millisecond. 'I think we can arrange that.'
'I would hope so,' Anyx replied. 'But that's not all. I currently find myself homeless and somewhat financially embarrassed. Therefore I also require a huge pile of cash.'
Robin laughed. 'But we don't have any money,' he protested.
'Hang on, you're outlaws and yet you don't have any cash?' the dwarf asked disbelievingly.
'Well, not much,' Robin admitted. 'Enough to get by, you know.'
'How much?'
'Hardly anything at all'
'And how much exactly is that?
'A bit.'
Anyx sighed 'Okay,' he said resignedly. 'I guess I'll just have to settle for not ever being bothered again, and a pitifully small pile of cash, won't I?
'Excellent,' said Robin. He wandered across to sit next to Anyx. 'So, what's your plan?' he asked, after a small pause.
Anyx scanned the expectant faces of the Merrie Men.
'Well-' he began.
'Yes?'
'Well... we could always, um, infiltrate the castle dressed as a, you know, a... washer woman-'
There came a collective groan. 'We've tried it already. It failed horribly.' Robin said.
'Ok then,' Anyx continued quickly, 'we infiltrate the castle dressed as lepers. You know, hooded cowls, bells, the whole works... Hardly ever fails.'
'Well, it did this time.'
'Ah-,' said the dwarf, absent-mindedly rubbing the side of his rather ripe and ruddy nose. 'Well, perhaps in that case we'll... infiltrate the castle dressed as-'
'-Peddlers?' asked Will. There was more than a hint of scepticism in that particular outlaw's face, the dwarf noted, but he chose to ignore it and instead grasp the lifeline Will had thrown him.
'Peddlers,' he agreed. 'Yes. Very good. Peddlers! Cracking idea!'
'No go, I'm afraid, old chap.' said Robin quietly.
'Didn't work?' asked the dwarf, already knowing the answer.
'Didn't work,' Will confirmed, with what Anyx considered to be a certain amount of smug satisfaction.
Anyx nodded sagely and took another suck on the disgusting pipe, causing everyone to wince at the slurping noise it made.
'Yes, the old 'infiltrate the castle dressed as...' plan very rarely works,' said the dwarf, in what he hoped would come across as a wise manner, 'but I'm glad to see you gave it a go - it's important to keep up the old traditions.' He scratched at his straggly, tobacco-stained beard. 'Okay,' he said after a short pause, 'we'll have to revert to plan b.'
'You have a plan b?' asked Will doubtfully.
The cynicism in Will's voice only confirmed the dwarf's suspicions.
'Of course I have a plan b,' Anyx declared with as much confidence as he could muster. 'You've always got to have a plan b 'cos plan a's very often don't work. Your typical plan b is nearly always more successful than your bog standard plan a. And as for a plan c - almost guaranteed to succeed!'
'Could we not go directly to plan c then?' asked Will. Anyx had the sneaking suspicion that this Will character was not only a cynic, but also maybe more than a little intelligent, a trait that the dwarf deeply distrusted. What was for sure was that this guy certainly wasn't quite as stupid as he looked - though he would have to be very stupid indeed if he was as stupid as he looked, given the red tights and all.
'Of course you can't go direct to plan c,' Anyx sniffed contemptuously, in a slightly desperate attempt to take the intellectual high ground. 'If you go direct to plan c without trying plan b - well plan c isn't really a plan c but a plan b in disguise.'
'Is it?' asked Robin, struggling to keep up.
Anyx nodded. 'Without a doubt.'
'Well, if you say so. So what is plan b?'
'Ah,' said the dwarf. 'Plan b is... well, your actual plan b, in these circumstances obviously doesn't involve dressing up as anybody. In fact, in a situation like this where, um, it seems to me, um, according to you at least, that someone, or something, ha-ha, has got something you want-'
'Yes?'
'Well-' Anyx replied, desperately trying to think on his feet, which is quite difficult when you're sat down, only his mind lacked lubrication. He was dying for a drink; that was something he definitely wanted. And then the thought struck him. When someone has got something you want, like a drink for example, then, well, you have to give the someone with the thing you want something that that someone wants, like the cost of a pint, for example. On those rare occasions you actually possess the cost of a pint, that is...
'-you have to give that someone something that someone wants.'
There was silence for a moment as everyone tried to work it out. Then it clicked.
'Fantastic!' Will exclaimed. 'We don't need to smuggle you inside the prison in order to talk to Azif-'
'Thank the Gods!' Anyx agreed.
'-No, we'll simply swap you for Azif! Job done!'
'What!' cried the dwarf, nearly swallowing his pipe. He jumped to his feet. 'Where did you get that idea from?'
'Well,' Will explained, 'following the goings on at the Griffin no doubt you are now a wanted man.'
'Dwarf!'
'Wanted dwarf,' Will agreed. 'Grantt wants you, and we want Azif.'
'Wait!' cried the dwarf. 'That's not what I meant. And anyway-'
'Yes?' asked Robin.
The dwarf waved his arms. 'Look, I'm not valuable enough for Grantt to consider swapping me for one of the Merrie Men,' he reasoned. He had to convince this bunch of crazies that there was another way. He forced himself to sit back down again. 'What we need to do,' he reflected, 'is to find something which is precious to Grantt and when we find out what such a something is, we steal it if necessary, and then use it as a bargaining chip.'
Robin shook his head. 'Grant's a homicidal psychopath. What could possibly be precious to him? The only thing he treasures is extreme violence.'
Anyx shook his head. 'Hey, I know people, whatever species they may be, and everybody has something they treasure or desire. All we need to do is find out what it is in Grantt's case.'
'But he doesn't even wear clothes,' Will pointed out.
'Will's right,' said Robin. 'It's said that he even stays in a spare cell when he hasn't filled them all, and if they are full he sleeps outside. He doesn't even have a weapon apart from a bloody great club made from an old oak tree.'
'I was wondering about the club,' said Anyx. 'What's with the yellow ribbon tied around it?'
'It's a lady's favour. It was given to him by the Maid A'Veil,'
Robin replied distractedly.
Puzzled, Anyx looked over at the young maiden, who returned his look. 'But why on Terra Infirma would the Maid give Grantt a favour?' the dwarf asked slowly.
'What? Oh, because she's Grantt's adoptive daughter,' Robin replied casually.
'What?'
'It's true,' the Maid A'Veil confirmed, coming to her feet.
'But how?'
'It's a long story, but suffice it to say that Captain Grantt is, indeed, my father.'
Anyx shook his head. There was simply no scenario he could imagine by which the young woman in front of him could be in any way attached to the homicidal brute that was Grantt, but it would appear no explanation was forthcoming. 'Very well,' the dwarf said. 'In that case-'
'I've had a thought,' said Robin, interrupting.
Ah, thought Anyx, the penny must have finally dropped.
'Why don't we simply,' Robin continued slowly, a guileless grin beginning to appear on his face, 'ask A'Veil if she knows of anything that's precious to Grantt.'
Anyx groaned. 'You lot really are four flagons short of a piss-up. Look, we already know of something that is precious to Grantt, don't we?'
'Do we?' asked Robin. 'What?'
'The Maid A'Veil herself, you... twit!'
'But... oh yes, I see. You're right. But... but no, we can't use the Maid A'Veil. If Grantt ever found out that she sympathised with us-'
'He doesn't need to know,' Anyx explained. 'You merely claim to have kidnap
ped her and if he wants her back, then you demand the release of Azif in return. Voila!'
'A bowed stringed instrument?' asked Will. 'What's that got to do with anything?'
'Not viola. Voila! It means there you have it.'
'So why didn't you say that, then? Instead of talking funny-'
'I'm not sure,' said Robin, ignoring Will and Anyx's bickering. 'It sounds risky-'
Anyx continued to stare at Will for a moment or two, before turning back to Robin. 'It's a bloody brilliant idea, even if I do say so myself!'
'I don't like it.'
'Look, you just need to send somebody to negotiate with Grantt... why are you looking at me like that?'
'Well, this is your idea-' said Robin, suddenly warming to the notion.
'Oh no,' cried Anyx, 'No way. I'll never be able to return to Marasmus ever again. That is, of course, if I somehow manage to get away again a second time.'
'There is a way you could all go back to Marasmus eventually,' said a new voice. 'Would you like to know how?'
26
Later Anyx thought to himself that he'd never seen anyone move as fast. It had all happened in a blur, literally.
On hearing the strange voice Robin had jumped to his feet, his sword appearing in his hand as if by magic, and in a flash its point was pricking at the throat of a man who had initially been at least 15 yards away. All of a sudden gone was Robin, the foppish fool, and in his place was, well, a fearsome warrior. I bloody well knew it, the dwarf had thought. No-one could really be quite as pompously priggish as Robin had contrived to appear. And, it was apparent, there was more to these Merrie Men than Anyx had first suspected. Within seconds, each of them, including A'Veil, had an arrow on the string of their bow, ready to shoot.
The man whose throat was being threatened by Robin's blade had immediately thrown his hands up. 'Please,' he had managed to say, 'we're here to help.'
Robin had remained totally still for a few seconds whilst deliberating, and then he had seemed to make up his mind. He lowered his blade and signalled to the others to lower their bows. 'We?' he had eventually demanded of the stranger. And with this they were all astonished to see an elephant, accompanied by what looked like a walking pile of rags, stride purposefully into the clearing.
Now, a short while later, Anyx was seated upon an upturned log, casually surveying the scene before him; the elephant was gently scratching herself against the trunk of the great elm, whilst the pile of rags and the man were stood facing Robin's questions.
'Firstly,' stated Robin in a new voice which very much demanded respect, Anyx noted, 'you will tell us who you are.'
'And how did you bloody well find us?' Will added. 'This is a secret lair, known only to a select few, supposedly.'
'Annabel here has a fantastic sense of smell,' said the man, gesturing towards the elephant. 'Oh, and the small pieces of ribbon tied from tree to tree certainly helped.'
Robin cursed. If they took the ribbon down Ron'd never be able to find the hideaway, but it didn't exactly make for a secure site.
'My name is Dr. Dosodall,' the man continued, 'and this is my associate, Annabel.' The doctor turned towards the pile of rags. 'And this gentleman is Mr. Leonardo De Matitis.'
'Call me Lenny,' the leper offered. He took a step forwards to make a bow. Robin and Will both took a step back. Lenny pretended not to notice. 'Less formal, I think,' he continued.
'Indeed,' agreed Dr Dosodall, stifling a yawn. 'Much less formal, as you say. Anyway, gentlemen, and my lady...' - he bowed towards the Maid A'Veil - '...you will be wondering why we are here.'
Robin waved his hand, inviting the doctor to continue.
'Annabel is a medium,' Dosodall started to explain. 'It so happens that I can talk to animals and recently a spirit has been coming through, asking for our help. Now, with the assistance of Lenny here, our trail has led us here, to you, the, um, Merrie Men.'
'And what do you want with us?' asked Robin, suspiciously.
Before the doctor could reply the dwarf rose to his feet. 'Hang on a minute,' he said, 'Robin, as Will pointed out, you and your buddies here are supposed to be a secret society, remember? Should you not be a little more concerned that you've been unearthed so
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