"It's nothing," she insisted.
"What am I to you?" I asked.
My head was getting foggy and I just wanted to eat my hot dog but I couldn't, not while we were talking like this.
"What do you mean? You're Charli to me. You're you."
"Okay," I said.
I went back to the table to get a plate and a bun and then put the hot dog in it. The fundamental differences between us sometimes opened up and put an ocean between us.
I went back to the fire after I squeezed out some mustard on the top. I forgot about the other food. I'd be lucky to get this down.
"Are you upset with me," Laura wondered.
"No, of course not. I'm worried that I'm going to upset you," I said.
Laura looked over at me a little sad. Our eyes locked. Then she blinked and walked over to get herself a bun and some condiments.
When she came back she went to one of the old wooden chairs and sat down.
I looked into the fire and sighed, following her to the chairs I chose the one beside Laura.
That's when Abby and Lindsey found us, looking like they had been off on their own beach walk.
"Look it's the lovebirds," Lindsey joked.
She stopped by my chair and rocked it to the side a little.
"What are you even talking about?" I asked and laughed.
"Ignore her, some idiot smuggled a bottle of wine and some vodka out here and she's been drinking," Abby said.
"Shh! Don't tell my secrets," Lindsey said.
"I can smell the alcohol from here," I warned her.
"You two have enough secrets from me anyway," Lindsey said.
"Wait, what?" I asked.
"You and- uh… you," she pointed at Abby.
"I'm sorry," Abby said, directing her words to me and Laura.
"So, Laura, as a best friend of our dear Charles, here. I gotta ask, what are your intentions?" Lindsey continued.
Laura narrowed her eyes at her. "What is your problem with me?"
"No problem, I just think you're into Charli and you might-"
"Okay, that's enough of that," I said.
I stood up and squared off with Lindsey.
"Laura is my friend, she's been a way better friend to me than you have lately. I don't know what's going on with you but don't take it out on her," I said.
"You never hang out anymore. It's always about Laura. Is she too good for us? Like she doesn't want to hang out with us or something?" Lindsey babbled.
Hey sharpness activated that same feeling that came over me with Vic.
"Maybe if you didn't make her feel unwelcome by questioning her motives and being a general dick to all of us, it wouldn't be a problem!" I yelled.
"Whatever, I know what happened. I read the texts you sent Abby. You're whipped," Lindsey replied.
I looked behind me but Laura had left.
"Fuck," I said.
"You read my texts?!" Abby growled.
I didn't care anymore. They could fight it out. I ran toward the walkway up to the parking lot, when I saw a flash of blonde hair in the light on the side of the bus.
I jumped up the steps, skipping two and got on the bus. She was sitting in the back. I walked back to her and sat down on the seat opposite her, facing into the aisle so I could see her.
"Hey," I reached out and put my hand on her knee. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with her," I said.
She probably didn't hear what Lindsey had said at the end. That wasn't how I ever wanted that night brought up.
"We can call an Uber to go back," I said.
"I can wait," Laura said.
"If you want. I'm really good with getting the fuck out of here. I just want people to leave us alone right now," I said.
"It's fine," Laura said, resigned. "Why do you get so upset?"
"Because I don't like when people treat you bad," I answered.
"That girl wants to fuck you," Laura said. It was so quiet when it came out but she said it like she knew it was true.
"What girl?" My eyebrows scrunched and I tried to think. "Oh, Lissa? She wants to fuck everyone."
"Abby's girlfriend," she said. "Lindsey. But yeah. Lissa too."
"Lindsey?!" I squeezed out. "No way. She's just jealous because we're friends. She's got Abby. Anyway, I really don't want to fuck either of them so it doesn't matter," I said.
"I'm just saying," Laura shrugged.
"Well, that's weird to me. No one ever wanted that before," I laughed.
"Would you want that," Laura wondered. She wiped a stray tear from her cheek as she stared out the window.
"You mean in general?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, wanting to know.
"Yeah but only with a person I was really into. I don't think I could just have sex with someone I didn't have a connection with."
I rubbed little circles above her knee with two of my fingertips, hardly aware of what I was doing.
Laura shifted and took my hand to hold. "Did it bother you, what she said back there?"
"No, it bothered me that she was being mean about it. I'd be flattered to be mistaken for your girlfriend if it wasn't for that," I told her.
It was so close. I could just tell her how I felt and maybe she would feel that way too but if she didn't she might think I was weird. That night, she probably didn't mean anything by it.
"You didn't sound flattered," Laura said, watching me. "You sounded upset."
"I wasn't upset about that. She was trying to make you feel bad about you and me and we're special," I said.
"Well, it worked, okay? I feel bad. I didn't even have to listen and it made me feel bad."
"Don't let her get to you. Do you have any idea how much I like you?" I asked.
"I don't want to talk anymore tonight. Can we just sit?"
"Yeah," I said, sadly taking stock.
One of my best friends had ruined our night. Lissa had been hitting on me. All I wanted was to make Laura smile and I couldn't even manage that.
I stood and gently pushed her so she would move over in the seat and I sat down next to her, pulling her back toward me so I could hold her. At least this came naturally.
"All I wanted all night was to be held by you," she whispered sadly.
It was when she said things like this that hope sparked up inside me.
"I've got you. I'm not going anywhere," I said, kissing the top of her head. "You look really pretty," I said.
"You're too nice," she smiled.
"I didn't do anything," I said.
"That's a lie," she said sweetly. "Just being here is doing something."
"Then, I did do something. I'm glad I'm here. I want to be there for you," I insisted.
“You’ve been amazing Charli…”
"So have you," I said.
“In some ways,” Laura said. “But this is all a lot for me. The school. Your friends. New people…”
"I can't even imagine. I think you're doing great considering," I said.
“I just mean… I’m not doing what you’re doing,” Laura said. “I don’t have it in me.”
"Maybe not right now but you're capable," I replied.
Laura stayed quiet and lay with me in the dark. I wanted to tell her how much I felt and ask her everything about how she felt. She was so sweet and I could only wonder if this is what falling in love felt like. I had nothing to compare it to in my life.
"So, what did you feel when Lindsey said that," I said.
“Which part?” Laura asked, craning her neck to look up at me.”The lovebird thing? I think it’s cute. Not the way Lindsey said it, obviously, but you’re sweet and I wouldn’t want to change anything."
"I just want to hug you and protect you forever when you get upset but I know you can take care of yourself and that's attractive too. It's nice that you like to be close to me and let me hold you," I explained.
"You're damn right I can take care of myself," Laura fought.
I smiled and leaned away so I c
ould look at her.
"See, that's hot," I told her.
"You're crazy," she laughed.
"Maybe," I said and laughed too. "Or I'm just a good judge of attractiveness."
"Charli," she laughed again, this time surprised.
"What?" I replied, hugging her to hide my face.
She pulled her head back since she wanted to see me. "You are like full-on hitting on me right now," she teased. "You sure you didn't have any of that wine?"
"Oh," I shrugged and looked out the window. "I can stop," I said.
"You don't have to," she laughed. "I'm just not used to it. You're making me blush."
"Good, I didn't want to stop anyway. You make it really easy," I teased.
Laura hummed a little and laid her head back down on my skin so that she could touch me. "You better watch it, killer," she warned. Her fingers snuck into the neck of my hoodie and tugged on it.
"Or what?" I asked.
"I dunno. But I know you're a virgin and I'm not used to holding myself back."
My breath caught and my eyes widened. She could immediately turn me on just by saying things like that.
"Who said you need to?" I asked.
"All my morals and things like that."
"How is it against your morals? We're both consenting almost adults. I don't see what the problem is," I ventured.
"The problem is I'd be the one corrupting you," she teased.
I felt her fingers drawing on my skin near my throat.
"I'm not so sure how I feel about that," Laura added.
"Um, you should feel really good about it. I know I would," I said.
Her touch was making me shake. My body was activated as soon as she started teasing my neck. I absorbed the tingle of my nerves and tried not to let her see how excited I was.
"I've been trying to be a good person lately," she reminded.
She rest her lips near my neck and I could feel her air softly touching me.
"Those books we're reading are really sexy," she mourned.
"Why be good when you could be bad?" I asked.
Laura smiled and I could feel her breath catch a little.
"Someone is going to come along and corrupt me someday and you'll regret giving up this chance," I teased.
She sighed and held herself on me.
There was some movement, vibrations from beneath us as the bus driver walked onto the bus and turned it on.
"Guess the party's over," I said.
"Bummer," Laura muttered. "So much for privacy."
"We'll be back soon and in our room and then have all of this weekend," I said.
"I'm sleepy," Laura said.
"Then sleep. I'll keep you safe," I said.
The girls started to get on the bus but I didn't pay them any attention until I saw Lissa sit beside us.
I looked down at Laura and felt nerves creep in on me.
"Oh, yikes," Laura said. She sat up and gave me my autonomy, choosing instead to hug her own waist with her arm and stare out the window while she bit at her nail.
It made me sad when she moved away. I mourned the loss and gazed over at her. She looked so lovely and forlorn, like a trapped fairytale princess.
"So, that goal was amazing," Lissa said.
"It's mostly instinct," I admitted to.
"You should come out with me tomorrow."
"What? For like a practice?"
"No, silly, I'm out here all weekend," Lissa said. "It'd be nice to get you out by yourself. See what that's like."
"Oh. Right," I said, stomach churning.
"Oh, are you asking me out on a date?" I asked.
I didn't know how to handle this kind of thing. No one had asked me out. I glanced back at Laura. She seemed distracted or annoyed or something. She hugged herself tighter and laid her forehead against the window.
"Yes, I am. Are going to say yes?" Lissa asked.
She was smiling and the bus darkened. It was loud with the chatter of twenty girls. It was flattering and I felt my stomach flip. Lissa was pretty, tall with dark hair and sea green eyes. I'd known her for years. I didn't know if Laura even liked me like that. She forgot everything that happened between us.
Lissa was waiting, expectant and charming. Maybe this was my shot.
"Sure," I said.
She let out a long exhale and pretended to wipe sweat from her brow.
"Phew, for a second I thought you were gonna turn me down."
"Did you finally do it?" Veronica asked, smacking Lissa on the back.
"You're so annoying," Lissa complained.
"You've been pining ever since halftime," Veronica teased.
I blushed and watched the sisters play fight a little before they settled down.
"Here put your number in my phone," Lissa insisted, handing it to me.
I typed my number in her contacts and saved it.
"Text me, I guess," I said.
"Count on it," Lissa replied.
I heard commotion in the very back of the bus and we all turned around. Abby and Lindsey were exchanging angry whispers. I could hear the emotion even from here.
Abby promptly got up and marched down the aisle to sit in the front of the bus. I looked over at Laura and then sighed.
I spent the rest of the bus ride comforting Abby and trying to calm her down. She wouldn't talk much and I'd have to try and get her alone some other time to talk about it.
I didn't get to talk to Laura again until we were walking back to our room and even she was quiet and taciturn.
I didn't know what to do. Pushing her to talk didn't work well. I left it and changed into my PJs and getting in bed when we got back.
I watched her do the same.
"You can come cuddle if you want," I said.
"Too tired," she said, crawling into her bed and turning away from me.
"Oh, okay," I said.
I laid on my back and sighed. She was being weird. Earlier all she wanted was to be all over me. Now, she wasn't even looking at me.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
“Yeah,” she said. “Sure.” There was something cold and sad about it.
"Are you telling the truth?" I asked.
She wasn't, it was obvious and she was probably mad about something I did. God, she was so confusing but completely addictive.
“I’m fine,” she lied.
"Uh huh," I said.
She didn’t say anything, just stayed where she was.
"Something is bothering you. You don't have to tell me but if I did something I wanna know," I said.
“Jesus Charli,” Laura muttered. She got up and grumpily got into bed with me, hugging my pillow.
"I'm sorry," I said, feeling her settle in front of me. "You didn't have to come here." I muttered.
“Do you want me to go back?” She asked.
"No," I said.
I'd always rather her be close. I'd said as much several times. She didn't seem to get how I felt.
“Okay,” she said, getting comfortable. “Then we’re good.”
I didn't reply. I just put my arm around her and tried not to kiss her head like I normally would.
Her scent gave me such comfort but now it mixed with other things, worry and wanting. She was far away from here tonight.
I closed my eyes and focused on her breathing and matched it with my own. I smiled sadly when she pulled my arm tighter around her body.
What did any of it mean?
There was Lissa, someone I should be thrilled to go out with. She was hot, nice, and she knew my soccer world. I was so mixed up about this date. Half of me still wanted to call it off but that didn't mean Laura would want me like I wanted her.
Going out with Lissa might help. Maybe I'd come back less confused about what I was feeling. Besides, it felt good to be wanted openly and without doubt.
Chapter 20
The night still stuck with me, hanging over me like a huge dark cloud.
I am alone and I have no one. I am al
one and I have no one.
That one true thought kept coming and knocking me like the thick blade of an axe hitting the not so strong base of a thin little tree. If I had leaves they’d be scattered across the floor like discarded paper. All the pieces of me taken out and exposed for what they are.
I can't keep hating myself but there's literally nothing left for me and that kind of shit doesn't happen on accident.
For a second, I thought I was actually important to someone but I'm not. Charli's going out on a date now, on a night when I had hoped to be alone with her.
I thought we had something special. For weeks now we'd be growing closer and flirting. I was obviously wrong.
"What about this?" Charli asked Abby.
I tried not to watch them, not to listen, but this was my space and they were in it. I didn't have a choice.
I liked Abby, I really did. Lindsey could be a terror and I couldn't really locate Abby's point of interest in her but I liked her and she was nice.
“You’re so bad at this,” Abby said.
“I’ve never been on a date, Abs. I don’t even know what to do with my hair. It’s weird. Lissa was never interested in me before. Why now?” Charli asked.
“Let’s just say you’ve matured,” Abby said.
“Are you saying I have boobs now?” Charli asked.
“And those legs,” Abby said. Okay, now, that made me smirk. Even if I was pissed at her and she had hurt me, Charli would still always be cute.
“I still don’t get it,” Charli sighed.
“You don’t have to, just enjoy being liked. I know that’s hard for you, weirdo,” Abby teased.
“What about this?” Charli asked.
“That’s better, but still no,” Abby replied.
“Laura?” Charli asked.
My eyes widened as I looked up from my book. I'd put my earbuds in and been trying to escape but of course I wanted to listen. What else did I have to do? This was my only entertainment.
Charli held up a knee length dress that had flowers all over it. I swallowed. She never wore things like that when she hung out with me.
"You look great in everything," I said, trying not to be annoyed.
Why'd she want to impress this girl? What even was it she liked?
I'd never seen Charli act like this and I was kind of beginning to understand where Lindsey was coming from for some reason.
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