my dress was the perfect fit. There was one thing that couldn’t match the perfect occasion, no matter how hard I tried to get it out my mind. I wasn’t exactly sure I had made the right decision, but even if I hadn’t, it was too late to have a change of mind. My heart was in the right place because I did love DaMarcus, but my mind just wasn’t right.
I was still standing in the mirror with my right hand on my hip and my left hand over the center of my chest, as if I were feeling my heart. Even if this isn’t what I should be doing, I can’t embarrass my family and friends by backing out now, I thought. Before I could complete my thought, there was another knock at the door.
“Who is it?” I took a deep breath and found my heart, which had been racing a mile a minute, finally slowing.
“Hey, Lynn. It’s Shayna.”
“If you guys don’t stop interrupting, I’m never going to make it down that isle,” I said as I pulled the door open.
“Well, you’ve been up here long enough.”
Shayna closed the door behind her and stood. I slowly made my way back to the mirror.
“If you are waiting for that mirror to tell you who is the fairest of them all, it’s not going to happen. You look beautiful. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that,” Shayna complimented. “And if that mirror starts talking, girl, I’m out of here.”
I smiled, but it was quickly replaced with a look of uncertainty.
“Thank you.”
I walked over to the window overlooking the yard. Flowers were everywhere. I separated the curtains and stared at the man waiting to marry me again.
“He is handsome, isn’t he?” I asked rhetorically.
Shayna did not respond. She sat on the corner of the bed and waited for me to continue. When I turned to face Shayna, my hands were folded across my chest.
“I know everyone thinks we should be together.”
“Lynn, you know this as much as I do,” Shayna interrupted. “It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks about your decision. What matters is that when you say I do, later you are not lying in bed wondering whether or not you made the right decision.”
“That’s just it, Shayna. I’m not sure I’ve made the right decision.”
“I was going to keep my opinion s to myself, but I’m having my doubts, too. I still think there’s something DaMarcus isn’t telling you. I know you love him, and you want to believe him, but I think you forgave him too quickly,” Shayna confessed.
“Every time I’m lying beside him, right before I fall asleep, right after he kisses me and tells me how much he loves me, the images come rushing back. No matter how I try, they just won’t go away.”
“Do you believe that nothing happened between DaMarcus and
Taylor? If you don’t believe him, then you certainly will not be able to trust him. It doesn’t make sense making a lifetime commitment to someone you don’t trust.”
Shayna patted the bed next to her for me to sit.
“I really want to,” I said, removing a stubborn piece of hair that had fallen just over my right eye.
“I know you want to, but right now, can you say that you do? Honey, I want you to consider your happiness, not anyone else’s. Before you walk down those steps and down that aisle, you need to be absolutely sure this is what you want.”
Shayna stood holding my hands.
“Now,” she continued, “no matter what you decide, your friends will support you, your parents will understand, and DaMarcus has no choice but to accept your decision. If you are not downstairs in ten minutes, I’ll make an announcement to the guests.”
“What will you say?”
“I’ll think of something.”
Shayna kissed my forehead and started towards the door.
“Shayna,” I called out. “Thank you.”
“No problem, big sis. Love you.”
“I love you, too.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
FOR LOVE, FOR EVER
Belinda
When I stepped down the patio steps and in position under the arch of white roses, the music sounded on cue. I had heard this song before, but that wasn’t Ray’nard Bishop’s voice coming through the speakers. When I looked up, I could only smile. Those tears I held back while reading the card from Dexter, the tears I fought back while my parents spoke, now had a mind of their own.
“I thought I would never find a love like this
till I met you.
And you have opened up my heart like this
since I met you.
The way you make love to me
The way you make love to me
You made me happy
You made me happy
And this is where I’ll be
As long as you let me”
I was walking towards Dexter. He stood in the middle of the aisle with the microphone in his hand. His face looked perfect. When I reached him, he hugged me and whispered, “I wouldn’t have missed this for anything in the world.” As he turned to walk, the music started again.
“For love, for ever
Is a promise I make to you
Today and always
One love I’ll share with you
My heart I’ll give to you
To love, for love, for ever”
Taylor Duncan, dressed in the most elegant Cerulean blue gown she could find, sang as if her life depended upon it. She sang, holding hands with DaMarcus, escorting him to meet me halfway. As the words fell from her mouth, she looked at DaMarcus, as if to say thank you, and then looked at me as if to ask for forgiveness. Had she known what true love felt like, she wouldn’t have allowed the abuse to continue, and she wouldn’t have ended up in our home causing such confusion and misunderstanding.
When DaMarcus and I reached each other, I hugged Taylor and whispered, “Can you ever forgive me?”
“I already have, beautiful,” Taylor responded.
“I’m so sorry.”
After Da
Marcus kissed me, he gently took my hand and continued down the isle. Taylor and Dexter sat in the two chairs at a table that were reserved for them; somebody knew they were coming. As we walked, the voices of R&B singer and Ray’nard and newcomer Terryan Johnson took over. As they sang, their voices illuminated with passion. What a perfect serenade.
“And I promise to love you,
And I promise to love you
All of your heart.
All of your heart
For love, for ever”
As the music faded, I turned to DaMarcus and whispered, “I love you.”
“I love you more,” he said, smiling.
“Families and friends,” Pastor AntwannSturgess began. “Who is better to say why these two have come before us today but DaMarcus and Belinda? They have decided to share vows they have prepared.”
“I’ve always wanted to share a special love with someone like you,”DaMarcus began. “I knew what my heart was capable of, and I looked for someone to trust in it; there you were. You became my best friend, and loving my best friend became easy. I love you, not to hurt you, but to cherish you. I love you, not to deceive you, but to share everything with you. You are the gift I have prayed for; the best gift God has given me. I love you.”
DaMarcus handed me the microphone. I looked over at Dexter, placed my left hand in the center of my chest, and then looked back at DaMarcus.
“My Sweet, DaMarcus. There was a time I ran away from love. When I met you, I was still running. But everywhere I ran, you followed. All the hurt I had, all the fears I showed, you loved them away. When I didn’t believe in love, you loved me anyway. When I wasn’t ready to love, you loved me anyway. I found a love that I never want to lose. In another lifetime, I still want to love you. I love what you do to me. I love how you make me feel. I love you.”
Before I could finish my last words, DaMarcus’ lips were already on mine.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you the new Mr. and Mrs. DaMarcusNealon.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
TO DANCE WITH MY FATHER AGAIN
Dexter
Instead of waiting until I arrived in Miami several hours later, I called my mother to see how Marvin was doing. Yesterday I was celebrating with best friend and DaMarcus, now I was heading back to see my father, who, when I left, was unresponsive and immobile. I still had so much to say to him, and I hoped father time was still on my side.
I had a hard time dealing with my father’s skewed perception when it came to my life. Henever adjusted to the man I had become, and it wasn’t like it was something that happened overnight. Marvin seemed to think everyone had the same prescription in life. He never accepted that I had been prescribed a different life, and the situation with Patrick certainly didn’t make reaching out to my father any easier.
I stood at the window watching the planes depart in succession. My mother was taking longer than usual to answer the phone. I moved the phone from my ear, looked at the display screen, thinking I might have dialed the wrong number.
“Hey, mom, it’s Dexter,” I announced when she finally answered.
“Hey baby. What time does your flight leave?”
“We should be boarding shortly,” I responded, looking at the attendant standing at the gate.
“How was the ceremony?”
“She was beautiful and elegant.”
“Aren’t you glad you went?”
“Of course I am. Listen, did you see dad?”
“Marcel, Dane, Deidre, and the kids went to sit with him yesterday. Deidre and Marcel are heading back home so the kids can get ready for school. I’m just getting back from seeing him this morning.”
“So how is he?”
“Well, he’s not getting better, but he doesn’t seem to be getting any worse either. I held his hand as we talked, but he’s still not responding. I think we have a decision to make.”
“I’m going to see him as soon as I get back.”
“Dexter, you’ve had a long weekend. Come on home, get something to eat, get some rest, and you can go see him later.”
“I’m not tired. I can grab something to eat at the airport. I won’t stay there too long. Just need to finish talking to him.”
“OK. Have a safe flight.”
“I Love you.”
“I love you too, Dexter.”
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
Besides a little turbulence just before landing, I had a smooth flight. The flight was full, so the crowd at the baggage claim was larger than usual. With my suit bag in one hand and a small travel bag in the other, I walked anxiously to the car, counting the minutes, looking forward to spending some more time with my father.
The hospital was like a ghost town on this Sunday afternoon, as if someone had issued an emergency evacuation order. When I exited the elevator, many of the rooms I passed were empty. A room a few doors from my father’s once occupied by an old woman with hair as silky as a spider’s web, who always smiled when she saw me, was empty, too. When I looked inside, the bed had been perfectly made. The balloons and flowers that once masked the hated hospital scent were gone. Her personals that once sat at the side of her bed, and the scents that made her room her own were gone.
I stopped at the receptionist’s desk to see what information I could get out of Nurse Prescott, but she, too, was gone. I walked to myfather’s room, which was extremely quiet when I entered. There were still the humming of machines and the occasional beeps from the monitors. I didn’t expect to see anyone in there. Nurse Hagerty, who I had passed several times in the elevator on previous visits, was checking Marvin’s vital signs and logging the information in his chart.
“I’ll be out of your way in a second, sir,” Nurse Hagerty said, acknowledging my presence.
“No, don’t mind me. So how is he doing?”
“What’s your relationship to the patient?” Nurse Hagerty asked in a very professionally tone.
“He’s my father,” I responded matter-of-factly.
“I’ve only been on this floor for a couple days now, and I haven’t seen much improvement.”
“That’s not a good thing is it?”
“Well, it’s not good that he isn’t improving, but at least his condition isn’t worsening. We’ve stabilized him. I’m sure he’ll recover.”
Hearing Nurse Hagerty’s comments on my father’s condition brought my worst fear even closer to reality. Now I really just wanted to be alone with him.
“Ok, Mr. DeGregory. If you need anything, well, you know the routine, the red button, push it.” Nurse Hagerty smiled as he exited the room, pulling the door closed behind him.
My father and I were finally alone. I pulled the chair closer to the bed, sat as if I were exhausted, and exhaled. For a while, I sat in silence, not sure how I wanted to begin this conversation. He looks comfortable, I thought. I sat up and stroked my father’s forehead. Marvin looked and smelled clean. His linen was always clean, and his room, for some reason, didn’t have the same hospital smell that usually penetrated my nose.
“Daddy, I love you,” I said, almost whispering.
Those words were never hard for me to say. I realized it has been a long time since I’ve used those words in the same sentence to my father.
“I had to leave this weekend. Belinda and DaMarcus renewed their vows. My face is looking like old again. The scar is still there, but, really, you could barely see it. I’m back at work, though I don’t have the same hectic schedule yet. I’m sure that’ll happen in time. Taking things slowly, I guess.” I stopped and waited for me father to respond, but heard nothing.
I thought about how the moment resembled my first day coming home from school after spending my first day in Ms. Binder’s first grade class. I wanted to tell my father everything that happened, but when Iran inside the house, tossed my book bag just inside the door and yelled for my father, no one answered. I wanted to tell him about my new best friend, Chadwick, who sat beside me in the front of the class. I wanted t
o tell him I had answered all the math problems that Ms. Binder had on the blackboard correctly, but my father was not there. My excitement had been floored by gravity. That same dejected feeling I had then, was being felt all over again. I wanted to say so much to my father, and he wasn’t there. It wasn’t his fault then, and it isn’t his fault now.
My father and I knew what had caused our strained relationship. I felt a tear in the corners of my eyes. Not wanting my father to hear me cry, I got up and walked to the window. A black hearse with a purple flag with the word funeral hanging from the antenna entered the hospital grounds. Several limousines and cars with bright headlights followed closely behind it.
“You know this part of my life, the part that involved Patrick, me getting hurt, and the danger I put J.R. in, might not have been what you wanted, but you left me no other choice. Nothing I did met your approval, but I was happy. What bothered me most, what drove you and I apart, was that Dane and I never got an apology. A simple ‘I’m sorry’ would have done so much, even if you didn’t mean it. Do you know what you took from us? As much as mother tried to make up for what you knew we were missing, it wasn’t the same. And what did you do? You worried about what I was and what I was going through with Patrick. Instead of relishing in and applauding my accomplishments, you developed a disdain that none of that could erase.”
My words flowed without hiccup or hesitation.
“Every now and then I did see a part of Patrick that made me think maybe you were right. You never gave me a chance to even admit that to you. You avoided me at all costthat was your mantra, especially when it came to me. That was how much you hated me, and it deepened the hated I already had for you. But unlike you, I can admit that none of what I went through with Patrick was worth it.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
I BELIEVED IN YOU AND ME
Dexter
Less Than Perfect Circumstance Page 14