Content
1 Why do we need to get on with everyone
2 Self Awareness
3 Listening Skills
4 Empathy
5 Jealousy
6 Acknowledgement
7 Self Responsibility and Reliability
8 Tolerance and Acceptance
9 Avoid Spiteful and Mean Words
10 Adaptability and Tact
11 Selfishness
12 Rudeness
13 Gate Keeping
14 Where Other People are in Their Lives
15 Who are the People You Like to be With
16 How do you Feel you are Performing Overall?
17 Where are You in Your Life?
About the Author
Copyright
WHY DO WE NEED TO GET ON WITH EVERYONE?
Everyone starts life with an empty sheet and then, like a computer, we are gradually down loaded. If we are very lucky we will have had socially competent, loving parents with good personal skills and we will grow up finding social skills relatively easy though we may still have some gaps to fill. If we are not so lucky we will need to work harder to fill the missing pieces and plug lots of gaps. Fortunately all these skills can be learnt. With a little time and patience we can become highly functioning people with excellent personal skills.
Nearly everything in life we do requires us to get on with other people, from earning a living, to buying our food and necessities to our private life with friends, family and loved ones. Whatever we do in our lives requires us to talk to and be with other people.
As we have to have these relationships the better we can handle them the smoother and easier our lives will be.
People who have good interpersonal skills have an easier passage through life with more opportunities presenting themselves with better contacts and more friends. More people will be inclined to help them. This relates to business, private and personal lives. There is no area that will not be affected. They will be easier to deal with, less confrontational and if problems do arise they will be more easily solved.
This book is not intended to give all the answers but general guidelines which should be helpful. Some things you will know and others may be new to you.
SELF AWARENESS
‘Know thyself…’
- Socrates
‘Self-awareness – recognising a feeling as it happens – is the keystone to emotional intelligence.’
- Daniel Goleman
Emotional Intelligence
One of the first things to do in our quest to get on with other people is to become very self aware. The more we are aware of ourselves the less likely we are to make any social blunders and the more compassion and understanding we will be capable of having for others.
To become self aware we need to monitor
1. our own motives,
2. thoughts,
3. feelings and
4. actions.
If we monitor our thoughts we will understand our own motives and reactions to others. If we monitor our feelings we will know what makes us feel happy, sad, angry etc. Each time we understand ourselves a little more we will be able to understand others better. When we understand our own actions and reactions and why they have occurred, we are well on the way to becoming much more empathetic.
To become more self aware takes time and a little application but the rewards are enormous.
Questions to ask ourselves regularly are
1. How do I feel?
2. Why do I feel this way?
3. Could I have handled the last situation/date/meeting/conversation better?
4. Would I feel differently motivated now, would I feel better/worse, would the results be better/worse.
5. How is the person/people involved likely to feel towards me now?
You do not want to become over anxious about the other people but to be aware of how the other people are likely to feel and react. The ideal is to always do the best we can in any situation and produce the best possible results. If things do not turn out the way you planned you will have the satisfaction of knowing you have done your best and everything possible.
Persistence here will pay large dividends; you will improve all your relationships and your life generally.
You need to become aware of how you impact on other people and try to notice the following;
1. Are the things you are saying or doing having the expected or wanted effect on the other people/person you are with?
2. What reaction are you producing in other people, is there something you need to improve?
3. When you are speaking to people are they fully engaged with you? Does their attention stay focussed or drift off? Are they happy to continue the conversation or do they bring it to an end?
Be kind to yourself and accept that you will not do things perfectly all the time. If you do you will soon find yourself being more accepting of faults in others.
Do you have goals? Do you have business, financial, social or personal goals and how do they affect your behaviour? How do you perceive these in other people?
What values do you have? Do you believe in total honesty, good manners reliability and good behaviour? Do your beliefs waiver a little lower? These will definitely affect your behaviour and other people’s reactions to you and their perception of you. Do you judge other people on their values?
Does your behaviour mirror your beliefs; always, usually, sometimes or rarely. Just monitor your thoughts, feelings and actions and gradually you will become far more self-aware.
The more self aware you are the better your interpersonal skills will become.
LISTENING SKILLS
‘When people talk, listen and listen completely. Most people never listen.’
- Ernest Hemingway
‘I like the fact that listen is an anagram of ‘silent’.
- Alfred Brendel
Listening is one of the most underrated skills and one that is most generally lacking. Listening means hearing, and it means focussing on the person and hearing the whole message and also being aware of the feelings behind it.
All of this may sound very simple but it requires practise and concentration.
The following points are worth remembering
YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME IF
• You say you understand before you have heard me out. You cut me off before I have finished speaking
• You finish my sentences for me
• You want to tell me something else
• You make my experience unimportant by telling me your own
• You are critical of me in some way
• You are not giving me your full attention.
YOU ARE LISTENING TO ME IF
• You really try to understand even if I am not making much sense
• You grasp my point even when it is different to your own
• You let me make my own decisions even though they might be wrong
• You let me deal with my problem in my own way
• You do not give me good advice
• You accept my thanks gracefully
Listening skills can have an amazing effect on people. Several times I have been told I was an amazing conversationalist and very good to be with simply because I have listened carefully to someone. On each occasion I had certainly had done very little talking.
Do remember eye contact and body language. You need to face the person concerned with uncrossed arms and legs and preferably leaning slightly forward.
Try to make these skills a part of your life and not just something you keep up for a few days.
EMPATHY
‘Empathy builds on self-awareness, the more open we are to our own emoti
ons, the more skilled we will be in reading feelings.’ Emotional Intelligence Daniel Gorman P96
Empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s place and seeing the world through their eyes and feeling their emotions. This can be difficult to do as we all have our own opinions and beliefs about nearly everything. You need to be able to suspend all your own thoughts and feelings and put your self in the other person’s position before reaching any important decisions or expressing an opinion.
We are all brought up by different parents, raised in different places, have gone to different schools, possibly in different countries, possibly with different customs and beliefs. Our experiences through our lives will be totally different, some of us will have had an easy time, others hardships and difficulties of all types. This is likely to result in a totally different outlook on life.
Imagine yourself in the other person’s place, their age, in their place in life with their background. How does it feel? What are their responsibilities, problems and pressures? Do they have much security or backup? What are the onerous bits in their lives? What is happening in their lives right now? How would all those things make you feel? What would your outlook be?
The yogic idea of walking a hundred miles in someone else’s shoes applies here. If you can fully understand their view point you are less likely to criticise.
Put yourself in the place of the person you are talking to. Would you be happy being spoken to like this or having whatever you are doing done to you?
Empathy is not the same as sympathy. Sympathy is about feeling deeply moved by what has happened to another person. Empathy is tuning in to someone else’s reality but not losing touch with one’s own.
A partial lack of empathy often causes a lack of insight. Have you ever spent time with someone who never considers or only barely considers your agenda? They are completely wrapped up in getting their own wants and needs met to the exclusion of everyone else’s and have absolutely no thought for what you might need to do or achieve.
This may also show itself in small ways by not making or returning phone calls when it is of no immediate interest to them or of not bothering to listen properly. They may appear polite and charming generally but do not behave in the usual way unless they can see immediate benefit. Often the outcome of this type of behaviour is that other people become irritated and avoid them where possible. Long-term it is likely to cost them dearly in terms of friends and contacts.
A total lack of empathetic insight is called alexithymia. Alexithymics lack an understanding of their own emotions and also those of others. Doc Martin might be an example here. Extreme cases in this group would include rapists, psychopaths, and child molesters.
WAYS TO BECOME
MORE EMPATHETIC
Learn or improve your listening skills. These are key to empathy. If you do not listen properly you will miss what the other person is telling you and probably key facts. Listening is dealt with in the next chapter
Check body language. Does what you are being told match body movements? E.g. If someone tells you they are happy but has a scowl on their face and crossed arms you know something is amiss.
Improve your self-awareness. The more self-aware you are the more empathetic you will become.
See self awareness chapter.
Use open ended questions, e.g. ‘How do you feel today? How are things going for you? Questions asked this way allow people to talk about themselves and are better than, ‘You look good’ or ‘I hear you have had problems’ which may only get a thank you or a yes or no in reply.
Be there for people and help if it is appropriate.
People skilled in empathy pick up on subtle social cues are likely to find they have an easier path through life. They are likely to excel in the caring professions, selling and management also to have much less of a problem with office politics. Whatever they do it will be less problematic and probably more satisfying.
JEALOUSY
The green-eyed monster
‘A true friend is one who likes you despite your achievements’ Arnold Bennett
How would you feel if another person was jealous of something you had, had done or achieved?
If it was a friend you would feel hurt, you would probably feel sad and hurt if your friend was not pleased for you and your success. If it was a long term friend you might feel mortified. You might well regard him/her in a totally different way in future and certainly not such a flattering one.
People who have achieved in any way have normally invested time, energy and effort into their success whether it is financial, work related or social. Often they have denied themselves personally or socially and have been totally focused on their goals. If you do ever find yourself being jealous take a look at yourself and see what attributes, personal qualities or skills you are missing to achieve what you want and work at them. There is always a way. It may take a little work to get there but the rewards and feeling of accomplishment are substantial. Whatever you learn will give you another skill for life.
Buddhist philosophy deals with jealousy very well. It suggests a person can only experience one pleasure at a time in their day to day lives so if you learn to take pleasure in other people’s successes and joys you can increase your own happiness limitlessly.
It takes a little practice but every time you see someone achieve something or succeed in someway take pleasure in it yourself and feel pleased for them. This will very soon become a very positive habit for you and will help raise your pleasure in life and your energy level.
If someone you know has achieved something, if it is appropriate you can say something along the lines of, I am glad to hear you have achieved what you wanted, I am pleased to hear it has worked so well for you, what a fantastic thing xyz is.’ (You need to mean this). You will have confirmed the other person’s happiness and he/she will realise that you are happy for them which can only improve your relationship.
If something does press your buttons and you find yourself feeling jealous work out what you want. If you want to make money or succeed in business take the best business course you can find and fit into your life. If you want to be the best chef around get the best training you can. Whatever you want get yourself qualified, trained and well prepared. If you have a problem socially find a really good teacher or therapist to help. Try to look at yourself objectively and find the bits that need eliminating, altering, enhancing or tweaking. We all have negative bits that need a little attention.
Jealousy is corrosive and is likely to make other people withdrawn, it is quite likely to end a friendship or relationship. Any openness and trust between the people concerned will be likely to disappear and there will probably be a quick slide into the end.
I used to have an old school friend of fifty one years standing. To see her normally involved a day’s round trip of one hundred and fifty miles for me when she was over here from France. On one visit she asked me how business was and I told her. She suddenly thought I might be a little better off than she was and screamed, ‘You have always done better than me,’ and promptly turned a very odd colour. This was immediately followed by some attempts at spiteful sniping and after all the time I had known her I just could see no reason to put myself out any more.
If you find yourself feeling jealous
1 Identify exactly what is that makes you feel that way.
2 Think about whether it is justified.
3 Can you achieve whatever you feel you are missing out on?
4 Think how to achieve it.
5 Set a loose time scale and plan for achieving whatever you want.
6 Can you feel pleased for the person concerned?
7 Can you make good any damage if your jealousy has been obvious.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
How often have you done something for someone, put yourself out, given your best time and efforts and received no acknowledgement. It can hurt, be irritating, annoying or feel downright disrespectful.
I remember telling som
eone I knew that they were marketing their house for £45K less than it was worth. It took a lot of persuasion and days for them to put the price up. When it sold about two weeks later for the full price I was told they thought they had been lucky to be in the right place at the right time. As the person was in a low paid job, I knew it would have taken them years to save that amount money. A simple acknowledgement or thank you would have been greatly appreciated but was not forthcoming.
It has stuck in my mind and always irritated when I thought of that person.
If someone does do something for you or thinks of you then an acknowledgement of some kind is likely to be appreciated.
A few words can make a great deal of difference. If you ever need help in future it is far more likely to be forthcoming again and done pleasantly with a willing heart than if you give no acknowledgement at all.
Even if I am paying for something and it is particularly well done I acknowledge it. Often we pay for things and what we receive is poor. Why not compliment someone on a job well done. It has probably given you pleasure and has saved you the aggravation and time of having to complain. It is also likely to make the other person feel better and encourage him/her to keep up the good work. We rarely praise or give each other compliments in this country which probably contributes to the high level of low self-esteem in people in this country.
SELF RESPONSIBILITY
AND RELIABILITY
I can remember being told years ago that wherever I was in my life I had got myself there. It made an impact at the time but it had more and more impact on my life as the years went by. It is so true. There is no point blaming another person for anything that has happened to us, it is up to each of us as an individual to live our lives in the best way possible and be responsible for ourselves.
How to Get On With Everyone Page 1