by Nicole Dykes
I grasp her small shoulders. “We don’t have to be them.”
“So what now?”
I hate this. “I don’t know. I guess sex is out.”
My gaze lowers, scanning her body and then moving back up to her face, knowing how badly I'm going to miss her body. Her head nods. “Yes.” Her voice lowers, and she looks nervous. “Do you want to move out?”
The thought is terrifying to me. “Do you want me to?”
She shakes her head, and I feel slightly relieved. “No. Not at all.” She still looks anxious. “But can we just go back?”
My shoulders shrug. “Penelope left Lincoln for two years when the feelings got too intense.”
“I couldn’t be away from you for two years.” Her confession startles us both, but it makes me smile.
“I couldn’t either.” My hand smooths over her hair. “And I couldn’t be away from Baz for that long.”
She nods. “We can do this for him.” She nods again as if she’s trying to convince herself. “We can.”
“So just going back to friends?”
She takes a deep breath. “Yes. Who live together and take care of an adorable little toddler.”
I don’t want this.
I don’t think she does either, but we both know it’s the only way. We can’t continue to have sex when she has feelings for me that I can’t return.
“And it’s still your home . . .” I eye her suspiciously. “So if you have to have someone over—”
“I won’t.” I cut her off. I won’t do that to her.
She puffs out a relieved breath through her luscious lips. “Okay. No bringing anyone else home?”
I nod my head. “Either of us.”
“Rules I can live with.”
My hand rests on her hip, and I bring her body closer to mine, I had intended to bring her into a hug, but instead our lower halves are pressed together, my body always wanting to be joined with hers. “One last time.” I breathe against her lips as I brush my mouth over her. missing the way she tastes already.
I feel her hands smooth over my chest, and I think just maybe she’ll grant me this. There’s a strangled cry in her throat as her lips press against mine and she breathes her answer against them. “I can’t.”
My eyes flutter closed as my chest clenches, missing her. My hand moves to the back of her head as I press my lips firmly against hers, begging her for one last kiss.
And her mouth rewards me by opening for me, her lips moving against mine in the most heartbreaking kiss I've ever experienced. Our mouths mingle and our tongues caress as her salty tears join in the mix and her sob enters my mouth, and I catch it, trying to kiss it away.
My hands tangle in her hair as she cries into our kiss, and it moves from a kiss into a hug where I wrap my arms around her, her face buried in my chest as she sobs and I try my best to comfort her.
To tell her we can make it through this.
But we both know it’s a lie.
Seven Months Later
“Baz! Come on, sweetheart!”
I run down the stairs and look under the couch for my other sandal. I could have sworn I put it by the front door, but Baz loves to play with my shoes.
“Where the hell is my shoe?”
I feel something pressing against my ass and turn around, looking at Asher’s smiling face as he presses my shoe against me.
I climb up from the floor and sit on the couch, taking my sandal from Asher and placing it on my foot. “Thank you.”
He laughs. “No problem. Where are you going?” He flops down on the couch, and my heart clenches slightly in my chest thinking about the answer. Not wanting to lie to him.
Somehow after the night I sobbed in his arms for what seemed like hours after confessing my love for him, we managed to move forward.
We truly went back to where we started. We’ve been friends.
Yes, I'm sure he has hooked up with plenty of chicks since then because that’s what Asher does, but he’s been respectful.
He hasn’t had any girls over here, and we don’t talk about it.
And we haven’t fallen back in old habits either. I’ve actually been fairly smart, and I know without a doubt that I can’t let him touch me.
I needed space to clear my head, but I couldn’t take him away from Baz. I just couldn’t.
I clear my throat, not wanting to ruin the calm we’ve found. I graduated last month and as of right now, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with my life other than spend time with Baz. Asher is on summer break, and he’s been teaching Baz how to play baseball and soccer.
It’s already been such a great summer, but I can feel the storm coming, and I stand, smoothing the black fabric of my shorts. “The zoo.”
He nods, his bottom lip pushed out as he slouches on the couch. “Cool.” But I know I'm acting weird as Baz flies down the stairs and meets us.
“Is Swearer here?”
His eyes are wide and excited, but Asher’s are full of suspicion and confusion as his head swivels to look at me. “Sawyer’s going to the zoo with you guys?”
My throat is dry, and I feel twitchy and uncomfortable under his scrutiny. I turn to Baz. “Please go get your hat. It’s sunny today.”
He huffs and then runs back up the stairs as I turn toward Asher and take a deep breath, answering his question. “Yes. He is.”
Asher stands, his lean, muscular body stalking toward me. “Since when does Sawyer go to the zoo?”
I shrug and walk toward the kitchen with Asher following behind me, waiting for me to answer. “Since I mentioned we were thinking about going when he was here Tuesday.”
His brow furrows. “Sawyer wasn’t here Tuesday.”
I look down at the tote bag on the counter, the one I fill with sunscreen, snacks, water, Band-Aids, and everything else I can think of. “He was.”
“I wasn’t.”
I shake my head slowly and lift my eyes to look at Asher. “No . . .”
“What the fuck, Viv?” HIs eyes darken, and I feel my heart race. My palms dampen with my nervousness. I knew this wouldn’t go well.
How could it?
“Asher . . .”
He shakes his head from side to side. “What the hell? Are you fucking him?”
His rash question catches me off guard as my eyes widen, and I shush him, hoping Baz is still up in his room. “Keep your voice down.”
“Tell me.”
“No.” My heart rate hasn’t slowed as I look into his beautiful eyes. I didn’t mean for this to happen. When everything went back to normal, so did hanging out with Sawyer, and he picked up on the awkwardness right away and called us out on it.
We both told him that it was over, and he in his own Sawyer way called bullshit, but he continued to come around.
Somehow, Sawyer and I ended up alone, talking more and more. Until he would come over not to see Asher or Baz, but to hang out with me.
It started as a friendship, but Tuesday, he asked me on a date, a single-mother-approved date to the zoo with the kid he really likes too.
And I didn’t say no.
“Don’t fucking lie to me.” It’s a growl, and it sends a shiver down my spine, feeling his possessiveness but knowing he doesn’t have any right to it.
“I’m not lying.”
“Then what the fuck is this?” He gestures toward my tote.
“We’re going on a date. With Baz.” I make sure I lower my voice. “There will be no fucking.”
“Not till after.” His gaze is intense, and I’m afraid it will ignite me.
“We’re allowed to date. Remember?” I round the counter and stand near him, even if it’s dangerous.
“Not my best fucking friend.”
I feel awful about that fact, and it is a fact. Sawyer and he have been friends for a long time, and I know this isn’t fair. “I swear to you, I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it just . . .”
I watch his chest, and see he’s actually panting with ra
ge. “What? It just what? Did he touch you?”
“Asher . . .” It’s a tired sigh.
“Did he?” The heat coming from him is almost too much to take, and I have to take a step back, only for him to move forward, and my back hits the edge of the counter.
“You can’t ask me that. I haven’t asked you about what you do when you’re not here.”
“But he’s been here.” His eyes lower over my body, lingering and then slowly making their way back to mine. “Have you let him touch you?”
“It’s a date. We’re going on a date.”
“With Baz.”
“With Baz,” I repeat.
He looks pale as he moves away from me and sits at the kitchen island on one of the barstools. “Are you trying to punish me?”
I shake my head and my feet stay firmly planted. “I didn’t mean for this to happen, but I do like him.”
I didn’t see that coming. I never thought Sawyer was into me. I never thought I would be interested in him, but he’s witty and charming, and obviously devastatingly handsome.
“He didn’t tell me.”
“He wanted to.” I take one step closer to him, his elbow resting on the countertop, his head propped up on his hand. He looks stunned. “I wanted to see how the date went.”
His laugh is cold and bitter as he turns to look at me, dropping his hand, his eyes cruel. “Have to make sure he can offer the good D before you wreck our friendship?”
I swallow, surprised by his words. “I’m not going to sleep with him.”
Again, that fucking prick-laugh comes out of his mouth, one that turns my stomach because it’s so not him. “Right.” He stands and moves a mere foot from me. “It’s been what? Seven months since you’ve had a good fucking?” His hand rises to my cheek as he lets the backs of his fingers graze my skin, sending a thrill through my traitorous body. “You have to be craving touch again.”
I swipe his hand away, my lips curling in a snarl. “Not from you.”
I watch his jaw tick, and I know that stung, but he recovers fast. “Well, he should be decent. He’s had plenty of practice.”
“Like you.”
He’s about to say something hateful. I can tell by the anger flashing over his beautiful features, but we both turn when we hear, “Mommy,” coming from the doorway, and I see Baz with his hat on, waiting for me. “When is Swearer going to be here?”
“Fuck this.” The curse is under Asher’s breath and quiet enough as he exits through the kitchen door and slams it shut.
Baz looks slightly confused as he looks at me, and I fight back tears. “Where did Uncle Asher go, Mommy?”
I shrug and plaster a smile on my face, grabbing the tote bag and slinging it over my shoulder. “Let’s go wait for Sawyer out front.”
Baz comes along, having no idea what just happened.
I glance over my shoulder and don’t see any sign of Asher, but I do hear the engine start and his car peeling out of the drive before Baz and I reach the front door.
He doesn’t love me.
I have no idea where things will go with Sawyer. Or if they will go beyond a day at the zoo, but I can’t just put my life on pause and wait for Asher to maybe someday love me back.
I won’t do that to myself.
“So, he didn’t take it well?”
I shake my head as we walk along the trail of the zoo. Both Sawyer and I holding onto one of Baz’s little hands.
I didn’t tell him much in the car on the way here. I don’t want Baz to hear, but I did give him fair warning that Asher knows this is a date.
“No. He’s angry, like you said he’d be.”
Although, I don’t understand why. He doesn’t want me that way. Is it just a macho male thing? He had me first and doesn't want his friend doing the same? How is Sawyer any different from me dating a stranger? Hell, if he can be friends with Sawyer, that must make him a good man. You would think he’d want that for me.
Sawyer looks worried as he uses his free hand to brush through his unruly, sandy blond hair. He’s insanely handsome, exactly what you would expect coming from the same background as Asher and I—tall and muscular, perfectly styled hair, sharp jawline, all accentuated by expensive jeans, polo, tennis shoes, and a gold watch on his wrist.
“I should have told him.”
Part of me feels guilty that I didn’t let him, but like I told Asher, I have no idea where this is going, and I didn’t want to upset him for no reason.
And even if I don’t think he has the right to be mad, I still had the same feeling Sawyer did.
“I think he’ll cool down.”
A sexy smirk plays on Sawyer’s lips as he turns his head to glance at me. “You know him better than that.”
Baz is lost in awe as he looks around at all the animals he wants to see, and I sigh. “I do.” I keep my voice low. “But he still doesn’t have any real reason to be mad.”
Sawyer laughs, but it’s not happy, more a quiet scoff. “Yeah. He does.”
I don’t want to come between them. I know Asher has a hard time trusting people, and for whatever reason, Sawyer gained that trust over the years.
We reach the tiger cage, and Baz loses his mind, giggling excitedly when he sees a large tiger pacing the cage. He gets closer, leaving Sawyer and me a few feet away.
I nearly gasp when I feel Sawyer’s much larger hand take my own, slipping his fingers through mine. “It’ll be okay though.”
I look down at our entangled hands and then up at his face, my tongue tracing and wetting my dry lips. “I don’t want to come between you two.”
He smiles, and it’s warm as his other hand tips my chin up to look into his eyes that seem so sincere, which is odd for Sawyer. “It’s too late for that.”
I feel a sick feeling in my gut. “Please don’t say that. You’ve been friends for a long time.”
He nods as his intense gaze washes over me. “We have, but still . . .” My eyes are focused on his lips as he talks. “I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to kiss you.”
My breath catches in my throat, and I feel my heart race. I haven’t felt anything close to the way Asher makes me feel with anyone else—until this moment. “I think it would be nice.”
His lips curl into that smirk I'm used to with him. “Nice, hell.” He leans in only enough to brush his lips over mine briefly. “It would be fucking incredible.”
He pulls back as Baz jumps over to us, laughing and smiling and asking for Sawyer to pick him up so he can get a better view of the tigers, which of course he does. Because Sawyer and Baz are like two peas in a pod.
A lot like Baz and Asher.
My heart squeezes, and I can’t deny the pull I feel toward Sawyer. How my thighs clenched together when he was talking about kissing me.
We continue our day at the zoo and stay until closing. Baz is completely worn-out, and by the time I get him in his car seat and buckled in my own, I turn around and the kid is out.
I turn to Sawyer, who smiles back at him and then looks at me. “Guess that’s a good sign.”
“Yeah. He definitely had fun today.”
“Did you?”
I know what he’s asking, and it leaves him vulnerable, which is a side to him I haven’t seen often. “I did.” I look away and out the windshield in front of me. “I really did.”
He turns to face straight ahead too. “I did too. You wanna grab dinner?”
I turn to look back at Baz, who is completely out, and smile. “I do, but I'm not sure Baz is up for that.” He nods his head, backing out of the parking space, and I realize I'm not ready for the date to end yet. Biting my bottom lip nervously, I shrug. “Maybe we could drive to Kansas City.”
He seems intrigued. “Kansas City?”
“Nora lives there. Maybe she would want to watch Baz for a couple hours.”
He smiles at that and nods his head as he drives. “That would be cool with me. Although I’ll miss Baz’s dinner conversation. The kid know
s his shit when it comes to Marvel versus DC, and let’s be honest, Viv.” His large shoulder shrugs, and I notice the corded muscle of his bicep flex as he grips the steering wheel. “You just can’t keep up with that.”
I laugh, and it feels really good as I roll my eyes and pull my phone out of my pocket to text Nora. “Yeah, okay. I guess we’ll just have to make do.”
He laughs, tossing his head back as he drives, and I realize how comfortable I feel with him, which of course makes me also feel very uncomfortable.
Nora was more than happy to watch Baz for a couple of hours, and Sawyer and I had a nice meal at the Plaza before picking him up, and he again conks back out in the dark car as we make the trip back to Lawrence.
There was no deep conversation. Mostly just talking about what we want to do now that we’ve both graduated from college.
Consensus, neither one of us have a clue.
When we pull into the drive at my house, my stomach drops when I see Asher’s car already parked there.
I unbuckle slowly and turn to Sawyer. “I really had a good time tonight.” He smiles, and I smile back and shake my head. “I didn’t see that coming.”
He laughs easily at that, keeping quiet as he looks back at Baz fast asleep and then back to me. “I didn’t either.”
“Screw you, I'm a delight.”
He laughs again, leaning closer, and I can smell his expensive cologne. It’s different from Asher’s but still so damn good. “You are. You aren’t nearly the uptight princess I thought you were.”
“So charming.” I smirk and bite my bottom lip, sensing he wants to kiss me, knowing I want him to. His lips are only inches away as I keep my voice a low whisper in the dark car. “You aren’t quite the arrogant, conceited asshole I thought you were.”
He chuckles as his closed hand rests under my chin, his thumb resting on the tip. “Give me time.”