by K. A. Berg
Jesus, just lay it all out there for anyone to see.
I tap and read what it has to say. Since it’s not advised to take them in the morning, I don’t use my tests until the evening when I get home from work, not feeling comfortable taking them here. I didn’t get a smile in the window yesterday, so I read the app’s message to see what these people have to say.
Ten minutes later, I’m lost in the sea of conception tips when Kendra knocks on the door, shuffling in with a bag containing our lunch in her hand.
“Thank you, Kendra,” I say as she places the bag in the middle of the table for us.
She nods. “I also scheduled the first-round of interviews you requested earlier, and I’ve added them to your calendars.”
Jordan and I dig into the bag and pull out the array of food from inside. Soup, salad, fries, his sandwich, my wrap. It’s quiet except the intensive chewing going on until Jordan laughs.
“What?” I eye him suspiciously over the table.
He looks at me with a cocked eyebrow and half a smirk, a phone in one hand, and sandwich in the other. “Why are your days for ovulation in my calendar?”
I can feel my forehead tighten as my eyebrows furrow. “What are you talking about?”
Jordan turns his phone toward me and just as he said on top of today’s schedule it reads, “Yay, it’s Ovulation Day.”
“Stupid app.” I shake my head. After grabbing my phone, my fingers move quickly, opening it. Sure enough, when I press the settings button, the ‘sync with calendar’ button is checked, and look there’s a privacy box I can check to mute the displaying on my phone too. I should’ve paid a little more attention to that one.
“I fixed it,” I explain, and try to shake away the mild embarrassment I’m feeling. “You can now go back to being blissfully ignorant of my menstrual cycle. I mean unless you want to keep getting the notifications…”
“Nope.” He shakes his head. “I’m good. You’re my best friend, and I love you, but I draw the line at being that personal.”
Trying to laugh it off, I remind him it could be worse. “Hey, at least you didn’t have to see me getting busy with Reilly Reed and Dani Daniels.”
A light dusting of pink colors his cheeks. “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”
About a month after Hailey had Jaden, I found Jordan beating it in his office after he thought everyone had gone for the night. I came in to bring in some paperwork from my home office to be stored here, and I went to check to see what he was still doing here. I could barely contain my laughter as I knocked and opened the door to hear a woman’s voice talking about how good the other’s woman’s pussy tasted.
Jordan barely had enough time to get himself put away as I waltzed in—not thinking I’d ever find him jerking off in here—let alone close the site he was watching.
We bounce back quickly into work mode after finishing lunch. But I know Jordan’s cheeks weren’t the only ones turning a little pink. Jordan seeing the announcement from the app was a little too much for me. Despite it just being Jordan, I’m still embarrassed.
Everyone knows we’re trying to have a baby, it’s not a secret, but I still don’t feel very comfortable sharing this struggle with anyone. I don’t want people to start giving me the pity look. The look I give myself when I look in the mirror after my period arrives.
My friends all have kids. Neither Ashley nor Hailey had problems getting pregnant. It was a surprise for Ashley three out of the four times. I’m over here behind the rest of the class trying to make cheat sheets and study guides to keep up with the rest of them.
Tiffany and Candace can kind of understand my pain, but at the same time, it’s different.
I don’t know… I’m just starting to feel unsettled when it comes to this whole issue, but I can’t quite put it into words that make sense.
Although right now… right now I’d say self-conscious.
CHAPTER TWELVE
QUINN
MY INTEREST IS LOCKED ON MY HUSBAND AS HE STANDS AT the bow of New Capital Venture’s yacht. His white board shorts cling to him, showcasing every curve of his ass. His hair blows in the wind, and he laughs along with his friends. He’s so carefree and sexy. I want to run my tongue over each one of his abs, down across his obliques, right to his perfect cock.
“You should take a picture,” Ashley says, joining me out on the balcony in the shade. “It’ll last longer, you know.”
My eyes don’t stray from Alex as I’m mesmerized by the way the setting sun illuminates his skin and the rivulets of sweat and water sluice down his torso. “Bitch, please. I don’t need to take a picture. I’ve got every inch of the man committed to memory—by sight, touch, and taste.”
Tiffany and Candace join us on the cream leather sofa as we make our way back into the harbor for the Macy’s fireworks. You haven’t seen fireworks until you’ve seen them from a boat on the river. “Why is it that you two are always talking about dick? Don’t you have any other hobbies?”
“Alex’s dick is my favorite hobby.” A devious grin sprawls my lips as I turn and quirk an eyebrow at our friend. “And if I remember correctly, it was good enough to get you to stray from the puss for a night or two.”
Ashley and Candace bust out in a fit of raucous laughter as Tiff rolls her eyes. Her cheeks burn red, bringing me a sick feeling of satisfaction as I bring my glass of sangria to my lips. Most people would find my teasing her about having had sex with my husband weird, but not us. I think it’s hilarious, only because she’s now happily married and, on a pussy-only diet. Anytime I can throw it back in her face for laughs I take the opportunity.
“One night,” she huffs trying her hardest to seem indignant. “One freaking night.”
Slipping his sunglasses to the top of his head, Alex turns from his conversation with Jordan and Tanner and calls up to us. “What’s so funny up there?”
“The magical night you and my wife spent together,” Candace yells, everyone looking to Tiff as she groans.
Alex shakes his head with a dismayed smirk. “Forget I asked.”
“Oh stop,” I rebuke with a chuckle. “If anyone should be uptight about this situation, it’s Candace and me, and since we both think it’s more than funny, you two need to get over it. Besides, it’s her own fault. She was bad mouthing dick again, claiming it’s gross.”
“I agree, short stuff,” Alex smiles and yells back. “Pussy all the way.”
“Speaking of pussy,” Candace interrupts our laughter. “Did we tell you it’s Mikey’s new favorite word?”
My eyebrow quirks. “This sounds like an interesting story.”
Tiffany shakes her head. “More like embarrassing… We were in the toy store last week, and Mikey wanted a new train. We’re in the Thomas the Train aisle and Mikey starts pointing and yelling, “Pussy!” He wanted the Percy train but was pronouncing it pussy. We were mortified as the other people near us started giving us the stink eye as if our kid was sullying theirs just by being in their vicinity.”
Doesn’t matter how wrong it is, there’s no holding back our laughter. It’s too damn funny. Michaela went through this phase of saying ‘shit.’ She used it appropriately, too. We all got the biggest kick out of it. For a month straight, every time she’d drop something, she’d say, “Oh shit.”
“That shit is hilarious.”
Ashley glares at me. “Let’s see how funny you find all the bad words when it’s your kid saying them. Paybacks are a bitch, Quinn.”
A bucket of ice water dumped over my head would’ve probably stung less. As the girls laugh, I sit here trying to hold my emotions together. I know Ashley didn’t mean anything by it other than exactly what she said, but when you’re the only one in the group without kids when you’re desperately trying everything you can think of to have them, it hurts.
I never thought I’d ever be in the place to want to start a family. But now, there’s a reel of images playing over and over again in my mind. Alex with a
newborn in his arms as he stands at the end of a hospital bed, tears in his eyes, telling me I’ve made him the happiest man in the world. A little girl running after Alex yelling, “Daddy! Daddy!” until he picks her up and twirls her around while she lets out a fit of giggles. Christmas mornings. Birthday cakes. Family snuggles. Alex and I have been trying to get pregnant for seven months. Month after month go by without mother nature skipping a beat. Every month, on time, my period arrives.
Alex keeps telling me to have faith, and it’ll happen, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to have faith when I’m pretty sure fate has different plans for me.
“Quinn…” Hailey says, her voice breaking my moment inside my head. “What’s the matter?”
Four sets of eyes stare at me expectantly, and the words begin to spill out.
“I can’t shake this feeling I’m never going to get pregnant … and I’m trying to prepare myself for that reality while still trying to remain optimistic. The last thing I want is for Alex to think I don’t want this because I do. I really do, but I also need to harden my heart in case it’s just not in the cards. You know?”
“It’s only been six months, Quinn,” Tiff adds in.
“Seven,” I cut her off.
She gives me a hard stare. “I know it seems like a lifetime, but in the grand scheme, it’s not. People try for years to conceive. You’ve got plenty of time. Don’t sweat it, babe. It’ll happen.”
“Or maybe it’s just not meant to be.”
Tears hang heavy on my lower lids, and I fight my hardest not to let them fall. Stupid alcohol giving me loose lips. For the first time, I’m expressing these feelings out loud and truly acknowledging they exist. I’ve been pushing this feeling to the back of my mind, feeling it’s counterproductive and makes me a bad person for not being more positive.
The girls stare at me with wide eyes.
I take a long sip of my drink before I continue. In for a penny, in for a pound. “It’s not like we all haven’t thought it? I’ve never considered myself mother material. I never even wanted kids until recently. Maybe there was a reason I never really felt maternal? There’s no doubt in the world Alex would make a great father, but me? Maybe the universe’s plan doesn’t include kids for me. I need to start acknowledging maybe I can’t give Alex the things he wants most. It sucks, and it hurts like a bitch, but there’s the possibility. I’d be naïve not to think it.”
The words slip out of my mouth like verbal vomit. I’ve been keeping them locked inside my head, my heart, but now the door is open, and they’re all spilling out. Part of me knows I should be having this conversation with Alex and not our friends but I’m not ready to tell him yet. I’m not prepared to tell him I think it’s never going to happen for us. I don’t want to think about what that could mean for us.
“Quinn, I’m sorry, but you are wrong. The one thing Alex wants most in this world is YOU. I’ve seen the highs of your relationship and the lowest of the lows, and through everything, all he has ever cared about is having you in his life and you being happy. Yes, he would love kids, but he NEEDS you," Tiff exclaims. Sometimes being an incestuously close group has its disadvantages.
The tears I’d been trying to hold back spill over and stream down my cheeks. “You think I don’t know that,” I say indignantly. “I know how much he loves me, and I know nothing would change if I couldn’t have children, but it doesn’t change how I feel about it. I want to make him happy. I want to give him everything he’s ever dreamed of, and that includes children. What if I wasn’t meant to be a parent? What if I opened this door and got his hopes up?”
“You can’t honestly believe that Quinn,” Ashley says, her voice holding just a bit of incredulousness. “You’re great with kids. Look at how you are with all of ours.”
“One doesn’t equal the other, Ashley. Being good with kids and being a good mother are two different things. Maybe I’ve never been meant to be a mother? It’s not like it runs in the family,” I say as regret smacks me in the face. I should have never opened my mouth. This isn’t the time or the place for this conversation. All the alcohol and sun have affected my ability to think clearly at the moment. The last thing I need is to have a booze-induced breakdown in front of everyone, ruining the night.
“Have you gone for the blood work the doctor suggested?” Hailey asks.
I shake my head. “With everything going on at work and the resumes and interviews, I haven’t had time. It’s on my list of calls to make this week. But what if something is wrong? What am I supposed to do then?”
“Then you deal with it together,” Ashley says pulling me into a hug. “But right now, that’s a big if. You’re a healthy woman with no health issues. Relax and think positively. Driving yourself mad with all these ‘what if’s’ won’t help you. Stress is probably your biggest problem.”
That’s easy for them to say. They don’t have to see the look of disappointment in Alex’s eyes every time I get my period, and his hopes are crushed yet another month. They don’t know how sad, angry and resentful I am beginning to feel deep down inside. I don’t like feeling this way.
My lips stayed locked, waiting for someone to change the subject. I’ve already said too much, and they just don’t get it. Ashley’s right, I am stressed about the whole thing. I’ve been able to bury it lately with everything going on at work, but it’s still there. Growing and growing.
This was supposed to be something beautiful, and it started out that way, but now, now it’s something else entirely.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
QUINN
I LOVED THE HOUSE IN THE PICTURES ONLINE, BUT THEY don’t do it any justice. This house is beautiful.
The wrap around porch steals my heart before we’re even out of the car.
“Oh, Alex.” I smile at him. “I love it already.”
He beams at me, putting the car in park. “Let’s go see the rest.”
The aroma of fresh baked cookies and vanilla warms my soul as we enter the foyer. The twin staircases in front of us that meet at the top, opening to a large landing that greets my eyes in an invitation to call this home. I can picture laughter filling the air around us, and I haven’t even taken a step past my first.
“Can you feel it?” Alex asks from beside me.
I nod and walk further inside, falling deeper in love with each step we take. My finger runs along the stone mantle of the fireplace in the living room. It’s easy to picture our photos gracing the space, a Christmas tree in the corner with a sprawling array of presents for our kids under it.
The feeling of home grows larger and larger as we tour each room.
I thought the master bedroom was the best room yet. The bay window seat in there is exactly what I never knew I wanted. The view of the yard complete with an inground pool is magnificent. I could spend hours sitting here.
But walking into the second bedroom took my breath away. It’s a very pale yellow with the most stunning chandelier I’ve ever seen. It’s crystal with white and pearl accents. The crown molding and chair rail give the room a regal feel fit for a prince or princess.
“This would make the most incredible nursery. The yellow is perfect,” I say in awe, walking through the room.
“It would,” Alex agrees walking up behind me, his hands going to my hips as we stand in the middle of the room. “I love the color.”
“Can you picture it?” I ask.
When we first started looking at houses, we saw a lot that we just didn’t feel home in. Alex said we would know when we found it. He said he felt it in his chest when he walked the building we just bought for Legacy. We were in agreement on that, and I told him I needed to be able to picture our family in the space, and I have from the moment we pulled up.
He nods and walks out into the hall and tells the realtor, “We’ll take it.”
She smiles. “You’re still okay with an October closing, right? The sellers aren’t relocating until the fall so it’s non-negotiable.”
We no
d in unison. “We’ve got the time.” Nothing could keep us from this house.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
QUINN
WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?
I look down at my watch for what seems like the twentieth time in just as many minutes. My appointment to have my blood drawn was forty minutes ago. The whole point of making an appointment is so you don’t have to wait.
“Something happened with their computers,” the woman two seats over from me says. “They made an announcement about half an hour ago.”
Turning toward her, I feel my face scrunching in confusion. “Huh?”
“You asked what was taking so long,” she chuckles. “They’re having trouble with the computer system.”
My brain has clearly seen less stressful days. “I hadn’t realized I said that out loud.” I shake my head. “Thank you.”
This blood work has been looming over my head for the last month. I’ve been putting it off and putting it off until I can take a second to breathe. Between hiring Paul’s replacement, having all the inspections done for the house we’re buying and our condo, meeting with Alex and the interior designers for Legacy, I’m all over the damn place. I finally make an appointment, and they’re running behind.
Jordan called a little bit ago to let me know he needs to move our afternoon meeting to right before lunch which means I need to be at the office within the hour since I can’t remember if I reviewed all the details for the meeting. I was expecting to have time to do it when I got in.
She smiles and nods as she rubs her hand over her adorable baby bump. “I get it…” She glances down at her belly and back up. “Pregnancy brain is a real struggle. I blurt stuff out all the time not realizing.”
I laugh as she shrugs nonchalantly. “I think you were actually outside on a call when they announced it. I may have been staring at your wedges, in envy, as you walked by. They told everyone just as I was thinking about buying a pair to wear once this little one arrives.”