by Kennedy Fox
That has me laughing. “Sounds like he was killing two birds with one stone,” I say, then take a large bite of my sandwich. They both look up at me with curious expressions. “To make himself seem unavailable and to make Liam jealous.” I flash them an obvious look.
Sophie smirks. “That’s why Liam’s jaw was about to snap in half.”
Maddie slams her palms down on the table. “I gave him every opportunity to...like basically do anything! One minute, he lets his guard down, and then it’s as if he suddenly remembers I’m a virgin and puts a wall back up. Ugh! Being a virgin sucks!”
Her voice goes up an octave, and the people sitting next to us look over, giving us death glares at her outburst.
“Might wanna say that louder next time, Mads. Don’t think the church down the street heard you,” I tease.
“I’m this close to selling it off to the highest bidder,” she says, pinching her fingers close together.
“Maddie, stop it!” Sophie tries to cover her mouth with her hand, and I laugh at them. It’s like we’re kids all over again.
“I doubt that’s the reason Liam is acting this way. It has to be something else. Maybe he’s preoccupied with his job. Isn’t it something serious?” I ask, hoping it comforts her. I haven’t known Liam that long, but I’m sure he wouldn’t write her off because she’s not experienced in the bedroom.
“Maybe. He’s a bounty hunter or something, and chasing down bad guys sounds intense. Maybe that’s his problem,” Sophie chimes in. “He travels for it too sometimes.”
I hold my hand out toward her. “Yes, see? Or he has small dick syndrome. Or he’s covered in warts or something. Definitely not you.”
“Eww.” Maddie scrunches her nose. “Well, I doubt that’s the case. His phone was blowing up with messages from Serena all day long.” She rolls her eyes to emphasize her disapproval. “Whoever the hell that is.”
“Hmm...I’ll ask Hunter. Maybe he knows.” I shrug and continue eating until my food’s gone. “Are you going to finish those chips?” I ask Sophie when my plate is clean.
“Nope, all yours.” Sophie pushes them toward me.
“Hey, did you know Liam and Mason have another roommate?” Maddie asks, stealing Sophie’s pickle.
I furrow my brows, thinking back if I remember hearing anything about it but nothing comes to mind. “No, I don’t think so. I thought it was just the two of them.”
“Apparently not. Mason casually mentioned her,” Maddie adds.
“Her?” I nearly choke. “They live with a woman?”
“Well not for long,” Sophie chimes in, looking just as bothered by it as Maddie. “Guess she’s moving out soon.”
“Who is she? An ex? A friend? A seventy-year-old grandma?”
Maddie snorts. “Nope, but I’m pretty sure she’s a little older than them from what I overheard.”
“That’s odd. Brandon never told me that.” Blinking, I think back to all the times he’d go over there to hang out. “Brandon and Hunter partied there a lot before I moved in. I wonder why it was kept a secret.”
“Well, now that you and Hunter are...friendly,” Maddie says, smirking, “perhaps you can bring it up and ask. Then give us all the details.”
I scoff. “I’m not gonna go all Nancy Drew on him.” Though I am curious.
“Oh come on! You wanna know just as badly as we do, Betty Cooper.”
I laugh at Maddie’s Riverdale reference. Betty Cooper finds out all the town’s secrets and gossip and then writes about them in the school’s newspaper.
“If there’s a casual way to bring it up, then I’ll try,” I concur.
I’ve finished the rest of Sophie’s food, and the waiter has cleared the table, but we don’t leave. Hanging out has become more rare with their rehearsal schedules, so I want to spend as much time with them as I can.
“How are you feeling? Any morning sickness?” Sophie asks as we settle back into our seats after getting drink refills.
“Any kicking yet?” Maddie perks up, trying to reach for my belly.
“I’m good, just tired. I think I feel a little something, which the pregnancy book says is common around four months, but I’m not exactly sure. It just feels like a little flutter.”
“It could also be gas,” Sophie interjects. I give her a scowl. “Well, it could! That’s what I heard anyway.”
“Well, baby kicks can’t be felt for a while from the outside, but the mother should be able to,” I say, repeating what I read.
“I can’t wait until you’re so big that when the baby moves around it looks like an alien inside your stomach,” Maddie states in a giddy tone.
I furrow my brows, giving her a weird look. “That sounds painful.”
“I’ve seen videos on YouTube and Instagram. There was this one woman whose baby’s foot pushed the skin so far you could see its tiny toes! Looked freaky as hell!”
“Stop scaring her,” Sophie scolds.
“If I have nightmares about giving birth to an alien baby, I’m blaming you!” I point my finger at her.
“Wait!” Sophie interjects. “You haven’t given us an update about…” She draws it out, unsure if she should say it aloud or not. Actually, I’ve only told her, so now Maddie will freak out when I explain the Jenna situation.
“I asked if we could talk more about it tonight,” I say after sharing the news with Maddie who, in fact, lost her shit. “I don’t know how he’s so sure, but he asked me to trust him so…”
“If they were casually hooking up, maybe he thinks she was sleeping with other guys too?” Sophie looks at me with a pitiful expression.
“I might be a virgin and all, but even I know you can get pregnant after one time,” Maddie chimes in, and her confused tone makes me laugh. “I mean, right?”
I purse my lips and nod. “There’s always a chance, even if using protection, unless they did it while…” The thought is so gross, I can’t continue.
“While what?” Maddie pushes.
Sophie catches on to what I was about to say and grimaces. “Ew.” She laughs. “Though I’m sure it happens.”
“Can you two fill me in please? You’re making me feel clueless.” Maddie pouts.
I lean in toward her and lower my voice. “Unless they had sex while she was...you know...on her period.”
We pull apart from each other, and she twists her lips. “People do that? Please tell me you’re messing with me because—”
“Wish I was, but nope. You normally can’t get pregnant during that time of the month, but hell, stranger things have happened,” I tell her.
“That’s disgusting!” She half laughs, half cringes.
“Yeah well, imagine how our talk is going to go tonight.” I sigh. “Not that I’m going to press him on specifics because it’s not my business, but we decided to wait until after the trip to discuss it so we could focus on being newlyweds.”
“It is too your business,” Sophie disagrees. “You two are in a weird ‘non-relationship’ relationship.”
“No,” I argue. “We’re just friends, Soph.”
“A friend you want to see naked,” Maddie adds with a taunting grin, and I’m seconds away from slapping it off her smug face.
“Joke’s on you because I’ve already seen him naked,” I blurt out, then immediately cover my mouth. Shit.
“What?” they exclaim.
I look at the imaginary watch on my wrist and start shuffling out of the booth. “Oh look, it’s getting late. I still have to unpack and do laundry.”
“Not so fast.” Maddie grabs my arm, pulling me back. “Spill the tea.”
I slouch back in the seat, and they’re staring at me. “It was an accident. I walked in on him just as he was getting out of the shower.”
“And you didn’t faint?” Maddie snickers.
“I was so embarrassed!” I hiss, my cheeks heating at the memory. “I turned around immediately.”
They both chuckle, and I mutter at them to shut up. “Can we
drop it now? I need to be able to look at him tonight.”
“Were things weird when you got back last night?” Sophie asks.
“No, but…” I stop myself, realizing it’s too late, and they’re going to press me on it anyway. “We slept in my old bed at Mom and Dad’s, and when we were in our own rooms last night, I missed him.” I shrug, knowing they’re going to give me so much shit. “Well, I missed having a body next to me,” I quickly add.
“And?” Sophie raises a brow.
“I asked him to lay with me. So he did, and we fell asleep snuggling.”
“Aww…” Maddie singsongs. “So now you’re what? Sleeping buddies?”
My head drops, and I groan. “I don’t know. It sucks sleeping alone when you’re so used to having someone next to you.” Though if I’m being honest with myself, it was much more than that. I didn’t just miss that feeling—I missed him—and the realization makes my head spin and my heart sink.
“What happened to boundaries, Lennon?” Sophie gives me a pointed look.
“Pretty sure they’re non-existent at this point.” I chew my lower lip, thinking about how quickly things have changed. We won’t be able to just fall back into watching Friends and eating dinner together every night. Not after our trip.
They both give me concerned looks.
“Do you want me to be truthful about all this?” I ask them. My heart flutters, knowing I can’t keep this from my sisters. I trust them with my life, and I hate keeping secrets from them. The only thing I have to lose is my heart, though I’m convinced I already have.
They nod and smile as they lean forward, waiting for me to speak.
“I’m scared of falling for Hunter, and opening myself and my heart to him. I’m also afraid of losing him and everything we have right now. Hunter has been my rock, my best friend, and I’m not sure I could really handle him not being in my life if we didn’t work out.” My heart beats erratic as I pour out my truths.
Sophie’s sad eyes meet mine, and Maddie frowns.
“I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you. It’s okay not to make any decisions right now. Time will tell all, Lennon. You’re not over Brandon, you’re concerned about our parents, and you’re hormonal and horny as hell.” Sophie smirks.
I groan, and Sophie grabs my hand, continuing, “Add in your feelings, and it’s a lot for anyone to deal with. He’s your biggest cheerleader and might understand you on a different level than Maddie or I do at this point. I think he’ll give you time if you ask, but you can’t lead him on.”
“I know. I don’t want to be that person at all. The feelings are there, but I have to stop acting on them. An overwhelming amount of guilt streams through me for wanting more or thinking about him in that way. While we were in Utah, I could no longer tell what was real and what wasn’t. I know I said we were acting, but at times, I wondered if he really was…” I trail off, then shake my head because I can’t allow myself to think of the possibilities. “I would never, ever intentionally hurt him,” I say, though I’m afraid it’s too late for that.
“We know,” Maddie says. “Hunter knows that too. You’re in a vulnerable place at the moment.”
As the conversation comes to an end, the three of us get up and make our way to the parking lot. Maddie hitched a ride with Sophie so she didn’t have to Uber or take the bus. I give Maddie a hug and tell her to keep me updated on her shows and rehearsals. I love hearing about them and can’t wait to watch her perform soon.
Sophie pulls me in for a hug next and then pushes us apart slightly. “Be careful, Lennon. I know you’re in a sensitive situation right now, and you two just went through some shit together in Utah, but I don’t want you getting hurt again.”
“Trust me, I don’t either,” I tell her honestly. “Hunter will always be Brandon’s best friend, and even though Mom and Dad bought the story doesn’t mean it could ever be real life. But this side of Hunter...it’s really hard not to like him.”
“I’m glad he’s there for you as a friend, Lennon. I just hope he’s being sincere and won’t suddenly change his mind about wanting a roommate with a baby or something.”
“It’s my biggest fear, Soph. Especially after Jenna. One day, he’s going to move on with his life, and when that time comes, I won’t stand in the way. He deserves to be happy.”
A tear escapes, and I quickly brush it away, but not before Sophie sees it. She tilts her head and looks at me. “You can text or call me anytime. You know that, right?”
I wrap my arms around her again. “Of course, I do. And the same goes for you too.”
After I go to my car, I crank it and wait until Sophie and Maddie drive away. I lose track of time as my eyes fill with water and tears stream down my cheeks. Admitting my feelings and actually saying them aloud have my emotions tightly twisted together, and I’m in knots over it. I blink up at the blue sky and watch the fluffy clouds float across as I suck in a deep breath, then back out of the parking lot.
Needing to clear my head before I head home, I drive around town. Soon, I’m close to the church where Brandon’s funeral was held, and I blame my subconscious for guiding me here. I let out a ragged breath and turn onto the road that leads straight to the cemetery.
My head is in a fog as I think back to that day. It all happened so fast, then too damn slow. Over the past three months, I’ve avoided visiting the burial site because the wound is still too raw. It hurts each time I think about Brandon no longer being here and not getting to meet his baby. Being in the cemetery makes it more than real, but I can’t put it off any longer. I enter the wrought-iron gates and park close to where he’s buried.
My muscles grow tight, and my heart pounds hard in my chest. The guilt from Utah, from how things happened with Hunter, all of it comes to the forefront, taking complete control of my thoughts. I suck in a deep breath to clear my mind and even try thinking about something else.
Knowing it’s not good for the baby, I calm down first, then find a bit of courage to walk across the grass and search for his headstone. At first, I’m not exactly sure where it is and begin to frantically look around. Just as I start to panic, I see it. The grass has barely begun to grow over the dirt, but I move closer. As I read his name and birthday and death date carved into the black stone, I nearly fall to my knees.
Walking forward, I steady myself and kneel, knowing my legs will give out at any moment. The memories of the funeral are still hard to think about. Bending down, I support myself and wrap a hand around my belly, then run my fingers across the photograph his parents had forever encased.
“I’m so sorry,” I croak out, the sobs quickly taking over. Betrayal nearly chokes me while the guilt strangles me. Memories of Brandon and I together come in quick flashes, but then they’re followed by Hunter and me in Utah.
“I’m so confused, but I do know one thing for certain, and that’s how much I miss you,” I say aloud. Staring at his picture, I wish he could hear me and comfort me the way he always did when I was upset.
“I’ll never stop loving you, Brandon. No matter what. You’ll always be the man who has a piece of my heart. Always. And you left me with the best gift I could ever ask for. We’re having a baby. At first, it was hard to come to terms with that, but now I couldn’t be more excited. He or she is going to know all about you, about us, about their kind-hearted, selfless daddy who loved me until his dying day.” I swallow, wiping my face. The light breeze brushes across my skin, causing goose bumps to form. It’s almost as if he heard me, and he’s happy about the pregnancy. “I’m trying to learn to be myself again, to be happy, because I know that’s what you’d ultimately want. I’m going to make it through this pain, aren’t I?”
I sit on the ground, cross my legs, and listen to the wind travel through the trees as I pour it all out into the open, needing him to know it all. “I’ve asked myself why I wasn’t on the back of that bike with you. If you wouldn’t have dropped me off at Sophie’s and if any of this would’ve happened. The
survivor’s guilt consumes me, but I like to think it’s because I was pregnant. That our little angel was the reason I’m still here.” I place my hand on my belly, allowing it to rest there, wanting to protect her from it all. It’s the first time I’ve allowed myself to even admit that. I give myself permission to process my admissions as I close my eyes and take in slow, deep breaths as my thoughts travel.
I let out a stifled chuckle. “Hunter and I are getting along like you always wanted. The irony, right? I’m scared of the feelings starting to form. It feels way too soon, and I wonder if my heart is just confused because it’s trying to replace the ones I had for you. I don’t ever want to forget you, and I can’t even begin to think about being with someone else, but you’ll be glad to know Hunter has been here for me and the baby. He’s as protective as I know you’d be. Our friendship developed through dealing with the heartache of losing you, and it confuses me. I worry these mixed feelings are because I’m so damn lonely, and I haven’t had enough time to fully process you being gone. They say you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself, but what if you’re still in love with someone who is no longer here? Will I ever be able to love again after losing you? It feels wrong to.”
My heart beats in my ears. He’s always known all my secrets, and now he knows these too. “I know I need more time to heal. I’m so fucking broken and lost, but I know the baby needs me to be strong, and I want to be for him or her. They’re gonna need me more than ever since I’ll be alone.” The reality of those words hit me like a ton of bricks. Just as I wipe the tears from my cheeks, I look up and see a songbird land on the black stone. It looks at me, and a small smile hits my lips. It’s as if Brandon sent a sign, letting me know he still hears me and everything will work out.
“I will always love you, Brandon.” My breath hitches. “God, I miss you more than you could ever know.” The tears hit my cheeks, and the bird flies away. I watch it disappear into a nearby tree and sigh. By the time I stand, my head has cleared slightly, and I know what I have to do going forward. I have to give myself time.