by K. A. Berg
Every part of me feels for Jordan. That argument is going to haunt him for the rest of his life. “You’re not a piece of shit. And I’m positive Hailey didn’t think you were either. Hailey knows how much you love her.”
He stands from the couch and heads into the dining room. He doesn’t say anything as he pours himself three fingers of Scotch. “I guess we’ll never know,” he says slamming back the amber liquid. “She’s never going to walk through that door again for me to ask.”
Jordan slams the glass down on the stone top of the buffet table so hard, I wait for it to shatter. It doesn’t, and Jordan walks across the room, stopping in front of a family photo on the wall.
“Where’s Jaden?” I ask. She’s just shy of turning two. A birthday her mother won’t get to celebrate with her. God, the world is an unfair place.
He doesn’t answer for a moment; he just stands fully engrossed in whatever memory that pictures sparks in him. “She’s still at school. I’m still trying to wrap my own head around everything… how am I supposed to explain to my daughter that her mommy is never coming back?”
“I don’t know,” I say as I watch him turn and walk down the hall into the bathroom.
Diana carries two cups of tea in the room and sets them on the coffee table. She looks every bit of her sixty-five years. She knows what it’s like to lose a spouse. “I wish I could do something to ease his pain, but there’s nothing that will do that. At least I had time to adjust to the idea of losing Martin. I was as prepared for it as I could have been. This… This is so horrible.” She sobs quietly.
I wrap my arms around her and hug her.
“Quinn…” Jordan calls out as he exits the bathroom. “Do you think you could get Jaden from school and she can stay with you for the night? I just… It’s so hard… And I have no idea what to do… I’m…”
I may not be able to help Jordan with his pain or bring Hailey back, but I can help take a little off his plate as he wades through this. “I understand,” I nod. “You need some time alone. With your thoughts. I can keep her for as long as you need.”
Diana goes and packs a bag for me to take, and Jordan returns to the couch. His eyes water again, and I hug him tightly.
Diana returns a few minutes later and hands me a piece of paper with an address on it and a pink bag filled with things for Jaden. “I’ll call the school and let them know you’re coming to get her.”
“Thank you,” I nod. “Don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything. When is Hailey’s family coming?”
“They couldn’t get a flight until morning, but they’ll be here by noon tomorrow.”
At least he’ll have tonight to himself. He can grieve any which way he wants without having to worry about anyone else’s pain but his own. Pain that must feel like it’s eviscerating him from the inside out. “I’ll call, and let you know as soon as we get home and settled.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
ALEX
THE ANGUISHED SOUND OF QUINN’S VOICE ECHOES IN MY head as I pull into the garage. The moment I heard the sorrow in her voice, my stomach fell what felt like thirty feet. I can count on one hand the number of times Quinn has been distraught, and the vagueness she gave me on the phone didn’t give me any clues as to what’s going on.
With the two of us being so disconnected, when she told me that she needed me to come as soon as possible, I wasn’t sure what to think. I couldn’t gauge anything off the pain in her voice. The two of us have been hurting so much that it’s all running together. But hearing her scared voice brought a little spark back into my heart. Hearing her say she needed me thawed out the ice I’ve been building in my chest just enough to let in some old feelings I’d long forgotten.
The squeal of a small child’s voice greets me as I rush through the door of our home. I go in search of Quinn for the first time in quite a while. Everything feels suspended in time as I pass through the foyer and into the kitchen. I see a giggling Jaden sitting on our island smiling as Quinn hides behind her hands playing peek-a-boo. Looking at our main living area, I see a ton of baby stuff. A diaper bag is sitting on the dining room table overflowing with stuff. A bunch of toys are scattered on a big pink blanket on the living room floor. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I walked through the door, but babysitting wasn’t it. Not that I mind Jaden is here or anything. I love that girl. But with the way Quinn was on the phone, I was suspecting something more than babysitting.
Quinn’s eyes meet mine as I come into view and she scoops up Jaden, setting her on the ground. They’re red and puffy. There are smears of black under her eyes, and her hair is tossed up into a messy pile on top of her head. She’s no longer wearing the same clothes she was this morning; instead, she’s in a t-shirt and black leggings. Her comfort clothes.
“What’s going on?”
She glances down at Jaden standing on the floor next to her, gripping her leg. “Give me a minute.”
I watch, still completely puzzled, as Quinn takes Jaden into the living room and puts on some kid’s show. She glances back at Jaden before leaving the living room and returning to me in the kitchen.
She wraps her arms around my middle, and she squeezes me tightly as her head buries into my chest. The small thawed part of my heart melts a little further. Her warmth invades me as her body presses against mine. She’s soft and pliable against me. I’ve always loved the way we fit together and how she’s found comfort in my arms. It’s been awhile since we’ve been to find comfort in one another. “Angel…”
The word slips passed my lips with ease as if it hasn’t been locked away.
“Hailey was shot this morning,” she says into my chest. “She didn’t make it.”
What? Her words must be muffled. There’s no way she just said what I think she said. Hailey cannot be dead.
The second Quinn lifts her head to me, I know I didn’t hear her wrong. Her eyes glass over as the tears start falling.
My body goes numb and my mind into shock. Without Hailey, my life could have gone very differently. I owe my life to that woman. How can she be gone?
Quinn looks over at Jaden, and a new wave of sadness washes over me as I follow her gaze to the little girl sitting on the couch without a care in the world. A little girl who just lost her mother. And Jordan. God, I don’t even want to imagine the pain he’s in. Fuck! This is all just wrong. And unfair.
“Jordan’s a mess,” Quinn says as she tries to calm herself down. “They argued this morning, and he said some stuff he regrets and is now beating himself up over it.”
My arms squeeze a little tighter, as Quinn gazes out the window. Her tears return despite her best effort. “He’s devastated. How is he supposed to get through this? How’s he supposed to live without her?”
There’s never any right thing to say in situations like these. If how we are today was the way things ended for Quinn and me, I can’t imagine how shitty I’d feel if I never got the chance to make it right.
I try to compose my feelings, but my fingers still dig into Quinn’s upper arms, as if I let her go, she’ll be gone too. I loosen my grip, so I don’t bruise her arms, but Quinn panics. Her eyes are wide with fear, and her fingers dig hard into my sides; it kind of hurts. Her body begins to shake as she completely breaks down into my arms. “No, please! Please, I need you to hold me. I need to know you’re here.”
Not moving a muscle, I try to be reassuring, but she’s lost in whatever nightmare she’s picturing in her mind. “Angel… I’m right here…”
“That could have been us,” she sobs, not even acknowledging whether or not she heard a word I just said. She clutches my t-shirt in her hands while she shakes her head in disbelief as she stares at me with a vacant but terrified look in her eyes. “We’re fighting, and you’re so mad at me, and I ’m sad that I’m hurting you but not enough to change my mind, and that makes me mad at me. And being mad at me makes me mad at you for not understanding, but I can’t be mad at you because I understand why you're mad… and…
I’m sorry, and I miss you… what if something happened to one of us and this it is how it ends for us and… and… and it can’t end like this for us Alex. It can’t. I love you so much, and I need you to love me again… Just… Just... Please don’t leave me.”
I’ve never seen her like this, and my heart crumbles. The last bit of remaining ice melts away in a river of regret. The torture of seeing Quinn, who is never anything other than confident and fierce, in so much pain that all her walls and defenses are down is enough to bring me to my knees. She’s never the type to be vulnerable. Or needy. Or insecure.
Fuck, she just begged me to love her.
What kind of person have I become that I’ve allowed all our pain and anger to get in the way of showing the most important person in my life that I love her?
She’s right. We have been distant, and I am upset, but I still love her. And fuck, I’m an asshole for letting her think I don’t.
Just a minute ago I couldn’t imagine losing Quinn, but I’ve already lost in her a different sense. I’ve already lived life without her, and it fucking sucked.
“I do love you, angel.” I kiss the top of her head and using my index finger, I tip her head up toward me, so I can stare down at her and try to project every ounce of love I have for her. “This is not the end of us. I won’t let it be. I’m not going anywhere.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
QUINN
THE TIPS OF MY FINGERS BURN AS I GRIP ONTO ALEX’S WAIST so hard I have no doubt I’m leaving marks, but I don’t care right now. The dam inside me finally broke.
In telling Alex how I felt about continuing to have children, my goal was to prevent us from falling apart. I didn’t want our inability to conceive to define us or change the people we are. But it did…we forgot why we wanted to do this in the first place and we stopped fighting for the right thing. Love. We’ve taken each other for granted, and my pride and ego are a small price to pay if it means reminding Alex that at the end of the day all I want is him and his happiness. We still have each other, and that’s more than enough.
There’s no way I could live without Alex. I need to remember that now, more than ever. After seeing Jordan today, it’s hard to feel anything other than gratitude. We just got a harsh dose of reality and a reminder of how cruel the world can be. None of us are promised tomorrow.
My grip doesn’t loosen as Alex walks into the family room. I’m afraid if I let up even a little bit he’ll slip away.
Alex settles his frame in the corner of the couch, angling us toward Jaden. His arms never leave their place around me, even as he situates my body in his lap and pulls me to his chest. “It doesn’t seem like there’s any way to get close enough right now.” His heart beats rapidly under my ear, and I can feel the waves of emotions rage inside him through the tautness of his arm muscles as he now squeezes me like I am his.
Jaden decides at that moment she wants to be close to us as well. Her little body crawls over the corner of the couch, and she climbs into my lap. She snuggles her head under my chin, and she slips her little fingers between Alex’s and mine. I have no doubt this little peanut can sense that something is wrong. Her green eyes stare at us as she sucks on her pacifier. Her cute little pigtails bounce as her attention volleys between watching us and looking at the signing puppets on TV.
“It all seems so stupid and pointless.” My words are soft but clear. “The amount of time we spent not speaking and being angry with each other. This is everything I wanted to avoid, and we wound up here anyway. I can guarantee Jordan would give anything to have one more day, hell one more hour with Hailey and we’ve been taking each other for granted.”
Alex burrows his face into my neck and nods. “I know, angel. Trust me, I get it. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I can’t imagine how Jordan feels. I don’t want to. Losing the woman you love is awful.”
CHAPTER FORTY
QUINN
ALEX COMES BACK DOWN THE HALL, HIS ARMS NO LONGER filled with a sleeping Jaden. “She’s out. Didn’t move a muscle as I laid her in the Pack’n Play.”
It’s been a long, emotionally draining day. The three of us spent most of the afternoon cuddled on the couch together watching Trolls, Moana, and Frozen. Jaden got up and danced whenever a song came on and then crawled back into our laps as soon as it was over. There’s no doubt she senses something is wrong, but she seems to be okay when snuggled between us.
We decided to head out for some fresh early spring air around dinner time and took Jaden to the diner and then to the park for a little bit. She was out cold by the time we made it back here.
Now it’s just Alex and me, swimming in a sea of awkwardness from an unresolved conversation started earlier but interrupted by a sweet girl who needs attention. It seemed like Jaden drove away the giant elephant in the room, but now it’s back, and it will not be ignored.
Alex makes his way to where I’m leaning on the kitchen island. I can’t remember a time I felt this unsure around my husband. My hands itch to grab onto him and hold him to me, making him remember how it used to feel between us.
Taking a step back, I turn away from Alex, giving myself a moment. Despite my love and wanting to be close to him, I also feel very vulnerable.
Alex doesn’t let me get too far. He reaches his hand out and brushes his fingers down the outside of my arm. “We’re going to get through this, angel. I promise we will fix this.”
I turn and sigh. “I’m tired, Alex. I don’t want to fight anymore. I miss us. I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. I miss it all. I don’t know what you want me to do or how to fix it.”
My body sizzles as Alex pulls me flush against him. It’s almost as if being this close to him reawakened a part of me lost in our discord. “We will figure it out. You’ve been trying, and I’ve been shutting you out. I should be asking you how to fix this. How to apologize.”
“Love me. I just need you to love me the way you used to. Love me like I am the only thing in the world that matters.”
His fingers grasp my face, and he pulls it to his. He stares into me as his words begin to soothe the ache in my heart. “You’re all that’s ever mattered. Nothing will ever be more important to me than you. I love you. I love you so much it hurts. Even if it’s been hard to see that lately, I love you so fucking much.”
Alex crashes his lips into mine, causing a thousand different feelings to course through my body as he takes my mouth. He delves into my hair, using his fingers to hold me to him as he pushes his tongue inside, seeking out mine. This kiss is a statement. It’s punishing, all-consuming, and everything I need for my body to come alive.
He invades every corner of my mouth with his tongue—licking, seeking, taking control. My hands fist in his shirt, holding on as I surrender to the moment. My need to feel him, to know he’s still here and we’re going to figure this out, is so strong it’s uncontrollable.
“It’s not enough,” Alex grumbles, his lips never leaving mine. “I need to feel you, all of you.”
My body shivers. I feel it too. Nothing is close enough right now. Our world has been rocked today, and we got a brutal dose of reality. My need to connect with my husband is on a primal level. Alex’s hands leave my hair only to grip my hips as he lifts me off the ground, leaving me with no other option than to wrap my legs around his waist.
Carrying me from the kitchen, Alex makes his way up to our bedroom, the one he’s never slept in. “Jaden,” I manage to say around his tongue in my mouth. No matter how fierce our need to feel each other, I’m not having sex with Jaden in the room. Alex redirects himself to the yellow room which has been untouched since we moved it and lays me down in the center of the floor.
His gaze sets me on fire as he pulls my shirt up over my head and tosses it to the side. His eyes rove over my body, leaving no part of me untouched by his gaze. His upper body lowers, and he wastes no time pressing his lips to the swell of my breasts. They feel like flames licking at my skin as each one sets me further ablaze. His
hands snake under my back as his lips worship my chest. My bra is off in the blink of an eye, and my core clenches as Alex pulls my nipple into his mouth. He locks his eyes onto mine as he scrapes his teeth up my stiff peak, eliciting a moan from my lips.
Alex’s growl reverberates around my sensitive flesh, amplifying all the sensations. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this. The slightest touches feel new and more intense than ever before. He releases one bud only to trade it for the other. His hands scratch down the sides of my body, causing my back to arch up off the floor, as he finds the waistband of my leggings.
It feels like forever since I’ve felt the thrill of anticipation. The sound of ripping fabric fills the quiet room, flooding me with desire. Soft lips kiss a path down the center of my body. There’s zero hesitation as he reaches my pussy and dives in. The first swipe of his tongue has my body singing and begging for more. Our eyes lock over my body as Alex slides his hands under my hips and lifts them up to his face. I let my legs fall open to allow him to have his way. He feasts on me like a man starved and my body eats it up. We’re both eager to have each other. Alex’s tongue explores every inch of me. He licks circles around my clit until I’m sure I’m going to explode, only to stop. He spears my opening with his tongue and my world tilts; everything swirls together as a cyclone builds inside me. The moment he drags his teeth up my swollen nub everything detonates.
His gaze bores into mine, as it all comes crashing down. “Oh… Oh… God… Yes, Alex.”
My thighs shake uncontrollably.
My core tightens and latches onto his tongue.
My fingers dig into his silky hair, pulling hard as every ounce of pleasure sears through my body like wildfire.