circular pathway which is intersected by various waypoints. At each of the waypoints you will encounter one of my Cherubim. It is the responsibility of each Cherub to ask one of you to step forward to answer a question. You may not confer, so I would advise you choose who answers which question wisely. Should you answer correctly the Cherub will present to you a precious coloured stone - a piece of Pi.' He stepped towards Robin and from his robes produced a circular vessel, which he handed to the outlaw. 'Simply return to me with 6 pieces of Pi and I will be obliged to answer your question.'
'And if we don't know the answer to any of these questions?' asked Anyx.
'Then I cannot answer your question,' replied the Oracle simply.
'And it must be 6 pieces?' asked Robin.
The Oracle nodded. 'You must return to me with 6 pieces of Pi within the vessel I have just given you. That is the Lore, and it cannot be broken.' He looked at the Merrie Men for a brief moment as if deliberating upon something. 'However,' he said eventually, 'There is nothing within the Lore to say you have to start with an empty vessel,' he explained with a sparkle in his eye. 'I know of your quest and it is an honourable one. Therefore I present you with a small gift of my own.'
Suddenly, in the vessel, there appeared three pieces of Pi, green, pink and blue. 'I cannot offer you any further assistance,' the Oracle continued, 'other than to tell you that within the forest there resides a woodland sprite who, if he wishes, might aid you. If he chooses to assist he will offer you clues, suggestions, intimations, tips, but, be warned, he will not directly give you the answer.'
Robin nodded his thanks.
'But beware also,' warned the Oracle, 'Herne the Hinter may lead you in entirely the wrong direction, for he is a sprite and sprites by their very nature are capricious and mischievous.'
'And how will we find this sprite?' asked Anyx.
'If he chooses to assist you then Herne will find you. Now go and undertake this pursuit, and may fortune go with you.'
114
''Ello dearie,' said Madame Joy. 'You look like a discerning gentleman, the top hat really suits you. And the tails. Oh... tail, I meant.'
Theodore bowed to the Madame. 'I'm looking for a group-'
'Ooh,' squealed Madame Joy delightfully. 'You are a kinky one, dearie. We haven't had an orgy here for ages. It'll right cheer the girls up, that's for sure.'
'Madame,' Theo replied, slightly bewildered, 'the group I seek is consisted solely of men.'
'Oh,' said Madame Joy. Her face dropped. 'The girls will be disappointed. But, if your tastes run that way I'm afraid an orgy is out of the question. We only have Nigel, you see, and although he's very enthusiastic, well, there's only one of him.'
Theo frowned. 'Um, I think we may be talking at cross purposes.'
'Oh, not again,' Madame Joy sighed. 'This is the second time today this has happened. You'll be wanting Old Horse Gorse, dearie, just like the other lot, I suppose?'
'The other lot?'
'Didn't get their names, dearie, but one of them, small bugger he was, said he was looking for a robin and an elephant, I think it was. Anyway, they were in the wrong gorse too. You'll find Old Horse Gorse that-away.'
'Thank you Madame, you've been most helpful.'
'Anytime, dearie. Anytime at all.'
115
Robin led the Merrie Men back into the forest, retracing their steps and heading for the tracks they had previously intercepted. Presently they were stood upon the trail.
'Which way, do you think?' asked Robin.
'I'm not sure it matters,' replied Anyx. 'The Oracle said the trail was circular.'
'This way, I think,' said A'Veil, pointing clockwise. 'I don't know why but it feels right, somehow.' And so they all set off with Robin and the Maid leading the way.
After a short while Will, bringing up the rear, hushed them. 'There's something following us,' he whispered.
'Are you sure?' whispered Robin in reply.
'Well, whatever it is, it keeps tapping me on the backside, so I'm pretty sure.'
They all turned to be confronted by a figure half the size of the dwarf, very slight with skin the texture of bark and hair looking very much bracken.
'Hello,' it said in a high-pitched voice.
'Hello,' replied Robin, looking the diminutive creature up and down. On its head it was wearing some sort of hat that seemed to be made from antlers, and which were half as big again as the creature itself. 'Would I be right in thinking that you're Herne the Hinter?' Robin asked.
The creature was struggling to adjust his antler hat which was in danger of falling off. 'I very well may be!' he said eventually.
'I'm sorry?'
'You're very warm,' said Possibly Herne. 'In fact you're incredibly warm.'
'Oh I get it,' interrupted Anyx, stepping forward. 'If you are Herne the Hinter you can't answer us directly, isn't that right?' he said, turning to the sprite.
'Your hypothesis may, indeed, contain an element of truth,' replied Possibly Herne, who was fighting to remain upright, due to the weight of the antlers.
'Um, why don't you take those things off?' asked A'Veil gently.
The sprite immediately looked affronted. 'Because these antlers are a symbol of my position,' he declared proudly. 'Without these antlers I am no longer Herne the Hinter, I am merely an insignificant forest sprite.'
'Er, wasn't that a direct answer?' asked Anyx.
The sprite looked abashed. 'Um, maybe...' he said, discomfited. 'Bugger!'
Robin looked around his Merrie Men, all of whom seemed to be as mystified at the sprite as he was himself. He shrugged. 'Come on, we're wasting time,' he said. 'Let's go and find the first waypoint.'
116
They came upon the waypoint only minutes later. Standing in a small clearing, close to where their path was joined by another, there were two large monoliths, 10 feet high and 6 feet apart with a further monolith laying crosswise on top, creating a doorway which seemed to go from nowhere to nowhere. Underneath there was a stone altar upon which lay a set of what appeared to be tarot cards, although the depictions upon them were unfamiliar. And hovering over the cards there was a chubby angel, its small wings flapping furiously like those of a humming bird. It was wearing a bright orange toga which barely covered it. Rather incongruously it was also brandishing a flaming sword.
The Merrie Men stopped in their tracks, somewhat taken aback by the scene which confronted them.
'Welcome,' the Cherub said after a moment's silence. 'I am obliged to ask you a question concerning the subject of Athleticism and Recreation. Who will come forward and answer?
The outlaws looked around at one another in the vain hope that someone else would volunteer. All eyes eventually settled on the dwarf.
'Don't look at me,' Anyx insisted. 'My only recreation is drinking, and the nearest I get to athletics is walking to and from the pub. Or rather walking to the pub and generally crawling back,' he amended. He took a step backwards, as did most of the others, with the exception of Robin and the Maid A'Veil.
Herne giggled, and re-arranged his antlers.
'Alright,' said Robin after a few moments. 'I guess it's up to me.' He smiled at the Maid, who gently squeezed his hand in encouragement, before striding forward towards the altar.
The Cherub nodded and turned its attention to the cards, studying them as if searching for one in particular.
Robin could feel sweat forming upon his brow, though whether that was from nervousness or the proximity of the flaming sword, he couldn't tell.
Eventually the Cherub chose a single card and looked up. 'Are you ready?' he asked. Robin nodded.
'Very well,' said the Cherub, ceremoniously. He held aloft a small orange stone which looked, to A'Veil at least, like a small piece of amber. 'For a piece of Pi, you must answer correctly the following question: Who scored the winning goal in the 1953 FA Cup Final between Blackpool Football Club and Bolton Wanderers?'
'What?' asked Robin, raising his eyebrows. 'I don't
have a clue what you're talking about.' He turned to the Merrie Men who, as one, shrugged.
'I said,' said the Cherub, seemingly aggrieved, 'who won the-' He hesitated before re-reading the question to himself. 'Oh hang on,' he said after a short pause, 'wrong dimension.' He smiled with embarrassment. 'I'm on secondment, you see. Terribly sorry.' He threw the card down onto the altar and took a moment to choose another one. 'Most people say Matthews,' he muttered to himself, 'or even Mortensen. Always catches them out, that one.' He picked up another card. 'Let me see... ah, here it is.' He cleared his throat. 'Are you ready?' he asked again.
'I'm ready,' replied Robin.
'In that case, for a piece of Pi, who is the current reigning under-21 Marasman Maiden Stakes Archery Champion?'
Robin rolled his eyes. Although a keen archer himself, he'd lost track of competition archery over the years due to their hiding out in the forest. As he struggled to come up with the answer he sensed a movement behind him.
'You're very close to the answer, I can see,' chuckled Herne, almost falling over and impaling Robin with one of his antlers. 'Very close indeed.'
Robin regarded the sprite and a sudden thought occurred to him. He glanced around at the Maid A'Veil, who gave him an almost imperceptible nod.
He turned to the Cherub. 'Well, I would say the Maid A'Veil,' he began. 'I know she won an archery competition recently but-'
'But?' asked the Cherub.
'Well,' said Robin, 'I, um, happen to know that she's not a maiden-'
'Oi!' cried A'Veil.
The Cherub coughed at Robin's lack of tact. 'What is your answer, Robin B'La Clava?'
Robin paused before making his decision. 'The Maid A'Veil,' he answered at last.
The Cherub smiled. 'You are correct,' he announced, and handed the orange stone to Robin. The outlaw leader nodded his thanks as he took possession of the amber piece.
'Place this piece of Pi in the Oracle's vessel and guard it carefully,' the Cherub advised. 'And, um, sorry about that first question-'
Robin stepped backwards to join the Merrie Men, who gathered round him, patting him on his back. All except Will, who, for some reason, was strangely aggrieved.
'Bloody easy one, that,' he muttered.
117
Theodore arrived at Old Horse Gorse only to find it deserted. 'Bugger,' he said, stamping his hoof. Sometimes Theo could be a little too theatrical.
The trail had gone cold. He would have to rely on the damned PDA, after all. He snapped his fingers He didn't have to, of course, but whenever he was annoyed or frustrated he often felt the need to add a bit of drama, even if no-one was watching.
A millisecond later and Theo was back in Hell-O, only to be confronted by a stranger in his office.
'Who are you?' he demanded. 'And where's Henry?'
'Er, not sure. I'm just here to look at your PDA.'
'Right. So you must be Will Doors, then' Theo deduced. The PDA wizard looked like an upside down mop with spectacles, and evidently had a personality to match. Theo forced himself to listen to what the mop was saying.
'...nothing to do with the network, by the way. It's your scryware,' Doors was explaining in a nasal drawl.
I'm really going to regret asking this, Theodore reflected, but what the... hell. 'And what exactly is scryware?'
Doors removed his spectacles in order to polish them. 'Well,' he began, 'in order to scry you really need a flat, reflective surface - a bowl of ink, for example, or possibly a still pool of water. And that's why MirrorsTM has been developed for PDAs.'
'Right,' said Theo, uncomprehendingly. 'So, this mirrors thingy has something to do with scryware?'
Gates shook his head at the devil's ignorance. 'MirrorsTM is your scryware. The problem is that you're on version 1.1 which, to be honest, is practically obsolete. They're up to 4.9 now, and soon they'll be launching 5.0, which, by all accounts, will have the foretelling capability equivalent to 8GB.'[30]
Had he not been where he was Theodore would have looked up to the heavens. 'Can you get,' he said
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