Rude Awakenings

by Jonathan Eaves

slowly, 'the damned thing to work, or not?'

  Doors had the sense to take note of the look on Theo's face. 'If I do a full scan I may not need to re-install... maybe in a couple of hours.'

  Theo nodded. 'Get to it,' he instructed. 'And this is important, so don't let me down. Now where's that fool of a cousin of mine?'

  118

  The Merrie Men soon came upon the second waypoint which in every way was identical to the first, except that the Cherub who hovered lightly over the altar was wearing a brown tunic, as opposed to orange.

  'Welcome,' the Cherub said. 'I am obliged to ask you a question regarding Chronicles and Learning. Who will stand forward?'

  Robin turned to his men. 'Anyone able to read?' he asked.

  Lott, Ron and Grub all looked down at their feet, but Anyx, the doctor and A'Veil all nodded. Annabel gently flapped her ears, but whether that signified whether the elephant could or couldn't read, Robin wasn't sure.

  'And has anyone done any reading lately?' he asked.

  Anyx looked round. It went against his very nature to volunteer for anything but nobody else seemed to be forthcoming. 'Um, I've done a little bit,' he found himself saying.

  'Right then, dwarf, step forward,' Robin instructed 'I've got absolute faith in you,' he added in what he hoped to be an encouraging manner.

  Anyx nodded his appreciation at Robin's words and nervously stepped forward to approach the Cherub. 'Okay,' he said, swallowing hard. 'Ask away.'

  The Cherub reached down to choose a card. His lips moved indiscernibly as he read the question to himself and then he looked up to study the dwarf. The Cherub's eyebrows rose slightly. 'For a piece of Pi,' this time the stone which was held aloft was brown - brown topaz, the Maid guessed - and matched the little angel's toga, 'you must answer correctly the following question: Who wrote what is generally considered to be the seminal account of the trollian conquest of Marasmus, 'Kille the Bastards and Showe noe Mercy'?'

  A worried look crossed the dwarf's face. His reading tastes tended more towards the trashy rather than the factual.

  'Ha,' chuckled Herne. 'You play the pursuit and so does he!'

  'I don't believe it,' muttered Will from behind the dwarf. 'That's so easy! Everyone knows that!'

  'How would you know, minstrel?' Anyx grunted through gritted teeth. 'You've never read a book in your life.' He considered the Hinter's words, then it came to him in a flash.

  'Of course. Captain Grantt-' He hesitated. 'Although I'm amazed that the mad mineral maniac can write-'

  'Then what is your answer?' asked the Cherub, hovering gently.

  Anyx stared up at the angel, hoping maybe to catch a glimpse of the answer on the card, but to no avail. 'I can't think of anything else,' he said.

  'So, Captain Grantt is your final answer?' the Cherub pressed.

  Anyx nodded. 'Yes. Captain Grantt is my answer.'

  The Cherub paused dramatically before giving a small nod. 'Then come forward and receive your Brown piece of Pi.'

  119

  'Just one more piece of Pi,' Robin noted, as they headed towards the next waypoint, 'and we'll have earned our question.'

  Beside him A'Veil nodded. 'But what will the question be?' she asked.

  Robin turned to her. 'I'm not sure,' he said simply. 'Let's concentrate on getting this last stone before we worry about that.

  The Cherub that greeted them at the next waypoint was clad in yellow, and bore a stone of the same colour aloft in his hand. 'Wow, a yellow sapphire,' A'Veil muttered. 'Very nice,' she continued, but Robin studiously ignored the hint.

  'Welcome,' the angel said. 'I am obliged to ask you a question regarding Events of Bygone Days. Who will stand forward?'

  The Maid immediately turned to Robin. 'Days of Yore was my favourite subject at school,' she informed him and confidently stepped forward.

  'Fair enough,' remarked Robin, quietly surprised at the Maid's self-assurance. 'I guess you should take this one, then.'

  A'Veil approached the Cherub and gave a small curtsey. The Cherub smiled. He might be an angel but that didn't mean he couldn't appreciate a beautiful woman. He made a show of choosing a card before asking the Maid to step a little closer. He raised the sapphire in his hand. 'If you are ready?' he asked

  A'Veil nodded.

  'Very well, for your final piece of Pi, name the last member of the Marasman royal family to end up being used to repair a broken tea-cup?'

  'Such a sweet, sweet question!' Herne said, from somewhere down around her knees.

  'You're kidding me!' mumbled Will, digging his elbow into Grub who was standing at his side. 'That's the easiest one yet! Everyone keeps getting easy questions! Ask a bleeding hard one!'

  'Do shut up, Will,' Robin muttered, before turning his attention back to A'Veil.

  The Maid, her head bowed in concentration, was stood absolutely still. Then she raised her chin and smiled. 'The answer, I believe, is Sugarlump I, the last Emperor of Marasmus.'

  The Cherub looked over A'Veil's head towards the Merrie Men, who were all holding their breath, and smiled. He looked back at the Maid. 'You are correct and you have earned the right to put your question to the Oracle,' he informed her happily.

  120

  Feeling immensely pleased with themselves (apart from Will who, for some reason, thought that they'd all somehow cheated), the Merrie Men headed back to the Oracle's cave. On the way they deliberated over which question to ask, but no decision had been made by the time they reached the cave.

  The Oracle stood at their approach and leaned gently on his staff. He motioned for them to come forward.

  'So, you have been successful, I see,' he said, on seeing the vessel now held six pieces of Pi. 'Congratulations. You may now ask your question.'

  'Um, would you excuse us for one moment?' Robin asked. 'we just need a moment for a little, you know, conflab.' He turned to his companions. 'Okay, so we know that each God has a First Word,' he said, summarising the situation as much for himself as for the benefit of anyone else. 'And a place where the Word was first uttered,' he continued. 'We also know that Wacchus's Praise Day is tomorrow, and we think that when belief in a god diminishes then it can be revived by uttering the Word at the correct place on the correct date, right?'

  He was greeted by a chorus of nods and 'Uh-huhs'.

  'Basically,' he continued, doing much more thinking than he usually considered to be healthy, 'it seems to me that it comes down to this: We don't yet know the First Word, nor the place where it was first uttered.' There were more nods of agreement.

  The Oracle coughed gently. 'So what then is your question?'

  Robin turned towards the old man. 'You can only answer one question, right?'

  'That is correct,' the Oracle confirmed.

  Robin scrunched up his eyes with the effort of thought; he really had been using his brain far too much recently. 'Can you just hang on for one moment more?' he asked.

  'Of course,' the Oracle replied softly, bowing his head.

  Robin turned back to the group. This was too big a decision to be made by one person alone. 'So what do we go for?' he asked. 'The Word, or the place?'

  He looked first towards A'Veil, who took a moment to consider the options 'It's got to be the Word,' she said finally. 'Without that there's absolutely nothing we can do.'

  'But we have so little time,' Anyx pointed out. 'We've got to get to the place before sundown tomorrow. Knowing what the Word is doesn't help us if we don't know where we're going. If we at least get there something may come up to help us discover the Word.'

  'Okay then,' Robin said. 'So Anyx, you think we ask for the location, right?'

  'Right,' agreed the dwarf.

  'And A'Veil, you think we ask for the Word, right?'

  The Maid nodded.

  'Very well.' He turned to the others. 'Does anyone have anything further to add?' he asked. 'No? 'In that case,' said Robin, turning to mouth 'sorry' to A'Veil, 'my hunch is to go along with the dwarf.' He stepped forward
s to approach the Oracle.

  'You have your question?' the Oracle asked.

  Robin nodded. 'Can you tell us where Wacchus, God of Mirth and Merriment, was born?' he asked simply.

  The Oracle hesitated only a moment before replying. 'Wacchus was born within The Walking Stones of Gynys Mon,' he informed them.

  'Right, Gynys Mon-' Anyx remarked, trying to remember what little he knew of the place. 'Isn't that the island that's inhabited only by three-legged men and cats with no tails?'

  'I shouldn't really answer that,' replied the Oracle, 'what with the only one question rule and all that, but, hey, everyone deserves a bit of down time.' He slowly lowered himself down onto a rock. 'That's a popular misconception,' he said eventually. 'In fact, it's actually inhabited by men with no tails and cats with three legs.'

  Anyx took a moment to work this out. 'So, what you're saying is, Gynys Mon, contrary to the myth, is actually the home of normal men, that is to say men who don't possess tails, and three-legged cats-'

  'Not exactly,' replied the Oracle. 'After all,' he continued talkatively, 'the vast majority of cats have three legs. And then most have one more.'

  A'Veil took a step forward. 'So, what you're telling us that Gynys Mon is, in fact, inhabited by normal men and normal cats?'

  The Oracle smiled. 'That's correct. Although I do believe that there is one cat, Ellie, I think she's called, who does indeed have just the three legs. Terrible accident involving a scythe, a tall chap in a robe and a bad case of misidentification-'

  'So where did the whole three-legged man and cats with no tails myth come from, then?'

  'Well,' the Oracle replied slowly, 'all I can tell you is that it didn't come from me!'

  121

  In order to reach the island of Gynys Mon it would be necessary to charter a ship and the nearest port was Port Tawny, which lay to the west of Tri Via and back across the mountains, albeit by a more westerly route.

  Without Theodore's influence the weather had cleared so it was decided that the band would once again try to pass over the mountains rather then back through the mines. It was the quickest route, and had the added advantage of avoiding the well-meaning but head-achingly tedious Henry.

  The band took leave of Tri Via immediately with Robin leading and Anyx bringing up the rear. Even with the weather remaining clear it would be at least a three hour march over the western-most pass, and then at least a further five hours to Port Tawny. Anyx glanced up at the afternoon sun and did a quick calculation. They would be lucky to reach the port before midnight, he realised.

  Initially they were able to set a fast pace, but as the light started to fail their progress began to slow. The weather posed no problems but the going underfoot gradually worsened as they trekked higher. The pass became strewn with stones and small rocks and every few moments, it seemed, an ankle was turned or a toe was stubbed. Breathing became harder and tempers became frayed.

  As darkness began to cloak the party the Maid A'Veil moved up to join Robin. 'We need to rest,' she advised quietly.

  'I know,' Robin replied without breaking his stride. 'But we simply can't afford the time.'

  A'Veil shook her head sadly, and turned to look back down the pass, but the night now rendered the rearmost of the group practically invisible. They had to rest. To fail to do so, she realised, could be dangerous. She turned again to Robin to make a further attempt to persuade him to call a halt. 'Just five minutes, Robin,' she pleaded, 'or we're in danger of leaving someone behind. I know that Grub is struggling.'

  Robin continued to concentrate on his footing. 'I know you think me harsh, A'Veil, but-'

  'No buts, Robin! Listen to me. We've been hiking solidly since before sundown.' She grabbed at Robin to stop him. 'Grub is not the only one struggling. The dwarf is too, not that he would admit it. Think about it, Robin. If Anyx is, as we hope, the Awakener, then if he gets left behind it doesn't much matter if we reach Gynys Mon in time, does it?'

  At that moment the Maid stumbled