‘But it might not even work! This might all be for nothing!’
‘We have to try everything!’
‘But at what cost, JP? It’s okay for you – you’re not living here any more, you don’t see how tired she is, how hard it is to wake her every morning. You don’t see how much she’s terrified of going to the hospital, even though she is trying her hardest to be brave. She doesn’t eat; when she’s not asleep, she’s listless and lethargic; she’s not herself, her spark has gone – she doesn’t feel like our Robyn any more. I know she’s dying, JP, but right now I feel as though we’ve already lost her.’
‘How can you say that?’ He was aghast. ‘She’s here – she’s still with us.’
‘I feel as though she is slipping through my fingers and I can’t stop it happening.’ I shook my head sadly.
‘Look, she’s exhausted, Sarah.’ His tone was softer now. ‘I know it’s hard on her, and on you too, but let’s just get to the end of these radiotherapy sessions and see if it has worked.’ He pressed his hands on either side of my shoulders. ‘Just hold firm. We’re nearly there now.’
But it didn’t feel like we were nearly there. In fact, the journey was only just beginning. And even when we did get there, would I be able to look Robyn in the eye and say it had all been worth it?
18
‘See you tomorrow, Lisa, we’re out of here. Another day down, only three more to go!’ I called to one of the nurses as I packed up Robyn’s bag to leave the hospital after yet another session of radiotherapy. I knew all the staff on a first-name basis by now, even the girl in the coffee shop that served me my double-strength cappuccino every morning.
We were nearly at the end of Robyn’s course of radiotherapy and I was counting down the days until her last session. She was tired all the time and her appetite was non-existent. Easter had passed and she hadn’t even attempted to open any of the eggs people had bought for her. It was heartbreaking to see my daughter become a shadow of her former self. Her cheeks had lost their colour and the sparkle in her eyes had vanished. Dr Sharma had also prescribed steroids to help manage her symptoms, which had caused Robyn to bloat, and she didn’t look like herself any more. ‘She doesn’t look like me,’ she had said, pointing at her reflection in the mirror, and my heart had been shredded. I was praying that the radiation would ease her symptoms so she would feel well enough for us to go and make memories with her until the tumour’s inevitable return. Once we were finished in the hospital, I hoped life could get back to some kind of normal – whatever normal was when your daughter was terminally ill.
‘When I’m better, I want to go to playschool to see Lily,’ she had said. Her one wish was to see her friends again and I hoped she might be up for a visit once she had regained some of her strength.
We would find out after her next MRI whether the radiation had shrunk her tumour and I dearly hoped that putting her through all of this would be worth it in the end, that we would get more time.
She had been a trooper throughout her radiation therapy, and we owed it to her to do some fun stuff. I had so many things planned; I wanted to take her to the beach and let her feel the sea breeze on her skin and dip her toes in the cool water. I had briefly thought about taking a holiday of a lifetime to Disneyland Paris or Legoland, but I wasn’t sure if she’d be up to it; even in the best of health, it would be a big undertaking for a four-year-old. Would she be here for her fifth birthday in September, or what about next Christmas? I couldn’t bear to think that she wouldn’t be. I was taking it day by day without looking too far ahead and, somehow, I was getting through it.
I was just putting Robyn’s coat on her when my phone rang, and I saw the number for Harry’s school flash up on the screen.
‘Hi, Sarah, this is Ms O’Mara.’
‘Ms O’Mara, is everything okay?’ I asked quickly.
‘I’m here with Harry. He said his aunt was supposed to be picking him up today, but nobody has arrived yet?’
Oh shit. Panic laced its way down my body. Fiona had told me she had a long-standing dental appointment for this afternoon that she couldn’t cancel, and I had completely forgotten to see if Joan was able to collect him instead. ‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry,’ I said. ‘I’m at the hospital, but I’m just leaving now, and I should be there in half an hour.’
‘Don’t panic, I’ll be here anyway doing my corrections. He can wait in the classroom with me and get a start on his homework.’
‘Thank you so much, I’ll be there as soon as I can,’ I said, hanging up, feeling mortified. I turned to Robyn. ‘We better run, sweetie, we forgot to collect Harry,’ I said, reaching for her hand.
Robyn moved out of the ward as though weighed down with concrete. I tried my best to encourage her to hurry, but I was conscious that she was suffering from the after-effects of her radiotherapy and the general anaesthetic and was still quite drowsy.
‘Come here, love.’ I lifted her up in one arm, hauled the heavy bag with my other one, and ran as best I could towards the car park.
As we drove in the direction of Harry’s school, it seemed as though we hit every set of traffic lights ever invented. I groaned as yet another green light changed to red just as I reached it. I slammed my palm against the steering wheel in frustration, willing it to change again. How could I have forgotten Harry? Jesus Christ, I knew I had a lot on my mind, but there was no excuse for leaving him stranded. He had effectively been sidelined over the last few weeks. Eventually, the lights turned green and we drove off again.
‘I feel sick, Mammy,’ Robyn said suddenly from the back seat.
Oh no, I groaned internally. I was driving faster than usual, and I guessed the motion was too much for her. I quickly scanned the roadside for a safe place to stop the car, but it was too late as she vomited all over herself. I pulled over into a gateway, got out and cleaned her up as best I could, but I was going to be even more delayed getting to the school now.
By the time I reached the school, Robyn had dozed off again and I didn’t have the heart to wake her, so I left her strapped into her seat and hurried into the school building. I ran down the corridor towards Harry’s classroom. Colourful artwork decorated the walls, and under normal circumstances I would have stopped to admire it, but today I didn’t have time.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I apologised as I ran through the door when I reached his classroom. ‘I was in the hospital and there was a mix-up – I promise it won’t happen again.’
‘Hey, don’t worry at all, it happens more than you’d think,’ Ms O’Mara said kindly. ‘Harry mentioned his sister is in hospital?’ she continued in an enquiring tone, but I didn’t trust myself to explain what was going on, especially with Harry in the room with us.
I nodded. ‘Yes, she is, unfortunately.’ I looked at Harry’s tear-stained face and felt hot tears spring into my own eyes. ‘I’m so sorry, little man,’ I said, pulling him into a bear of a hug.
We said goodbye and, after more harried apologies, we walked back out to the car.
‘I got a fright, Mam,’ Harry said. ‘I thought something happened to you or Robyn in the hospital.’
I knew he was starting to suspect something was going on. Harry was beginning to pick up on things and now he was starting to worry. He had already been asking why Robyn looked so bloated and why either Fiona or his grandmother had to collect him from school now instead of me. I was trying to protect him from it all, but he was getting anxious and maybe the time had come to tell him that Robyn was sick, but what was I going to say? He was a child; he would assume she would get the right medicine to get better. How on earth was I going to tell him that there was no medicine left to help her? I could barely get my own head around it.
‘I’m so sorry, Harry, Fiona had to go to the dentist today and I completely forgot all about it.’
‘What’s that smell?’ he asked, scrunching up his nose as he climbed into the back seat of the car.
‘Robyn got sick,’ I sighed.
‘
Urggh. It stinks.’
‘Hiya, Harry,’ Robyn said, waking up at the sound of her brother’s voice.
‘Why are her eyes all funny?’ Harry asked.
The crossing of her eyes had become even more pronounced. I hated seeing her face like this, it was all wrong. My beautiful baby girl’s face looked contorted.
‘Stop, Harry,’ I warned.
‘But they are,’ he continued.
‘My eyes are not funny,’ Robyn said indignantly.
In the rear-view mirror, I saw Harry raise his eyes and look out the window and we drove the rest of the way in silence.
We got home and after I had bathed Robyn and coaxed her to eat a tiny square of toast, I put her into bed cuddling Mr Bunny. I made Harry a plate of pasta and then I headed outside to clean Robyn’s car seat and the upholstery of my car before the vomit dried in.
When I was finished, I came back inside and flopped down wearily onto the sofa beside Harry. I was exhausted. I could feel my eyes closing with tiredness.
‘What you watching?’ I asked.
‘It’s Liverpool v. Man U.’
‘Cool.’
‘Can you make me a hot chocolate, please, Mam?’
‘In a minute,’ I replied, making no effort to move. I felt as though I was melting into the sofa and I honestly didn’t think my legs would ever be able to move off it.
‘It’s not fair,’ Harry started.
‘What isn’t?’ I said, opening my eyes again.
‘You keep saying “In a minute” whenever I ask you to do something, but then you always forget to do it. You’re always saying you’re too tired or else you’re too busy with Robyn.’ His small face was growing more exasperated by the second. ‘First Dad left, then Robyn keeps needing check-ups and you’re always in the hospital. You never take me or collect me from school any more. I never get to have my friends over. I haven’t been to football training in ages because everyone is “too busy”, and Robyn is “too tired”. He put his index fingers in the air and made invisible air quotes. ‘We never go anywhere together any more. I hate it.’
He was right; as hard as it was to hear what he was saying, he was right. Harry had been neglected over the last few weeks. Although Joan and Fiona were doing their best to keep things as normal as possible for Harry, I knew it wasn’t the same. I was juggling this all wrong, I was so focused on putting all my time and energy into Robyn, I was forgetting about my other child who needed me. Although JP tried to help out, I was effectively solo parenting; there was nobody to tag-team with when I was too tired to function at the end of a long day. It all fell squarely on my shoulders.
‘Harry, I’m sorry, I had no idea you were feeling like this. I know we probably haven’t been tuned into you lately, but Dad and I have had stuff on our mind…’
‘What stuff?’
‘Well, you know all those hospital trips with Robyn?’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘She’s sick, Harry.’
‘Duh.’
‘Do you know what’s wrong with her?’
He shrugged his shoulders.
‘Well, there is something bad growing in her brain.’
‘Is that why her eyes look a bit weird?’
‘Yeah.’
‘So what? Can’t you just give her medicine?’ Despite his bravado, I could see worry lurking in his eyes.
‘Well, that’s what all the hospital trips are about. She has to go and get her medicine there. We’ve only three more sessions left and after that then we won’t have to go to the hospital every day and things will settle down again. Now, how about I go make you that hot chocolate?’
He perked up instantly, our conversation quickly forgotten. ‘Can I have extra marshmallows?’
‘I think that can be arranged.’ I stood up and ruffled his hair. I knew I wasn’t being completely honest with him, but I wasn’t ready yet to have that discussion. I would need JP with me for that one. I knew we couldn’t put it off forever, it was looming ahead in the distance, like a train hurtling down the tracks towards us.
Harry
They forgot to collect me from school today and I was really worried that something bad had happened, like maybe the whole family were in a car crash and I was going to have to go live in an orphanage or else the house went on fire and the firemen couldn’t save them in time. Teacher said I shouldn’t worry and that it was okay, that it was just a mix-up and that someone would be there really soon, but I was still scared. She brought me into the staffroom, which was really weird because we’re never allowed to go in there. She gave me a chocolate hobnob and then we went back to the classroom and she let me help her cut out things and even though I was still in school, it wasn’t that bad. Then Mam came running into the classroom and she was hugging me, and I was a bit embarrassed in front of teacher, but I was still happy to see her because I didn’t have to go and live in an orphanage any more.
The car was so disgusting because Robyn got sick in it and I had to hold my nose the whole way home so I couldn’t smell it. Now Mam is being extra nice to me because she forgot to collect me. She let me stay up late to watch the whole Liverpool match instead of making me go to bed at half-time and Liverpool beat Man U 2–0! Firmino scored a cracker. Go on the Pool! She even said I can have Jamie O’Connor over for a play date. She said Robyn just has to go to hospital three more times and then she will be able to take me to school again and collect me the way she used to and not forget about me. When she was tucking me up in bed tonight, I asked her when Robyn was going to get better, but her voice went all funny, and I think she was going to cry so I told her not to be sad because the doctors are giving Robyn the medicine to fix her and then everything will be okay again.
19
My head was fuzzy: the result of the combination of worry and no sleep. I rose early, flicked the switch on the kettle and made myself a strong coffee. While the rest of the house slept on, I was sitting at the kitchen table clasping the hot mug between my hands, but I wasn’t drinking it. Instead, I stirred my spoon around and around, creating a vortex in the black liquid. The house was silent apart from the hum of the fridge and the odd rattle of a pipe somewhere in the heating system.
It was the day we would get the results of Robyn’s MRI scan – the one when we would be told whether the radiation therapy had worked or not, and I was worried to distraction. I had spent the night being tossed and turned by insomnia before finally admitting defeat and getting out of bed. I had prayed to a God I wasn’t sure I really believed in, to please let it be good news, over and over. Please let it all have been worth it.
Despite having completed her gruelling course of radiotherapy, Robyn’s symptoms hadn’t eased like Dr Sharma had said they might, and I was scared. Her eyes were still crossing over and her left side had grown much weaker, which caused her to walk with a limp, but nonetheless, I was still clinging to the hope that we would get good news at our appointment later on.
‘How are you doing?’ Fiona asked as she came into the kitchen that morning. She was going to stay with Robyn while JP and I went to the hospital to meet Dr Sharma. I was going to drop Harry at school and then meet JP at the hospital.
I shrugged my shoulders.
‘I know it’s a stupid question,’ she apologised. She turned to Robyn. ‘I thought we’d bake some fairy cupcakes, what do you think, Robyn?’
‘Can I lick the bowl, Auntie Fiona?’ Robyn asked, smiling, but her face was lopsided. Its perfect symmetry was gone. Her speech was starting to get slurred now too, and I felt my heart squeeze as if someone had placed their hands around it and wrung it out. It was so hard seeing the tumour changing my baby girl like this.
‘Course you can!’ Fiona replied. ‘Then we’ll curl up, stuff our faces and watch back-to-back episodes of Paw Patrol, how does that sound?’
‘Thanks, Fi,’ I said, reaching up to give her a kiss on the cheek.
She squeezed my hand. ‘Good luck.’
I nodded. ‘Thanks. Let’s go,
Harry,’ I said, grabbing my bag to head out the door.
‘Why did Fiona say “good luck”?’ Harry asked as I reversed out of the driveway.
‘Well, today is the day that we find out if Robyn’s medicine has done its job.’
‘I don’t think it has, Mammy, her eyes are still wonky and now she can’t even walk properly,’ he said matter-of-factly.
Tears pushed into my eyes as Harry voiced my worst fears.
‘Do you have Gaelic football after school today?’ I asked to distract him.
He shook his head. ‘You know that’s not on for the next two weeks. We got a note, remember?’
‘Oh, sorry, I forgot that.’
‘You forget everything,’ he sighed and rolled his eyes.
When we reached the school, I kissed him at the gate, even though he squirmed away from me. Then I continued on to the hospital.
I met JP in the hospital foyer like we had arranged. We didn’t speak as we made our way to Dr Sharma’s rooms. I knew we were each too wrapped up in our own worries and fears.
‘JP, Sarah,’ Dr Sharma said a short while later, shaking our hands as he showed us into his office. ‘Good to see you both again. Take a seat.’
We did as he instructed and sat down in the two leather armchairs opposite his desk. We had become so familiar with this room over the last few weeks. I looked at the photograph of him and, I guessed, his wife and sons which stood in a silver frame on top of his desk. One of the young men in the picture was wearing a graduation cloak and a mortar board. For some reason, that picture always reassured me; Dr Sharma was a family man, he knew what it was like to love a child and I knew he would put himself in my shoes and take the best care he possibly could with mine.
‘Now, I know you’ve probably been waiting anxiously for these results, so I won’t delay.’ He inhaled sharply and I saw his eyes dart away from us. ‘I have seen the images from Robyn’s MRI, but it isn’t good news, I’m afraid… Unfortunately, the tumour hasn’t abated as much as we would have hoped. It seems that it is a very aggressive type and is unresponsive to the radiation treatment.’ He opened a file that was sitting on his desk and showed us the scans of her brain. The tumour was plainly obvious to see, and I felt the air leave my lungs.
The Last Days of Us Page 11