Time was exactly what we didn’t have, but for months we ignored any obstacles, any thoughts of unhappiness or disappointment. We simply refused to consider it. Fall passed quickly into winter, and winter, because I was doing things with Larry every chance I had, was never too cold or too dreary. I went home for the holiday breaks, of course.
I did feel deceitful then because Mother thought my happiness was all attributable to the choice of college. My grades weren’t too bad, thanks to Lynette’s tutoring. I managed to call Larry every chance I had. He had gone with Marcus to spend Christmas with Marcus’s family, but returned to the college to work at the library on inventory right after Christmas. I surprised him by driving back there to spend New Year’s Eve with him. I managed it by convincing my parents I was going to a hotel with one of my high school girlfriends. I gave her the money to go there with her boyfriend so she would cover for me just in case. Victoria almost discovered the truth because she knew by girlfriend’s younger sister, but fortunately for me, Victoria didn’t ask the right questions. She simply didn’t care.
I wished I had a camera in my hands when Larry opened his door and saw me standing there December 31. The picture would never leave my memory, however. His shock and surprise were only second to his happiness. We went to a Chinese restaurant and brought back food and spent New Year’s Eve watching the ball fall in Times Square on his small black-and-white television set. Lying there in his arms on his pull-out bed in his two by four studio apartment, I couldn’t help but laugh. The last five years I had spent New Year’s Eve in the ballrooms, dressed in gowns and escorted by boys in tuxedos. We had danced to elegant twenty-piece orchestras, had eaten caviar and lobster on fine china.
We made love that night dreaming of a future together. We would live in England and we wouldn’t worry about anyone’s accepting us. We talked for hours and hours and didn’t fall asleep until almost morning. Late the next afternoon, I drove home and no one was the worse for it. Daddy asked about my New Year’s and I told him it was just okay. He felt sorry for me, but I told him parties weren’t as important to me. The truth was nothing I had thought important held the same value. I saw a look of concern in his face and I quickly returned to my old self just to make him comfortable. Mother, however, looked more suspicious.
I, myself, had no idea how deep and significant were the changes inside me. I knew it four weeks after I had missed my period, but I was too afraid to say anything to Larry. I had missed periods in the past. Mother once took me to the doctor to check on all that, but there was nothing seriously wrong, nothing terribly unusual.
This time, however, there were changes in my body. Twice, I had woken with morning sickness. Still, I continued to ignore it, to refuse to face it. I was never very good at dealing with serious trouble. All my life I was pampered and taken care of like a little princess despite Mother’s attempts to make me more self-sufficient and responsible. Daddy was always around to slip me a way out, an excuse, to provide the parachute.
But he wasn’t around to provide a parachute for this. I was afraid that if I told Larry about what was happening inside me, he would have to give up his scholarship and go get a job to support our child. His whole life would go up in smoke, a life with such promise. He would feel too responsible to ask me to get an abortion.
Twice I set out to do just that and twice I turned back. Something inside me kept saying, “It’s Larry’s child. He should be involved in such a decision.”
I didn’t show even in the third month, but I was dangerously close to when I would. I had been able to keep everything from Lynette and any of the other girls, but I knew it was time to reveal my pregnancy. I came seconds away from doing just that before Larry told me about his wonderful new award. He was so excited, he took the bus to our campus and came to Lynette and my dorm room. It was the first time ever he had come there.
“Well, look who is honoring us with his presence,” Lynette declared when she opened the door.
I had my nose in my history of Western civilization textbook, skimming over every other sentence and barely absorbing a word or two.
“Larry?” I said as if I couldn’t believe he was really there.
“Hi. I hope I’m not interrupting anything important,” he said.
“No, just two girls studying for a history exam in the morning,” Lynette said. “You want me to go see Barbara and Sally?” she asked me, winking.
“I can’t stay long. I got to hightail it back to the library,” Larry said. “I just had to come over to tell you,” he said looking at me and then at Lynette, “to tell you both that I was given a scholarship to attend Oxford on an exchange program next year. I’ve been given an assistant to a professor assignment, too.”
I just sat there staring at him, my mouth slightly open.
“Well, that sounds like a slam dunk, if I ever heard one,” Lynette said. “Marcus know?”
“No one know but you two, right now.”
“Well, don’t just sit there with your back teeth showing, girl. Tell the man congratulations or something,” Lynette said.
“Congratulations, Larry. I know how much you wanted this.”
“Thanks,” he said.
“I’m going to see Barbara,” Lynette said. “Watching you two is beginning to upset my stomach.”
She left.
We stared at each other a moment.
“I know you think we won’t see each other, but I’ll be back on holiday and maybe you can take a trip over there, too.”
“Of course,” I said. “I’m sorry. I should be happier for you. It’s just came as such a . . . I don’t remember you saying you were applying.”
“Oh, you fill out forms like you fill out dreams, but man,” he said, “this one’s coming true.”
“I’m happy for you, Larry,” I said and stood up. “Really, I am,” I added and went to him.
We kissed and I held on to him so hard he laughed.
“I’m not going until the summer,” he said. “This isn’t supposed to feel like good-bye.”
“I know,” I said pulling myself back and smiling. “We’ll celebrate this weekend. Maybe we’ll go to that fancy restaurant we saw in Jamestown. On me,” I said quickly. “And don’t say it makes you feel like being kept. It’s a present for succeeding. I’m permitted to give presents, aren’t I?”
“I guess so,” he said. He looked at his watch. “Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow. I just had to come over here to tell you. I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t tell someone, someone who mattered.”
“I’m glad,” I said. “Let me drive you back.”
“No, no. You study. I’m fine. I’ve got time. In fact, I just want to walk for a while. I feel like I’ve been touched on the shoulder by an angel.”
He laughed. I kissed him again and he left. When the door closed, I just stood there for a long moment.
I remember I felt as if my skin was slowly sliding off my body and I was evaporating, disappearing. I had my hand on my stomach and although it was too early to feel life moving inside me. I would swear to this day that I did feel something. Maybe it was just my stomach gurgling, but it was enough.
I stepped into the hallway and then ran out of the dormitory after him. he was already crossing the lawn toward the road where he would either turn to get a taxi or wait for a bus. He was silhouetted in the moonlight, moving like a shadow through a dream. I hurried after him and started to shout his name and then stopped.
I just stood there watching him disappear. Then I lowered my head and walked back to the dormitory. I was afraid Lynette had returned to our room and I didn’t want to face her so I stopped again and just walked around for hours. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself either.
On the contrary, I was angry and disappointed at myself. Maybe Victoria was the smarter one, I thought. Maybe all I’ll do my whole life is mess up my life and other people’s lives, including the life that is growing inside me. Confusion spun me around. I didn’t know which w
ay to turn. Should I go cry on Lynette’s shoulders? What for? I thought. What could she do and what if she told Marcus and he told Larry? Should I just run off? To where? What would I do? I had really never been on my own.
I didn’t realize how hard and how much I was crying until the tears started to drip from my chin. I gazed back at the dormitory. Most of the girls were asleep by now. Their lights were out. Lynette was probably wondering where I had gone. She was probably laughing about it, however, thinking I had impulsively decided to go somewhere to celebrate with Larry. Tomorrow’s test be damned.
What I did finally was go to my car, start it up, and drive aimlessly about, talking to myself, yelling at myself. Finally, exhausted, I pulled into an all-night convenience store and bought myself some bottled water. I sat there in my car drinking it and staring at the street.
So what are you going to do now, Big Shot? I asked myself.
I had no answers.
And then I looked at the pay phone and realized there was only one person to go to, one person who could handle my crisis, one person who knew the answers. I got out of my car and went to the phone.
It rang and rang because of the hour, but as I expected, my mother picked up. Daddy might not even be home tonight, I thought. As it turned out, I was right about that. He was on one of his famous business trips.
“Mom,” I said. It was rare I called her that. I almost always addressed her as Mother.
She heard the panic in my voice.
“Megan? What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Mom, I’m pregnant,” I just blurted.
She was silent, but only for a second or two.
“How long?” she asked without questioning whether I was positive or not.
“I’m well into my fourth month, but I won’t have an abortion. I won’t.”
“Do you realize what you’re saying?”
“Yes. I can’t do it because . . .”
“Because why, Megan?
“Because the man I love, the man whose baby I’m carrying doesn’t know I’m pregnant and must not know.”
“Are you crazy? Have you gone completely crazy?”
“I’m sorry,” was I all could say.
“Who does know?”
“No one besides you and me.”
“Where are you?”
“I don’t know. Some small place near the college at a convenience store on a pay phone.”
“You can’t keep it a secret much longer. How can you think you can remain there and be pregnant, Megan?”
I sucked in my breath.
“I don’t,” I said.
“You’re damn right you don’t.”
I could almost hear her mind churning away, working out the details and the solutions.
“Go back to the dorm. Go to sleep. When you wake up, start packing your things. I’ll call you and tell you where to go.”
“I’m not going to have an abortion,” I repeated.
“Who is this young man? How long have you been seeing him? Don’t tell me this comes from a one-night stand?”
“No, I’ve been seeing him almost the whole time I’ve been here.”
“Well, why haven’t I known about it? What is he, a garage mechanic or something similar?”
“No, he’s an honor student, a poet, a published poet and he’s won scholarships and . . .”
“He sounds too good for you, Megan. What aren’t you telling me?”
“He’s black,” I said.
She didn’t scream or yell or curse, not my mother. I could see her shoulders rise, her body stiffen with her resolve. Unlike other mothers, she didn’t immediately begin to lecture me about being ungrateful, about bringing disgrace on the family, nothing.
“I’ll call you in the morning,” she said. “And tell you where to go and what to do.”
“Is Daddy there?”
“Fortunately for him, he’s not and will have another day before he hears the news. He’s always been lucky that way,” she added. “Return to your dormitory, Megan, and do what I told you to do.”
I wanted to say something else, find some words of apology that would sound sincere, but I couldn’t. Despite it all, I wasn’t as sorry as I sounded or thought I should be.
“Okay,” I said and hung up.
I didn’t return to the dormitory. Instead, I drove to where Larry lived.
I didn’t get out of the car, however. I just sat there looking at the house and thinking about him inside, sleeping, feeling wonderful, maybe even finding time to think of me and what might be a wonderful future.
“Good-bye, my love,” I whispered.
Then I drove off and never saw him again.
EPILOGUE
Lynette left for class before I did as usual. I told her I would meet her later and review some notes for the history exam. She didn’t ask me why I had stayed out so late. I saw she thought I had been with Larry and I let her think it. I almost gave it all away when she said so long. She paused in the doorway and looked at me hard.
“Is something wrong, Megan?” she asked.
“No. I’m just tired,” I said. “Go on. Don’t worry,” I said.
“Okay. See you later,” she said and left.
I started to pack. Mother called about a half hour later and gave me instructions for going to a friend of hers who lived outside of Richmond on a large estate, even bigger than ours. I was given a guesthouse where I remained until my baby was born.
Mother covered for me at the college. She had influence with the administration, of course.
I learned that when Lynette called to find out about me, Mother basically implied that she and my father had found out about me and Larry and had pulled me out of the school and sent me to Europe. Everyone back home was told I went to Europe but not given the reason. Even my sister was told that and immediately complained that I was being given a reward for not doing well in college.
I was sure Larry had made some attempts to find out about me. Mother would only say that a young man with a nice speaking voice had called and she had politely told him I had decided to go to Europe with some friends and would be gone for four or five months, well into the time Larry would be off to England. Whether he believed her or not, I never knew. He sent one postcard from London before Christmas, but I never responded, and just like that, he drifted into a memory. In the end it was almost as if I had dreamed all of it. Mother was that good at patching up my life.
I gave birth to a little girl at the guesthouse. Mother was there with the doctor and the nurse. Daddy either couldn’t get himself to come or really had something more important to do. I knew he would rather pretend it wasn’t happening and Mother told me to let him pretend.
Of course, the big question was what to do with my baby. She was beautiful. I hated the thought of turning her over to an orphanage.
“Arrangements have already been made with a family living in Washington, D.C.,” Mother informed me.
“What kind of family? Will she be in a good place? Will we take care of her financially?”
I had more questions, but Mother stopped me sharply.
“You should have thought about all that before you made your decision to have the child, Megan. This isn’t a game, some silly recreation. It’s long past the time you should have grown up.”
I choked back my tears and watched the nurse carefully bundle up my baby to take her to this family Mother had surely paid well to play a role in the grand coverup. I hated her and loved her for it.
“You once told me we own precious little of ourselves. I know now how right you were,” I said, unable to keep out my bitterness. Mother didn’t blink.
“That’s good. You should feel some pain and sorrow, Megan. It will help harden you and prepare you for the disappointments and failures waiting out there, for like everyone you’ll have them.”
I couldn’t disagree, especially after what I had done and the choices I had made. What’s more, I decided I would listen to her more seriously from
then on. She found a new college for me to attend and it was there that I would meet my husband to be. I was like a small sailboat that had decided to turn itself into the prevailing wind and go wherever it would take me. Mother was the wind. She would always be that.
There were to be many times when I would see a handsome young black man and think it was Larry. My heart would race until I realized it wasn’t he.
And there would be many, many times, years later, when I would be in Washington, D.C. and I would see a particularly beautiful teenage black girl and wonder, could she be my daughter?
Something inside me promised me that someday, somewhere, I would look into her eyes and I would see myself and Larry and I would feel complete.
I would know she was something beautiful born of love.
Gathering Clouds Page 5