“Come on. We can get some stuff to go and eat wherever you want,” I said.
"Sounds good," she said, a little out of it.
I stood up and went to the closet to grab a thicker hoodie. I knew I’d be inside for most of the day so I’d just worn something light. If Laura and I ended up outside I’d rather we were both warm.
“Here,” I said, tossing her one of my big soccer hoodies. “It’s more warm than the one you’re wearing now,” I said.
She took it in her hands and looked down on it. Then she pulled it to her face and breathed it in.
"Thanks," she said, staring down at it. After a few seconds she changed and put it on.
“You always sniff my hoodies before you put them on,” I said, smiling at her.
We'd made out a lot since the movie theater and I couldn’t help but look at her lips when I spoke to her sometimes. It was out of my control. I just wanted her.
"I like your smell," she said, staring at me. "You're right though. That's weird, huh? I should stop."
“Don’t because I like it. It’s not weird at all. You can sniff me or my possessions anytime you want,” I said.
"It's weird," she repeated. She crawled forward and touched her hand under my chin to get a better look at me. Her eyes watched me and she smiled. "Okay. We can go," she said decidedly.
"It's not weird," I argued.
I waited for her to find shoes and stood watching her.
"Weird is me watching you and getting all gooey inside because everything you do is cute," I explained.
"Even sleep?" She teased.
"I have watched you sleep for a few minutes before but not in a creepy way," I admitted.
Laura smirked at me and tugged on me to follow her out.
I couldn't help it. When I woke up before her I would watch her for a bit before I got up.
"You look adorable and innocent when you sleep," I said.
"Yeah, not like now," she joked.
"Shut up, you're just as cute now," I insisted.
We went down the hall and out the entrance. We were probably going to be some of the last to the dining hall.
Our hands brushed a few times until I took hers and held it. She tightened her grip.
"How were your friends," she wondered. I'd told her I was probably going to see them today.
"They're fine. We played Uno and ate snacks. Lindsey got over herself, stopped being a dick. Many milestones were reached."
Laura laughed.
"That girl has a crush on you," Laura said.
"I still don't see it but if she does she's out of luck. I’d just feel bad for Abby if that were the case. She deserves someone that's only into her."
"She apparently wants someone crazy," Laura teased.
"You mean someone that'll watch her sleep?" I asked.
I smiled at her and watched her face for a moment before looking at the path in front of us.
She tried her best not to show her amusement but I knew that she smirked.
"Among other things," Laura said.
"Well, I'm occupied watching someone else sleep and I'm a one obsession at a time kind of gal," I joked.
"Yeah, that's not true," Laura laughed.
"Which part?!" I asked, giving her an incredulous look.
"You're obsessed with a lot of things," she side-eyed me.
"Yeah, but only one person," I replied.
I let go of her hand and held the door to the dining hall open for her.
"Oh yeah? What about your soccer girls?"
"Nope, I am now only interested in one girl," I declared.
"No offense but- sounds fake," she said, staring at me close.
"Believe it or not it's true," I said.
We walked in and got in line.
Laura smiled and reached up and tugged on my hoodie strings. "You'll have to convince me," she said.
"Challenge accepted," I said.
I leaned over and took her hand again.
"What's it gonna take?" I asked.
"A lot," she said. There was some guilt in her but she smiled.
"A lot of what? Time?" I asked.
"Whatever works," she shrugged.
"Guess, I'll just keep on being a dork and hope it works," I teased.
I was feeling good, almost high from being around her like this. We were doing something we had done a hundred times but it was different when I had hope.
The line moved and we chose our dinner. I went with a burger and fries and she got a salad. After we were done I was at a loss.
"Where do you want to eat?" I asked.
There were several tables with empty spots and a few that were totally empty. I didn't see my friends anywhere so they must have already eaten.
"I honestly don't even care."
"Let's go back to the room," I suggested.
"You sure?"
"Yeah, unless you want to go outside or stay here," I said.
"Nah. The room's good," she said.
"Okay," I said.
We walked back the way we came in and back across the campus to our dorm. Everyone was back and hanging out in the halls and various rooms.
We passed through and got to our room. I gave her my box of food to hold while I unlocked the door. When we were inside I took my food back and kicked my shoes off on the way to my bed.
"Yes, so good to be home," I said.
I sat on the edge of my bed and opened the cardboard container.
"Mhm. So good. I'm barely hanging on by a thread here. What are you gonna do this weekend," she asked.
She took her shoes off and crawled up onto my bed to lay on her side.
"No plans besides finishing a paper at some point. You?"
I bit into my burger and chewed, waiting for her answer.
"I'm not a planner," she stared. I felt her hand tug on my hoodie and reach out to rub the top of my thigh. She wasn't excited about her food and she left it on the bed all wrapped up.
Instead she hugged the top of her body to my back and laid there. I felt her arm snake in and hold me about the waist. "I'm so glad we're off for the weekend. How do you just do this? Hanover's too much."
I shrugged and finished another bite of my burger. She had come to this world from something very different. A lot was expected of us at Hanover. It probably wasn't healthy how much students stressed over grades and college applications here but it was the way it was. We were brought up in this competitive environment and the ones that survived would go on to be leaders in whatever field they chose.
"I don't know any other way. I've been here since middle school. I've also been lucky that I have a knack for school. Some of the girls here don't care much and are here because of family expectations. I think learning shouldn't be like that. Everyone learns differently. There's nothing wrong with it. I suck at art, it just isn't my thing, but give me differential equations and I'm okay," I said.
I put my takeout on the nightstand and turned, laying down on the bed. She had to move so I could do it but I tugged on her hoodie to get her to move closer again.
"This place is too much," Laura mumbled. "I've no way to catch up and no one seems to care about that."
"I'll help you," I said. "People don't get it. You didn't want to come here and it's not fair but we can even the odds a little. I like helping you so don't argue."
"You can't even the odds," Laura breathed. "This situation isn't normal and it's not just going to resolve itself. I'm going to be uncomfortable until I leave. That's it."
I didn't talk for a minute, just twisted strands of her hair between my fingers and became more sad by the second. She would probably leave sooner rather than later. No one would keep her here if she didn't want to be and didn't live up to the academic standards.
"I'm selfish so I don't want you to leave," I said.
"I'm not going anywhere," Laura said. "It's not fair is all. I'm being punished for being myself."
"No it's not fair," I agreed.
There was nothing I could do for her and I felt helpless myself. My insides ached from thinking about it.
I leaned forward and kissed her softly and laid my head back down beside hers.
"When you leave here it'll be to a better place."
"Who says?” I asked. “I could totally fail but it's not like you can't go somewhere you like more after.”
Who knew if I’d get into USC and play soccer, maybe get asked to the national team camp, yeah right! I had plans but they always seemed so far away. My life could be totally different than I expected now that Laura was in it. That was the influence that one variable could have.
"I dunno," she said, stressed. "You won't fail though. I do know that."
"I'm not sure about that but it doesn't matter. I'm just sorry it sucks so much for you here," I said.
"Not here here," she said, holding me tight. "Just out there."
"Yeah," I replied.
I didn't know what to say. We just had different experiences and lives. It was part of why I liked her so much. She wasn't like anyone else I knew.
"Sorry," she said. "I need to snap out of it. You shouldn't have to think about any of this."
"Neither should you. You should always tell me how you're feeling. I want to be here for you," I replied.
"It doesn't matter," she breathed.
“It does,” I argued.
I wanted to close my eyes and rest but I couldn’t make myself. She was looking back at me and I wanted her to see me.
“You matter a lot,” I said.
She stared back at me and then smiled.
"At this point you're the only one that thinks so. But thanks."
“I’m sure that’s not true. People care about you,” I said.
"They don't, Charli. I'm not sure how much more evidence you need."
“Well, you’ve got me,” I insisted.
I kissed her forehead and smiled.
She shut her eyes and breathed in. "Thank you," she said.
I felt her hand take mine and hold it.
“Always,” I whispered back.
I closed my eyes and focused on breathing and calming myself. Talks like these made me sick. I couldn’t be enough for her but I kept trying. I’d been paying a little less attention to my classes and I was seeing a slight drop in my grades. Worry and fear were chasing each other in my mind.
When I opened my eyes she was tenderly watching me.
“What?” I asked.
She shook her head and smiled. "Nothing," she lied. "You're just really sweet."
"Too sweet? Annoying?" I asked.
"No," she fought. "Never that."
"Guess I should try harder," I joked.
"To be annoying?"
"Yeah," I said.
I smiled and touched the tip of her nose and repeated the gesture.
"Like, how long could I keep booping your nose before you get annoyed?" I asked.
She reached up and grabbed my hand to stop me. "Okay fine. I guess that is a little annoying but just that."
"See, I knew it," I said.
"So why do you do it?!" She laughed. I felt her hand on the side of my neck like it was the other night at the movie theater.
"Because it's funny and I get to touch your nose, which is cute," I said.
"It's not funny," she said.
"Why not?" I asked.
"I can't explain that. It's just not. You're funny though. To think that it's funny."
"Hmm, okay, as long as you still like me I'll take it and never boop your nose again," I said.
Laura laughed. "I still like you, weirdo. Why wouldn't I like you?" She took offense.
"Sorry, I was joking. I know you like me otherwise you wouldn't be in my bed."
"Exactly," Laura pushed. "I probably wouldn't hang out in this room if I didn't like you. I'd find somewhere else. I love you," she reminded. "You're very easily my favorite person right now. My only person."
"Yours… I like that," I replied.
"I need you to stop being so sweet. I can't take it," she said honestly. "I've been shitty all day and you're still being sweet to me. It doesn't make sense."
"That's what you do for people if you really care about them and you're not an asshole."
"Oh, so you're like this with other people?" She asked, knowing it wasn't exactly the case.
"Not like this. I try to be a decent person in general but I don't feel the same way about anyone else. I mean, I don't want anyone else in my bed with me," I tried to explain.
"Not even your soccer crush?" She smirked.
I rolled my eyes and laughed.
"No, I don't actually know her and you're cuter anyway," I teased.
"You just say that because I'm here," she teased.
"I mean, I'll cuddle with a hot pro soccer player if that's what you want but it's not my first choice," I teased.
"Never said that's what I want," Laura reminded.
"What do you want?" I asked.
I held my breath, waiting for her to answer.
“I like everything you do,” Laura said. “And I want you to be happy. Which sounds simple, I know. And life isn’t like that.”
"I'm happy right now. I'm always happy when you're around," I replied.
Laura moved her hand to the neck of my hoodie and tugged on it a little. Then she moved closer and rested her lips on my forehead to kiss it. “I think I make you sad,” she mumbled. “And I definitely don’t mean to.”
"You don't make me sad. I wish I could help more but I can't so I get sad about that."
“See… I don’t want that,” Laura said. I could tell she was breathing me in a little as she tenderly held me.
"Too bad. If someone cares about you, they're going to worry about you sometimes. Just like you worry that you make me sad. It's kinda normal," I said.
“I dunno,” she mumbled. “It’s just not your fault that I’m like this and I worry that you’re trying to like carry it or something and I don’t want you to.”
"I don't want to carry it. I just want to be with you and support you. And other super cheesy stuff," I explained.
“Mhmm,” she hummed, possibly troubled by it. “You must be a masochist.”
"Or a person that thinks you're silly for thinking you're burdening me," I replied.
“Silly?” She teased. “That’s what you think I am?”
"Sometimes. Everyone is silly," I replied.
“The word silly is silly,” Laura joked.
I groaned and laughed, covering my face with one hand.
"What am I going to do with you?" I asked.
“What do you wanna do with me,” she flirted. I felt her pull me in for a tighter hug. Her leg swung over my hip and she squeezed.
"That's a very dangerous question that you probably already know the answer to," I said.
“You don’t know that,” she said. She pushed her body into mine, rolling me onto my back.
"I want to do a lot of things with you," I said.
Her body on mine sent tingles to certain spots.
“Like what,” she asked, rolling us again so I’d take the hint and move on top of her if I wanted to.
"Like kiss you and touch you but most of all keep you," I admitted.
"Yeah, and what's stopping you."
“Nothing,” I said, knowing it now. I could touch her when I wanted, I knew that now. I didn’t have to hold back or try to look for the right moment, Laura had already expressed that she wanted me.
“Yeah?” She teased. “Seem a little distracted down there.”
“Come ‘ere,” I smiled, pulling her in and taking advantage. No more waiting and hoping.
When we broke apart Laura appraised me and laughed. “Oh, it’s like that now is it?”
“I think so,” I laughed too.
I pulled her in again and this time I didn’t let myself pull back. Kissing Laura fixed pretty much everything wrong in my life and I didn’t hate that.
Chapter 28
It’d been raining all day. I liked the rain, it suited my default mood. Studying had done very little to help me lately but Charli had been so sweet with me, offering her brain and her time to sort of teach me things. It was nice but so unlike me, which she could never know.
Tonight, there’d be a different type of training. Charli was trying not to be such a shitty friend as of late, which meant, she was trying to see Abby and Lindsey more, to get them to stop being sad about our whole thing. Hanging out with them was pretty much always awkward for me, they didn’t get my humor and Lindsey definitely assumed I was being a dick about 90 percent of the time, which was ironic.
“You ready?”
“Mhmm,” I said, clinging to Charli’s arm and holding her hand. Different setting, same ol’ story. The person I loved wanted me to do something so I was making myself uncomfortable to actually do it. Some things had changed about me but that much had not. I always caved in to try to make certain people more comfortable. It was a curse.
Charli rose her hand up and knocked on the door. I looked up at her and smiled, especially noticing all the little love bites I’d purposely placed on her neck only moments before. “Shit,” I laughed, staring at them.
“What?”
“I really marked you,” I laughed and touched one of them.
She smiled and laughed.
“Good, I’m happy about it,” she said.
Lindsey opened the door and stepped back to let us in.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hello,” Charli said.
We stepped into their room and Charli let go of me to hug Lindsey. Abby came out of the kitchen to greet us and give us both hugs. I hung close to Charli and wondered if this was going to be super awkward or just normal after a while.
“I made quesadillas,” Abby said.
“Come in, guys,” Lindsey said.
We followed them back toward the kitchen and Charli took my hand again. She kept looking over to check on me. It wasn’t like I was allergic to other people, I just didn’t prefer them. Drama loved to chase me, so...
I smiled and held from behind, getting close to her when we stopped near the counter. I stroked her sides and smelled her clothes. “Looks great,” I said, noticing the spread that Lindsey made. “I wish we could cook at our place.”
We never got to cook, they had this like elaborate apartment compared to our shared bedroom.
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