The Day I Found You

by Pedro Chagas Freitas

  ‘it’s a notebook with superpowers’

  and he handed them a heap of blank sheets of paper just like the one that changed his life

  ‘whatever you write on it really happens’

  and everybody laughed except the children, who started trying it out at once.

  You are in apartment 4B and I don’t know what I’m doing with these nerves,

  to hell with love, dammit,

  it’s so much easier not loving but what the hell are we doing here if we don’t love?,

  I brought my best shirt, I asked my mother to iron it, I really do like my mother so much, that might be the first secret I tell you, keep it well, and we haven’t even spoken for more than two minutes yet, would you believe it, and the second secret is that I love you, or something of that kind,

  and I don’t yet know what love is really, I’m quite sure that nobody knows, but this seems like the thing we see in books, it really does,

  and I ring the doorbell and there’s your voice, oh hell, how can a voice mess with so many different parts of your body?,

  come up, and I come up, there’s an elevator on the left but I’ve got more than enough suffocation on the inside already, I take the stairs and that way I have time to think about you,

  and I’m not even with you yet and already we’re alone together,

  and I count the steps and my hands sweat,

  you promise that when I kiss you you’ll show me what to do with my tongue?,

  in English class the teacher saw me looking at you and she smiled, I hope she didn’t say anything to you, I want you to learn that I love you from my own mouth,

  I’m a serious kind of man, take note of that,

  and I arrive up here, I give my hair a quick tidy, I hope you like the Ronaldo style I did just for you, the gel’s only the Miniprice own brand but it’s the thought that counts, I’ve brought you a photo of you that I’ve printed off your Facebook profile,

  who’s that dude who’s always around drooling over you anyway?,

  and I look at my reflection in the glass and I prepare myself for the most important moment in my life,

  every time I meet you it’s the most important moment in my life, did you know that?,

  you left the door ajar and that might be a sign, I read somewhere yesterday that to love is to keep a door always ajar, now we’ll find out if that’s true, literature has a solution for everything, I know that line is nothing special but at least it’s mine,

  do what you like with it, but with me just put your arms round me, please,

  and I go in and you aren’t there to receive me, you must be in the living room, most likely, I look around and search for signs of your existence, I would have bet that painting was done by you, only yesterday your mother told me you’re very talented, and she’s right,

  and I swear even if you told me Sporting was your favourite team I’d say you’re still perfect,

  the living room is large and you’re on the sofa, I can tell by your hair resting on the cushion, and the television is on,

  do you want to watch that movie with me for the rest of your life?,

  and I’m already standing in front of you and I see you’re sleeping, I love your hair but right now you might move it aside a little so I can see your face, just a minute ago you spoke to me and now you’re asleep already, or did the stairs take longer than they seemed to?, I don’t know what to do, I stand there looking at you and loving you all alone,

  standing there looking at you and loving you even all alone is always the right decision,

  I still entertain the possibility of saying something but I give up, I’ll let you sleep and come back later, I’ll write you a note,

  I was here and I’ll be here always, how does that sound?,

  and I sneak out, I look back at you one last time over my shoulder, you’re still on the sofa,

  you’re as beautiful as a title-winning goal, how’s that for a declaration of love?,

  and you don’t even know that I existed here, that I consumed you here, me and you in the intimate moment of your sleep,

  we still haven’t even kissed and we’ve already slept together, would you believe it,

  and I close the door gently so as not to wake you, down I go in the elevator, despite everything I’m already breathing easier,

  a second looking at you and my lungs open up completely,

  I press zero and when I look at your door I see a number and a letter that get me thinking,

  apartment 3B,

  and maybe there’s still time to go back up, you’re in apartment 4B and with all these nerves I don’t know what I’m doing,

  to hell with love, dammit.

  Just because I’m vaccinated against dengue doesn’t mean I’m going to offer myself up to the mosquitoes,

  you say so many things that are entirely your own and it’s just my fucking luck to have you here, I’ve loved you even before knowing how and maybe that’s the only way to love, I don’t know, I’m just saying, before you I thought about the impossibility of a mouth like that,

  the first time we slept together we forgot to sleep,

  the door to the veranda of my minuscule apartment open, and hellish winter out there and a happy hell in here,

  you had a laughing skull printed on your knickers, either that or it was my happy body that was laughing and the skull was as dead as any other,

  we were forbidden but we loved each other like God, till death do us part, it’s quite clear, the problem is that there were several deaths to experience and that’s why here we are,

  how many times is it possible to love you for the first time?,

  because I want one more, just this one, today we came to a hotel to die better,

  I want one of these beds at home,

  and you lie down,

  and I like it when you play at being grown-ups with me, you invent expressions nobody really says, talk to me about the most trivial things in the world, how that girl with a blog has gone to Brazil, there’s a sale at Zara,

  and the poem is in the voice, not the verse,

  we hugged for a time on the escalator, I can assure you there was an adolescent couple who envied our irresponsibility,

  when I embrace you I hope for an embrace, and for it to be you,

  our boredom thrills me, your hands on the hair of my chest,

  being happy is so simple, isn’t it?,

  I’m looking at you as I see you, your lips are like clouds when I look at you over my glasses and over a handful of words,

  this morning I remembered the times I made you cry, and I cried,

  I’m so little for your size, I write some crap that only I understand, and it’s inexplicable that you should be mine,

  one day I will be a candidate for the Nobel with your skin,

  touching you made me a writer, and oh man how lucky,

  I write in order to love you better, I think I’ve already written that before but here it is again, the most ironic thing is that while I’m writing you miss me,

  maybe you also write in order to know that you love me, who knows?, but it’s truer than true that I mostly write to take you to bed, or didn’t you think so?,

  I could invent a Bible just for my faith in you, but you don’t deliver me from evil, amen,

  just because I’m vaccinated against dengue doesn’t mean I’m going to offer myself up to the mosquitoes,

  you say again,

  have I told you I know your crooked teeth by heart when you smile?,

  we have only this night for loving each other tonight,

  why did I need you in order to be able to live like this?,

  we need to make a choice between loving and writing, and I choose you,

  perhaps one day I’ll know which side you’re on.

  You’re wearing the blue watch I gave you for your birthday and the promise of a kiss, it’s all I need to do to open up your arms and invite you under the sheets,

  there’s su
ch cold in me when you’re not around,

  I’ve closed the windows and my eyes and there’s no way of getting to sleep, hearing the whole city filled with people and none of them is you,

  God happens through difference,

  and through the way when you arrive you smile at me and apologise for being late again, with the office and those meetings, it’s nearly ten seconds before I wordlessly say come over here and embrace you inside,

  there is one life only and you are so unending in me.

  We meet as ever in the centre of the abyss, your thick veins, I call you to that space in me where even the skin dares not reach, and love happens,

  and I really do feel like just staying still, just listening to our breathing as it calms, my mouth dry but I can’t risk missing a second too far from your lips, I have to preserve the moment, each one, whisper in your ear just how deeply I love you, rest my head on your chest and hope that there is never again an afterwards,

  but in a few moments you’re already gone, you realise the time and the bed is empty again, you say sorry, you slip your body, how I need your body, beneath your clothes, you kiss me gently without telling me you love me, and you leave the bedroom, your phone already in your hand and you answering,

  I am, yes,

  and by the way you talk it might be your wife asking if you’re running late.

  and I love you so much but today I’ve got to take the car to the mechanic, the wheels are making a funny noise, it’s probably nothing but it’s best just to check, tomorrow I promise we’ll see, how about if we eat at that new restaurant by the roundabout, and then I’ll take you to the movies, oh boy won’t I take you there,

  and I love you so much but today I’ve got to watch the kid doing his practice, the coach called and told me we’ve got a real ace, our boy’s playing like a grown-up, would you believe it, when I arrive back with him see if you can have that food he loves ready, the little bastard deserves it, oh boy does he deserve it,

  and I love you so much but today I’ve got to work late at the office, there’s that foreign guy’s project to complete, everything here is desperately stressed, I don’t know if I can take it, I’ll call soon to find out how you’re doing, with the kid and everything at home, right now I’ve got to go show these people what hard work looks like, oh boy do I have to show them,

  and I love you so much but tonight I’ve got to get to bed early, tomorrow’s that important meeting I told you about, if we manage to hook this client we’ll be so pleased, that house, the new car, who knows?, I just have to try and persuade him, I’ve got everything all ready in my head and nothing can go wrong, we’re going to be rich, mark my words, oh boy won’t we be,

  and I love you so much but you’re not there today, I arrived at the time we’d arranged to take you to dinner but you weren’t there, and the kid wasn’t either, he must be at practice, OK let me just call, no one’s answering, neither you nor him, you’re probably planning something, you’ve always been like that, full of surprises, any second now you’ll come through that door and tell me you love me, oh boy won’t you tell me,

  and I love you so much but today I’ve got to sign this piece of paper, I look at you and say sorry, I promise there will be no more mechanics or practices or foreign clients or meetings coming between us, I assure you that I want you above anything, I look you in the eye one more time and I try to soothe what is hurting in you, but you just tell me to sign and I sign, hands trembling and I’ve even shed a tear on them, when our son learns about it he is going to cry like a little kid all over again, our ace, you could at least stay for our ace, or at least for me, to keep me alive, God protect me from not having you with me, I’m an impossibility if I don’t have you to like, oh boy aren’t I,

  and I love you so much but today I’ve got nothing to do, the house is dark, an empty silence and nothing to do, just wait for you to forget me and go back to loving me, and I love you so much, oh boy don’t I love you?

  ‘A tightrope is the only thing that ties you to life.’

  ‘But it hurts. It trembles.’

  ‘And yet hold on. And yet cling on. Make yourself want more of that thing for ever. It’s only what slips through your fingers that really proves that you have fingers at all. Only when you’re facing near-death that you value life.’

  ‘Do you like trembling?’

  ‘I need to tremble. I need to feel the tightrope wobbling, my legs wobbling, my body wobbling. It’s only what takes me out of myself that feeds me. An orgasm makes me tremble, a euphoria makes me tremble.’

  ‘A pain, too.’

  ‘I need to understand what I am, even if it hurts. Only someone who trembles can understand what he is. Other people aren’t really able to be: they just are. And they never tremble. I feel so sorry for anybody who’s never trembled. What are they doing here? Only things that have made me tremble have ever been unforgettable.’

  ‘Life is there to have unforgettable moments.’

  ‘Never forget that. Life’s only there if something in you is trembling. It’s only what makes you tremble that stops you forgetting.’

  ‘I make you tremble.’

  ‘Always.’

  ‘And when I stop?’

  ‘We’ll have to find other paths. Other ways.’

  ‘Other people?’

  ‘If we must. People keep you attentive, keep you alert, keep you connected. When a person you love makes you disconnect, they’re no longer a person you should love. Love demands maximum vigilance, you must be a soldier on the battlefield, your whole body awaiting an attack, a stray bullet. And if there’s one area in which love is unbeatable it’s in the quantity of stray bullets it releases. Sometimes you get hit and you don’t even notice. And then love no longer exists, just a pain spreading through the middle of your chest, a pain that consumes you, tears you to pieces, brings you down. You think it’s love and it’s nothing but a wound. There are wounds that resemble love.’

  ‘A moment of distraction and love is over.’

  ‘A moment of distraction and life is over.’

  ‘That’s what I said.’

  What changed without you was mostly the size of things,

  of this bed, for example, which was ridiculously small when we loved each other,

  how many times did we decide to buy a bigger one, we’d open some catalogue or other, but then we’d forget about it because there was this one and our bodies right here and maybe that was enough for us to be happy, wasn’t it?,

  the sweat and the tumbles, the whispered words, our breathing lost but not as lost as the rest of us,

  I’m not wearing any panties today,

  remember when you used to say that to me, your total smile and me at your feet, a bed isn’t enough space when you want somebody like that, and now it’s so big it’s unbearable,

  did I ever tell you that when your well-bred father admitted to me that you were the result of a quickie that I replied he had to be entirely mistaken because, like they say, haste is the enemy of perfection?, I’m such a fool, aren’t I?, I was just lucky you still loved me all that time,

  houses aren’t measured in metres, but in silences,

  the huge living room, the same four or five pieces of furniture, the TV, the sofa, and so much space to fill, not to mention the size of the pain I’m feeling, of course,

  you made me addicted to violence, that’s what it is,

  and now everything’s too calm, and all I wanted was a banal story, the family everybody wants and a more-or-less life to be getting on with, but you showed me where orgasm starts and now we see how little are the banal things I can manage without you,

  looking is the beginning of terror, I know that now,

  even your cruelty fascinates me, the way you slyly show me your body and you thrill me, what would I have gained in peace and lost in life if it hadn’t been for that street on that day?,

  you were in the most beautiful dress in the history of fashion and I’m telling you this
as someone who didn’t even see what you were wearing, because above it your eyes and face were happening and one really must prioritise and I did,

  faces exist for hands,

  or at least yours did for mine, I barely knew you and I was already risking everything with my right hand fitting perfectly on to your skin, thumb touching your lips, closed eyes seeing live for the first time which part of me happiness comes from,

  if butterflies live such a short time why is it that the one that flies in you is still holding out?,

  to hell with the Animal Protection Society and all the other associations, I’m going to stop feeding it and let it end up however it may, between awareness and madness I prefer whichever one brings you back, or rather the one that doesn’t bring you back at all, and until then I’ll wear a shawl or two and a piece of cloth over my chest,

  I’ve always heard you have to cover the dead as a matter of respect.

  You’re the woman of my life but the body has needs, you know?,

  time exists, and the skin sags, and excitement must be fed with whatever escapes from my love for you, I don’t tell you because I know you’d be hurt,

  somebody invented exclusivity in love,

  and when I seek out other bodies maybe I’m even paying tribute to you and maybe I’m even being a son-of-a-bitch traitor, just another husband being unfaithful to his wife, or to be more accurate I’m being both at the same time, as I love you like a madman and I also betray you like a madman,

  whoever said that liking someone this much had to make sense was a fool,

  I’m as perfect as I am imperfect when I don’t stop belonging to you when I belong to other women,

  but I swear to God I love you to the very depths of my days.

  You are the woman of my life but you are too beautiful for me to be able to confess to you,

  you stroke my hair when I lie with you on the sofa, run your hand through it,

  have I already said that God invented your hand to use as a mould for making all the others?,

  and over my skin and the world calms, there isn’t work happening, or meetings, or even guilt, just look, even that stops happening when you touch me like that,