by Eden Butler
Some of the renovations had been completed by the time Johnny and I returned from the Hamptons. Indra spent most of the next weekend filling me in on what of the bottom floor was left to complete.
“It all looks so different,” I told her, excited to see several of the older students volunteering to help Indra and the staff to organize the classrooms and ready the music room for the upcoming sessions. The ceiling had been fixed and a new air conditioning and vent system installed, and paint and new flooring were over halfway finished on the entire first floor. Blues and greens adorned every wall, and pops of white and black frames accented the surfaces, giving the place a modern vibe that brought a new energy to the whole space. Rico had worked magic, and I was officially under his spell.
There would be an end-of-summer concert next month, and the students were eager to try out the new facilities and, as it turned out, the new equipment and instruments Johnny had purchased as a reopening gift to the center.
“That’s because it is different.” Indra motioned to the few stragglers. They were all older kids excited about their last concert with the group, watching us as they left the hallway and focused instead on our conversation and not the boxes still left to unpack in the classrooms. “What are you doing?” she asked them, grinning when two of the girls shrugged. One of the older girls, Camille, looked at her companions then smiled, seeming not to care what anyone thought.
She was taller, all knees and elbows, and messy, Indra had always called her, but goodhearted. A mama hen, always taking care of the other kids. But Camille was nosy and she didn’t have a filter, something that was apparent as she stepped away from the classroom and rested her hand on her hip, giving me a look that was half tease, half serious inquiry.
“We were just wondering where Miss S’s man got off to. He was cute.”
“That’s enough,” Indra told Camille, shooing away the girl and her friends, though she couldn’t quite hide her smile. When the girls disappeared into the classroom, Indra turned, arms crossed as she faced me. “That’s actually a good question.”
“Which is none of your business,” I told her, waving her off when she pouted. “Don’t make that face. You’ll get wrinkles.”
“That’s not gonna happen.” She smoothed a hand over her cheeks. “Too much melanin in this epidermis, my friend.”
Ignoring the eye roll I gave her, Indra tried again to dig into my personal business, but she was thwarted when the front doorbell rang. I checked the monitor in the reception area, instantly irritated as I caught sight of my uncle and a man I didn’t know waiting outside to be buzzed in.
“Best behavior,” I told Indra. My friend frowned, looking toward the entrance as I hit the buzzer, and her frown shifted, morphing into a forced smile that made her look like the Cheshire cat.
“Father Nicola,” she said, extending a hand to my uncle.
He took it, accepting the hug she gave him with an awkward pat on her back before he looked over her shoulder, his features relaxing when he spotted me. “Ah, Samantha. Come, please.”
The man next to my uncle seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t quite place him. He was young, maybe just a few years older than Johnny, with blue eyes and sandy brown hair. He had a dimple in one cheek and wore a tailored blue suit that made his bright eyes shine.
“This is my niece, Samantha Nicola. Sammy, this is Liam Shane.” My uncle turned, pushing me toward this Shane fellow with his hand at the center of my back. “Mr. Shane is interested in your charity, love, and wanted to see the facility.”
“Your uncle tells me the Carelli family are donors?” Liam asked, a small twitch pulsing over his bottom lip.
“Well, they have participated,” Uncle Pat added, dismissing Johnny’s involvement in my charity.
“Would you like to see the facility?” I asked Liam. I felt awkward and on edge that his first question had been about Johnny’s family. He nodded once, and Indra greeted him, bringing him into one of the classrooms.
“You should be in there with him, not your friend,” Uncle Pat said, leaning close to me as though he didn’t want anyone to make out what he said.
“Why? It’s not like…” I turned, only just noticing his smile. My stomach fell, and I took a step back, head shaking. “What are you doing? My Lord, you know this isn’t going to work.”
“You deserve someone respectable, and this Shane fellow is an attorney from a good family. His father owns several trucking companies, and he has his own money as well. You could do worse, and he’s better than…”
“Than what, Uncle Pat?” I stepped closer, pulling him away from the hallway and the classrooms. “Better than the father of my child? Where is this even coming from? Johnny told me last night that he went to your office and you both agreed…”
“We agreed? What did that boy say we agreed to?” His voice was loud now, indignant, and he didn’t lower it when I tried to quiet him. “Tell me.”
“Johnny said you agreed to disagree about us being together but that you would…stay…out of it.” Saying it aloud made it sound idiotic. My uncle couldn’t stay out of my life any more than I’d ever be able to keep from advising Betta on anything, regardless of how old she got.
Once you’re a parent, you’re a parent for life.
I dropped my shoulders as the swell of anger and disappointment bubbled in my gut. Johnny had lied to me. It might have been in an effort to give me at least a little peace, but it was still a lie no matter the intention.
My uncle’s unamused laugh felt like a slap across the face, all bitter and irritating, and I stepped back, waiting for him to deliver the final insult. “Agreed to disagree. That stupid boy wanted my blessing.”
“And you said?”
“The truth.” He frowned, acting disappointed, as though I should have guessed his response. “I will never give my blessing for you to be with Johnny Carelli. You have always known this. Now, he does too.”
Behind us, Indra’s voice carried as she led Liam back toward the lobby.
“He has money and wants to donate,” my uncle whispered, holding my arm as he turned me to face Liam. “If he invites you to dinner, accept. There’s no harm in keeping a man like that company after he’s donated handsomely to your charity.”
“No, I suppose there isn’t,” I said, wanting to be anywhere other than in this building, facing this man. He was handsome enough, but he wasn’t Johnny. No one ever would be, no matter who my uncle decided I needed to be spending time with.
“Ms. Nicola, the facility is excellent. Tell me, how big is your staff?” Liam asked, nodding as he looked around the room.
“Ah…we host a staff of fifteen volunteers,” Indra offered for me when I didn’t answer the man quickly enough.
“Yes,” I finally said, still in a bit of a daze from the information my uncle gave me. I didn’t like how Liam seemed to calculate square footage or how closely he watched our teachers and students breaking down tables and chairs and reconfiguring their placement in the rooms.
“Well, I’d love to discuss a donation and the possibility of a fund raiser I have in mind over dinner. Say, tonight at eight?” Over Liam’s shoulder, my uncle nodded, throwing me an insistent, encouraging nod of approval.
“Eight tonight?”
“Yes,” Liam said, stepping closer to take my hand. He held it to his mouth, kissing my knuckles longer than I thought was necessary or comfortable. “Eight tonight. Just you and me, Ms. Nicola.”
“Like hell,” Johnny said, stepping through the front entrance doors as they closed behind two exiting volunteers. His face was contorted in twisted anger. He bypassed my uncle, who tried and failed to stop Johnny from approaching me, and went straight for Liam, standing in front of me as he tore the man’s hand from my fingers. “You’re gonna want to back the fuck up, Shane.”
“Carelli,” Liam said, laughing as though Johnny weren’t glaring at him like he was ready to do him serious damage. “I’m sorry, did I step on your toes by coming
here?”
“You know where you are, and you know why the fuck you shouldn’t be.”
“Do I now?” Liam stopped smiling and dropped his hand, slipping it into his pocket as he stared up at Johnny. “I got no reason to cause beef with you.”
“No? But you got pissed that Cara’s husband put you out on your ass the other night, and I hear you’ve been asking around about them. When that got you nowhere, you started asking about me and mine. You being here—” he nodded, motioning toward me “—makes me think you’re itching for a scrap, when you know damn good and well you don’t want that shit.”
“Johnny, please stop…” I said, but he held up his hand, silencing me without even a backward glance.
“I think,” Liam started, not backing down or cowering away from Johnny as he kept his stance wide and intimidating. “You got territorial issues where they don’t belong. According to Father Nicola, you have no business here. I do.” Liam bit his bottom lip, tilting his head toward me, nodding twice. “I’ll admit, maybe I’ve got words for your cousins about things I’m owed.” He slipped his gaze to me, looking me over like I was naked and he liked what he saw. “But this? Bonus. And I plan to make that shit my personal business.”
It was a threat enough for Johnny to act, and when he did, the result wasn’t pretty. One small shove set Liam off. Johnny seemed to allow the man the first swing, but the first one was all it took before Johnny blocked him, clapping him on the ear loud enough that the sound echoed around the room, and Liam grunted, covering his injury. Johnny pushed his advantage, punching into the man’s gut, sending him to the floor.
“Johnny! Stop it right now!” I tried, only to be held back by both my uncle and Indra when I made a pointless attempt to separate the two men from spilling blood in front of my kids. “Oh God,” I said, spotting a few of them staring out of the slightly open classroom doors as Johnny and Liam fought. “Get in the classroom!” I told them, and they scattered, still peeking through the windows and the doors.
“That…all…you…got…” Liam said, throwing a dirty punch that caught Johnny on the right side of his jaw.
Johnny seemed tired of the tussle and blocked a second attempt before he jumped on top of Liam, pinning down both his arms before he started to slam his fists into Liam’s face over and over again.
“God!” Indra said, hurrying out of the building and running toward Angelo, Johnny’s guard, who was leaning against the Mercedes parked outside our building.
“You see, Samantha?” my uncle started, pointing at Johnny as Angelo charged inside and pulled the men apart. “This is all he will ever be. Nothing more than a thug. You deserve better than him.”
Johnny turned, his knuckles bloody, the underside of his jaw cut and already bruising. He didn’t stare at me. Instead, he shot my uncle a glare, his features tight and menacing before he shook his head, looking like he needed a moment to remind himself he wasn’t supposed to throttle men of the cloth.
“He won’t ever change—” Uncle Pat tried, but I cut him off, stepping away from him and the look on Johnny’s face as he watched me.
Uncle Pat’s anger lingered, got tied up in what I knew looked like Johnny’s defeat. I’d seen it before. I’d put the same expression on his face a dozen times in just the past weeks alone.
I broke away from my uncle’s grip, ignoring that frustrated look. I also ignored my uncle’s voice as he called after me, and I spared one final glance at Johnny before I left through the front door.
“Please…take care of my kids,” I told Indra, passing her as I walked out the door. “I’ve gotta go…”
“Yeah, Sam. Go,” she said, practically pushing me out of the building.
I tried to forget the regret that had doubled. Now I wasn’t sure if Johnny was disappointed in me for walking away or worried that I wouldn’t come back.
13
Johnny
You can’t own a woman.
She isn’t your property.
She isn’t your possession.
But she can completely control you.
It was the only answer for how consumed Sammy made me feel—half crazed, half possessed by the worry that she’d walk away and I’d never get the chance to earn her forgiveness or her love.
I lied. She had to know about that shit by now. Why else would she bother giving a piece of shit like Liam Shane a second glance? Sammy had no idea who or what he was, and I had a sneaking suspicion him being at her center had all the hallmarks of her uncle’s interference.
It all came down to the old man and the games he was playing with Sammy’s life. I used to think, once he was gone, the problems between us would be over. But that wasn’t true. People like the priest left marks. They left shadows that could never be erased. He was making sure the shadow he left behind would eradicate me from Sammy’s life.
I just couldn’t let that happen.
She was angry. I got that. She’d likely be angrier knowing I’d ditched Shane and her uncle at the center and tailed her back to her temporary offices after Indra sent the volunteers and kids home. I gave Sammy time enough to cool off. Time enough so that when I showed, she wouldn’t want to throttle me. But when I walked into the lobby, the place was empty. No Sammy. No funny Indian friend of hers always cracking jokes.
Then I heard their voices coming from the back of the building, from the location of the small kitchen area Antonia had shown me when I’d toured the building. The first thing I could make out clearly was the clinking of glasses, then liquid pouring. Hell, it seemed we always drank when shit got rough, and shit was always rough of late.
I stopped just before the doorway, catching Indra’s and Sammy’s reflection in a framed list of class schedules against the wall. The women sat at a small table, their feet resting on chairs opposite each other with two wineglasses and a full bottle of wine between them. Sammy had pulled up her long hair, and from her reflection, I could make out how tired she looked, how worn down she was by the day, likely by the shitstorm I’d caused in her life just from pursuing her.
“You love him, don’t you?” Indra asked, and I held my breath, hoping that much hadn’t changed since the last time Sammy had told me she loved me.
“I love him.” Sammy nodded, the soft, slow smile on her face easing some of the worry that made my chest tighten at her friend’s question. But then the smile fell away, and she leaned on the table, rubbing her neck like she hated admitting that out loud. “Sometimes I hate him, you know?”
“It’s the nature of the beast. Can’t live with them…”
“Can’t shoot them.”
“Well,” Indra said, smiling behind her glass, “that depends on where you live.”
Sammy nodded, lowering her shoulders, her eyes taking on a glassy, out-of-focus stare. “I just know when I’m with him, everything makes sense. I feel like…” She went quiet, her chin shaking, but she made no noise as that sheen in her eyes grew thicker and she started to cry. “I feel like…myself.”
“And when you’re not?” Indra reached across the table, grabbing Sammy’s hand and holding it.
Sammy took the comfort until she pulled away. “Then I remind myself of all the nights I lay in my bed knowing what it felt like when Johnny Carelli ripped your heart out.”
I leaned back against the wall, eyes closed as I let Sammy’s words rush over me. I didn’t need to see her expression. It had played in my head a thousand times over the last ten years.
Her crying as I told her I didn’t love her.
“So, that doesn’t answer my question,” Indra said. “What do you want?”
Her face red and blotchy, sniffling while she stood on that sidewalk, holding a fifty-dollar bill in her hand as I walked away with some tart on my arm.
“I want to be happy and not have to worry if the man I love is going to come home or not.” Sammy wasn’t telling Indra anything she didn’t know about my family.
Everyone knew who we were. It was why her uncle had always warned
her away from me, she’d confessed. Friendships with a Carelli were fine. Love was not.
“I want a family and to have lots of babies and to be with a man I never get tired of kissing.” Sammy’s voice was softer now, like the thought of a happy life filled her from the inside out. I hadn’t heard her speak that way in years. “I want that feeling to last forever.” She released a long, rough breath, and when she spoke again, that soft tone was missing from her words. “Is that too much to ask?”
“Of course not.”
“But I can’t stay away from him, even though I know I should. For my own sanity, I should.”
She should. I knew that. We both did. Liam Shane had hinted at a beef today that wasn’t mine, but it belonged to Smoke’s family. My family. My blood. Shit like that would probably always touch me. It would never be far enough away from me, no matter where I went.
Could I protect her from that? Would she ever be safe?
“I just want to feel normal and secure,” Sammy told Indra, sounding desperate. It was what I wanted for her too. “I just want to be happy for once in my pathetic life.” She was miserable now because of me. Would she always be? “I just…want to be happy.”
Pushing off the wall, I walked away from the kitchen and the sting of Sammy’s words. The truth hurt worse than any lie. But sometimes, the best thing we could do caused the most pain, especially when they were the hardest sacrifices we ever had to make.
14
Sammy
There were two missed calls and a text message on my cell when I finished drying my hair after a long shower. I was torn between wanting to hear Johnny’s voice and swearing off him forever.
Each choice seemed logical.
Each seemed ridiculous.
Both were pointless.
Johnny hadn’t called.
Angelo had brought over pizzas and movie tickets for the kids and volunteers as a way of apologizing for causing a scene. He’d even sent “Mr. Carelli’s sincerest apologies” to me personally with a bottle of red and more roses, but Johnny himself had not called.