by David Elvar
'So what's this plan of yours?' said Naomi as they hurried down the corridor. 'It's lunchtime and I'm hungry so I hope it's a quick plan.'
'Quick enough,' said Jodie as she pushed open the door to an empty classroom. 'This'll do. Come on.'
Her friends followed her inside then stood and watched as she tipped the string out of her bag.
'Now,' she said, 'this is a really simple plan. We use this to tie your head on and-'
'But everyone will see it!' Naomi wailed.
'-Let me finish, will you! We use this to tie your head on and then we brush your hair over it so no one can see it's there.'
Silence. No one spoke. No one seemed at all impressed.
'It's worth a try,' sighed Jodie. 'Come on, let's do this.'
They worked quickly. With Jodie doing most of the supervising and Kate doing most of the work, they pulled long lengths of string from the ball and wound them under Naomi's armpits (taking care not to catch it on the hair there) then over her head (taking care to hide it under the hair there).
'There,' said Jodie when they were finished. 'How does it feel?'
'Loose,' said Naomi. 'My head still feels like it's going to fall off at any moment.'
'Hang on, we'll tighten the knots.' They tightened the knots. 'How does it feel now?'
'Better but?nnng?not easy?nnng?speak.'
'You don't deed to speak,' said Kate, 'you just deed to wid this fashiod show. We'll tighted the dots sub bore.'
They tightened the knots some more.
'How is it now?' said Jodie.
'Nnng?Too?nnng?' said Naomi.
'Too bad we didn't think of this before?' said Jodie. 'I agree. Okay, we're finished here. Best get to the cafeteria before everything goes.'
They bundled out of the classroom, got three paces and stopped. Someone was heading down the corridor towards them, someone they weren't expecting.
'Oh doe!' Kate whispered. 'It's the headbaster!'
'Ah! Just the three I was looking for!' he was saying. 'How's the old head problem coming along?'
'We think we've cracked it, sir,' said Jodie.
'Is that so!' he said, eyeing her friend keenly. 'So, what have you done?'
'Nnng?Can't?nnng,' said Naomi.
'What Naomi is trying to say,' said Jodie, 'is that the idea was all mine and it's a brilliant one and we're bound to win the fashion show. Isn't that right, Kate?'
Kate didn't answer. Kate was watching Naomi's head, the way the string seemed to be pulling it deeper and deeper into her neck. And as the string pulled it deeper and deeper into her neck, so that neck was beginning to bulge. In fact, it looked suspiciously like it was about to give way at any moment.
'Er?Jodie,' she said. 'I thigk-'
'-that my idea's brilliant, too?' said Jodie. 'Why, thank you, Kate!'
'Nnng!' said Naomi.
'Doe! I bean-'
'-I should have brilliant ideas more often?' said Jodie. 'I totally agree!'
'Nnng!' Naomi said again.
'Doe! Look!'
But it was too late. Naomi's bulging neck gave way and-
Ping!
-catapulted her head off down the corridor to-
Clunk!
-land in a waste paper basket parked outside one of the classrooms.
No one moved. No one even spoke. Then the headmaster was turning to the two friends and speaking.
'Well,' he said, 'if Alchemy Academy should ever decide to hold a golf tournament, I know who to call on. In the meantime?'
SEVEN
'My head still hurts,' said Naomi as they reached the cafeteria. 'And someone had thrown a half-full can of that drink they make out of frogs-'
'Croaka Cola,' said Jodie helpfully.
'-that's it! Someone had thrown a half-full can of it in that bin and now my head is all sticky and sticky heads are so last year and-'
'Stop complaining!' said Jodie. 'Let's just get in there before everything's gone.'
They each grabbed a tray and shuffled along under the baleful glare of the head lunch lady. From the other side of the counter came the delicious aroma of lunch in its many forms. There was Worm Casserole. There was Slug Souffl?. And there was (everybody's favourite) Bogeyburgers with rhubarb ketchup.
They stopped by their friendly lunch lady. But as they looked, they saw she had one single cauldron in front of her. Just the one. No more. And that could mean only one thing.
'Is that all that's left?' said Jodie. 'Please tell me that isn't all that's left.'
'I'm afraid so,' said the lunch lady. 'But I'm sure you'll like it, it's something new.'
'What is it?' said Kate. 'Somethigg good?'
'It's called Gloop. And it's very good.'
She lifted the lid. The three friends peered into the cauldron. There, steaming gently and bubbling softly, was something thick and green. It looked like a potion that someone had left brewing for rather too long and had now gone seriously mouldy. It looked and smelt awful so that meant it was bound to be really good.
'I'll have some,' said Jodie. 'I'm so hungry, I could eat anything.'
'And I'm so hungry, I could eat anyone,' said Naomi.
'And I'b so huggry, I could eat Pizza,' said Kate.
Her two friends glared at her.
'You know, you are so disgusting sometimes,' said the one.
'And so last year,' said the other.
They found a table and sat down to eat their Gloop.
'So what do we do now?' said Naomi between loud slurps.
'I don't know,' said Jodie between even louder slurps. 'I'm all out of ideas just now.'
'We'll thigk of somethigg,' said Kate as she tried to conjure up a burp.
'We'd better,' said Jodie. 'There's a lot at stake.'
They finished eating. As they always did, they took their dirty dishes up to the counter.
'That was really good,' said Jodie as she handed hers to the lunch lady. 'What did you say it was called again?'
'Gloop,' came the reply.
'Gloop,' Naomi repeated as she handed her dish over. 'And what exactly is Gloop?'
'It's what it says it is,' said the lunch lady. 'It's a mixture of glue and soup.'
'I bust send by parents the recipe,' said Kate as she handed her dish in. 'I thigk they'll like it.'
'I'm sure they will,' said the lunch lady. 'But tell them they've got to keep it warm. If it's allowed to get cold, it'll stick anything to anything.'
The three friends looked at the cauldron, then at each other. They were each thinking the same thing. But it had nothing to do with asking for seconds.
EIGHT
'You're actually suggesting we steal a cauldron of Gloop?' said Naomi when they were out in the corridor.
'Not exactly steal,' said Jodie, 'more borrow in a good cause.'
'But why do we deed to borrow a whole cauldrod?' said Kate. 'Couldn't we just ask for secodds?'
'Kate's right,' said Naomi. 'It would be a lot easier to carry back to the dorm.'
'It wouldn't work!' said Jodie. 'Seconds would be a bowlful and a bowlful would get too cold too quickly. No, it has to be the cauldron. It's the only way to keep it warm until we need it.'
'So how are we goigg to borrow this cauldrod without the ludch lady doticing?' said Kate.
'Someone will have to distract her. That's you, I think, Naomi. You're the best at acting.'
'Well, I am going to be an actress in all the scariest horror films,' she said. 'Okay! I'm in! Let's do this.'
They sidled back into the cafeteria. While Naomi slid along to the end of the counter, her two friends waited by the main serving area where the cauldron of Gloop still sat steaming. Jodie nodded silently that they were ready and Naomi set herself to acting out the best performance of her life.
'You there!' she said. 'Lunch lady thingy!'
The head lunch lady swung round. 'You're late!' she snapped. 'Lunch is finished!'
'I'm not late!' Naomi snapped back. 'I'm early for tomorrow's lu
nch. Now look, I'm not satisfied with the standard of cooking in this place so I want to know exactly what's on the menu for the next week.'
'Do you now! Do you really!'
'Yes!' said Naomi, and she felt a voice beginning to falter. 'Yes, I?I do?'
The head lunch lady looked at her for a moment. She wasn't used to being spoken to like this, especially by a student. Indeed, the last student who tried it had mysteriously disappeared, and a new range of pies and pasties had featured on the menu for days afterwards. But this time, the larder was full so she just turned away, picked up a sheet of paper and looked it up and down.
'Right, let's see now?tomorrow is Bedbug Bolognese?'
Naomi glanced back at her friends to see if they were watching this-
'?the next day is Roast Centipede-not much meat, I know, but everyone gets a leg?'
-They were and were just lifting the cauldron off the counter-
'?then it's Dragonfly and Dandelion Dumplings?'
-And sneaking it towards the doors.
'?And at the weekend, it's Stuffed Maggots.' She stopped speaking and put the paper down. 'Does that answer your question, Miss High-and-Mighty?'
Naomi snapped back to her. Just in time. Her friends were gone, so was the cauldron.
'Yes,' she said. 'Thank you. You may return to your duties.'
-and with that, she was gone, was hurrying after her friends and the "borrowed" cauldron.
NINE
She found them struggling to get it down the corridor as quickly as they could without spilling any of the precious Gloop inside. Because once it cooled and if anyone should step in it?
'See?' said Jodie. 'Easy.'
'It was my acting that did it,' said Naomi proudly. 'Are you two okay? It's looks awfully heavy.'
'It is a bit,' said Jodie, 'but we'll manage.'
'Okay. Look, since you don't need me, I'll just hop off and pick up the latest issue of my magazine. It should be in by now. See you back at the dorm.'
Without waiting for answer, she was gone. Kate looked across the cauldron at her friend.
'What bagazeed is that, thed?' she said.
'Some fashion thingy or other. The school shop gets it for her. I don't know why she bothers with it, it's only full of silly fashion tips and daft makeup ideas.'
'Which are probably all out of date by the tibe the dext issue is out.'
'Yes, they become so last week,' said Jodie, and they laughed. 'Come on, we're nearly there.'
They heaved the cauldron into their dorm and sat down heavily on their beds.
'Made it!' Jodie breathed. 'Is it still warm?'
Kate reached out a tentative finger. 'Yes, it's still warb.'
'Good. Let's hope Naomi isn't going to be long. We don't want it getting cold, not yet.'
But there was no possibility of that. Just at that very moment, Naomi walked in. In one hand was a magazine, while balanced on the other was a plate. And on this plate was a head. Her head. Jodie looked at it and sighed.
'Oh dear,' she said. 'Did it fall off again?'
'Not at all,' said Naomi.
'Thed why is your head od a plate?' said Kate, puzzled.
'Haven't you heard? It's the new fashion.'
'The new fashion,' Jodie repeated slowly.
'Absolutely. I found it in my new magazine.'
'Your dew bagazeed,' Kate repeated just as slowly.
'Absolutely. Isn't it wonderful? Now I can enter the fashion contest with Alchemy Academy knowing I'm bound to win because I'm keeping up with the absolute latest in fashion.'
There was a silence for a moment while her friends digested this little piece of news.
'You mean?' Jodie said eventually, '?we went through all that?for nothing? The planning, the stealing-?'
'Dearly bissing ludch,' Kate added.
'-and it was all for nothing?'
'Come on, people, lighten up,' said Naomi. 'Wearing your head on your shoulders is so last year and it means I don't have to worry about mine falling off any more because I can just perch it on this plate and it's just so now and so comfortable and?and?Er, Jodie?What are you doing with that cauldron, Jodie??Jodie??JODI-E-EE!?'
~oOo~
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