Harry closed his laptop and sat for a moment, watching the covers rise and fall as she slept. His heart was overflowing with love for her. Watching her come into her own with Ella’s horses was a revelation – and the prospect of tearing her away and back to Norwich was painful. The long-term plan was that he’d buy a house near Jenny and Lou, so she could still be part of their lives. But he couldn’t see Jenny being happy to let go any time soon. Realistically, he couldn’t carry on living indefinitely with Hope’s grandparents. There was only one problem.
He stood up, switching on the night light and switching off the main one, and quietly closed the door to Hope’s room. He paused on the stairs, looking out of the window and up the hill. He found himself wondering if Ella was awake, too.
As he climbed into bed, exhausted, his last waking thoughts were of her.
Will you marry me?
He looked in the mirror and mouthed the words. They sounded frankly ridiculous. How the hell did anyone ask it with a straight face?
He knew what he had to do – had the ring, which he’d saved up for and bought with the money he’d earned in the summer after graduating.
She’d been working at a competition stable yard in Berkshire and he’d travelled down every weekend to see her, sleeping in the tiny, rickety caravan she’d been allotted. It was freezing cold even on warm nights and every morning they had to shake their clothes to get rid of the earwigs that crept in through the cracks in the doorframe. But it was their first attempt at living together properly. She’d work all day, coming home filthy and exhausted. He’d drive to the supermarket in Windsor and buy ingredients, cooking on the two-ring gas stove and chopping salad on the folding table, which became their bed by night.
In the evenings they’d sneak to the shower block when nobody was around and he’d watch as she scrubbed the dirt from her body and shampooed her hair to wash out the straw and sweat and dust. Her bottom curved beautifully – toned by hours in the saddle – and inevitably he wouldn’t be able to resist. He’d reach out, offering to soap her back and she’d turn and grab his wrists, pinning him against the wall, laughing, and kissing him as the water ran on, drowning the sound of the other workers banging on the door, waiting to get in.
Now summer was over and he knew – absolutely, with a certainty he’d never felt about anything before – that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Ella. There was nobody like her.
‘Harry!’
Through the fug of sleep he felt a hand shaking his shoulder, urgently.
‘Harry.’
He turned around.
‘Can we go to the stables now? I’m ready. Look.’
Hope was standing, dressed in her warmest clothes, her cardigan buttoned up the wrong way, and her wellington boots on. He peered at the clock.
‘Sweetie, it’s half past five.’
‘I know.’
‘It’s pitch dark.’
‘It says in my horse book that you got me that if you like horses you have to be prepared to get up early, even on weekends.’
He groaned, rubbing his eyes, and sat up. He laced his hands together and folded them behind his head, stretching until various parts of his body cracked alarmingly.
‘I think that’s if you have a horse of your own, Hope, darling.’
‘Oh.’ Her face dropped for a moment. ‘But Ella said I could treat Muffin as if he was my own, so that’s almost the same.’
‘I suspect Muffin is probably still asleep. You wouldn’t want to wake him up, would you?’
Ella scrunched her little mouth sideways in thought. ‘I suppose not.’
He looked at the clock again. One day, one blessed day, Hope might need more than a few hours of sleep. He had no idea how Jenny coped with it when he was away at work. At least he could give her a bit of a rest – he’d noticed she was looking pretty frazzled. Trying to keep everyone happy was Jenny’s thing, and it didn’t seem to leave her much time for herself. He pushed back the covers.
‘OK, let’s do a deal. You creep downstairs as quietly as a tiny little mouse, and I’ll get my socks on because the kitchen floor is freezing. And then we’ll make pancakes and Nutella for breakfast.’
Hope’s eyes turned saucer-shaped. She put a finger to her lips.
‘Like a very tiny mouse.’
‘The smallest, quietest mouse in the world.’
He watched as she crept out of the room. When she’d gone, he ran a hand through his hair and looked for a second at his reflection. He looked knackered – the shadows under his eyes matching the three-day stubble on his jawline. In his grey T-shirt and checked flannel pyjamas, he looked like the before shot of one of those dads on the kids’ TV makeover show Hope liked to watch. At this rate he was going to go back to work – as he always did – more tired than he was before the start of the holidays.
Harry hovered at the gate to Hillside Farm. He could see the flash of pink hair in the distance that was Charlotte, already at work in the midwinter dawn. It was quarter to nine, which was the absolute latest he’d managed to extend his pancake-making delaying tactics, and Hope was hopping with excitement as he slid open the metal catch. Bob and Cleo hurtled towards them, barking with excitement.
‘Look, Harry,’ Hope giggled. ‘Cleo looks like she’s twerking.’ She wiggled her bottom to demonstrate and he burst out laughing.
The dogs heard the gate before Ella did. Pulling her hair into a ponytail, she stepped out of the cottage and into the yard, yawning.
Harry grimaced and lifted a hand in greeting. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said.
‘Why? What have you done?’
‘Well, I’m sure you’ve got loads of work to do, but Hope was very keen to see Muffin and –’
Ella smiled. ‘Come on then, young lady. Let’s go and say good morning to Muffin.’ She sneaked a look at her reflection in the kitchen window as they made their way across to the yard towards the barn. Thank God she’d actually had a shower and brushed her hair.
‘Actually, I don’t have any clients today. I try and give myself a couple of weekends off in the month, or I end up working seven days a week if I’m not careful.’
‘Oh?’ Harry looked surprised.
‘Since the article in the paper we’ve been getting busier and busier. I can’t wait to tell Bron that we’re actually in the black.’
‘Ella, that’s brilliant.’
His voice cracked with emotion. Ella glanced over at Harry. He hadn’t shaved. She felt an unfamiliar sensation in her stomach. She turned away before he caught her staring at him.
They stood watching as Hope shot straight off in the direction of the barn where Muffin was probably still flat out, snoring. He was the laziest pony she’d ever known.
‘I’m going to take the dogs for a –’ she motioned to their leads, not saying the word – ‘do a bit of paperwork, that sort of thing. It’s all glamour around here.’
‘Could we come?’ Harry sounded hesitant.
‘With the dogs?’ Cleo and Bob were circling already. She hadn’t even said the word w-a-l-k in front of them, but they were already impatient to get going.
‘OK,’ she smiled. ‘You get Hope and I’ll just grab the whistle for the dogs. Charlotte can do morning stables.’ She looked back. ‘If you’re ready now, that is?’
‘We’ve been ready since half five this morning.’
Up on the hillside, with Hope creeping around amongst the dark red bracken looking for fairies, Ella blurted out the words she’d been trying to say.
‘Harry.’ It was hard to say his name. She swallowed before continuing. ‘I want to apologize.’
‘For what?’ He lifted an arm and waved back at Hope, who was now carrying two huge bracken leaves as wings and running in circles with the two dogs joining in delightedly.
‘For divorcing you for unreasonable behaviour.’ She pushed back her hair, which was blowing in her face, and turned to look at him. ‘When I was the one who was a complete nightmare.’
&nb
sp; ‘You’d lost your dad.’ She startled when he caught her hand for a second, holding it for just long enough for the heat of his touch to shoot right up her arm, jolting her with surprise. He let go and she stepped back, surprised at her reaction. A pheasant whirled up, chuntering with surprise, as Hope emerged from a thicket of bracken, waving her arms and laughing, the dogs in hot pursuit.
‘You’ve lost your parents too.’
‘Yes, but –’ His voice was low. ‘You know what mine were like. You were your dad’s whole world. And – and he was yours.’
She bit her lower lip and looked down at the rough grass. It was freckled with moss and broken up with rough grey stone which jutted out on a little ridge beneath their feet. Some tiny voice inside her said so were you. She pulled out the whistle, stepping away from him and turning to look down the hill.
‘Cleo, Bob,’ she called. She whistled the dogs back with three clear bursts. They hurtled towards her and lay on the ground, tongues lolling.
‘I wish Hope was as obedient,’ Harry laughed. ‘When she was little she used to run off in the park and all the other parents would say “Don’t worry, she’ll come back” – but she wouldn’t.’
‘Anyway,’ Ella said, determined to clear the air again – she realized she seemed to be doing quite a lot of that – ‘I just wanted you to know that I know I behaved like a complete dickhead.’
He grinned at her then. ‘Nothing new there, then.’
‘Watch it, Macallan.’
Chapter Thirty-one
Harry
‘Have you got your PE kit?’
Hope waved a drawstring bag in the air from the back seat of the car. ‘Grandma reminded me.’
‘Brilliant.’
He pulled the car in on the side street behind the primary school and climbed out, opening Hope’s door. Jenny had been surprised when he’d insisted she stay at home with a late breakfast while he did the school run, but he was trying to make space in his life for the little moments like this, instead of putting all his focus on quality time with Hope. He’d been doing some reading online, and an article he’d read said it was important to spend as much time as possible doing the seemingly boring stuff, because that’s when the interesting conversations happened. So far, he hadn’t noticed much in the way of interesting conversations, but maybe Hope’s monologue on the subject of her favourite cartoon and the intricate details of Class Three’s social structure was it. He didn’t really have anything to go by.
‘Morning, my lovely,’ said the teacher on the gate. ‘I see you’ve brought your daddy with you today.’
Hope nodded. ‘But he isn’t staying for school.’
The teacher was looking at Harry intently. She smiled at him, and for an uncomfortable moment he wondered if he’d got something stuck on his teeth or in his hair. She was very pretty, with dark curls and skin, and precise freckles dotted across her nose. She smiled at him again, widely. ‘Lovely to meet you at last.’
‘You too,’ he said, politely. He could have sworn Hope’s teacher was male, but maybe he’d picked up the wrong end of the stick. He leaned down to give Hope a kiss goodbye and she darted off, too-big rucksack banging against the back of her coat. He headed back to the car with the slightly uneasy feeling that his every step was being watched.
After dropping Hope off, he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. What did being a full-time parent actually involve? What would Jenny be doing now? He thought ahead to the end of the day, when he’d have picked up Hope and they’d be home, and they’d have dinner together. Perhaps he should make a trip to the supermarket and make her favourite meal.
He realized with a sinking feeling in his stomach that he’d spent so long working and away from family life that he wasn’t sure what it was. She was growing up so quickly.
‘Hello again,’ said a familiar voice behind him in the queue at the little supermarket. He turned, heart bashing against his chest. Ella was standing there, hair tied in a high ponytail, her face pink with exertion. She was wearing a pair of trainers and running tights that emphasized the length of her leg and the curve of her hip. He glanced away, rubbing at his forehead.
‘Hi.’
‘I’ve been running,’ Ella said, and then she laughed, gesturing to her clothes. ‘I mean, obviously.’
‘I’m just – getting some shopping.’ He groaned inwardly. This was ridiculous. ‘What’re you doing –?’
‘It’s only five weeks until the fun run. I think I’m going to be finishing miles behind everyone at this rate.’
The woman on the checkout started bleeping the groceries. ‘You doing this school run, lovey?’
Ella pulled a face. ‘More like a walk, I suspect.’
‘I think she’s better than she thinks she is,’ Harry said. ‘I know her of old. She underplays her talents to lull the opposition into a false sense of security.’
‘I know the type,’ the woman teased. ‘Eight pounds forty, love.’
He hovered for a moment after paying, wondering if it was obvious to Ella that he was waiting to see what she was doing next.
‘Hope’s doing really well at school.’ He fell into stride beside her as they headed out to the car park.
‘She’s doing really well, altogether. I’m amazed, really.’
‘You’re just being modest. You must see this all the time.’
‘It’s different with adults. They’ve got more layers. Hope – well, she was under there all along, waiting for us to find her.’
He stopped at his car, holding his keys in one hand. ‘I feel like this place has been the making of her.’
‘I know. Lissa – my friend, she’s a teacher at the school – was telling me she’s doing really well at school, too.’
‘She’s the teacher?’ It fell into place.
Ella nodded, opening her bottle of water and taking a drink.
‘I think I met her this morning.’
‘You’d know if you have. She’s quite – direct. She said she’d be looking out for you.’
He nodded, thinking of the teacher’s stare. ‘I think that’s the one.’
The sky was clouding over.
‘Anyway, I’d better be getting back.’
‘D’you want a lift? It’s a long walk up the hill.’
‘Run.’ Ella raised her eyebrows.
‘Haven’t you done a run already?’
‘Yeah. It was a bit ambitious. I thought I’d run down, round by the river, and back up. Only now I’ve stopped, and with that overhead –’ she gestured to the darkening sky – ‘I don’t really fancy it much.’
He pressed a button and the car doors unlocked. ‘Let’s go, then. I won’t tell if you won’t.’
‘So apart from your plans to become the running champion of Llanidaeron, what else are you up to this week?’
‘I’ve got two clients this afternoon –’ Ella looked straight ahead, giving him the chance to glance at her face in profile. She had a smudge of dust on her cheek, and he gripped the steering wheel, realizing he had the urge to reach across and brush it away.
‘Adults?’
‘Yes. Carol and Brian. They’re not together – yet.’ She flashed him a look of amusement. ‘But they come as a package. I have a suspicion that I’ve inadvertently acted as Cupid.’
‘That’s sweet.’
‘It’s certainly unusual.’
He cleared his throat. ‘But no children?’
She shook her head. ‘Not yet. I’m waiting for final clearance on a contract with the LEA. When that comes through, I’ll be a lot busier, and I’ll be working with teenagers from a PRU – Pupil Referral Unit – nearby.’
‘That’s amazing.’ He pulled the car to a halt outside the farm, wishing they could carry on talking.
‘I know. It’s thanks to Lissa, really – she got me out of a hole just when I thought we were in real trouble.’
‘You’re making a difference to people.’
‘I hope so. I feel like I’ve . . .
I want to give something back.’
He tensed. ‘You do. I mean, you are.’
Ella ducked her head. ‘Thanks.’
‘Right,’ he said, reluctantly. ‘I’d better let you go.’
Ella climbed out of the seat and then paused for a second, leaning back into the car. Her hair was curling in tendrils that framed her face, and the smudge on her cheek just added to her appeal.
‘I’m going to a farm sale at the weekend.’ She chewed on her lip. ‘I don’t suppose you and Hope fancy coming, do you?’
Harry glanced over his shoulder to see if Hope was settled comfortably in the back of Ella’s battered old Land Rover. She looked a bit put out, because she’d been under the impression that Harry was taking her to buy a farm.
‘It’s not the farm they’re selling,’ Ella explained, changing gear as they climbed the steep hill. ‘It’s the equipment. Sometimes it’s because the farmer’s retired and moving on, sometimes they just have a bit of a clear-out. It’s a chance to pick up tools and bits and bobs, but more than that, it’s a chance for everyone in the farming community to get together and have a catch-up.’
Harry glanced at her. She was dressed in a pair of jeans and dark brown knee-length boots. She had a green rugby shirt on, and her hair tied back. The only jewellery he’d seen her wearing was a pair of tiny gold stars in her ears. They were there today, as always. When they’d been younger the only thing she’d worn was her wedding ring. He wondered where it had gone. He still had his, strangely enough. He’d kept it, even after the divorce, boxed away at the back of his desk. He didn’t think Sarah had ever known – but she wouldn’t have minded. She wasn’t that sort of person.
What he realized now, seeing Ella, was that the feelings for her had been stored away, like his wedding ring. Not gone, not forgotten, but – stored. Carefully. All he had to do was keep them there, despite the fact that they kept trying to sneak out. If he could just padlock them away, he could have a really good friendship with her. And that would be better than nothing. If that was the best they could get, then that would do.
‘Here we are.’
‘It’s not very far away,’ Hope observed. ‘We’ve only been driving for twelve minutes.’
Finding Hope at Hillside Farm Page 23