“Hmm?” I made the questioning sound lightly as I took my position, cocked sideways on the couch with one foot under my butt as I twisted to stare out into the stormy nothingness of the night once again.
“Poppy, are you doing all right, sweetheart?” He asked, voice soft and gentle like I was a stray dog he was trying to coax in for its own good.
My focus remained on the vast black emptiness outside before I closed my eyes, took in the tink-tank of the rain on the roof and the somewhat lighter whooshing of the wind through the trees. The rumbles of thunder were noticeably fewer and farther apart now too. The storm was abating, and would leave fresh soaked land and swollen creeks and rivers in its wake, but what it couldn’t take away or leave behind was my heartache or a cure for it.
“No, Snake, I’m…” The words I’d been about to say died on my lips as the low-riding headlights of a sports car pulled into my drive. The driver did not get out, and only paused long enough to allow for the bulky shape of a large man to unfold himself from the vehicle. He leaned in, words were obviously spoken, and as he slammed the door shut the car peeled out in reverse, backing down my drive at a dangerous clip considering the conditions. As it pulled onto the road distant lightning lit the sky just enough for me to see that I knew that car, who was driving it, and none of it equated to good things with that in conjunction with the man who walked through my door being my husband.
That car belonged to a woman I had once called a friend, and her signature perfume wafted in on the wind before my husband could make it through the door fully enough to close it behind himself. Snake was a shadowy figure near the stairs still, shaking his head at my husband. I almost wished for light so I could see the emotion playing out on his face. Then again, I didn’t think I could stomach seeing any more evidence of how, and with whom, my husband of eight years, my man of ten, had spent the night while I’d sat here with rivers of tears and a belly full of worries waiting to hear his voice or see his face again.
How did you walk away from the one person your heart had ever sung for? No matter that it had stopped singing, because it was still impossible to learn how to unlove someone you thought would be yours for a lifetime.
I didn’t move from where I sat twisted on the couch. There was nothing left to move to.
“You’re one stupid son of a bitch,” I heard Snake hiss out on a whisper. The whispering wasn’t exactly effective considering there were no ambient noises now that the storm had moved on and the destruction left in its wake waited quietly to be cleaned up and made new again.
“Poppy?” Walker called out to me. I didn’t move, and didn’t make a sound in response. “Why are you sitting in the damn dark, darlin’”
Walker hadn’t called me darlin’ in years, and the use of it now hurt worse than I could imagine, because I had to wonder if it was only because he’d used it on someone else that night. I sat there, and I couldn’t speak, because this odd numbness settled into my bones, shutting me down a little bit further with each moment of my life that ticked miserably by. At least, I couldn’t until he attempted to move closer to me.
“Stop,” I managed to choke out. “When we got together my best friend at the time made a play for you, and you swore to me you would never come to me with another woman’s perfume clinging to your skin again. I believed you did the right thing back then and fended her off like you told me.” I unfolded myself from the couch and I looked at the shadows of the man I used to love, thinking it was probably for the best that shadows were all I could see. Then, as if I’d made God angry somehow and tonight was all about my punishment, the lights flicked once, twice, and settled back into their original on position.
Walker looked as though he’d been struck down by the shroud of anguish that clung to him as he took in my obviously emotional and disheveled state. I was certain I was nothing much to see. I’d dressed nice and applied my makeup carefully earlier today when I went to visit my family on the anniversary of their deaths before another killing storm blew in. My husband had always gone with me before. This year I’d been alone. Six years to the day ago I thought I lost everything. I found out in the remnants of another storm that I had one more thing to lose.
“Jesus, Poppy, it’s not what you think. She was the only one that hadn’t been drinking, and I needed a ride.”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “I needed my husband. I needed the man who swore to love and protect me until death do us part, for better or worse, and all the other lies you told me.” My voice never raised much above that whisper. “Today, of all days. Tonight, of all nights.” I saw it dawn on his face as his brows crinkled up, nose scrunched, and then I watched his shoulders fall with the weight of what he’d done.
“I forgot,” he spoke softly, words filled with remorse that meant nothing to me anymore.
“Went to the cemetery to see them by myself. First time. Barely made it back before the storm, because I waited so long for you to show up. You never answered my messages, picked up my calls… Power went out. You never brought up the generator, so I just sat here,” I pointed to the spot on the couch I’d just vacated. “I waited. I worried. Storm got worse. I texted again. Finally, checked with Snake to make sure you were breathing somewhere so I could let the knots in my belly loose. A damn tree fell on the house. Roof’s leaking on the bed we used to share.” My body vibrated with a glut of emotion that was beginning to break through the momentary numbness I’d experienced at seeing who dropped my husband off in my driveway.
“You finally blow in after the cemetery, after the storm, after someone else came to check on me, and when you do its in the car of the woman whose friendship I obliterated for you. In the car of the woman whose scent is still clinging to you as you walk into my home.” I stood there and watched him watching me while noting that Snake hadn’t moved from the bottom step across the room yet. Both men stood still as statues as I ended my recap, but I wasn’t done.
“I’ve loved you for ten years. I’ve loved you through losing my best friend because of you. I’ve loved you through losing my family. I’ve loved you through being hurt about not getting a baby right away when we decided to try. I loved you even when you gave up on trying. I loved you through you not being able to accept that your body was the reason, and I even loved you when you refused to listen to the simple things you could do to increase our chances. I even loved you through our fight yesterday morning about trying IVF. But I cannot continue to love a man who doesn’t want my love and can’t – for whatever reason – give it back to me anymore. I thought I could continue to deal with it, but tonight proved I was wrong to think that. I was so wrong, and what we have can’t be fixed, because I got your message loud and clear this time. It’s unfixable.”
“Poppy, please, don’t jump to conclusions. I was at the clubhouse. Any of the guys could tell you that. She just happened to be there too,” Walker stated.
I glanced beyond him to Snake and back to Walker. “She was the only one who could drive?” He nodded. “Then how’d Snake get here? He doesn’t seem drunk to me.” Walker’s shoulders stiffened.
“I wasn’t ready to see you yet when he was leaving. I hadn’t planned on coming home tonight. I was gonna stay at the clubhouse to clear my head, but then Snake got here and texted that I better get my ass home any way possible. He made it a 911 text.”
I scrutinized Walker at this point, giving him a head to toe once over that made me wince in spots. “You smell like another woman, your hair looks like someone’s been running their hands through it, there’s lipstick on your shirt and your neck, and you forgot the most important day of the year when I needed someone to hold my damn hand while I reflected on all that I’ve lost, and all that I’ll never have, because you gave up on making it happen for me.” Tears spilled fresh rivers down my cheeks then. “You couldn’t come home because you needed to clear your head about me trying to find a better way to have a family with you, and this is the state you come home in?
“Even when you forgot the importance
of this day I still sat there in the window, waiting, watching, hoping and praying you were okay. I’ve been praying you had club business that kept you. Praying you weren’t dead like them. Not on a day like today. Not the day I lost everything else. Please, God, not again.” I swiped angrily at the tears on my face when I offered that piece of my heartache up to a man who clearly didn’t deserve it any longer. The refrain that had been tripping through my thoughts all night set my emotions on fire once more.
“I think this’ll be worse though,” I lamented. “This will break me even more because I ended up losing you finally too, only I’ll still see you walking around town and it won’t just be a figment of my imagination like it was when I lost my family. You’ll really be there, maybe walking down the street with my ex-best friend on your arm, and instead of trying to tell myself that you’re dead and gone like I did with the rest of my family I’ll just have to remind myself that you’re no longer mine. No matter how broken that leaves me in the end, it’s what I know will happen now.”
“Poppy, no!” His voice sounded almost as broken as my heart.
“Can’t fix this by myself,” I pointed to him and the state he was in. “And I certainly can’t fix what you’d rather ignore while you go seeking happiness elsewhere.”
“Poppy,” This time it registered that my name was somewhat slurred. I turned my back on him. “Get what you need to take to the clubhouse for now. I’m sure they can find room for you since you planned to stay there anyway. We’ll work everything else out later when you aren’t drowning in everything you found entertaining tonight while I sat here heartsick and worried to death.”
“Please, Poppy, don’t do this.” He cried. Literally, cried.
“No,” I said as I glanced back over my shoulder.
“No, what?” He asked.
“No, I’m not the one who did this. We may have had our mutual issues to work out, but you’re the one who dropped the ball on our lives yesterday in order to party. You’re the one who only came home when your brother told you to. You’re the one who sent me to voicemail, ignored my messages, and couldn’t even let me know you were alive for the first time in ten years. You’re also the one who came to our home looking freshly fucked, smelling like my ex-best friend, wearing lipstick that certainly isn’t mine, and having her drop you off in my driveway.” I watched as he swiped at his mouth thinking I’d meant that the lipstick was there when I had been referring to what I saw on his neck and shirt. “I meant what was on your shirt, but good to know she was on your lips too. And that is why I am not the one doing this. You did this to us, and right now, I need you to leave. Get your things and go.”
“Come on, man, let’s go pack you a bag. You can crash at my place if you want to avoid the clubhouse.”
“Seriously? You think it’s cool she’s kicking me out of my house?” He asked Snake. I didn’t bother correcting him, in that moment, that it was not his house as I had inherited it from my dead family – the one he’d forgotten all about today.
“Walk, listen brother, that woman – you got any love left for her in your heart – you’ll do what she asked for now. She was broken tonight when I got here. You add to that misery for her right now and you are not the man I thought I knew.” Snake scoffed. “And I’ve already seen enough tonight to make me question that shit anyway.”
“You believe I’d cheat on my wife?”
“I believe you’re wearing enough evidence and the way you chose to come here tells a story you aren’t sober enough to deny right now. Let’s get you a bag and get you gone so Poppy can get some rest, man. She had a rough fuck of a day, and then was up all night worried. That shit is no good, you give two shits about your woman, you come with me now and give this to her.”
“Of course I care, she’s my wife. My life,” he corrected.
I wasn’t sure my heart could crack into any more pieces until that moment. If only he’d treated me as if that’s what I was.
Chapter 2
I wouldn’t have been able to sleep on my bed even if it hadn’t been soaked through by the rains last night. It would have smelled like him. Instead, I snagged a blanket out of the hall closet and wrapped up on the couch. I slept, briefly, but my ever-rampant thoughts continuously woke me.
What would I do now? I’d met and fell in love with Walker Smithson when I was just 19 years old. I’d had one other boyfriend before him, in high school, and that was it. Everyone I knew these days was tied to Walker and the club. Hell, even my older brother Keith was a member of the club, though he’d transferred to Cedar Falls, West Virginia to follow some girl there after our family died. He wanted me to go too, but I couldn’t give up the house. He couldn’t stay and see it, and the memories it held. I got that. We just dealt differently with the loss of our family. Now, I wondered if it wasn’t time to let it all go and start fresh myself.
That thought became more and more the way I was leaning as I considered the fact that the only friends I had in this town anymore were associated with the club and being that he was the brother and I was just the old lady, I’d seen what would happen. I’d be the one ousted – as it should be – and while I understood the way their world operated, it would leave me even more alone than I already was. It might have been different if we’d managed to have kids together before we got to this point, because then I’d still be welcome around as the baby momma so long as I didn’t cause any trouble for Walker and his boys, or any of his future women.
I sat thinking these thoughts, sipping my coffee in my broken house and dwelling on my broken relationship and the fact that I’d probably never have a chance at my own family now. That was a tough reality to swallow since it was the one thing I’d wanted more than anything since losing my parents and sister. I still yearned for babies. I yearned for a family of my own. I missed what I once had with my parents, my brother, and little sister. I still wanted to build that again for myself. I wanted to pass along my mother’s recipes, my father’s wisdom, and my sister’s sense of humor to my children. I had planned to do all that with the man I loved. Now that he would be out of the picture, I wondered if I’d ever get a chance at any of it, and I hated him a little bit more for bringing even more loss to my life.
I heard the telltale sound of pipes blazing up the drive and saw Walker riding up on his Harley with a few pickup trucks trailing behind. Why I thought I would at least get a reprieve today was beyond me, but that’s apparently what I got for thinking. I got surprised yet again.
Walker was first though the door while I continued to sit on my couch in nothing but an over-sized t-shirt and panties while I sipped my coffee. Walker’s eyes flared at the sight of me so I wasn’t surprised when the first sober words I heard from him in 24 hours were to order me around.
“Baby, you need to go get dressed. Guys are here to work on securing the roof.”
“Okay,” I stated as I sat my mug down on the coffee table. “That explains why the guys are here, why are you?”
He blinked at me. Once. Twice. And once more before he spoke again. “What do you mean, why am I here? I’m here to fix the leak with the guys and I fuckin’ live here besides.”
“Shit!” I heard Snake hiss out as he came charging through the front door. “Sorry, Pop. He doesn’t remember a whole lot from last night.”
I moved my eyes from a bewildered Walker to Snake then. “So, how did he explain to himself how he looked this morning?”
Snake winced. “He remembered, vaguely, being here. Figured it was you, I guess.” Snake offered as Walker snapped his attention from me to Snake.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Walker sneered out.
“It means,” Snake started, but I interrupted.
“Do you remember leaving here angry yesterday when I told you I wanted to have a conversation about giving IVF a try?”
“Yeah, and I thought I’d made it clear that shit don’t fly with me,” he stated coolly. It was clear he didn’t remember anything I’d said las
t night, because no way he’d talk to me that way today if he knew I’d told him we were through last night.
“Walk,” Snake hissed out, trying to contain his friend.
“Yeah,” I murmured sadly. “You made that crystal clear when you walked out saying you had better shit to do with your time.” I watched as Snake shook his head in what was clearly disappointment while Walker stood there getting worked up. “You remember much of your day after that?”
“What I did with my day isn’t really relevant since I worked,” he ground out.
“You had the day off yesterday,” I reminded him.
He stared at me again like I was a stranger. “On a Friday? No, the fuck I did not.” Walker glanced between Snake and me, and judging by our faces he realized he was missing something vital.
“Pay attention, because you miraculously managed to block out our heart to heart from early this morning,” I told him. Then I proceeded to fill my husband in on how my day went, how my night progressed, how he came to be in our house between the hours of four and five in the morning, and how I asked him to pack a bag and stay gone awhile. I literally watched as his knees buckled and he went down to the floor, eventually managing to plop his ass down while he processed what I’d just summed up for him.
“I did not sleep with anyone else. I would not do that. I couldn’t have,” he was mumbling. Clunking sounds were coming from the roof above me which meant the other guys had went ahead and got to work on the branch embedded in there.
“Why didn’t you fill him in?” I asked Snake.
“He wouldn’t have believed me. I tried to tell him about who drove him home last night and he laughed and called me a liar. I’m really sorry, Poppy. I tried to get here before he did, but got held up by Prez this morning.”
“That makes two of us, Snake,” I muttered, because I was sorry to have to go over all this again too.
“Poppy, we fought, but that’s not the end.” Walker finally told me. “I’m really sorry I lost my shit and forgot what yesterday was. I’m even more sorry – the likes of which you will never know – that I worried you like that. I swear baby, I never got your calls or messages. I would have been here. You say I got a ride from Tanya, but I swear I don’t remember that at all. I would have never brought her to this house in any capacity. You have to believe me.”
Redemption Weather Page 2