I shouldn’t say anything. But then all at once I wanted to defend myself. Maybe it was the exhaustion, or the roller coaster of the last twenty-four hours, but I gave her the explanation that was on the tip of my heart.
“My sister? She needs this school. And my mom? She deserves to come here in the fancy bus with her beautiful girl. I’ll hustle any way I have to so they have what they need. So maybe, just maybe, your son had his reasons. I know I have mine. No disrespect, ma’am.” I pushed the piles of money toward her.
She nodded over and over until she finally stood up and held out her arms for a hug. “Do you mind? You remind me so much of him. And I’d do anything to hold him again.”
And I saw my own mother in her then. Maybe in the future. So I stood and hugged her with all of my heart and kissed the top of her head. Mamas were mamas. I knew her son missed her, wherever he was.
Chapter 19
Ember
LOCK HAD SENT ME more pictures. A few video clips. Enough back and forth that when he asked to visit on Friday I knew I’d accept. Nix and I were messaging back and forth as well. He warned me twice to stay away from Lock. I quickly changed the subject both times.
Otherwise, I was doing well, hanging with new friends. I ignored the security, but didn’t actively try to lose them. For the most part, the loneliness was held at bay. It was going to be hot this weekend, so I was going with my favorite sundress for the Lock date. I took way too long doing my best to look effortless. I straightened my hair, which took forever. It was almost down to my ass. The little rainbow streaks showed up better that way. I even added two sparkly tinsel pieces. I knew the sun would catch them when we walked around town. He wanted to take me to dinner. And then we’d walk it off, and maybe go to a bar or two that was lax about the age limit.
I used a light spritz of my favorite perfume and a hint of makeup. Just enough to show I cared, but not enough that he would taste it if we made out. I was really hoping we’d make out again. He had some seriously talented lips.
I messaged T to tell her I had a date. I confirmed it was with Lock. I didn’t want to have to hear it from Animal or Nix, but was trying not to be a jerk about my safety.
I locked the door behind me and brought my cute small purse. I met him outside the dorm’s entrance. He was holding a handful of pansies. As I got closer, I could see he’d healed even more. The smile on his face when he saw me was breathtaking. Like I was the only thing that mattered to him. I had to return it.
When he handed me the pansies, I noticed they had the roots attached to the bottom. “Did you pick these from the landscaping?”
He cringed and then leaned down for a kiss on the cheek. “If they didn’t want to be picked, they should have a fence around them. Like you.”
“Are you saying I need a fence?” I felt all the common sense escape me as his lips made contact with my skin.
His low chuckle revealed his white teeth. “Of course not. I suck at quick player lines. I’m not smooth, just crazy about you.”
I smiled at the flowers and set them down by the front window. “If these are still alive when we come back, I’ll take them upstairs.”
“Great plan.” He gently patted the pansies. “Sit. Stay. Good flowers.”
“Where are we headed?” I was curious how much forethought he’d put into this date. He at least looked nice, wearing dark jeans, a black T-shirt, and the red bandana.
“Well, this is your hood. Show me your favorite places. Then when you go there, you can think of me.” Lock held out his hand, his blue eyes sparkling.
I took a breath and then put my hand in his. “All right. Let’s see what you got.”
We strolled down to Main Street. Lock was a chatterbox. He also called out to anyone who would stand still, telling him or her we were on a date.
Some ignored him; others wished him luck. He was over-the-top. I felt my face flush a few times. In between, he cracked jokes and told me how beautiful I was. The sun was filtering through the trees and sending patterns on the sidewalk. I felt like my whole body was connected to my hand.
We sat on a bench and people-watched. He slipped his arm around my shoulders and I snuggled in closer. I inhaled the scent of his neck, a warm musk that would be hardwired to my definition of the word “happy” from now on.
A woman who reminded me of Aunt Dor passed, and I pointed her out to Lock. “She looks like the woman who raised me.”
He put his hand on my knee. “Was it good? The way she raised you?”
I frowned, coming up with a way to explain what my heart always knew. “I think she tried her best. She didn’t want to be a mom. Never wanted kids. But she took me in. I think she loved my mother more than anything. So losing my mom… I think she relived that loss whenever she looked at me. Maybe even blamed me for Mom’s murder.”
“Wait, what? Your mom was murdered?” He touched my shoulder.
“Yeah. I never knew her. The man she was with—when I was six months old, he killed her in front of my brother. I was at my aunt’s. Being with her probably saved my life.”
I turned my face to his and watched the empathy furrow his brow. “I am so very sorry. That’s rough.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. I didn’t have to tell many people when I was growing up in Midville. Everyone already somehow knew my mom was gone.
I patted the center of my chest. “One of my best qualities was finding the worth in a day that didn’t have a ton of good parts. Insisting that I’d be grateful for what I had. I mean, I had toys, clothes, and stuff. But I’d have given that up in a hot minute to have a mom that lit up when I walked into the room.”
Lock brushed my cheek with his fingertips. “We didn’t have much, but I had that. My mom loves me like crazy. She’d fight a bull for my sister or me.”
“Then you had everything you needed.” I let my thumb rest on his chin. “I’m glad that you did, too.”
We told each other some more anecdotes, letting the history of our upbringings come to light.
Soon enough, it was time to make our own good memory. I decided to take him to Scoops, a neighborhood ice cream shop I wanted to try. I had no idea if it was good or not, but it’s hard to screw up ice cream. But before we walked a dozen steps, he stopped in his tracks, pulling on my arm gently.
“Can we just do this? I keep thinking about kissing you.” I turned to face him, looking at his lips.
I nodded once, biting my lip quickly. His sigh of relief made me wrinkle my nose. He let go of my hand and bounced on his toes.
“Okay. Okay? Okay. This is going to happen. Again.” He rubbed his hands on his jeans and then came in closer. He looked into my eyes and slid his hand to my shoulder. With a gentle pressure he drew me in. He touched my jaw with his other hand and his brows furrowed.
“How are you even prettier than last time?”
Before I could thank him for his compliment, he tipped my chin up and leaned down. And then he kissed me.
Butterflies in my chest, electricity on my skin—he kissed me. I loved how his lips tasted, which was crazy. Like the composition of him and the composition of me were flavors that matched. Mint chocolate chip. Honey and lemon. And he didn’t get handsy. He was just into the kiss.
He stopped and took a few breaths, looking at the sky. “Sweet Lord. I could do that all day.”
Lust in his eyes then. Fire all over my body.
This was chemistry. I’d had dates. A few boyfriends. But this was tipping me off my axis. A roller coaster drop into a pile of cotton candy.
If I was drinking, I’d blame it on that. But we were stone-cold sober. The breeze picked up my hair and he pushed a lock of it out of my face, letting his palm rest against my cheek.
Comets falling to the grass. I touched his face, too.
“This is real, right?”
Wonder in his face. “From here it is, Ember.”
My name on his lips was the start of something. I took his hand again. We started this walk on a date
, and somehow, halfway to Scoops, he became mine.
Chapter 20
Lock
MY HEART HAD TAKEN off like a rocket. Her name was appropriate. Because she started it. Why it flipped, right then, I didn’t know. I was good with the girls. They liked my smile, my swag, usually. But this was a whole new level. I wanted to see us in matching Christmas sweaters. I wanted to find a dragon and fight it for her. Intense. To have her feel the same way would be the most incredible gift from fate. Well, that and the money I kept falling into for Rhy and Mom.
She was leading me somewhere. She could take me right off a cliff. I’d follow. I kept looking at her, like my eyes couldn’t get enough. We hadn’t even had sex, but that wasn’t my only focus. Which was probably alarming and confusing. I mean, of course, I wanted to smash, but I wanted to cuddle, too. Have her head on my chest. The need for that very thing made me put my arm around her shoulder. She reached up and linked her fingers with mine like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like we’d done it a million times.
Her hair was the prettiest, soft against my skin. Across the street there was another couple just holding hands. In this college town, they’d probably get married after graduation and have a few kids and a dog.
The way the other half lived. Not worrying about the electric bill getting paid. Not wondering how good-humored the landlord was this month. Could we get a few more days? Maybe they’d never even tasted generic cereal.
Ember was destined for that life. Somehow, she was at this expensive school. Her sandals weren’t cheap. The fabric on her sundress was so heavy. The good stuff that Ma loved to find in the thrift store. I bet Ember was the first person to wear her clothes.
“So, Mercy? He’s your brother?” I saw suspicion creep into her expression, her narrowed eyes, and flat lips. “Honest—just making small talk. Not trying to farm info out of you about him. It’s just—even here, he’s fairly famous. The dude with the skeleton face. He even burned a mob boss in his favorite chair.”
Her expression fell a little. Maybe she didn’t know that detail. I instantly racked my memory to see if I could remember where I’d heard it. When I couldn’t put a name or place to it, I waved it off. “Probably an urban legend. I mean, people think I’m some sort of genius in the Cokes now.”
Ember looked at my bandana. “I honestly don’t know what he does—detail wise. But I know that I’m safe with him. What about you? Why the Cokes? Did you have to join?”
I blew my breath into my hair. “It’s hard to explain gang life if you’re not in it. In my neighborhood it’s almost like a rite of passage. A way to belong. Being born male where I am from comes with expectations. My dad—he was different. He wanted to break up the gangs. Help our men go to school. Elevate and still maintain the connections in the neighborhood. Just without violence.”
“What kind of violence?” She looked to me for an explanation and I hesitated. Gang life was confidential. And she didn’t even seem to know much about her brother’s business. I didn’t want to scare her away with the details of what I was expected to do. Hell, I didn’t even know how I was going to manage doing the shit that I wasn’t morally comfortable with yet.
“Let’s not get into it.” I leaned down and pressed my mouth to hers. I used a tongue sweep to force away the train of thought we were both having and guide it in a different direction. When her hand curled in my hair, we were carefree again.
She laughed out loud, no good reason. But I knew. It was that helium balloon feeling in the chest. I was having it, too. I joined her. The rush of it all felt too good. I wouldn’t acknowledge the difficulties. We were just a guy and his girl walking into an ice cream shop.
She got vanilla, and I got chocolate, both in cones. I paid for it, of course. We sat on the same side of the booth. I snuck a lick of hers, and she scooped a bit with her finger and then dabbed my nose. She kissed it off, so I was willing to do that all day, too.
Her security was following us. I’d spotted them a few times. And the fact that she had them at all should have been more concerning than I let it be. But in a way it made sense; she was so special. I wanted to know what she was thinking. Her opinion on everything. It was dizzying. Being with her was all I really wanted to do.
She was into kissing me. Kept finding a reason to lean in, looking from my lips to my eyes and back again. The cold ice cream made the kiss even better. Warming her up that way.
After our ice creams, she wanted to show me the river. We took the long walk. I peeked over my shoulder from time to time. We still had the tail. But it was cool. They were cool. They weren’t trying to stop us.
I wanted more privacy, but the two glimpses I got of one of the guards showed their burning jealousy. And I can’t even lie. I liked that a lot. If I wasn’t me, I’d be jealous, too. The way her sundress swished at her calves was mesmerizing. The way she’d dip one shoulder when she turned to look at me. I could feel my soul carving all of this, every freaking thing right into itself. Her beauty was the blade.
I could just hear Dice making fun of me in my head. Calling me a pussy. The brief thought of hers blinded me for a minute. She had one. And I was going to see it or die trying. I reached for a lock of her hair—streaked bright red—and rubbed it between my fingers.
“Do you do this yourself?” I dropped the red and picked up the purple.
“No. Can’t see the back of my head very well. I have a lady who does it for me.”
It reminded me of unicorns and rainbows. I wondered if Rhy would like it. I had no idea what the process was like. I asked her how to get it.
“You want rainbow streaks?” She ruffled my hair and I kissed her a few times.
“No. For my sister. She might like it.” I shrugged and led her to a nearby picnic table where we sat side by side staring out at the river.
And that’s when we had the conversation. I wasn’t about to hide Rhy and who she was. She was exactly who she was supposed to be.
I watched Ember’s face as I told her how different Rhy’s life was than maybe she was used to. I had a spike of fear. Because Ember had to be chill about Rhy. My sister would be a deal breaker. Even for this incredible feeling I was having. But the picture she’d showed me in her dorm of her favorite campers brought me a glimmer of hope.
“Can I see her?” Ember gestured to my pocket.
I pulled out my phone and unlocked it. Our most recent spate of family pictures had been taken just before Dad was arrested. From the time we went swimming in the zero entry pool. Rhy loved it. I called her my little mermaid.
“She’s an angel.” Ember stopped my hand and used her fingers to zoom in on Rhy’s face.
“Oh yeah. My little buddy. I’d do anything for her. Will do everything I can for her.” I felt my chest fill with pride.
Ember took the phone right out of my hand and slowly slid through the pictures there. Mom. Dad. Rhy and me.
“You look like your dad. And Rhy looks a lot like your mom.” She handed me back my phone.
After careful consideration, Ember suggested hair chalk instead of permanent dye, mentioning that the process was long, and the chalk could get immediate results.
I kissed her again after that. Because she was treating my sister like anyone’s. The fear spike was gone. We made out for what felt like hours, sitting on the picnic table, stopping every so often to look out over the river. We watched the sun set. She told me her favorite song and I made her listen to mine on my phone.
Once our stomachs were rumbling, we walked back to town. Now her security had moved to cars. The headlights were bouncing behind us a block or so.
I held open the door for an Italian restaurant; Ember said she heard good things about it. Again, we stayed on the same side of the booth. The reviews online were a mixed bag. So we passed judgment on the meatballs and spaghetti. It was good enough that we asked for a box to take home what we couldn’t finish.
It was the perfect day. I had no way to get home, which seemed like I wa
s hoping to get laid, but honestly, I was so excited I forgot to set it up. We laughed at the dead flowers on the windowsill, and she made fun of me for being a plant serial killer. Then she took the stairs in front of me up to the second floor. She opened her door and towed me in.
I locked the door behind us. Being alone like this was nerve-wracking. And exciting. She sat on her bed and held out a hand to me.
After taking her hand and sitting next to her, I wanted to say something awesome. Something worthy of this moment. I had nothing good. I told her she was beautiful about five times in a row until she put her index finger over my lips.
“Show me.” And then she lay back. The world could have blown up then. It certainly felt like my mind was doing that very thing.
She lowered her lashes. The opportunity was presenting itself and I was going to take it. I ran my hand from her ankle to her knee. My foot slipped on the sandal she’d kicked off. I fell on top of her. Her peals of laughter broke the tension that was building. I collapsed next to her on the bed. It was narrow, so we were wrapped up in each other. I put my arm behind her head. The fit was meant to be. Her ceiling had glow in the dark stars stuck to it. I nuzzled her temple. Her hair smelled faintly like the restaurant we’d been in.
“You like the stars?” Stupid question. Clearly she did.
“I pretended the stars were my friends when I was a kid.” She pointed at a pattern.
“You had to have a ton of friends. You’re so freaking likeable.” I touched the end of her nose. Her lips curved into a smile.
“I did. I missed a family, though. I was alone a lot.” She shrugged.
It hurt my heart that she had pain. Ever. Irrational. I recognized that. Too much. But it was her.
“I’m sorry,” I offered. I meant it.
“Do you think we would have been friends back then?” She turned to me. And I kissed her. How would I ever stop kissing her?
Eventually, I answered, “Probably not. I was getting in trouble a lot.”
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