“‘Cause I brought it all up and we were having such a good time. You didn’t need that.”
"This isn't your fault," I croaked sadly. My voice pissed me off when I got like this. It gave me away and that's why I ran. "My family just sucks and I can't predict it. You can't tell 'em," I said sadly. "I'm not ashamed of you. I love you," I stressed nervously. "But, we can't tell 'em. They'll send me away."
To Charli it must sound terrible. Like she was a dirty secret or something, a person I couldn't want. I hated this.
“This is their problem,” she said. “I know how you feel about me. I honestly think their shitty parents if their love is conditional. It’s fucked up. I wish we were seniors.”
"I'm sorry," I breathed hollowly. No matter how I tried to explain, things never seemed to make much sense. Not all parents were pre-programmed to love and care. Some just ended up with kids and kept on with their lives just the same. I don’t think I can really blame them for that but it’s real. "They could be sending me somewhere anyway. I haven't asked.”
The grass was wet and dewy and I felt a few raindrops on my skin.
“Like where? Do they just not want to have to deal with you? If so they can just let you stay on campus or something. Then I really could come visit you,” Charli said.
Her words hit a soft spot. My hand flew to my mouth to cover it as a pained sound escaped me and I started to cry even harder than I had before.
I walked backwards, awkwardly turning. I tried to find some sort of peace from my own cycling mind.
“What?” She let me go but followed me. “Whatever I said, I’m sorry. Fuck. Laura. Please look at me,” she begged.
"It's not you," I said, trying to get a second to breathe. When I walked, it helped. I held my side and felt the rain start to fall as I slowly moved.
She followed me but kept a foot of distance between us until the skies opened up and the rain got harder.
“Let’s go in,” she said, taking my hand and tugging on it.
I felt a struggle inside. The rain was fine. It fit with me. Being washed clean of all my nastiness would be helpful and not wrong.
"I don't want to," I said. But it made me sad to hurt her. "I can't breathe right now. I need the air."
Come to think of it, I'd never spent this much time locked-up inside a room.
“Okay, but at least let me go get some shoes for you and your rain jacket,” she said.
She started to walk and then stopped.
“Do you want me to bring anything else?” She asked.
My heart hurt. The rain was pelting us now. I looked down at her feet and saw that she had no shoes. Charli always wore shoes. I'd hardly ever seen her without socks on. She was a little weirdo like that.
"Wait," I said, catching up to her and taking her hand. "I'll go in," I said sadly. It'd help to get pelted alone but the guilt would eat me up and I knew it.
“No, babe, you stay and I’ll be right back, I promise. I don’t want you to catch cold or anything and I don’t want to leave you unless that’s what you want,” she replied.
"Wait," I said, tugging her back. I slipped my hand in beneath her hair and tugged her face to mine, stealing myself a kiss.
Halfway through, I felt my heart catch up with my mouth and speed before slowing down a little. My gaze shadowed hers and I needed her to see me and be seen.
She cupped my face with her hands and searched me with her eyes.
“It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about it. I love you and I’m yours forever. I need you and not because I expect anything from you. Just being with you makes me happy, okay?” She said.
I could see that she was crying now. The rain made it hard to see but I could see it.
"I'm so sorry," I choked out. I hadn't meant to make her feel as shitty as I felt. That's the last thing I wanted. Thinking about summer and next year and how unpredictable it all was, it was too much.
“Please don’t apologize. We’re a team," she said. "That’s how it works. I want to help you and take care of you. I know that’s not what you usually get but that’s just how I feel. I’m not scared of it anymore because I know you want me back. That’s a fucking gift, Laura."
"I know, I know," I nodded guiltily. I couldn't deserve her and she was still being loving and sweet. My heart hurt.
The urge to apologize rose up again and I pushed it back.
"Come on," I said, seeing her feet again. They were pale as ever and muddy from when she'd chased after me. "Let's go in," I decided. I was used to the madness, always expecting it, and she hated it. We were different that way.
I couldn't fix anything but I could at least get her out of the rain.
“We’ll go slow and enjoy the rain,” she replied.
I looked at her and smiled a little. "Stop being nice to me," I said, bumping into her.
My small nudge threw her off balance. She slipped a little in the grass and I scurried to hold her up so she wouldn't completely eat it. A flash of her all muddy and sad urged me to act. I caught her by the armpits and nearly brought myself down too. The slip and sludge of her feet in the mud made me scared but she caught herself too. One of the perks of being a jock. Good balance.
She laughed and stayed close to me, standing still.
"I can't stop and I don't want to stop. I'm just being me," she said.
Wet, in the rain, she was even more beautiful than I remembered her ever being. Despite the tears I could see her addicting smile lines and I knew she was somehow happier with me. Emotions swelled up inside.
I smiled but things weighed on me. Life with her was as perfect as it could be or had ever been and I didn’t want to think about is ending abruptly. With my luck, this couldn't last. And that thought always stabbed me like a shiny steel knife.
I slipped my arm around her lower back and walked closer with her, pressing against her form the whole way. I needed her hands and her body, her sweet voice and the nice things she'd say. They were medicine.
When we got just outside the door I pressed a kiss on her neck and held her tight against me in a hug, keeping her from escaping. I knew she wasn't expecting it and I couldn't resist. I wanted her so much all the time. "Thank you," I whispered.
“Always,” she whispered back.
I hugged her extra tight and breathed in near her ear, not ever wanting to let go. “We’ll find a way to find each other,” I hoped. There wasn't much I could hope for besides that.
Sopping wet, and soaked with our reality, I wasn’t sure what she wanted me to say.
We walked inside and dodged the amused looks as we made our way back into our room. The girls at Hanover were always hungry for controversy. We gave them a little fuel. I’d heard so many stories now, answered numerous personal questions, and seen a variety of motivated stares that all instilled in me familiar things like say fear or perhaps guilt, even some times, but rarely, attraction. Tonight, the stares instilled me with pride. A momentary flash of it, but enough to find me some normalcy.
I followed Charli in and wondered about her. So much of her was still a mystery to me. I didn’t know her well. Understanding her was also hard. All I knew was that she was a good person and that wasn’t me.
"Apparently, we're super interesting," she joked.
“You more than me,” I smiled softly. I started to strip the wet clothes off my body. My impulse was to ring it out and I knew that would not be right all over our carpeted floor. If Vic were here I would do it and she would laugh.
Little flashes of my past tried to haunt me.
Vic wasn’t here and I didn’t want to even be thinking about her anymore.
I looked up and watched Charli. She lifted her hoodie up off of her form, revealing her smooth skin and pale back. I walked close and touched her, running my hands softly down her damp skin. Goosebumps formed, the cold air and my touch creating a field of them.
“Do you wanna shower?” I asked, hovering close. I’d gotten her all dirty and wet, thrown her nig
ht off balance, dismantled her life. It was honestly something I tried hard not to do. But then, I wanted her. And my restlessness always won out. Really, it was hard to avoid it.
I didn’t need or require my love to be gentle or clean. I think she knew that by now, understood me a little. My offer was for her, to help her, not for me.
"Only if we can do it together," she teased.
“Yeah?” I smirked. I slipped my arms around her and pressed my cold body into hers. Her hands touched mine, keeping me close now. I kissed her naked shoulder and tasted the rain on her skin. “You’re too sexy though. I’ll be distracted,” I said.
Our showers were a little public but I didn’t care. All the girls had routines. It was easy to catch the stalls empty.
"That's the best part," she replied.
“Little scandalous, Greenwood,” I teased. The curves of her body always called out to me. I kissed the line from her shoulder that led to her neck. And I held her skin at her side, one of her hands tangled into mine tenderly. “But I make no promises to restrain myself.”
"I'd be sad if you did," she said.
She started walking to her shower caddy by the closet and took me with her by holding my arms around her body.
I wobbled after her, not wanting to let us have distance. Her skin gave me solace and when she openly wanted me I felt a happiness I'd never really experience before in such a pure and undiluted form.
I pulled away from her to find a shirt I could wear.
The thought of getting to touch her some more made my entire body buzz preemptively. I was constantly battling between trying to be kind and be sweet or let myself go and take what I wanted from her. It sounds sinister when I think it but Charli has only ever encouraged my intense lust.
She grabbed her robe and put it on.
"Come here," she said.
"What," I smiled. I followed her and moved how she wanted me to.
"I just don't like not touching you," she said.
"Oh good," I laughed with relief. "Must be doing something right," I flirted. I let my hand fall down on her upper arm and I held it. My lower body pressed into hers and her hand held at my lower back to keep it that way.
Her lips were suddenly the most magnetic things in the entire world. I stared down at them and craved her heightened lust. When it happened she'd rain down over me, soaking me, but right now we were restrained. Just from thinking about kissing her, my mouth watered, I had to swallow as I impatiently waited and bit my lip.
"Let's go get in the shower," she said.
"Sure," I said, nodding, a little embarrassed. There were times I felt insatiable, always wanting her.
I'd felt things like this before but never centered around one person. I did things with Logan but they weren't about him. This was so much stronger.
Charli shut our lights off and locked the door. I'm not sure who she thought would break in but no one cared about our things so I always wondered.
In the bathroom she set her things down in the shower. As suspected, the room was entirely empty. It probably wouldn't be for long. I stripped down carefully, nervous that someone would come in and see. Public changing and public showering were not things I felt comfortable doing. I crawled in the stall with Charli and she shut the curtain as the hot water streamed down nearby and started to make steam.
The water was hot now and she stepped beneath it. No one could see our bodies but if we made noise they'd know there were two people inside.
I ran my fingers through her hair, helping her to feel the warmth and lead it through to soak her. The water streamed down her cold body and I knew she loved it. All her sore achy muscles craved the warmth.
I stepped forward and licked her neck, kissing it now.
She hadn't acted and I wanted her to. I hoped she wouldn't mind it now and instantly knew that she liked it when she held her breath before letting it out.
My mouth wanted her skin and her body. Her back hit the tiled wall as I pushed her back and filled her up inside easily. I did what I wanted, feeling her warmth and her wetness with my hand as I found her tongue and sucked on it.
A deep moan escaped her. My eyes gazed down at hers as I stood on my tippy toes and played with her. Her legs quivered, having trouble holding her up.
I knew that feeling. I wanted it to but not yet.
I slid my teeth along the side of her neck and licked at it generously.
"Baby," she moaned.
She clutched my shoulders and leaned into me.
I worried and leaned back to check on her. But when I looked she wasn't wincing, instead her eyes were closed and she looked to be in the heat of things.
I found her mouth and kissed her again, lovingly. I knew she was almost there and I both loved and hated how quick we were both able to do this. Maybe later I would tease her a bit and drag it out.
"You're so beautiful," I whispered. Her whole body was supporting itself on me. I pushed inside her and felt it as all her breath left and the tides changed. I kissed her neck and slowed her down, hearing the shaky moan of hers that traveled through me. No longer able to hold itself up her body wanted to sit. I led us down together and held her against me once we found ourselves ontop of the drain. I wrapped her up in my arms and hugged her. The water streamed down and pounded on her back. "You're so sweet," I whispered, loving her. I never could've predicted a feeling like this or that we'd be together.
"Mmm, thank you. I like making you happy," she said.
She clung to me and kissed my shoulder.
"You're really sweet to me, you know," she told me.
"I hope I am," I said, feeling sad about it. "You deserve someone special and I try to be."
I laid a kiss on her shoulder and pet her back lazily.
"You don't have to try. I just love you," she replied.
"Ya know, the only thing in the world I'm actually scared of is losing this."
We hadn't talked about it much, I freaked out even thinking about it. It was true though and I needed to share it with her. She deserved to know.
"I can't even imagine that. I'm not letting it happen," Charli said.
"That's good," I spoke softly. My voice still hurt from having cried only minutes before. If she couldn't imagine it that meant she wasn't thinking of it. That was good. "If I can get a job this summer I'm gonna." Charli had talked about the rigorous summer soccer camps she usually went to. Verdict was still out on all of that. Would she go or wouldn’t she? I was holding up all her plans with my inability to control my trajectory. "I wonder if they need uneducated and inexperienced teenagers to like hand you water at your camp."
"They have the trainers do that but the camp is close to you. I could have you over," she said.
"My parents sent me here to keep me from having friends. I'm not sure they'll care that you're from Hanover. I mean, I don't think they really want me happy with anyone."
"We can figure out how to do it without them knowing," she reasoned.
It had occurred to me though that if I planned my own summer they might let it slide. If I got my own job or found my own summer camp or whatever they might say yes to. It was still a slim chance.
"I don't even know where I'm gonna be baby. They're psychotic."
This wasn't reason driving them. The Hanover decision was a quick snap choice.
I held her and tried not to get too defeated about it.
"Whatever happens, I'm not spending the whole summer not seeing you," Charli said.
"That's the last thing I want," I reminded. "I'll try to ask them, okay? Ask them if they're planning on sending me somewhere else. I honestly haven't tried because they suck and I hate talking to them. I just have a feeling..."
Hanover wasn't just about appearances. It did work well for them but it was clear to me they didn't care what I thought. To them I was some perpetual fuck up, not able to make important decisions for myself.
"It'll be okay. I know it will," she said.
"I just want you to be
prepared for if…"
I couldn't finish the sentence. Truth was, there were endless possibilities and I could only surmise a few of them. Being kept apart might happen. I didn't even have a guarantee I'd be back at Hanover next year. My parents made no promises to me. That wasn't our relationship.
"It doesn't matter if they send you somewhere. I'm yours," Charli promised.
"Okay," I said, skeptical. It wasn't that I didn't believe her. I just knew that life was hard and time could change a person. After all, I had been dropped by my best and only friend earlier this year. We were practically strangers.
I felt cold now on the floor. Cold and worried. "Let's get you clean," I said, trying to cheer up. Once we were clean, maybe I could forget about all this. We could watch a movie or something or stay up late reminding one another how great it could be to be alone in the dark with each other. For now, I'd think about that.
Chapter 31
Summer loomed ahead of us like a giant storm of unknown darkness. We didn't talk about it much but I knew it crossed our minds occasionally. I tried not to mention it since it upset Laura.
Her parents could send her somewhere far away on a whim and I wouldn't have a way to reach her. It was so foreign to me. My parents always took my opinion into consideration and sometimes I was left to decide a lot of things totally on my own.
They were busy people and although they loved me, they could both let work take over their lives. In the end, they always made an effort. Some things were set in stone for us like my last game of the season.
They always showed up that afternoon, took me to dinner after the game, and sometimes even, spent the next day with me. This year was different because I was introducing them to Laura. I wasn't nervous about it but I could feel Laura's tension when I reminded her about it.
I'd planned a little surprise trip to breakfast to try to put her at ease. Since it was Saturday, we had until four to do whatever we wanted. After that we had to meet my mom and dad at the field and then I'd leave them for the game.
It was a big thing for her. I was kinda worried that she would get too stressed so I told them she might sit with friends from class, which they were totally okay with.
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