"I can leave if you want," she said.
"Do you want to leave," I wondered. Fifteen minutes was a while but she was holding her things.
"No, I just thought you might want to get ready alone since I'm just here watching you.”
"I dunno what that means," I laughed. I walked over to her and tugged on her backpack to get her to put it down. "I wanted to go to breakfast with you. But I fucked up and I'm exhausted."
She was like… So nice.
I realized I'd been staring and I stopped myself. A dark green Hanover zip-up sat clean by Charli's side. "Can I wear this?" I asked, touching my fingers to the tips of hers, the ones that fingered the sweater.
Maybe I wanted another reason to look at her. Her lips were so perfect.
I swallowed.
"Yeah, go ahead," she said, looking up at me.
She frowned, the skin at the corners of her tan eyes forming lines.
"I should have woken you up earlier. I'm sorry," she said.
"Oh God, don't be sorry. That's my fault. I didn't sleep."
I took the hoodie from her hands and pulled it on. "What do you think?" I asked, modeling it.
"It looks better on you, but everything would," she said.
"Stop," I smiled. I knew I was blushing but I couldn't help that. I walked to her desk and surveyed the food. "You're really a dick for being this nice. It's fucked up actually."
There was a whole meal, eggs, pancakes, and hashbrowns. I stood over it and hesitated.
"Ah, yes, it's my favorite way of ruining your day, being nice," she teased.
I looked back at her and sadly smiled. "Did you dream?"
We didn't have time so I pulled her chair out and forced myself to sit down and try to eat. Skipping lunch was a thing that had happened. There was no saying whether I would do that again.
"No dreams but I woke up before my alarm and waited for it to go off," she told me.
"Did you sleep okay?" I looked over at her and worried. Would she even tell me if she didn't?
It was weird because she didn't owe me anything but I already wondered.
"Yeah, I slept well, I guess I was really tired," she replied.
"I wonder why," I teased.
The food was pretty good. I'd gotten cold but I was used to skipping breakfast so this was better.
"God I could kill for some coffee," I groaned. Vic and I always got coffee. It was usually cheap gas station coffee but still.
My mind drifted to Vic. She'd be asleep now. Finally.
I'd probably daydream about it. I'd been doing that a lot lately. I missed her.
"Oh, hold on," Charli said.
She got up and stood on her step-stool to open the snack cabinet and when she came back down she had a box.
"It's instant coffee. It's crappy but it works," she said.
"I could kiss you," I beamed.
She flushed red and let out a little laugh, looking away from me. The amount of red was what threw me. There was obviously something there and I liked it. Be it embarrassment or attraction I couldn’t say. It was unexpected and so sweet.
"You'll take that back when you taste it," she distracted.
"Come 'ere," I smiled and motioned her over to me. When she got close enough I pulled her in for a hug to calm her down.
She hugged me back and relaxed after a second. I felt her holding her breath at first, hesitant to relax, until she let it out. Then, her grip got a little tighter and more of our bodies touched. She let herself be close to me.
"I wish we didn't have to go to class for once.”
"I always wish that," I explained. "No one told me boarding school was going to feel like war times," I laughed. "We're like rationing our food and sneaking around."
"Ha! More like a crazy summer camp gone preppy," she replied.
I let my hands slip down her back near her sides and I leaned back to check on her. "You okay?" I asked, wondering.
I'd only been here a couple days. Charli lived here. This was a return for her. After what she said last night I knew she wasn't exactly excited to be here either.
Her routines were kind of starting to make sense.
"I'm good. What about you? You've barely been here for a few days.”
"Well, I'm very sleepy," I laughed. "And itching for a few bad things I shouldn't want. But… Other than that… I'm okay," I said, staring at her eyes and her lips.
I licked my own lips and bit my bottom one. My stomach did a little flip. I hadn’t been physical with anyone in a while and that was starting to show. "Oh shoot. Coffee," I remembered. "Do we even have time?"
"Yeah, five minutes to make it and then the bell and five minutes to get to class," she said.
"Okay," I said, moving to get the hot water going. I'd forgotten she'd mentioned tea when I first got here. No one had ever been this consistently calm and patient with me whilst still engaging.
I hurried to get things ready, pulling on my shoes and starting in on my makeup.
Charli patiently waited nearby.
"We can get a little coffee maker at the store this weekend. Even though we aren't supposed to have them. It's not like Serena ever does room checks.”
I stared over at her, interested.
"When should we go," I wondered.
I'd planned on taking off. Hanging out with Vic. Charli kept mentioning we could do something but she hadn't set down any plans or times.
“We could go Saturday, check out the beach in the morning and hit the store before we get back on the bus to come back.”
"Do your really want to?" I asked. "Vic usually sleeps in the mornings anyway."
I wasn't sure what Charli wanted but I liked hanging out with her.
“Yeah, I really do. It’ll be fun and we can get away from campus. I think you’ll like the beach. It’s nice to walk and chill there. It just depends on what time you want to get up. If we make it down there by ten it should be pretty deserted.”
"I've been to the beach before," I smiled. Charli was weird but I liked it. She wasn't like anyone I hung out with at Green Valley. Vic would probably hate her.
I mixed the instant coffee and pulled some milk from the fridge to dab a bit into it.
“Yeah, but you haven’t been to my spot. Not that it’s anything special. It is to me but I know no one else would find it that spectacular. It has the perfect spot to sit and read in, where the rock supports your back and you have a flat space to sit on. Maybe I’m just hyping it up for nothing. You don’t have to go if you have something else you want to do. It won’t hurt my feelings,” she babbled.
"Wait. So, you are gonna take me?" I asked. She kept saying it weird like maybe she'd take me to her spot and maybe she wouldn't. I took the coffee to my lips and drank some, making a face. It was pretty tragic.
Still, better than nothing.
“Yeah, I’ll take you. I want to take you,” she said.
"Kay," I said, holding eye contact as I sipped the hot liquid. Somehow I couldn’t figure her out.
The loud obnoxious sound of the bell permeated the walls enough that we could faintly hear it even here in our room. "Fuck," I said, annoyed. "This place is really bullshit," I muttered. Every second and hour was accounted for. It was a teen nightmare. Public school made a lot more sense and even that felt wildly oppressive to me. Adults would never agree to suffer its likeness again.
“Yeah, but at least it’s predictable,” Charli said.
"Not at all comforting," I bullied.
I got my stuff, poured my makeup into my bag since I hardly had time to fix anything.
"Kay," I said, walking in front of her and leading the way.
In the hall there were other girls standing around on the wall. I caught them staring but turned back to Charli and watched as she shut the door.
“Too bad we don’t have first period together,” she frowned.
"I know," I smiled, trying to cheer her. I grabbed her wrist and shook it a little.
“Yeah,
oh well. I like my class but it would be fun to have you in there.”
We walked out into the light, joining the throngs of girls all heading in the same direction.
Time dwindled. I felt bad that I ruined Charli's morning by being tired. We stopped outside of my room and it was really loud in the hall. Girls were talking and laughing, hugging and pushing each other. I tried my best to cut out a space for us somehow.
"Thanks for this," I said, raising my cup.
“Sure, you reminded me that I had it so I have to thank you too,” Charli said.
"Whoa," I said. My body had been pushed forward from behind and I struggled to keep my coffee from spilling. The result was being pushed completely into Charli.
I felt a hand on my ass, gripping it, as a body pressed against mine from behind. "Mm. Sorry," some girl breathed. "Couldn't help myself." It was predatory. Surprising at first but then typical once I realized that's all it was. Just your run of the mill, random and demeaning grope session.
Around us, some other girls laughed but I blocked it out.
Charli smelled good. I looked down at her lips and felt a flush in my cheeks. Her body was strong and she supported me easily, protected me. But I could see she was mad.
“That was unnecessary so back off,” Charli growled.
“Oh, Charli… I didn’t see you there,” the girl teased. She was probably the twisted one that Charli had warned me about. The one who hits on new girls and then tears up their hearts.
“You could always just not be an asshole,” Charli answered.
“No fun in that but I have no idea what you mean. I tripped and ran into this girl. Do you know her?” The girl’s hand slid over my boob and my eyes rolled angrily.
“She’s my friend,” Charli answered.
"Okay, can you get the fuck off," I asked, refusing to look at the girl. She still had her body and hands all over me and I hated it. It wasn’t okay but I was actually kinda used to.
“It’s time for class. I’ll see you ladies later,” the girl said. My body fell back and I had sea-legs for a hot minute
Two girls followed her down the hall and disappeared.
“What a complete bitch,” Charli whispered.
She turned to me and frowned.
“That was the infamous Emily Becker. She hates anyone that doesn’t put up with her shit. You just got nailed because you’re new and you were with me,” Charli explained.
"Hey, it's fine,” I lied. “Nothing I'm not used to. Believe me."
It annoyed me though. If I hadn't been holding my coffee she would've gotten scratched.
“Sucks that you’re used to being physically harassed but maybe you can tell me about that later. We should probably get to class,” Charli said.
"Are you okay?"
She looked up and gave me a small smile. “Yeah, I’m good. Find me at lunch if you want, if not I’ll see you in Goth Lit.”
"Kay," I said worried but ready to go. "See ya."
There wasn't time to really talk about it. As far as I was concerned, it happened and it was done.
I went into class and sat down near the window where I'd been told to sit the day before. It was nice outside, roving clouds all big and imposing would sweep across the sky and block out the sun and make the ground more green.
The girls around me tried to engage me. "Hi, what's your name again?" That kind of thing.
They were sweet and I knew I'd probably talk with them here and there. One of the girls liked my nails and we got caught up talking about them until the teacher came in all business and cut us both off.
It was hard, Hanover. I'd done homework while I talked to Vic. I knew I'd get shit from the teachers soon for phoning it in. But I knew how to cheat when I could and I only really had to worry about tests when it came to studying.
Ms. Everly quickly summed up the reading I should’ve done and soon we were caught up in the dark of the room silently staring at an old black and white film that very easily sucked me in.
When the bell rang and I had to switch classes I found myself slow to rise and lagging behind everyone.
These things are easy to notice now that I don't have Vic. What would I be hurrying off to do? I have no friends here. Charli’s great but she’s a forced, found family for me. I highly doubt she’d be talking to me if we weren’t forced to room together. She’s a really empathetic person and I’m extremely lucky to be rooming with her instead of someone else.
The classes ran together after first period. Each one was similar yet terrifying. School in general is terrifying. I find it hard to exist in an academic environment with just girls. I dunno why. That didn’t seem like a thing I’d ever noticed before I came here. Without guys around there’s way less distraction between the students and the teachers, way less needless comments and staring. And yeah, I may have been harrassed before class today but that kind of crap usually happens to me three times a day at Green Valley. Only difference there is I know who’s harassing me since I’ve seen them all before.
I really have to listen and try to learn here. I’m new and the teachers already want to call on me. It sucks.
I spent most of fourth period sinking my nose into the clean fabric of Charli’s hoodie and remembering our room. At one point I pulled a clean notebook out and started to doodle and write her a letter.
Dear Charli,
I miss you…
I pulled the paper from it’s spiral and crumpled it up.
The girl next to me stared over curiously.
I tucked the paper into my purse and attempted to start again.
Dear Charli,
I’m writing you a letter in class. I used to do this with Vic but I can’t anymore. I hope you don’t mind it. I probably won’t even give it to you…
I stared out the window and hoped that there’d be rain. All I’d been wanting all week was to break free from my life.
When the bell rang I hurried out to avoid the feeling of failure of seeing I was the only one left in the room and knowing I had absolutely nowhere to go and nobody to see. I walked outside to the back of the building and quickly pressed on my missed calls to distract myself and call Logan.
“Hey,” Logan said.
“Hey…”
I’d been putting off calling him. We didn’t part on good terms and I knew I shouldn’t be dating him. Not because of my parents but because it never even made sense. It was a stupid decision I made once and I couldn’t take it back.
“You okay?”
“Uh. Not really,” I said, leaning back on the brick wall and watching the other girls as they passed in their groups to go sit on the tables or out in the grass.
“What’s up? Should I come get you?”
“You can’t,” I said. “I’m in school.”
“That Hanover place. Vic told us.”
“Yeah, in Hanover.”
I sunk down and sat, pulling a cigarette from my bag and lighting it. It was the first one I’d had since I was alone yesterday inside my room.
“What’s it like?”
“Stupid,” I said, blowing the smoke out toward the bush so it wouldn’t be seen.
“You haven’t been texting me.”
“Yeah. Sorry,” I said. “I’m kinda shitty right now.”
“It’s cool,” Logan said.
“No,” I said. “No it’s not. I just didn’t want to have to break up with you.”
“You don’t have to,” he said.
“Yeah,” I laughed and took another drag. “But what’s the point? I can’t even see you.”
“What about the weekend?”
“I dunno,” I said honestly. “My parents don’t want me to get a car.”
I even had to quit my job to appease them. “I’m not eighteen yet,” I reminded. “I’m theirs.”
“That’s terrible Lo.”
“It’s done,” I said. “So I haven’t called because it hurts to call.”
“Oh…”
He sounded sad.
Logan was sweet. It wasn’t his fault I didn’t really give a shit about keeping him as a significant. His friendship though, I still wanted that. I wasn’t sure we were ever really friends though. That was always my problem with guys. It was nothing like Vic.
“I think about you,” Logan said.
“What do you think?” I asked, teary about it all. I loved Logan in a way. He was sweet enough to hold me at parties and kiss me when I wanted him to. He let me try things on him. We tried a lot of things, he was really sweet.
“I dunno,” he lied. I could hear him swallow and breathe. “I think… It’s not fair you’re in trouble and we’re not.”
“My parents are dumb,” I reminded.
“We all do things,” Logan said. “But I think about you.”
“Thanks for telling me,” I said. In reality, I knew he thought about me when he took a shower. I knew he thought about me when he laid in bed. If Vic was around, flirting with Pete, he thought of me then.
“I miss your body,” he said.
I laughed. “I know,” I said. It was the first true laugh I’d had all day.
“We’ll probably hang out this weekend, bonfire or something. Can you come?”
“I dunno Logan. I’m on a leash out here.”
“Fuck ‘em. I’ll come get you. Better yet, I know Victoria will. She’s ready to skin us without you.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s all angry. Fighting with Pete. Almost getting us killed. Last night was stupid.”
“What’d she do?”
“I dunno. She was just drunk. Started a fight with these three assholes. Pete took a bottle to the side of his head. I stopped the guys.”
“Fuck,” I said, sure it would’ve gone differently if I’d been there. No one could control her like me. “That sucks. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” Logan said.
“I dunno,” I answered, smoking my cigarette down and feeling my own anxious energy. “I’m so fucking tired.”
“Do you really want to break up with me?”
“I dunno,” I lied. For me and for Logan, Hanover was probably a good thing. Logan deserved someone who actually loved him back and wanted him like he wanted me. I wasn’t thinking about climbing him when I lay in bed at night and I didn’t think of him in the shower except only to laugh when I thought of him thinking of me and thought it was cute and/or flattering.
Love Like Crazy Page 7