by Lavinia Kent
Turning back, he tried to hold her gaze, tried to keep her eyes on his face.
It was too late.
Her face changed and she began to laugh, that same laugh she’d had the first time he’d met her. Although laughter was not exactly what a man wanted in these circumstances.
“I’m sorry,” she said, almost spitting as she laughed harder.
“What?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound too harsh.
“You have an erection.” She bent over with the force of her laughter.
“And that’s funny?” If someone described this situation to him, he would have sworn it would be the least arousing thing possible, but his dick was letting him know exactly how happy it was.
She stopped, trying to suck in deep breaths. “Mostly it’s a nervous reaction. But you had an erection the first time I saw you.”
And why was that funny? Also—fuck, he’d spent all these years thinking she hadn’t noticed. “You were wearing a white bikini and coming out of what must have been a very cold pool. And you were laughing then, too. I don’t know why but there’s something about your laughter that does me in every time and it’s not only that your tits shake.”
She bent over again, this time it was more giggle than true laughter, but just as strong. “I can’t believe that you said that to me.”
“I can’t believe we’re talking about a hard-on I had when I was seventeen.”
“Seventeen.” She stopped laughing, grew sober.
Shit. He certainly hadn’t meant to have that effect on her. “I meant that it was a long time ago.”
“I keep trying to forget how young you were. You are.”
Fuck. This was not heading the way he wished. “I’m not young now,” he said more loudly than was necessary.
“You were seventeen and I was noticing your penis. And all these years, I thought you were looking at Amelia, not me.” She turned away from him.
Perhaps it was best that this had come up. If they never dealt with it they could never put it behind them. “Jordan, I’m guessing it was hard to miss. What’s important is that you didn’t do anything to embarrass me or show any sort of reaction at all. And things were never like that between Amelia and me. You should understand that now.”
She still didn’t look at him. “I think I should go. Can I have my coat back? This was a mistake.”
“Jordan,” he said her name firmly. “I don’t know why you’re here, so it’s hard for me to say it’s not a mistake, but talking about our past is definitely not.”
Now she did turn. “How can you say that? You were seventeen. It makes this feel wrong and I don’t want it to feel wrong.”
“But I’m not seventeen now. So what if you noticed my penis. You weren’t lusting after it.”
“No, that I wasn’t.” She did not sound reassured. “I was more worried about Amelia than anything.”
He gestured into the living room. “Come. Sit. Let’s get this out of the way.”
She seemed reluctant, but then her shoulders went back and she marched ahead, sitting in a lone chair that set her away from him.
He said nothing and sat in the middle of the couch. “Do you want me to start?”
A pause, then, “No, I’ll begin. I came here because I wanted to see you again. Because I wanted to have sex with you again. I want to be a woman who can visit a man she likes, simply because she’s hoping to have a good time, but then something reminds me of the past and I can’t quite get over the feeling that it isn’t right. You dated Amelia. Who dates their daughter’s boyfriend?”
“There are several things wrong with that statement. First, Amelia is not actually your daughter. No, don’t give me that look. I know that you have a special relationship, but I also know that she never really thought of you as her mother—you were more of a very special older sister. And if she had been your daughter, you would have been eleven years old when she was born. That does matter.”
“Still, you broke her heart. Even if I were a big sister, it still wouldn’t do for me to date you.”
He gave her a crooked smile. “I didn’t know that we were dating? But seriously. I doubt I broke her heart. I don’t think even then she thought I was the love of her life. Though I admit I may have hurt her feelings.”
“You know what I mean. And you’re avoiding the most important part.”
“I think the most important thing is that you need to realize that I’m not a teenager now, and when I was you never did anything at all that was inappropriate. I can’t say that I know what you were thinking, but it certainly seemed like you were in love with your husband and only saw me as an annoying kid.”
She paused, then said reluctantly, “You were never annoying. At least not that I remember.” She lowered her head and rubbed her temple. “I didn’t really remember you until…I didn’t actually recognize you until…well, until it was too late. And even then I mostly remembered your breakup with Amelia and how I got to clean up the pieces.” Now her face came up and she stared right at him.
“I tried to avoid thinking about that when you said something about it at the museum. It does crush my ego. No one wants to be that forgettable.”
Her eyes dropped from his and she stared down at the light pink polish on her nails. “You know that’s not what I meant, and you never said anything.”
“I know, but how could I have? Even then I knew the difference between fantasy and reality. You were married and in love with your husband and I knew you didn’t see me as a man. I did, however, dream.”
“I’m sorry—or, well, I’m not actually. I’m probably glad I never noticed. I don’t know what I would have done if I had. And it wasn’t that much later that Mark had his first heart attack and then that was really all I was focused on. I know I was happy that Amelia had good friends and even a boyfriend, that she had support, but then you broke up with her.”
“It was so much more complicated than that. Things were never quite right between us—which makes so much sense now. I mean, she can’t really have been attracted to me and I think maybe she knew how I felt about you—or at least how I thought I felt. I have to admit that everything was blurred with lust, even my best intentions. I broke up with her because I felt guilty every time I was with her and I think she felt the same, if for different reasons. I couldn’t keep dating her and dreaming about you. It felt wrong.” He looked back at Jordan, but she did not look up. “Ever since that night in the hotel I can’t stop thinking about you, about us, about the things we did…and the things I want to do.”
That brought her head up. Her eyes met his. “That’s why I came. But somehow it all got sidetracked.”
“I don’t consider it sidetracked,” he said. “I want things clear between us. I don’t want us stuck in the past. I don’t want you to think this is about how I felt at seventeen. Believe me, it’s the now I’m concerned with.”
Her lower lip trembled. “But how can we not be caught by the past?” She started to stand.
He stood, too, partially blocking her exit. She could get around him, but it would require some maneuvering. “Don’t go. You still haven’t told me why you came. Unless it was just for sex, but I don’t believe that. Just as I don’t think it’s been a mistake—not any of it.”
She stood still, a few feet away from him, and did not attempt to pass. “If only I could go back and never get on that elevator.”
“And then what? Do you really think it would be any different if we’d met later? We were bound to meet again, Jordan, and I think the result would have been the same. No matter how corny it sounds, there is something about you that draws me like no other woman.”
* * *
—
If only she believed that. Damn, what was she thinking? That was the last thing she needed to believe. Her feelings were scattered. There was nothing special betwe
en them. There couldn’t be. They didn’t know each other well enough for there to be. And if there was, it was only sex. She’d been prepared to admit that when she came. Hell, it was why she had come. Having decided that she needed something more in her life, she’d figured that an affair with Clay would not be a bad place to start. Yes, her emotions were complex, but he certainly left her feeling alive, left her wanting more—and she’d intended to use that to motivate herself.
She stared at him, at his firm jaw and those wide shoulders. Her belly clenched and she could almost feel her teeth scraping over the stubble of his beard growth, feel the smooth fabric of his shirt as she undid his buttons. She closed her eyes, tried to find equilibrium. “I’m no different from any other woman—and if you truly think I am, it is only because I was some type of unattainable goal when you were a boy. Maybe you’ve never moved beyond that.”
His face was very still. He spoke slowly. “I’m not sure what you want me to say to that. I’ve already told you the truth. It is impossible to deny that I found you more than attractive in the past—hell, I just admitted it—and maybe those feelings do influence me. However, I think you shortchange me if you don’t think I’m capable of seeing past them. I can assure you that I would find you hot if I was meeting you for the first time, that I would be just as drawn to you. You are an exceptionally beautiful woman, Jordan.”
She wished he would stop saying her name. Every time he did, it caused a little tremor to run through her. “But would the elevator have happened? How will I ever know?”
He ran a hand through his hair, pushing it into unruly waves. “How can anybody know? I’ve never had anything like that happen before, I’ve been on an elevator, met a woman’s eyes, felt the world fall away, felt that I would die if I didn’t touch her, kiss her, fuck her.”
She could feel the deliberation in those last words, knew he was trying to shock her, but instead she felt his intensity, his high emotions—just as she had in the elevator. “So you’re claiming you’ve never done anything like that before, never made out in an elevator.”
A curt laugh. “I didn’t say that. I’ve never before taken a woman to bed for the first time with almost no conversation. I’ve never been one for one-nighters. I like the sex that comes from knowing someone.”
“Maybe this is all about my insecurities. Suddenly, I can’t get past thinking I’m some schoolboy fantasy. That it’s all about conquest. That you wanted me because you’d never had me.”
His lips drew tight. “I don’t know where you get these ideas. I do like a good conquest, but a good conquest takes more than one night.”
“So now I’m not even good.” God, she sounded like a child. She was simply looking for any excuse to run away, but even knowing that, she couldn’t help herself. It was one thing to want to start living, but another to take each step. It would be far easier to run back to her icy tower.
“Fuck, Jordan.” He ran his hands through his hair again, clearly without thought. “You are determined to take everything wrong.”
That was probably true. “Let me go, Clay. This is pointless. I should never have come.”
“Why did you? You still haven’t told me.”
This time it was her mind screaming fuck. “It doesn’t matter now.” She took a step forward, hoping he’d move to the side.
He did not. He clearly had no intention of making this easy for her. “Why did you come, Jordan?”
Again that small tremor at the sound of her name on his lips. She squeezed her eyes shut, opened them. Sought her inner calm. “I was honest before. It was mostly about sex. I came to ask you to have an affair with me. A secret affair. I’m tired of thinking about it, of thinking about you. I want to start living and this seemed a good place to start.”
Chapter 12
He blinked. He had not seen that coming. She wanted to laugh—or perhaps cry. Her emotions seemed to climb and fall every minute. She did neither, keeping her features calm. “Nothing to say, Clay? I thought you always had something to say.”
He took a half step forward, not quite drawing close, but making it clear that she would have to work if she wanted to go past him. Then he stopped and just laughed, a deep, hard chuckle. “Do you know how carefully I’ve planned how I was going to seduce you the next time, how I was going to get to know you, how I was going to work to persuade you to give me a chance? I even bought you a puppy. Can you imagine that, me buying a woman a puppy? I assure you, all my friends would say it was out of character. I was going to truly romance you.”
Had her mouth dropped open? “You were planning all that?”
He smiled ruefully. “Oh definitely, although now I’m mostly just thinking about you naked.”
Her mind boggled—and then grabbed on to the safest and strangest part. The one that did not sound like it was solely about sex. “You bought me a puppy?”
He didn’t even blink. “You said you were thinking about getting a dog.”
Her mind was spinning so fast it was hard to focus. A dog. They’d had a discussion at the museum. “I don’t think you buy someone a dog without asking. At least, not unless they’re your child. Should I be expecting some huge mastiff puppy that already weighs more than I do? Something to protect my delicate self?”
He blushed. Was it possible for a man like him to blush? “Actually, she’s a Cavalier spaniel. I’m not sure she’ll protect you from anything except an empty lap. I do know it’s presumptuous to get someone a puppy, but from the moment you mentioned it, the idea wouldn’t let go. I have a friend whose dog had unexpected puppies and…I realize now it was a horrible idea. I’m sure it’s a lot of work and I don’t even know if you truly wanted a dog. Unfortunately, I acted a little impulsively. I was trying to think of something you wanted that wasn’t just chocolates and flowers. I probably should have thought about it more.”
“You got me a dog.” She was stuck on repeat. “Is a Cavalier like a regular King Charles—small with long ears and fur?” Her mind still wasn’t quite comprehending, although it was focusing on this rather than the real core of their conversation. A dog was easier to think about.
“Yes. Are you upset?”
“I haven’t decided yet.”
“I could always bring her to the pound.”
She started to snap at him, but knew he didn’t really mean it. “Somehow I don’t think so. Were you prepared to keep it?”
Her gaze shot about the condo. The rugs were white and while the space was not overly crowded there were plenty of things that puppy teeth would find desirable.
“I have a niece who might be more than delighted to have a cute little dog. I’ve actually talked to my sister-in-law about getting one, although we were talking about a year from now. Still, I’ve seen pictures and I can’t imagine you not wanting her if you’re even vaguely interested in a dog. She’s as sweet as can be and once you’ve seen that face, I have confidence that—”
“I’ve never doubted your confidence, Clay.” It was all starting to sink in. “What I do wonder about is your sanity. A puppy? Really? You hardly know me and you got me a dog.”
“I know how big that house is and it just seemed to me that you might want some company. I always had dogs as a boy. They’re great for keeping you from getting lonely.”
That big house? Didn’t he know that she had moved? “What makes you think I’m lonely? And I don’t live in Mark’s house anymore. I gave it to Amelia, although she rents it out. I was never comfortable in that much space.”
He looked surprised. “I thought you loved that house. I’d never cared for flowers and such, but the house always seemed so warm and happy. You made it that way.”
She stepped back and sank into her chair again. “Did I? It was more likely the staff. I never felt like I was doing anything. It was the strangest feeling after being so busy working for so long before I married Mark.”
“So long? You can’t have been that old when you moved in.”
“I felt old.” She gave a rueful laugh. “I never did understand being called a child bride. I felt so much more mature than so many of the women making the comments.” And it was true. She’d been the adult in her home her entire life. She didn’t know if it was because of her father leaving, but her mother had never been the responsible one, barely being sure there was food and that the house was occasionally cleaned.
“Can I pour you some wine? I’m starting to feel like we might need it.” He stepped back, freeing her if she was to stand again and make a run for it.
Was she going to leave? She should. Hell, she should never have come. “Yes. And you’ve avoided answering why you think I’m lonely.”
He turned and walked to a small wine refrigerator. “It was mostly just a random comment, thinking of you alone in that large house. It seemed a lonely thing. You are right, of course, I have no idea how you live now. I just remembered how much you seemed to like being around people.”
Had she? She’d never thought of herself that way.
He looked up from the cooler. “I’ve got some cava, if that’s what you’d like.”
Her mind filled with the taste, with the memory of that hotel room. The smallest shake of her head. “Will you have some, too?”
“I’m happy to drink whatever you’d like.”
“I’ll take a glass of red, then, if you have it.”
He walked to a cabinet at the side of the room and opened it, pulling out a bottle and two glasses. She watched him remove the cork and fill each glass.
She stood suddenly, walking to the window and staring out at the city, trying to escape the sudden tension that filled the room.
He came to stand behind her. She knew he was waiting for her to turn around and take the wine, but she kept staring across at the sea of lit buildings.
“It’s only a glass of wine. You’re not agreeing to anything more than a drink.”