Vonda was eager to answer on her mother’s behalf. “She stepped on a rock, and her foot hurts.”
Graham didn’t for a moment believe it. Deciding ’twas simply the many days of traveling combined with the events of earlier, he said nothing. Silently, however, he wished he had paid more attention to his mother and sisters while growing up. Mayhap, if he had, he wouldn’t find Leelah’s tears so baffling.
They feasted like kings on roast rabbit, wild lettuce, cheese, and bannocks. With full and happy stomachs, the children went to bed without any argument. ’Twas as peaceful an evening as Graham could remember having since childhood.
Leelah hadn’t said much all evening. But every now and again, she would glance at Graham with the most peculiar of expressions. As soon as she saw him looking at her, she’d turn away and swipe at her cheeks.
For the life of him, he did not know what the tears were about. He wasn’t certain he wanted to know.
With the children settled, Leelah returned to sit by the fire. Graham had a sneaking suspicion she had something on her mind, something she wanted to say but was struggling hard to say it.
“We should arrive in Willowbrook on the morrow,” he said. “We can replenish our food supplies.”
Leelah nodded but otherwise remained quiet.
“I have enough coin left, we could get ye and the beasties a room at an inn. Get a hot bath and a good meal? How does that sound?”
Another nod and more silence.
Letting out a heavy breath, Graham asked, “Lass, have I done somethin’ to upset ye?”
She replied with a rapid shake of her head. He noticed she was holding her breath, fighting back tears. “What be the matter?”
Leelah was unable to hold back the tears any longer. “Ye washed nappies!” she exclaimed on a sob.
Nappies? She was crying over nappies? “If I did it wrong, I be sorry, but it be no reason to cry,” he said as he pulled her to his chest. “Ye can teach me proper on the morrow.”
Leelah pulled away with wide eyes and mouth agape. “Ye want to learn how to wash nappies?” She was incredulous.
Graham couldn’t understand her astonishment. “Well, aye. If I be doin’ it wrong to the point ye be cryin’…” He meant only to make her feel better. Instead, she wept more intensely.
“Lass, please, dunnae cry,” he pleaded with her. “They are just nappies.”
“Nay, it be far more than nappies,” she cried.
Lost. He was utterly lost, and his expression must have said as much.
“Ye dunnae understand, Graham. Ye just dunnae understand!”
“Then please explain it to me,” he said as he took her cheeks into his hands and gently wiped away her tears with the pads of his thumbs.
“’Tis the fact ye did it,” she said, closing her eyes. “Ye washed the nappies. Ye also watched me children and cooked dinner.”
Still confused, he said, “Did I do it all wrong then? Be that why ye’re cryin’?”
“Nay, ye daft man!” she replied. “Wrong or right, it matters not. Ye did them. Without me askin’.”
“I must be as dense as a rock, lass, for I fear I still dunnae understand.”
Leelah took in a deep, steadying breath. “Me husband John, he was a good man, ye ken. He was a good provider and verra kind. But nae once in all the time we were married did he ever do any of the things ye did today. Nae once. Nae even after I birthed his children. I was up and about the next day takin’ care of everyone.”
Graham couldn’t reconcile how a verra kind man would allow his wife to be up and about a day after giving birth. To his way of thinking, helping Leelah just seemed normal. “Me da helped me mum all the time,” he told her. “And he would nae let her out of bed for weeks after givin’ birth. I thought this was what all men did.”
The tears were back, and she collapsed against his chest. “Nae, Graham, nae all men do those things.”
They fell silent for a long while. Save for the occasional sob from Leelah and the soft crackling of the fire, the night was calm and still.
“It means the world to me, Graham, that ye would do those things,” she whispered. “I thank ye.”
There was no way he could ever understand the depths of Leelah’s gratitude. While these kind deeds were just simple tasks to him, they meant the world to her.
Everything that happened this day changed how she thought of Graham. While she had witnessed the kinder side of him, she’d also seen the mean-spirited drunk he could be. But now? Now she firmly believed he was redeemable. If he wanted to change and give up his drunken ways, he could.
The only question that remained was did he want to?
“Mum, why were you kissin’ Graham?” Vonda asked on a yawn.
Leelah froze in place. She and Vonda were inside the tent, folding up the furs and blankets. How on earth had she seen them? Refusing to let panic settle in, she remained quiet as she continued to pack up the tent.
Leelah’s first inclination was to ignore the question all together. But Vonda was having none of it. With the passion that only a six-year-old child can possess when truly curious about something, she asked the question again. “Mum? Why were ye kissin’ Graham?”
Leelah blew out a quick breath. Mayhap she should simply lie and try to convince her daughter she hadn’t seen what she had in fact truly seen. She and Graham had shared a kiss last night. A wonderful, thrilling, knee-knocking kiss.
She knew Vonda was far too smart and would see through any lies. “Sometimes, when adults are happy, they give one another a kiss.”
Vonda scratched the end of her nose as she contemplated the answer. Leelah prayed silently the child would forget and move on to something else to discuss. She also prayed she hadn’t mentioned the kiss to Graham. “Come, let us nae tarry.”
Jamie was waiting for them just outside the tent. Graham was tossing John into the air playfully, thoroughly enjoying listening to his happy squeals. Leelah breathed a sigh of relief. She was quite certain that if Vonda had asked Graham about the kiss, he’d be in a fit of panic.
“Ye kissed Graham?” Jamie asked, with his brow furrowed.
Leelah closed her eyes and began sending prayers up in rapid succession, like arrows in the midst of war.
Graham almost dropped John.
The entire world seemed to stand still.
Leelah and Graham could not pull their gazes away from one another. Each of them silently wishing only two things: one, that the children would quit talking about the matter and two, that they could know what the other was thinking.
“When adults are happy, they kiss each other,” Vonda said, as if she were explaining things to a four-year-old.
“Da used to say if ye kissed a girl, ye had to marry her,” Jamie replied.
Vonda tugged on Leelah’s skirts. “Is that true, Mum?”
“Is what true?” Leelah asked. She was still staring at Graham. Aye, he had the look of a man on the verge of panic. Like a roe deer just discovering it’s being hunted.
Vonda sighed. “What Jamie said? Is it true?”
Giving a slight shake of her head, Leelah asked, “What did Jamie say?”
“Da told him that if he kissed a girl, he had to marry her. Is that true? What if a boy kisses me and I dunnae want him to? Do I still have to marry him?”
Leelah couldn’t begin to answer just yet.
“Did ye kiss da before ye married him?” Vonda asked. “Is that why ye married him?”
Aye, she had done far more than just kiss John before they married, but that was neither here nor there. Leelah felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment.
Ignoring the latter question, Leelah said, “That is nae true. Ye dunnae have to marry a person just because ye kissed them.”
Jamie wasn’t certain if she was correct, so he turned to Graham. “I dunnae think ye should be kissin’ me mum, unless ye plan on marryin’ her.”
Graham couldn’t speak. His voice was quite firmly lodged in his throat.
“Dunnae be stupid, Jamie. They’re already married, remember?”
Jamie paused, recollected the wedding ceremony that he’d witnessed, then slapped a hand against his forehead. “Och! I forgot!”
Vonda smiled victoriously, as if she was the smartest person in the vicinity.
“Ye can kiss her then,” Jamie told Graham with a nod of approval. “Seein’ how ye’re already married. Do I call ye Da, now? Or just Graham?”
“I want to call him Da,” Vonda said. “Or Papa.”
Leelah’s stomach twisted into a knot. Not because of what the children were saying, but because of Graham’s response. He was still frozen in place, his eyes filled with sheer, unadulterated panic.
“Wheesht, now,” Leelah admonished her children. “We must be on our way soon.”
Apparently no longer interested in kisses or marriage, the children began to roll up the blankets.
Leelah waited for Graham to say something. Apparently, the topic had stunned him into muteness. Moments passed before he turned on his heels and headed for the horses.
“Graham?”
He was standing between two of the horses, his head hung low, mumbling to himself.
“Graham?” When he did not answer, she ducked under the rope. “Are ye well?”
His silence began to worry her. “I did nae ken Vonda had seen us. I thought the children were sleeping.”
Closing his eyes, he slowly shook his head. “I should nae have kissed ye,” he whispered harshly.
His frustration was clearly evident and, truth be told, Leelah found it rather irksome. “I kissed ye.”
“It matters nae who kissed whom. It should never have happened.”
His words stung, but she refused to allow him to see her pain. “Why nae?” she asked.
“Because I dunnae want ye to think it meant more than it did,” he said gruffly. He was still unable to look her in the eye.
That hurt as well. “What is wrong with the kiss meanin’ somethin’?”
He growled in frustration. “Because it cannae,” he replied. “It just cannae mean anythin’ to either one of us, Leelah.”
When he finally looked at her, she saw it. Fear. He was afraid, but of what, she didn’t know. “It meant somethin’ to me,” she told him honestly.
He threw his hands in the air and shook his head. Turning his back to her, he said, “Therein lies the problem.”
She waited patiently for what seemed like an eternity for him to explain.
“As soon as we get ye to yer clan, I will be askin’ for an annulment.”
God’s teeth, he did not want to hurt her. But there was naught to be done about it. The words were out, and he couldn’t take them back. He had to have the annulment. Not for his own sake, but for Leelah’s. It mattered not that he wanted her with every fiber of his being. It mattered not that he loved her. None of that mattered.
“Verra well,” she whispered. “Ye shall have it.”
With his eyes closed, he listened to her walk away. His heart cracked a little more with each step she took.
He wanted her, wanted the kind of life with her he knew was possible; however, he knew he didn’t deserve it. Besides, how long before his yearnings to see the world kicked in? How long before he grew bored and restless, with the need to drink and gamble his life away? He couldn’t do that to her or her children.
’Tis for the best, he tried telling himself. She deserves more than ye could ever give her. So do her children.
If that were true, then why did it hurt so intensely?
“I cannae wait to meet me grandminny,” Vonda declared. “And me grandsire and the rest of me family.”
They were three days from the Hay keep and a scant two days from Keith lands. Graham didn’t possess anywhere near the enthusiasm the children were displaying. The closer they got to his homelands, the more quiet and introspective he became.
Leelah had barely said two words to him these past days. He couldn’t rightly blame her, for he had hurt her with his demand for an annulment.
The keep where Graham grew up sat on the northeastern coast of Scotia. Surrounding them were the Gordans to their west, the Frasers and Hays to their north. The only way to get to the Hay keep was to cross over Fraser land, then onto Keith’s.
“What is yer grandminny like?” Vonda asked him. “Does she make ye sweet cakes?”
Both of Graham’s grandminnies were long dead. Thinking of them made him think of the rest of his family and brought an ache to his chest.
A heavy sense of shame filled his heart. He’d been gone for so many years; he hadn’t kept up with news of his family or clan other than what he heard in his travels. The last letter he received had been from his mother, and that was over nine years ago. ’Twas a letter he kept tucked away in his satchel. The news within had been unbearable and the turning point in his life that lead to his many years of drinking.
“Graham,” Vonda said, growing frustrated with his silence. “Are ye nae listenin’?”
“Me grandminnies are both gone,” he finally replied. “But aye, they did make sweet cakes.”
Satisfied with his answer, she changed the topic. But Graham paid very little attention to her. His mind was on his past as well as his future. The two were inextricable. The past had set him on his current course. His future was bleak because of his past.
They travelled for the next hour in silence, passing by little farmhouses and through small glens. Thankfully the terrain became flatter, easier to traverse. But he knew that wouldn’t last long. Hills and mountains lay ahead.
Graham could have picked up their pace, but instead, he slowed down. He would do anything he could to delay his arrival on Keith lands.
His father kept his borders well patrolled. Graham knew it would take an act of God’s divine intervention to cross unseen by his father’s soldiers. He wondered how his family would respond to his presence. Would they be glad to see him? He seriously doubted it. They would rather see the devil himself than ye comin’ across their lands.
Leelah was quite certain she was in love with Graham Keith. But why she should be was a monumental mystery.
At first, when he had asked for the annulment, she’d been terribly hurt. So much so that she wanted to wring his neck until his eyes popped out of his stubborn, thick skull.
However, after a good deal of time passed, she began to realize he simply couldn’t help himself. He was a wretch. A cur. A selfish lout who did not possess a heart.
But after thinking on it for longer still, she came to the conclusion that mayhap he wasn’t such a wretch, cur, or lout. He was simply afraid.
What he feared was just as much a mystery as why she had fallen in love with him in the first place. In her twenty-five plus years on God’s earth, she had learned that when men were afraid, they often said or did things that didn’t make a lick of sense. Graham was no different.
After another long day of riding, they made camp at the base of a mountain, close to the Falls of Bruar. ’Twas Vonda who happily pointed out that they were finally dining on the fish Graham had been so keen on a week before.
With everyone sufficiently fed and exhausted, Vonda put the children to bed. Since Graham declared his desire for an annulment, Leelah had been going to bed with the children. But not tonight. She was going to say her piece, give him the words from her heart, and let fate take hold of everything else.
Graham sat by the low burning fire, watching the small flames flicker in the evening breeze. Nearby, he could hear the night creatures scurrying in the underbrush whilst bugs chirped, and frogs sang to one another.
They were one day closer to Keith lands. Lands he had loved at one point in his life. But now? He didn’t hate them. Nay, he still possessed a love for the place he’d grown up. However, after everything that had transpired then and over the years, he was simply ashamed. Ashamed of himself for leaving home, for leaving Deirdre, for behaving like a spoilt, petulant child. But most of all, he felt guil
ty for having unwittingly shirked his duty, which ended up costing Deirdre her life.
“I need to speak with ye,” Leelah said as she sat down beside him.
He gave an inward shake of his head. “Go to sleep, lass.”
“Nay,” she replied firmly. “We need to talk.”
Whenever a woman says ‘we need to talk’ what she truly means is ‘I am bloody well angry with ye and ye are goin’ to listen to me tell ye why. “I am tired.”
He heard her take in a deep breath, undoubtedly fortifying her resolve for the tongue-lashing he knew she was about to give him.
“I love ye, Graham Keith.”
’Twasn’t what he was expecting. Not at all. Startled, he froze in place, words escaping him.
“I’m glad I kissed ye,” she said.
She was not yelling, ranting, or raving. Where was the tongue-lashing? The expressions of disappointment and anger? Where was the bitterness? It certainly wasn’t in her tone or her eyes. Those big, brilliant blue eyes were filled with nothing but love.
Love he most assuredly did not deserve.
“I did nae ask ye to kiss me,” he said. “Nor did I ask ye to love me.”
Leelah smiled warmly. “That is why it be so special.”
The woman was daft.
“I dunnae ken why ye are so opposed to love, Graham. Mayhap it frightens ye or worries ye. Mayhap ye have no desire to settle down and make a home.” She gave a quick shrug of her shoulders before going on. “No matter yer reasons, it does nae change the fact that I have fallen in love with ye.”
He swallowed hard, awash in uncertainty.
“Ye be a good man, Graham Keith. No matter what opinion of yourself ye might possess, I ken the truth. Ye are a good man and me opinion of ye will never change.” Giving him another glance, she continued to smile. “Ye do nae have to love me back. But whatever happens when we reach Clan Hay, remember this always: I love ye. With all me heart.”
With Love from the Highlands : A Highlander Love Story Duet, One Page 24