Undying

by Bernadette Azizi

  From the front doors came two uniformed men. One handled my alarmingly light bag and the other brought in Richard’s bags and packages.

  “Welcome to my home,” Richard said from behind me. I turned to him. He was leaning back on his car with his arms crossed over his chest. “I hope it is to your satisfaction?”

  “May I?” he said as he put out his hand to escort me up the white marble stairs, probably thinking I would fall.

  As we got into the foyer, I couldn’t help but look around at everything. It was all light and pure.

  “I took the liberty of placing you in the room next to mine. Just in case you need anything, I won’t be far away. You are most likely tired. I will show you to your room now if you like.”

  I smiled and followed him up the stairs.

  “After breakfast in the morning, I will give you the grand tour and, if the weather permits, we will go for a ride.”

  “Ok…” I said apprehensively.

  As we got to my room, there was a woman already inside, pulling back my sheets and closing the curtains. On the bed were the bags and packages I had seen the driver bring in from the car.

  “What’s all this?” I asked Richard.

  “Well, please forgive me, I hope I have not overstepped my place. When you made mention that you did not have a coat and a few other items, I had Michael call in on an old friend of mine who owns one of the boutiques in the village. I asked her to get everything a beautiful woman would need to pack for a weekend away.”

  “Richard, I can’t accept all this,” I said, shaking my head.

  Richard seemed frustrated, and I could tell he wanted to come into my room, but he didn’t take a step.

  “You must, unless you are planning to side-saddle tomorrow. It’s nothing in comparison to you agreeing to come here. Goodnight.”

  He then nodded and closed the door. Just like that, I was alone in an unfamiliar place again, but this time Richard was next door to me, not James. The moment he left, my heart started to race again. It was like it was put on hold while Richard was around.

  Why did you let me go James?

  I moved all the bags and things to one side of my bed. I took my boots off and lay down to cry myself to sleep.

  When I woke, my eyes felt sore and swollen from all the crying I had done. I looked at my watch to see that it was only just after 8 o’clock. I thought about how James had slept last night. I wondered whether or not he thought about me and how I slept last night? I knew that he let me go, but I also knew, deep down inside, it was killing him. I couldn’t believe how everything had changed so quickly and without any warning. I took a deep breath and shook my head in disappointment.

  I needed two hands to draw back the curtains. They were a heavy and thick material and ran right up to the ceiling. It was a sunny day with a light fog, English style. I opened the internal door in my room that led to a magnificent ensuite. It was such a relief; I wasn’t ready to leave my room.

  I looked at my bedside. There were so many bags and small packages I felt like a charity case. But I had no choice. I couldn’t wear this dress again today, sleep in it again tonight and then go back to the college in it tomorrow.

  You’ve made your bed Catherine, now you have to sleep in it!

  After my shower, I wrapped a towel around me, headed for my bed and started to open the packages. To my horror everything I opened I loved and was the perfect size. A stunning navy wool coat, an evening dress, two pairs of the same shoe but different sizes, negligee and robe, riding boots, tights, jumpers, a blouse, make-up, perfume and other toiletries. This was too much. Everything was of the highest quality. I was dumbfounded. I noticed a black box with a pink ribbon on the floor that I hadn’t opened yet. Inside were bras, underwear and other lingerie pieces.

  Who was this good friend of Richard’s who thought I would need all this to spend the weekend with him? Well whoever you are, your taste is impeccable and much appreciated.

  I changed into jodhpurs, a jumper and boots. Everything fitted and looked perfect, but I felt guilty. These weren’t my clothes and I wasn’t getting dressed for James.

  Then there was a knock on the door. I went to it quickly and opened it.

  “Good morning ma’am, I am here to take you to breakfast.”

  “OK… thank you, but I haven’t finished…” I looked to the mess on my bed and on the floor.

  “Please, I will take care of this for you. This way,” she said and started to walk off.

  Everything was happening too quickly for me. I seemed to have no say in anything, except this stupid plan that I was completely responsible for. Maybe it was better that I had no say in anything planned for the weekend.

  “Good morning,” Richard greeted me cheerily as he stood up and pulled out a chair for me.

  “Morning,” I replied and sat down, still feeling uncomfortable wearing the clothes he had given me.

  “Juice?” the lady asked politely.

  “Oh, um, yes please.”

  She nodded and poured me a glass.

  “How did you sleep?” Richard leant over and asked.

  “Well, thanks,” I answered without giving him any eye contact.

  “You look amazing,” he complimented me as he sat back in his seat.

  I didn’t reply. I placed some fruit on my plate. I was so hungry having not eaten dinner or lunch the day before. I had to eat, and now!

  “Well it looks like the Gods are on our side Catherine. We ride today!” he declared, obviously pleased with himself.

  “Richard, I am quite overwhelmed and grateful for all the clothes. Please send my thanks to your lady friend. She has incredible taste.”

  “You’re very welcome, and I will pass on your thanks. I have a confession to make though. She followed us for a while so she could get an idea of your size and taste,” he said laughing.

  “What? No!” I said with a half-smile, embarrassed. “That’s creepy!” I shook my head.

  After breakfast Richard took me for the grand tour. The house was so big that it took more than an hour to see it all. It was amazing. I loved it. The furnishings and style of the house were exquisite.

  “This house is so big for just you and Mark, don’t you think?”

  “Yes I agree. It would be much cosier with three,” he whispered suggestively, close to my ear before walking ahead.

  I was taken aback by his reply and hated myself for setting that up for him. He looked back at me and smiled cheekily. I just ignored him and tried to keep up the pace. Not wanting to admit to it, but with all fairness, Richard was a very handsome man. I could only imagine how many women he had been with. I have no idea why he would be interested in me at all, especially after seeing me fall apart at his cottage. I wondered why he and his wife were divorced.

  Richard then stopped ahead and waited for me to catch up to him.

  “My apologies if you are bored.”

  “No, not at all,” I replied honestly. I was enjoying Richard’s tour immensely.

  Richard took me around the whole house and the beautiful grounds before we ended up at the stables. I tried not to be happy, I really did, but it was hard. The landscape and fresh air were too beautiful not to lift my mood. Every so often the guilt would return. It was important for me not to show Richard too much attention or any type of encouragement. I did not want to give him any false hope.

  “Pick one,” he requested, as he pointed towards the horses.

  I ran up, excited to pick, but stopped abruptly.

  “You pick!” I said with a smile.

  “Alright then,” he said as he passed his horses slowly, one by one, deep in thought.

  “Now the horse that I choose for you will have to be like you: beautiful, strong and independent but with an irresistible innocence and, of course, slightly clumsy.”

  “Stop it!” I frowned.

  “Alright! It would have to be Sugar!”

  “What? Not Sugar from the college?” I asked.

 
“Yes. Have you met?” he asked.

  “We have met, briefly. I don’t understand why she is here?” I asked, puzzled.

  “I do not get nearly enough time to ride all my horses, so occasionally, I send them to the college so the boys can give them a good run.”

  “That makes sense.”

  A man came out of the stable, smiled at me and went to Richard.

  “Mr Cartwright, have you chosen a horse for the lady?” the man asked.

  “Yes, Catherine will be riding Sugar.”

  “Very good sir, I will also bring your horse around.”

  “Thank you.”

  A few minutes later, the man came out with two horses – mine, an old friend, and Richard’s, a black stallion, of course. The man brought Sugar to me and placed a timber stool beside her so I could climb up. Richard mounted his horse like a cowboy in an old movie. With a quick pull of the reins, he came around beside me.

  “Do you ride as good as you look?” he asked with a cheeky tone of voice.

  “I guess…”

  “Call out if you need me to slow down for you. Any questions?” he asked.

  “What’s the name of your horse?” I asked.

  With a smile and a jerk of the reins, he replied ‘King’ and rode off.

  “Ahhh!” I said, rolling my eyes, and started to ride after him.

  I wasn’t sure if he was riding to his fullest potential, but I kept a great pace, which seemed to surprise him every time he looked over his shoulder. I felt free for the first time in a long time, flying through the air, the coldness of the wind touching me everywhere. I felt liberated, Sugar was a fast, slick horse to ride and we were a good match. She started to slow down as we descended into a valley. It was breathtaking. At the bottom of the valley, a clear lake was visible. An extraordinarily small bridge, nothing like I have ever seen before, hung over the lake.

  Up ahead, Richard had dismounted so I slowed down. He was letting his horse rest and drink. Richard grabbed my reins and helped me down from the horse. Sugar went immediately to the water to drink.

  I had an uncontrollable smile on my face that I could not hide. This made Richard so happy that his face lit up as well.

  “You do ride as good as you look.”

  “Thank you, you’re not so bad yourself.”

  Just as I had caught my breath, a man coming from behind startled me.

  “My apologies Miss, I did not mean to startle you,” he said as he went to the horses.

  “Everything is ready sir,” he stated to Richard as he walked past him and pointed across the stream, up a small green hill.

  “Thank you, Adam. Shall we?” Richard took my hand and led the way. I was now upset with myself. Richard seemed to be so comfortable grabbing my hand whenever he wanted to, and that was completely my fault. I should never have given him the green light to begin with. I let go of his hand and stopped halfway across the bridge to lean over and look at the stream. I took a deep breath. With my eyes closed, I thought of James.

  The bridge would not have been 5-metres long and had dates and initials dating back to the 1600s scratched into it. I was fascinated. I closed my eyes and easily imagined the garden parties of the ladies and gentleman of the era, enjoying each other’s company. I let my hand slide against the stone wall as I crossed it. The feeling was overwhelming.

  “Beautiful isn’t it?” Richard queried.

  I opened my eyes but didn’t answer, still overwhelmed with my feelings.

  “I had my staff organise a picnic lunch for us. I hope that’s alright,” Richard asked, doubting himself.

  “This is too much. Honestly I don’t know why this is happening,” I confessed.

  “Please… do not be embarrassed, this is nothing.” He pointed to the extravagant picnic. “It is you that is too much!” he said in a soft voice.

  I looked at him, puzzled.

  Over lunch Richard did most of the talking. He made me feel comfortable. We talked about so many different things: the land, property and the home where he grew up and its history.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You don’t understand what exactly?” he asked, intrigued.

  “Your family, that big house. Just you and your parents… It’s so big.”

  “My parents had always wanted many children. I remember my father told me once that he and my mother wanted the house full of children. But that was not meant to be,” he said as he drank his glass of wine. “My mother died when I was two. My father was heartbroken and never remarried. So it remained just the two of us in that house until he died, 20 years later. Now it’s just Mark and I. History repeating itself,” he joked making light of a sensitive subject.

  “I am so sorry. How awful for you both to lose her so early on in your lives.”

  “It was a long time ago now and I have no real memories; only what my father has told me.”

  “And what happened to your wife? Oh, please forgive me!” I backtracked. “I am way out of line.” I turned away.

  “No, please, it’s alright… I wanted a house full of children too, but Mark’s mother didn’t. She would have been happy with no children. That is why Mark stays with me,” he explained. He moved closer to me on the grass.

  “You must be missing your family back in Australia”?

  “Well… I do miss them, but it has nothing to do with Australia.”

  He had a puzzled look on his face and waited for me to elaborate.

  “I am also an only child; I lost my parents in a car accident years ago. I should have gone as well, but I guess it just wasn’t my time,” I smiled.

  “That’s awful, I’m sorry, I had no idea.”

  “How could you, its fine.”

  “Please, if you don’t mind me prying, what do you mean by, you were supposed to go as well?”

  “Well the trip that my parents had organised was for their wedding anniversary and we were all to head down south, to our farm. We planned this trip for so long, trying to get dates that would suit everybody’s work schedule and my schooling. Finally the dates were set. The night before we left, I remember lying in bed for hours, unable to sleep, feeling uneasy; like I had a big exam or something. My excitement for the trip somehow turned to fear. I didn’t share my feelings with anyone, embarrassed, I suppose. The next morning, at the last minute, I decided not to go, I’m still not sure why. My parents were very upset, it hurt them… I never saw them again.” I exhaled, confused as to why I shared a story that had disturbed me for such a long time.

  I finally looked up at Richard, who was surprisingly quiet.

  But unfortunately for me, the silence didn’t last for long.

  “I… don’t know what to say. I can’t comprehend what that would be like to go through. Just when I think it’s not possible to like you more. I have to tell you, when I first saw you at the college, you caught my eye purely because of your beauty. I could not get you out of my head for weeks. Then that day at the cottage, seeing you hurt and terrified, I realised I would have done anything to protect you, anything. I have never felt like that about any other woman in my life. Last night walking with you through the village, and having you next to me at breakfast this morning…” he paused, “I feel like I am playing with fire.”

  “You are playing with fire!” I warned.

  I got up and walked a few metres away. I could hear Richard approaching me from behind. I felt awful. I wanted to hate him but there was nothing to dislike. But I loved James, not Richard. Richard stood so close behind me I could feel him breathing.

  “I am sorry, I said too much. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Please forgive me?”

  I half-smiled back.

  “How about I race you back?” he challenged.

  “You’re on!” I accepted. Anything to avoid hearing his declarations of love.

  We ran down to the stream toward our horses, laughing. Needless to say, Richard got on his horse before I did and was off. For some reason, Sugar was being diffic
ult, not really wanting me to get on her. Her disobedience upset me, I didn’t want to lose.

  “Please, can you help me?” I asked Adam who was looking after the horses. He held on to the reins and tried to calm Sugar so I could get on. As soon as I got on, she became even more agitated.

  “Are you sure you want to ride her back? You can have my horse,” Adam yelled over her whinnies, while he tried to calm her.

  “No, I’m fine!” I yelled back.

  “Alright Miss, let her lead, she will take you straight home.”

  He moved away and Sugar was off. It felt like she knew about the race and couldn’t wait to run. The ride back was different than before. I didn’t feel as confident on her. She was riding extremely fast and furiously. I just held on. Inside I was scared. I tried to be confident and gain control, but I wasn’t and my heart was almost beating in sync with her galloping hooves, thumping on the ground.

  I didn’t know what had gotten into her. She was like a different horse. I was unfamiliar with my surroundings and sensed she wasn’t on the right path. I pulled back the reins but she didn’t respond. I seemed to have no control over her. I started screaming at her in a desperate attempt to regain control, but to no avail. I was now struggling to hold on and contemplated whether falling off would be an option, but I didn’t have the courage to let go. But nor did I have the strength to hold on. We were now riding alongside a dark and dense forest. Branches were scrapping against my body and face. I tried pulling on the reins again, but still nothing. I heard my name being called out, and it was an eerily familiar sound, which horrified me. I refused to look towards the trees.

  I opened my eyes for a split second to look ahead; we were heading for a cliff.

  “No! Stop! Stop!” I yelled, again in vain.

  As we approached the edge, Sugar became even more erratic. I felt I had no choice but to jump. I took my feet out of the stirrups, and closed my eyes. I was still trying to get the courage to let go when, without warning, Sugar bucked me off. I fell to the ground and started rolling away. Each time my body rolled, I could see Sugar sliding further and further away from me. When I stopped tumbling, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. My body was excruciatingly sore and my hands were burning from holding tight on the reins. I looked out, wondering where she was. I could hear something from behind me, but was too exhausted to turn my body around. I closed my eyes.