by A. K. Evans
I couldn’t say she was wrong. That was mostly because I had said the same thing to her on Tuesday when I called her, and she tried giving him the benefit of the doubt. I had explained that while I genuinely believed he was dealing with a strenuous schedule at work, it had nothing to do with what was happening between us. Nash wasn’t the kind of guy who was uptight and worried about things like that. That didn’t mean he wasn’t a hard worker. In my eyes, his lack of enthusiasm about us had dwindled, and he had had a change of heart.
And while Kaia had tried telling me I shouldn’t have just lost my cool and took off that day because I’d likely have the answers I desperately needed now, I just couldn’t take it. I couldn’t handle knowing that after all those years, I’d let someone in, and they were doing this to me.
Kaia understood. She understood, better than anybody, that this was who I was. It was who I had always been. The moment I felt like I was losing control of a situation, and everything started crumbling down around me, I found it incredibly difficult to take a step back, think, and handle it rationally.
With Nash, it was even worse.
Because I felt like I was losing the one thing that had come into my life after eight long years, probably longer, that truly made me happy. That wasn’t to say that I wasn’t happy at all before I met him. It was just that Nash made everything better.
“What do you think I should do?” I asked Kaia, hoping she had a plan.
“Go to him.”
“What?”
“If he’s not going to follow through on what he said he was going to do, you need to go to him and demand answers,” she explained.
“What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?” I wondered.
Her voice dipped and was just a hair over a whisper when she suggested, “Find a way to make him talk. You deserve to know.”
“Are you okay?”
Another pause before she rasped, “I watched and listened as my sister came back to life over these last few weeks. Nothing made me happier than knowing you were getting something special in your life that made you sound like that. I could feel your excitement through the phone, Parker. It hurts my heart to hear you like this now. I hate that you were alone yesterday. I should never have come to California.”
No.
I couldn’t have her thinking she was responsible for taking care of me.
“I’m okay,” I insisted. “I love you, Kaia. Honest, I don’t know what I’d do without you. But you’ve got to get your own slice of happiness, too. And I know you’re finding it out there. I’ll be okay.”
“Promise me you’re going to get the answers you deserve,” she pleaded.
“I will,” I murmured.
“Do it today,” she urged. “Don’t wait. The sooner you know, the sooner you’ll be able to heal, move on, and find your happiness.”
Knowing how badly my sister’s heart was hurting, I decided against telling her that I wouldn’t be moving on to find happiness with someone. That news would only hurt her more.
But she was right. I deserved answers. I opened myself up to Nash for a reason I might not ever understand, and I had to understand why it didn’t work out.
“Okay. I’m going to get up and do it now,” I told her.
“Really?”
Nodding, even though she couldn’t see me, I said, “Yes.”
“No matter what happens, you know I’m here for you,” she said.
“I know.”
And I did. For the first time in days, I smiled because even if my entire world fell apart around me, I knew I’d always have my sister. That already made me luckier than a lot of people.
I talked with Kaia for a few more minutes before we disconnected. Then I got myself ready.
It was time to be the Parker I knew I was… the woman who took control of any situation to get what she wanted.
Even though I might not get what I ultimately wanted in this situation, I’d at least have the answers to why that was.
That was just going to have to be enough.
There were so many nerves running through me as I turned onto Nash’s street. With one simple turn of the wheel, I could save myself from the anxiety and head back home. In all my life, I couldn’t remember a time when I felt as nervous as I did right now.
That was saying something.
But despite the feelings that were completely consuming me, there was one other thing I was feeling. And it was safe to say I was nothing if not determined.
Answers.
I was going to get some answers.
I’d endure the trembling and shaking of my insides if it meant I was finally going to understand what I’d done to push Nash away.
When his house came into view, I started questioning whether it had been smart to eat that half of a bagel I shoved down my throat while I got ready this morning. That would be just my luck. I’d drive all the way over here, throw up from all the tension, and be forced to face Nash with vomit breath.
I took a few slow, deep breaths as I pulled into his driveway. Once I parked the car, I didn’t wait. I knew I could sit there for a few minutes and try to talk myself into everything I was going to say, but I’d already been over it a hundred times. Besides, the longer I sat there, the more likely it was that I’d just turn the car back on and drive away.
So, I immediately opened my door and walked up to ring Nash’s doorbell. It was still very early in the morning, but I didn’t doubt that he’d be awake. Even though things were strained between us now, I had spent a few nights together with him. He didn’t sleep in late.
Just as I was about to ring the doorbell again, I heard the lock on the door. A moment later, it opened. And everything I thought I was going to say to Nash went out the window because I could see that something wasn’t right with just one look at him.
Nash was shirtless, wearing only a pair of gray sweatpants that hung low on his hips. But he looked like he hadn’t slept all night. His eyes were red-rimmed and glassy. There was nothing but a tortured, pained look on his face.
Completely confused by the sight in front of me, I asked, “Are you okay?”
“Parker,” he rasped.
“Nash, are you okay?” I repeated.
He shook his head.
Suddenly, my heart was in my throat, and my stomach went cold. The idea that I needed to get answers about what was happening between us was ludicrous. I’d never, not once in my whole life, ever seen a grown man look so broken. It made me want to break.
Nash took half a step back and opened the door a little wider. I took that as his invitation to come inside. As soon as I had walked through and closed the door, I followed behind him deeper into the house and tried again.
“What’s wrong?”
He didn’t respond. His devastated eyes roamed over my face, longing and anguish omnipresent.
“Nash, babe, please talk to me,” I pleaded.
Sadness washed over him. “I’m sorry, Parker,” he started. “I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner.”
“Told me what?” I asked.
He hesitated briefly before he answered, “We can’t be together.”
My stomach sank. “I don’t understand,” I whispered through the sudden tightness in my throat. “Why not? What happened?”
Nash shook his head and looked away. I gave him a moment to collect himself. When he returned his attention to me, he said, “It’s nothing you did. I promise. This is all me.”
“But what is it?” I pressed. “Everything was great.”
Just then, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. Claudia had walked by, though she wasn’t close enough to reach out and touch. Seeing her, it all hit me. Everything made sense again.
“Oh my God,” I gasped.
“What?” Nash returned, suddenly alert.
My eyes left Claudia and went to him. “It’s because of her, isn’t it?” I started. “It’s because I said I wouldn’t ever want a cat. You’re ending things with me for that reason.�
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Shaking his head, he insisted, “That’s not it.”
Just like that, the desire to get answers about why he was doing this that had melted away at the first sight of him was suddenly back. My determination had returned in an instant, and I was desperate to know what I’d done wrong.
It didn’t matter that Nash had said I hadn’t done anything wrong. If that were truly the case, I believed Nash would have figured out a way to make it work.
Believing I knew the truth, I asked, “Is it because we’re opposites?”
“What?”
“You’re laid-back, and you go with the flow,” I started. “I’m uptight and like to know what’s coming next. Is that what this is about? Do you think we’re just incompatible?”
Once again, Nash shook his head. Unfortunately, he did not expand on his silent response.
This made no sense. I was standing in front of a man who was clearly distraught and upset over something. He’d done enough to indicate that his sorrow had something to do with the two of us, and yet he refused to tell me what was bothering him.
If it wasn’t about Claudia or the differences between Nash and me, then there was only one thing left I could come up with as an explanation. I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to allow Nash to destroy me more than I already was.
But I came for answers.
So, I had to do it.
“Did you ever feel anything for me?” I rasped.
His head jerked back in surprise. For a long time, he didn’t say anything. He simply stared at me, dumbfounded.
Eventually, he took a step toward me and said with a certainty I knew I’d never forget as long as I lived, “I fell in love with you, Parker.”
What? He did?
If he was honest, I was even more confused than I’d been before.
Taking slow, deliberate steps toward him, I closed the distance between us. When there was only a matter of inches separating us, I returned, “You love me?”
Nash dipped his chin.
Something came over me. Something profound and beautiful. And for reasons I couldn’t even begin to comprehend, I took a risk and pressed up on my toes to kiss Nash. He allowed me to kiss him, but he remained in control and never kissed me back.
“Kiss me,” I begged against his lips.
That did it.
Nash took my mouth in a possessive and claiming kiss. I knew the moment his tongue touched mine that there was no way we weren’t supposed to be together. His kiss was not a kiss that indicated he didn’t want to be with me. In fact, it said the very opposite.
Unfortunately, after days and days of not having any real physical contact with Nash, my emotions got the best of me. I moaned into his mouth. The moment I’d done that, he tore his mouth from mine, kept one hand on my hip, and left the other planted on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” he lamented. “I can’t. We can’t do this.”
“Why not? Please tell me what’s going on,” I pleaded with him.
Shaking his head, he shared, “I can’t give you what you deserve.”
I hadn’t been expecting that response. I didn’t even understand that response. Nash had given me so much more than I think he even realized. To be fair, I hadn’t exactly shared with him what all of that was. Maybe he needed to know.
“I just want you,” I told him. “That’s it. Don’t you know what you do to me?”
“It doesn’t matter,” he argued. “It’ll never work.”
“Why not?” I shot back, my voice getting louder.
Nash didn’t answer again. He let out a deep sigh and started to turn away from me. As he began pacing back and forth, I realized that the man I’d fallen in love with, the one who was so carefree and calm, was nowhere to be found.
“Why?” I asked again as he started moving toward me again.
He stopped in front of me for just a second or two, made no response, and turned around again.
“Please stop pacing,” I started. I began taking a couple of steps behind him. I needed to calm him down and get him to talk. “Damn it, Nash, talk to me.”
As soon as I got the words out, I found myself stumbling back as I flinched, brought my hands up to cover my face, and ultimately fell to the floor. Rolling to my side, I twisted my neck to look up in Nash’s direction.
Horror and confusion were written all over his face.
All I could remember was seeing him turn around so quickly as his hand flew up and out to the side as he shouted something at me. I couldn’t even recall what he said because I’d been so terrified. Looking at Nash now, I could see that hand in his hair, but at the moment, all I could see was that hand coming for my face.
Convinced Nash had just figured out something profound, I had to get out of there.
Answers or not, I couldn’t stay.
I looked away from Nash, pressed my palms into the floor, and scrambled to my feet. Like a flash, I was running through the front door and out to my car. I vaguely heard Nash calling my name, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t go back. I hopped in behind the wheel and took off.
While I hadn’t gotten the answers I’d been hoping for, I’d gotten the most important one.
I’d received confirmation from Nash that he was done with me. Anything else really didn’t matter at this point.
Twenty-five minutes earlier
The hurried footsteps approaching caused me to look up from where I was working on my BMX bike in the garage.
Her long blonde hair flowing behind her, my twelve-year-old sister was clearly in a rush. My eyes moved to her face, and I noticed she looked worried.
Dropping my tools on the garage floor, I stood and moved in her direction.
A moment later, Wren came to a stop in front of me and was completely out of breath.
“I need your help,” she panted.
“Relax,” I urged. “And breathe. What’s wrong?”
“Someone abandoned a kitten, and I don’t think it’s going to survive,” my sister explained. She moved past me into the garage and started gathering up supplies. As she worked to do that, she asked, “Can you get me the carrier so I can bring him home?”
I turned around and watched her move back and forth across the garage, getting what she needed. Then I reminded her, “Mom and Dad said you couldn’t rescue any more animals.”
My sister marched right over to me and looked up at me with the most desperate look I’d ever seen. She said nothing.
“What does that look mean?” I asked her.
“I thought you were smart,” she joked, though there was a bit of impatience in her tone. “You might be three years older than me, but you obviously aren’t that clever when it comes to stuff like this. Now, can you please get me the carrier?”
Instead of being offended by her remark, I shook my head with a smirk on my face and moved to the back of the garage where the carrier was put up high on a shelf she couldn’t reach. The sooner I did what she asked, the sooner Wren would explain.
Sure enough, once she had everything she needed, she demanded, “You have to come with me.”
“What? Where?”
Frustration littered her features, and she sighed. “Nash, big brother, there’s a kitten out there that needs our help. Please focus,” she demanded. “Mom and Dad said that I couldn’t rescue any more animals. They didn’t say anything about you.”
Letting out a laugh, I advised, “I’m not sure they’re going to go for that.”
Wren shrugged. “They don’t have a choice,” she insisted. “Besides, once you see how adorable he is, you’ll understand why they won’t be able to deny you anyway.”
“But I don’t want a cat,” I told her.
No sooner did I get the words out when my sister started shifting back and forth nervously on her feet. I knew she was worried about the kitten, and my need to tease her about it was making her fret even more.
Before I could calm her nerves, she hit me with the saddest look and rasped, “Please,
Nash. Please help me help him.”
I could never deny her.
Taking the carrier from her hand, I ordered, “Let’s go.”
Wren’s face instantly lit up as she declared, “You’re the best brother in the whole world.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled while the two of us walked out of the garage.
The truth was that I knew from the moment Wren told me she needed my help that I’d do whatever it was she wanted. My sister was my best friend. Sure, I was fifteen, she was twelve, and our interests couldn’t have been more different.
But none of that mattered.
There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her.
Wren made it easy, too. She was a fierce girl who knew what she wanted, and she’d stop at nothing to get it. As tough as she was, she wasn’t beyond pretending to be a helpless girl just to get me to bow to her whims.
And I fell for it every single time.
As she led us to where she’d found the kitten, I noted, “You know you should probably prepare yourself for the worst-case scenario here. I mean, if by some miracle you can convince Mom and Dad that I’m the one who wants this animal, they aren’t going to allow anymore beyond this.”
“Yes, they will.”
“Wren, we’ve got too many already,” I said.
Picking up her pace, she countered, “It would be unfair of them to let me have as many as I do and not allow you the same.”
“The difference is that you want to take care of all these animals,” I returned. “I don’t.”
“You won’t have to,” she insisted. “I’ll do it. I just need you to pretend that they’re your heart’s deepest desire when Mom and Dad ask.”
My sister was wise beyond her years. She was also the kindest person I knew. Her heart was so pure, unlike anything I’d ever seen. Nobody, none of the kids in school, were like her. She cared about people and had an affinity for animals.
That was precisely the reason we now had two guinea pigs, a hamster, three dogs, a goldfish, and a cat at our house. I couldn’t blame my parents. They had no choice but to draw the line. It was starting to feel like we were living in a zoo.
In her defense, Wren took care of the animals. She never left the job of caring for them up to my parents. The fact was, they were her number one priority when she wasn’t in school.